Newbie!

dlemon · August 2010

Hi everyone! I'm a newbie when it comes to boards and blogs lol I'm getting married on June 4, 2011 at the MOT Senior Center in Middletown. I have a photographer but that is about it. I would really appreciate any advise or reviews. I'm just starting all the planning and its a lot more stressful that I thought it would be.

jennlp1026 · August 2010

Welcome to the board! I was new just a couple of months ago and the board has been great! Planning is overwhelming but the girls on here offer so much help whether it's support, ideas, reviews or just a place to vent.

As far as planning goes you got of the 2 major (most headache/stress- causing...) checks out of the way already which is awesome. What are you moving on to next or did you need a suggestion? Just post your question and we're here to help!

Good luck )

dlemon · August 2010

Thanks for the warm welcome! Right now I am working on the guest list but my momzilla and fmil aren't working together very well to help my fh and I shorten the list. Did you start out with a lot more people than you thought you would?? We want about 150-175 guest but our list as of right now is around 225. Bringing that number down and still have myself, my fh, my mom (who swears its her wedding), and my fmil all agree is the biggest headache ever!

Ms.BriarRose · August 2010

Welcome and congrats! Glad to see you on the board!

First off, take a deep breath. You have a ton of time- your wedding isn't a month away. Remember, and remind yourself constantly, this is YOUR WEDDING. Not your moms, not your fmils, etc. Yours! I understand they may be paying for stuff- thank them for their generousity, but gently remind them that at the end of the day, this is your and FI's day, and you will make the decisions that work best for you two. If they can't cope with that, offer them back their donation- you would be surprised how many sit down and shush up, and quickly.
Now, in terms of your family, I am not saying throw a temper tantrum and don't allow them to have any say. Just let them know they can make suggestions, but the final decisions are yours and FIs. And don't make a mountain out of a mole hill, either. My dad, who graciously offered to pay for our reception, was told a number based on the amount of people we accounted for. When he added 24 (yes, 24) people to the guest list, we reminded him that this would up the amount he had agreed to pay (he had originally told us 6, and we had calculated them into the tally, not 24!). When he said fine, he would still pay bc he wanted those people there (many of them I have never met, they are good friends of his), I said I wasn't going to fight him on it 8 weeks out from the wedding. I did, however, tell my mom to add the few people (like really 6 people!) to the guest list *winkwink*. I also told myself that these people would be giving a gift (hopefully), and that is a bonus.

In terms of your guest list, yes, I know exactly how you felt. We had planned on 125 guests- and because I have a huge family (my dad is one of 5 and my mom is one of 7 cousins raised as siblings), we knew we wouldn't be able to invite everyone (of course with the 24 ppl my dad added, that number is now at 155!!!). You will have to sit down with that list and FI (and JUST FI!!), and start being hard on yourselves. Do you want to have everyone there, including FI's frat brothers and your bffs from HS? absolutely. But you have to make priorities.
One of The best thing to help you with this is to set rules. We decided that the only kids who could come would be those in the bridal party/siblings of the bridal party. That narrowed our kid list down to 7. Are there others that have kids? Absolutely! And many of them we are close with. But we can't invite everyone, and we know that.
The other thing we did was put a rule on Significant Others/Dates. Unless they are in the BP (if the BP wants a date, we are allowing one), married, engaged, or living together, you don't get a plus one. And we have had to fight our families on this, trust me- to the point of storming out of fights. My cousin (mother's brother's son, 22 yo) has been in a relationship with a girl who is good friends with my sister, and who my aunt (who loves a party, if you know what I mean) adores. Both my sister and aunt want K there. I have met this girl twice, FI once. She has never taken the time to introduce herself, to get to know us, or anything like that. They dated the past two years while in college, have never lived together ,and don't knwo what their relationship future holds. But because she is a party buddy of my aunt and sister, and dating my cousin, they want her there- and have let us know it, most of the time very vocally and not very nicely. But we held our ground- we have too many people who are dating who we would have to answer to. Even my mom tried to get in on it, saying to just give in with one. And lets be honest- if we let her, we have to let everyone, and there are people we love who are dating people we can't stand. This has really taught us to make decisons that are appropriate for us, and stand against everyone even if they don't agree.
If you do those two rules, you will find your guest list cut, I promise. Add in the hard line in the sand (ie, do you really need that person at the wedding?), and you will find it reduced. Also, remember people will RSVP no, so account for that (the average is 10% when you send out STDs, and 20% when you don't send out STDs- one of the reason we chose not to send them out). Go through your guest list and mark off who you need to invite but you know will not be able to make it (like my cousin in CA- she's getting an invite, but isn't going to come and we know that). That will help you get a decent approximation.

I know that was long. Sorry! Remember, you can get through this. Millions of other women have fought the good wedding fight. Just remember to breath, delegate, and focus on what really matters (your marriage which lasts for years, not the wedding which only lasts a few hours). And this board is always here to listen, give advice, and lend a vitual shoulder to cry on!

JennLongino · August 2010

Welcome!! So adding to the guest list conversation... I am going through the same thing on a smaller scale. I wanted 80 but to appease the in laws who are paying for most of everything, I have to cut my list short so they can invite people I don't even know. My FI is on his family's side since they are helping us out and my family is not. So it's a little stressful. But I am lucky enough to have a venue that won't accomodate that many people comfortably. So my desired 80 cannot be more than 100.

Sooo... how many guests can your venue hold? Because that is always a good cop-out. "Oh my venue can't hold that many people. I'm so sorry". ??? lol.

jennlp1026 · August 2010

I thought my guest list was finalized over a month ago, so I ordered the STDs (a whole process in and of itself mind you). Last week I worked on getting them put together, addressed, and stamped. The night before I was going to mail them out I had a conversation with my mom who had just met with her finance guy. She wanted to check over the guest list. Huh? Seriously? Now? Two heated conversations with mom, some tears, an arguement with with my FI, and my face breaking out later, I finally sent out my STDs two days later than I had planned. I had to pull a couple of them and change the address on others. Why did she wait until now...after I spent the money on the extra STDs, the postage, and spent time putting it all together? We took out about 15 people and we eventually reached a compromise on who those 15 were. I had to fight for my work friends, you know, those people I see EVERY DAY and are going through the planning process with me. She kept reminding me that she was paying for the reception. I kept reminding her she OFFERED. I told her that my FI and I would make up the difference if necessary, but it's my wedding and I want my friends there to celebrate with me, and the random cousin I haven't seen in 10 years probably wouldn't know the difference anyway. (sorry for the vent...lol).

Bottom line is that, and I totally agree with MBR, it's your wedding and you have the final say on the guest list. Deciding on and sticking to rules about "and guests" and "kids" definitely helps. It can be difficult to balance between your parents and your FI's family, so you have to be willing to compromise on some things, but if you feel strongly about something make it known and keep your foot down.

Santorini2011 · August 2010

MBR took most of the words out of my mouth LOL. Through the whole thing just remember...IT IS YOUR WEDDING. It's hard but stand strong (and polite) to make sure you will have it the way you want it.

Personally, I removed all kids. Talking to other married people, most agree that the children were not their favorite part.

Mrs.LuraT · August 2010

My venue only allowed a max of 125, but I didn't want my guests to feel cramped so I told my mom I couldn't have more than 100. I didn't allow kids, unless they were coming from OOT, and didn't have sitter options (total 4 kids). In the end, I had 101 guests, one cousin didn't show (coming from FL) and another cousin who rsvp'd no, showed up, so in all I had 101 people (including DH and I). Oh, and I invited all my co-workers and their spouses (but I only work directly with 6 people). I also invited 6 knotties (and their spouse's/ so)...wish I could have invited more.

dlemon · August 2010

Thanks everyone! I think I got my list down to right about where I want it (give or take one or two). I know that a couple of people we invite won't be able to make it because they will be on their honeymoon so that helped me out. I have most of the STD's addressed, stamped, and ready to be mailed but there are still a couple addresses that I need from my FI's side. His mother is so hard to talk to about wedding stuff and getting addresses from her is like pulling teeth out! I don't think she is very interested in our wedding... she's just worried that I am taking her baby boy away! ugh. anyway, hopefully I can get these STD's mailed out tomorrow and worry about the other addresses later. Maybe they just won't get save the dates or invites at all if she doesn't give them to me! Thanks for your advise ladies it was a great help!

Ms.BriarRose · August 2010

If you have issues getting addresses, try getting them yourself on a site like 411.com. I found the same thing- getting addresses from his parents was difficult, not because they didn't want to but because they would forget- so I went on there and started searching. Then, when they did get the addresses to me, I just double checked them over.

You have plenty of time- trust me. Even if she takes another 2-3 months, you will be okay. I know it is stressful, but try and move with the flow of things. Also, give that job to FI. Tell him what you need, and by what date you need it (I make sure he sets a reminder in his phone calendar to help with that). Suggest that he check with other relatives if she is being too dificult. An aunt, a grandmother, etc, may be helpful too.

And often, I have found that when you circumvent that problem person (in this case, his mother), she starts to realize that with or without her help you are going ahead with the wedding. It starts to sink in at that point that she should probably join in, since this is her child's wedding, and usually that circumventing ends up being the kick in the butt they need.

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