Newborns at a wedding?

LL921 · July 2012

My Fiancee's first cousin will have a 3 week old by the time our wedding rolls around.
She asked if she could bring the baby, otherwise she "can't" attend the wedding.
Though if you ask me, there are ways she would be able to at least come by for the ceremony.
Children are not invited to the wedding. The only child that will be there will be his daughter, our flower girl.
I felt really bad saying no, and my fiances doesn't understand why its not ok for her to bring the baby.
I also have a cousin flying in from Florida to New Hampshire that will have just had a baby one month before our wedding. Also, a good freind with a 2 week old. How can I let one person do it, and not any others. I have to draw the line somewhere, right?
Another freind with a 6 month old cant find a sitter, but has never asked to bring the baby...she just realizes she can't attend the wedding, and I am ok with that. I understand. There are alot of parents with kids/babies and I can't accomadate everyone elses needs.
I just feel bad and need reassurance I am doing th right thing??

dumdumfroggie · July 2012

You don't have to have kids if you don't want. Just be clear about it.

LDubHawksFan · July 2012

My BM is attending with her 3 wk old and I'm fine with it. I realize that her hubby will have the baby at the ceremony and will probably sit in the back in case the baby wakes up. At the reception, I fully expect them to probably take off for the hotel early. From what I've heard, babies that age are actually easy because they just eat and sleep, so there is a good chance the baby won't even stir. Now since you have several guests with babies that age, it would be hard to make a cut off, but I would say probably family?? Or just stick to your guns and say no babies at all, and be aware that those parents won't be able to attend. It sounds like you are already aware of that for your friend with the 6 mo old.

achiduck · July 2012

It's considered good form to allow young babies at the reception. Would you leave your two week old to go to a wedding? I wouldn't. Also, if the new mom is breastfeeding it could be very difficult (and potentially painful) to leave the infant at home.

jemmini6 · July 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_newborns-at-a-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:5692c396-dbb3-4a93-b0c4-7cd022cc1e35Post:8ad7a3e2-f02d-4def-8a9c-15882fc70cfe">Newborns at a wedding?</a>:
[QUOTE]My Fiancee's first cousin will have a 3 week old by the time our wedding rolls around. She asked if she could bring the baby, <strong>otherwise she "can't" attend the wedding.</strong> <strong>Though if you ask me, there are ways she would be able to at least come by for the ceremony.</strong> Children are not invited to the wedding. The only child that will be there will be his daughter, our flower girl. I felt really bad saying no, and my fiances doesn't understand why its not ok for her to bring the baby. I also have a cousin flying in from Florida to New Hampshire that will have just had a baby one month before our wedding. Also, a good freind with a 2 week old. How can I let one person do it, and not any others. I have to draw the line somewhere, right? Another freind with a 6 month old cant find a sitter, but has never asked to bring the baby...she just realizes she can't attend the wedding, and I am ok with that. I understand. There are alot of parents with kids/babies and I can't accomadate everyone elses needs. I just feel bad and need reassurance I am doing th right thing??
Posted by LL921[/QUOTE]

The baby will be 3 WEEKS OLD, it's not that easy for new moms to leave their babies at home that soon, especially if they are breastfeeding.

Which is why, generally, infants are the exception to the 'no kids' rule. You don't have to allow the infants to come, but don't you dare judge them for deciding to stay home with them if that's the case. You can't have it both ways on this.

ArynBaker · July 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_newborns-at-a-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:5692c396-dbb3-4a93-b0c4-7cd022cc1e35Post:c64dcbc4-dd9e-4fa2-ac47-f69e7515bab4">Re: Newborns at a wedding?</a>:
[QUOTE]It's considered good form to allow young babies at the reception. Would you leave your two week old to go to a wedding? I wouldn't. Also, if the new mom is breastfeeding it could be very difficult (and potentially painful) to leave the infant at home.
Posted by achiduck[/QUOTE]

<div>Thank you for wording this so well. I was trying to figure out how to say this but my response would have been a lot...less polite. </div>

achiduck · July 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_newborns-at-a-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:5692c396-dbb3-4a93-b0c4-7cd022cc1e35Post:43af0583-496c-4e02-b434-043cfbe89550">Re: Newborns at a wedding?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Newborns at a wedding? : Thank you for wording this so well. I was trying to figure out how to say this but my response would have been a lot...less polite.
Posted by ArynBaker[/QUOTE]

Well the first thing I typed (and subsequently reworded) was much less polite if it makes you feel any better.

Megbo2012 · July 2012

We invited my cousin's under one year old to attend the wedding. She had recently got a new job, so the family declined, but I know for certain they would have declined if he had not been invited, as her family was all invited. I valued her and her H being there more than "oh the baby might cry." My friend who lived in town left her new baby with her mother (down the street) for the wedding. I think it really depends on where the family is located, and the situation.

celticmyss · July 2012

We feel very strongly about not having kids at the wedding and we're still making an exception for FB/SIL's baby who should also be 3 weeks at the time of our wedding. There is no way I'd expect them to leave a baby that young for 5-6 hours even if she doesn't bf.

I can't guarantee that I'd be as quick to accommodate a cousin but I am pretty sure I would.

lyndausvi · July 2012

Well this 3 week old might only be 1 week old or 4 weeks old? Heck the new mom might not even want to bring the baby. I think most doctors do not want babies that young to be exposed to the 'public' quite yet, anyway.

Anyway, I didn't allow infants at my wedding. One person had a 10 day old, another had a 4 month old. The 10 day old first-time mom didn't want to come anyway (who can blame her?) The 3rd time-mom of the 4 month old left her kid at home and came.

Lizzieyounce · July 2012

I had my youngest a couple of months before my sister's wedding. No way I would have left her with a sitter...if my sister hadn't been so accomodating, I'd have skipped my own sisters wedding.

As it was, I wasn't the only mother there with an infant. See if the reception venue can set aside a small parlor or similar for breast feeding or quiet space. That's what my sister did and it worked out fine. Also, mother's and father's generally know that if baby cries, they leave to calm the baby down...they won't just sit there and let the baby shriek.

JessAndTrav · July 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_newborns-at-a-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:5692c396-dbb3-4a93-b0c4-7cd022cc1e35Post:c64dcbc4-dd9e-4fa2-ac47-f69e7515bab4">Re: Newborns at a wedding?</a>:
[QUOTE]It's considered good form to allow young babies at the reception. Would you leave your two week old to go to a wedding? I wouldn't. Also, if the new mom is breastfeeding it could be very difficult (and potentially painful) to leave the infant at home.
Posted by achiduck[/QUOTE]

All of this.

There's a difference between a 3-week old baby and a 6 month old baby.

The newborn will likely sleep most of the time if you do allow her to go. I wouldn't blame the mother for not going either, because I wouldn't attend in that situation either.

aragx6 · July 2012

I feel as though your bigger problem here is not including FI in the decision-making process.

mcskatcat · July 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_newborns-at-a-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:5692c396-dbb3-4a93-b0c4-7cd022cc1e35Post:4ff594bd-ec37-49ee-b8ce-663f75965ef1">Re: Newborns at a wedding?</a>:
[QUOTE]I feel as though your bigger problem here is not including FI in the decision-making process.
Posted by aragx6[/QUOTE]

<div>This is precisely what I was wondering. OP, you and your FI should really be in agreement on this issue. It was kind of crappy to just say no without asking his opinion first. It is especially crappy if he would have said it's okay.</div><div>
</div><div>
</div>

mcda04 · July 2012

I have two kids and I respect the couple’s decision to not allow children. if your cousin really wants to attend she can find a babysitter. I think she’s just victimizing herself so you give in and allow her to bring her newborn but this would be very unfair to the other couples with babies.

SO and I have been to several adult only receptions and there’s ALWAYS someone who brings the kids anyway (which I find completely rude and unacceptable). Those poor children are bored out of their minds. I’m open to kid’s reception but most of our family has common sense and will leave them with a sitter.

divinemsbee · July 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_newborns-at-a-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:5692c396-dbb3-4a93-b0c4-7cd022cc1e35Post:b32e9b2d-2525-4ef2-bae7-b82290e0d0a0">Re: Newborns at a wedding?</a>:
[QUOTE]My BM had her baby 3 weeks before our wedding. Kids were not invited to our wedding. She came to get ready a little later than the rest of the girls, pumped when necessary and she and her H arranged for her parents to watch the new baby (and their 4 year old) at the hotel. They stayed until the end of the reception and she was breastfeeding at the time. <strong>You guys don't have to invite the babies if you don't want to. Some people will decline to come and some will make it work/arrange child care. Some may go against your wishes and bring them anyway.</strong>
Posted by ILoveMilkDuds[/QUOTE]

<div>Those are my feelings on it. Talk to your FI, you guys make whatever your policy is going to be about babies at the wedding together, and then stick to it. I'll also agree with the PP who said that you make your decision, and your guests will make theirs, but you can't get too pissy if they don't come and don't judge them for it. Some people have family or babysitters that they are fine leaving infants/newborns with (my mom was back at work about 4 weeks after I was born, I stayed with my grandmother, mom still pumped and breastfed), some people don't. </div><div>
</div><div>For everyone making the assumption that most newborns are quiet, that's kind of a crapshoot. My MOH's daughter. who is almost one, is and was a dream baby. Slept a lot, woke up to eat, and didn't cry, would have been totally quiet at a whole night of wedding festivities. Her son, who is almost 4 now, was an absolute hellion child. She's said so herself. He didn't shut up and barely slept for almost 3 months. She wouldn't take him anywhere that wasn't family or the doctor. He's adorable now. It's also a crapshoot that parents will take loud children out, judging by the level of noise in certain Masses I attend. </div>

sparkles776 · July 2012

I think you need to go all or nothing. You either invite all the babies or none of them and stick to it.

LDubHawksFan · July 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_newborns-at-a-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:5692c396-dbb3-4a93-b0c4-7cd022cc1e35Post:77ce043b-9b13-44f4-b646-fcdefd252aec">Re: Newborns at a wedding?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Newborns at a wedding? : Those are my feelings on it. Talk to your FI, you guys make whatever your policy is going to be about babies at the wedding together, and then stick to it. I'll also agree with the PP who said that you make your decision, and your guests will make theirs, but you can't get too pissy if they don't come and don't judge them for it. Some people have family or babysitters that they are fine leaving infants/newborns with (my mom was back at work about 4 weeks after I was born, I stayed with my grandmother, mom still pumped and breastfed), some people don't. For everyone making the assumption that most newborns are quiet, that's kind of a crapshoot. My MOH's daughter. who is almost one, is and was a dream baby. Slept a lot, woke up to eat, and didn't cry, would have been totally quiet at a whole night of wedding festivities. Her son, who is almost 4 now, was an absolute hellion child. She's said so herself. He didn't shut up and barely slept for almost 3 months. She wouldn't take him anywhere that wasn't family or the doctor. He's adorable now. It's also a crapshoot that parents will take loud children out, judging by the level of noise in certain Masses I attend.
Posted by divinemsbee[/QUOTE]

Sure, I agree that not all newborns will be angels and sleep the whole time, but I've heard a lot do. ha, I was colicky for the first few months so I'm sure my Mom would not have been able to go anywhere, let alone a wedding with me.

banana468 · July 2012

It's certainly nice to allow infants but if you don't want them to be there you don't have to.

That said, I can't imagine bringing a 3 wk old to a wedding unless the event was very casual.

TurtlesAllTheWayDown · July 2012

My boss has a 2 month old and she can't even leave the baby home. She's still on leave, but she's had to come into the office a few times, and he's come with her.

So no, when she says she can't, she can't. It's her baby, her family, not your decision, nor your business.

Therefore, if you say no, she can't come. You and your FI need to decide which is more important to you.

Laurmi · July 2012

We prefer to not have children at our wedding also, however.....we have a few relatives that have had babies recently and I believe it's fine to have babies. They can't really do much except cry. They don't cost anything, they won't be plowing into the cake, and I understand a mother not wanting to be separated from their newborn baby in the first few weeks.

You basically have to be 100% ok with them NOT being able to attend if you say they can't bring babies. You saying that you think she COULD find a way to attend without the baby isn't really fair. Either you say no babies and really mean it and don't get upset that they cannot attend, or you say that babies can attend. 3 weeks is very young, IMHO.

Laura

kaos16 · July 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_newborns-at-a-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:5692c396-dbb3-4a93-b0c4-7cd022cc1e35Post:04c0f89d-72b7-4db9-8b52-18f93c1dcfe3">Re: Newborns at a wedding?</a>:
[QUOTE]I have two kids and I respect the couple’s decision to not allow children. if your cousin really wants to attend she can find a babysitter. I think she’s just victimizing herself so you give in and allow her to bring her newborn but this would be very unfair to the other couples with babies. <strong>SO and I have been to several adult only receptions and there’s ALWAYS someone who brings the kids anyway (which I find completely rude and unacceptable).</strong> Those poor children are bored out of their minds. I’m open to kid’s reception but most of our family has common sense and will leave them with a sitter.
Posted by mcda04[/QUOTE]

People really do this? I'm a little nervous now, because we also are doing adults only, and I fear that my fiance will be very unhappy if someone brings their child. . . . I can picture exactly who might too, even though we have expressed our wishes to her. I have a feeling she may decline the invitation, since her husband already dropped out of the bridal party with a B.S. excuse. . . . . . this is the same mother that tried to tell us her 18 month would be an angel the whole day, probably just sleeping, not making a peep. I've spent some time with the child. . . . . that is definetly not that case!

mcda04 · July 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_newborns-at-a-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:5692c396-dbb3-4a93-b0c4-7cd022cc1e35Post:2cf3e583-6179-4a0a-830d-cc959bc9dc2b">Re: Newborns at a wedding?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Newborns at a wedding? : People really do this? I'm a little nervous now, because we also are doing adults only, and I fear that my fiance will be very unhappy if someone brings their child. . . . I can picture exactly who might too, even though we have expressed our wishes to her. I have a feeling she may decline the invitation, since her husband already dropped out of the bridal party with a B.S. excuse. . . . . . this is the same mother that tried to tell us her 18 month would be an angel the whole day, probably just sleeping, not making a peep. I've spent some time with the child. . . . . that is definetly not that case!
Posted by kaos16[/QUOTE]
It varies in every family. If you've personally told them kids are not allowed maybe they'll respect your decision. You should expect a few no shows though. It all depends on your relationship with the guests on whether or not they'll make special arrangements to attend your wedding.
It seems like the problem is with a drama couple.... you don't need them there anyway. let them use the "no kids" excuse to not show up. :)

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