Let's talk E-rings

CowgirlK39 · June 2012

A friend of mine is desperate to get engaged. Her bf of 8 years is a d-bag, and I believe he doesn't actually want to marry her, but I digress. She has looked at rings over and over again (by herself, never with him) and obsessed over what style she wants. I keep telling her "beggars can't be choosers." She insists that she wants to make sure she knows what style she wants so she can be sure a-hole bf knows, even though he will probably never propose. I asked her what she would do if he finally did propose, but with a weird ring? She said she would be disappointed.

Really? Seriously?

I cannot imagine that anyone would really be more focussed on the ring than the fact that you are being asked to be a man's wife. I did not get the ring I wanted. I wanted one of those 3 stone rings in white gold. I got a huge solitare in yellow gold (I had it switched into white though and he was fine with it). I am in love with my ring now and like it much better than what I thought I liked before. I cannot believe that any girl would throw a ring back and demand the one she wanted instead.

Did you get the ring you wanted? Did you care if you didnt? Was your FI aware of what styles you liked?

BMcLeodTeam · June 2012

FI knew me well and had my ring custom made. I'm not a diamonds and flash girl, so the traditional 'wedding sets' didn't fit my personality. My ering is a black diamond solitaire and the wedding bands are rubies. All set in white gold. I LOVE it! I wouldn't have said/done anything if I had of gotten something else, but if it was WAY off being me then I would have wondered about how well he knew me (like if he got a big flashy diamonds everywhere ring)

jamie5482 · June 2012

I had no idea what I would have wanted and really didn't ever look at e-rings before getting engaged. FI did the smart, sentimental thing and sneakily took the ring my grandmother had given me before she died and had it resized. Luckily, he already knew that I loved it and had no intention to change it into a necklace or anything because it's a gorgeous setting. I don't think FI had a clue what I would have wanted but he has pretty good taste so I don't feel like it was something I thought about or was worried over.

When FI proposed I didn't even realize it was my grandmother's ring at first because I was so excited to hug him.

smartlypretty · June 2012

FI and I didn't really have the typical proposal. Deciding to get married was sort of a month long process of talking about it with some 'are we ready?' and 'should we do this now?' thrown in ther. We were youngish 24 and 25 and the first out of our group of friends to get engaged, so we honestly weren't sure if we should wait longer or just go for it. We decided to go for it

We went to the jewerly store downtown, he bought the ring, we got it a week or so later, and then officially announced our engagment. (And surprised the bejesus out of everyone).

So to answer the actual question, I picked out my own and wouldn't have wanted it any other way. I just feel like it's such an expensive purchase and something that I will wear for the rest of my life. I just feel like you need to pick out your own.

volleygurl0306 · June 2012

Fi had a good idea of what I wanted. He knew I liked solitaire and princess cut. I'm not overly flashy so something on the plain side was totally fine with me. And, white gold! I now know how it all went down and he had a ring picked out that was perfectly matching the description I gave. Then the sales people got a hold of him and pushed him into looking at separate settings and a loose diamond. He said the first one he had was flashy and he loved it so he knew I wouldn't and put it back (haha he is way more stylish and bold in fashion than I am). The ring he ended up with is gorgeous. Exactly what I wanted but with a unique setting that has some channeled diamonds. He shows me the very first simple ring he picked out that matched what I wanted. It seems so boring from what I have. The only thing I like about it is it would have been paid off by now haha.

As far as your friend goes, I feel like if her bf and her aren't in a place where they can talk about rings, he isn't in a place to ask her. Of all my engaged friends, each of their FI's asked them for pics of rings they liked, figured out their style, and bought them something they love. If they can't talk about it, it isn't happening (at least not willingly).

celticmyss · June 2012

Our engagement was a mutually decided thing so there was no proposal and I picked out my ring. FH knows I am incredibly picky with jewelry so he never would have tried to pick something out.

If he had picked out something and surprised me with a proposal I don't think disappointed would be the first word I thought of. If I hated it though we'd have to talk about it because I'd be the one wearing it forever.

In the specific case of your friend do you think she is just more interested in the whole proposal, engagement, wedding thing then she is in marrying that person? A lot of people fall in love with the idea of a wedding and confuse that believeing they should marry the person they're with.

Smooch711 · June 2012

Originally, I always liked the idea of the guy picking out the ring. However, when FI and I first went to look at rings (a total of 2 times), I didn't even know what I liked/wanted. I knew I didn't want a solitare because it seems like everyone in our circle has that. After leaving the store really frustrated, I somewhat obsessed over what he'd decide on because I wanted to LOVE it, and not be disappointed. In the end, I think FI knew me a little better than I did. He picked out a round stone in white gold with little micro pave diamonds on each side. It was the ring that I had liked (begrudgely), but wasn't sure was THE ONE. But it was! And I do LOVE it.

AriesAngel86 · June 2012

So, funny story, fiance and I were looking at rings online together over ichat (I was visiting family out of state) and I showed him a picture of one and said "I HATE THIS." It was princess cut, with side stones... guess what fiance had already purchased?! LOL So he was having a panic attack asking the store if he could return it. He proposed, and although it wasn't exactly what I wanted (we had ring shopped a year earlier and I liked round or pricess with baguettes, not the stones I have... I think that's were fiance got confused) BUT it really grew on me and now I love it.

cjeverha · June 2012

I had originally told FI that I didn't want to know anything about my ring as it was his gift to me. One day looking at a board at work where people sell things, I came accross a set that I really liked for $900 for a 1 carat TW set. I thought is was beautiful, so I emailed it to him. I then had a guilty mind and told him that I don't think that is really what I wanted because I thought it was too flashy as I too am not a flashy, blingy girl, plus I work downtown and didn't want to have someone hack off my finger for my ring. When I told him about not wanting the ring I told him not to make any faces or indication that he did or did not have it. Well come to find out that was the ring he got. I absolutely love it and it is not too flashy, its just right!

CowgirlK39 · June 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-club-boards_september-2012-weddings_lets-talk-e-rings?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding Club BoardsForum:a464c18c-2e4d-469b-8eae-3865079cb9cfDiscussion:ee02b5c1-eac3-4436-a9bd-7b9e8b41bae5Post:9cf44d01-7890-4a07-833e-6de88b4f55e9">Re: Let's talk E-rings</a>:
[QUOTE]Fi had a good idea of what I wanted. He knew I liked solitaire and princess cut. I'm not overly flashy so something on the plain side was totally fine with me. And, white gold! I now know how it all went down and he had a ring picked out that was perfectly matching the description I gave. Then the sales people got a hold of him and pushed him into looking at separate settings and a loose diamond. He said the first one he had was flashy and he loved it so he knew I wouldn't and put it back (haha he is way more stylish and bold in fashion than I am). The ring he ended up with is gorgeous. Exactly what I wanted but with a unique setting that has some channeled diamonds. He shows me the very first simple ring he picked out that matched what I wanted. It seems so boring from what I have. The only thing I like about it is it would have been paid off by now haha. <strong>As far as your friend goes, I feel like if her bf and her aren't in a place where they can talk about rings, he isn't in a place to ask her. Of all my engaged friends, each of their FI's asked them for pics of rings they liked, figured out their style, and bought them something they love. If they can't talk about it, it isn't happening (at least not willingly).
</strong>Posted by volleygurl0306[/QUOTE]

I tell her this exact same thing everytime we talk about it. If you have to beg, sob and cry about getting engaged after being together 8 years, OBVIOUSLY he's not the one. She has issues though that I personally believe she needs to seek profdessional help for first. But I found it very interesting when she told me she recently had a dream that her bf did propose with an ugly ring, and even in this dream she said they argued about it bc it wasn't what she wanted! I think that gets the "Here's Your Sign" award right there, lol.

I had shown Fi a pic of what ring I wanted and simply said 'Im not asking for anything, I am merely showing you this for future reference." He went out shortly there after and put money down on one that I liked, but ended up getting a better deal on the solitare from elsewhere. I think he could have bought a piece of quarts wrapped with electrical wire and i would have been excited.

kellycatalo · June 2012

FI and i looked at rings online together, under the guise of "we're not getting engaged for a year, so the sooner we look at them, the more time i have to forget about it". to my surprise (not THAT surprised), he picked my number 1 choice and we got engaged like 2 months later

we both agreed on the same one, so i'm not quite sure what he would have picked if we hadn't looked together. mine has 2 side stones and the main center one, and half of the band has pave diamonds inside of it. so total there are 11 diamonds (4 on each side = 8 + 2 side stones + 1 center = 11).

egm900 · June 2012

We looked at rings a year before, I knew I didn't want the typical engagement ring and that scared FI to pick it out on his own. Originally, I wanted a yellow diamond with a diamond trillion on each side, but then yellow diamonds became really popular, so I went with a ruby instead. FI did notice while we were shopping that I liked the rings with the engraving all around the bands and he wanted the setting to be made of palladium, so he had to have it custom made.

As PP said, if they've been together 8 years and e-rings are not an okay topic for them, it isn't happening unless it's by duress.

Kello4221 · June 2012

I think the person that wants to marry you should know you well enough to either pick something that you will like or ask you what you like/don't like! So I could understand being disappointed in an e-ring... however I think it's pretty silly thing to worry about that beforehand!

My FI and I had looked at rings once so he knew I wanted white gold, a solitare, and either emerald or asscher cut. If FI proposed with a ring that was yellow gold, three stone, princess cut, I think I would be disappointed after the excitement of the proposal wore off... it would have made me wonder if he ever listened and I may even eventually tell him. For aspects relating to cost though (like size or clarity of a diamond) I don't think you could ever express disappointment, that seems like gold digger territory to me.

Sarah&Eric2012 · June 2012

My FI had me email him pictures of rings that I liked. He went to his friend who owns a jewelry store in town and custom designed my ring. He brought pretty much everyone he knew with him at one point or another to "approve" the ring (his best friend, niece, sister, mother, etc.). I absolutely LOVE LOVE LOVE my ring and still catch myself staring at it randomly sometimes. If it had been something that I didn't love, I would probably have brought it up eventually, simply because I have to wear it for the rest of my life and I'm sure he would want me to love it too.

As far as your friend, I think PPs are right. If they've been together this long and e-rings aren't something thats open for discussion that's a problem. It might be time to have the "do you want to get married ever" discussion. Just so they both know where the other stands. My BF before FI told me a year and half into the relationship that he didn't ever want to get married, that's when it ended for us. It was mutual because we both knew we had different goals and couldn't make the other happy in the long run. I started dating FI 5 days later and haven't ever looked back.

cronin85 · June 2012

I personally think its tacky to pick out your own ring. I would think that if your at the point in your relationship where you are talking wedding, that your FI would know what you like and dont like. And if someone would honestly say no to a proposal becaue of the ring then they are very shallow and shame on them. I think your friend is waaay out of touch with reality. It seems to me she is more excited for a "wedding" and not the actual "marriage".

MrsBassPlaya · June 2012

I think my FI knows me well enough to know that I did not want him surprising me with something. I want to love this ring in 10 years, so I wanted to pick it out. If he had proposed with what I thought was an "ugly" ring or a common style, I would have been disappointed. I would have still said yes and worn it proudly, but I'm sure down the road he'd be buying me one that I actually liked.

I went ring shopping by myself. He was pretty ok with not having to look at hundreds of rings at a jewelry store, though. So when I found the ring I wanted, I printed up a picture and the info and colored where I wanted the yellow diamonds. Then I gave it to him and told him to pick out whatever center stone he wanted. It worked great for us. He didn't have to shop, and I don't have to pretend to like something that I actually don't.

But I agree with the ladies who are concerned about your friend. If you've been in a relationship that long or if you're considering getting married, you should be able to communicate with each other your desires. Some girls want the surprise, some want to know they'll love the ring. They should be able to communicate those things with each other first.

kikirst33 · June 2012

FI and I never looked at rings together. We knew that we wanted to be together and had talked/joked about selling his/my house and moving in together.

When he purchased the ring the jewler asked if he and I had discussed what I wanted. His response was - "Picking the ring is my job. If she doesn't like it then this is one of many compromises that we'll have after we get married."

Of course my FI knew me well enough to pick out a beautiful ring that I absoluely love! No compromises needed.

kitkat887 · June 2012

A man who hasn't proposed is a man who doesn't want to. And if she wants to get married so bad, propose to him.
Shortly after we got engaged (TWO YEARS AGO UGH THIS ENGAGEMENT MUST END)
FI's BM's girlfriend told me I had to get the BM to propose because they were together longer than FI and I. Never mind that they broke up every 6 minutes. They broke up for good about a year later.

Anyway, I got exactly the ring I wanted, it is a family heirloom. But even if I had gotten something else I would have loved it because it would be special and from his heart.

ejheart · June 2012

Well, I think you have plenty of stories now but I'll go ahead and share mine anyway.

FI and I looked at rings once, probably about 3 years prior to getting engaged. It was just for fun, but I picked out a princess cut solitaire. I really wanted something simple. Like PPs, I'm a pretty simple, non-flashy person. While I like diamonds, they aren't really my thing and I didn't want a crazy flashy setting.

Fast forward to us getting engaged. FI picked out my ring completely on his own and surprised me with it. He remembered that I liked princess cut and white gold but he kinda forgot about the simple solitaire part. At first, it took me a little while to warm up to the ring but I was so happy to be engaged that I didn't worry about it much. However, he could tell that something was off and kept bugging me about it. He told me that we could take it back...that it wasn't a big deal and he wouldn't be offended but he wanted to know what was off about it. When I told him that it wasn't quite "me," and it was so fancy and big, etc. he said one of the sweetest things I've ever heard. He said something like, "See, this is why I think the guy is supposed to pick out the ring instead of the girl. You would never pick something out that's as gorgeous and fancy as you are. You would never pick something out that's what you truly deserve. So if that's all that it is, I think you should keep it. You'll learn to be fancy eventually." Haha. He was right though. I LOVE my ring now, and I realized that eventually I probably would have been bored with what I had originally picked out anyway.

All of that is to say that it's such a sweet gesture for a guy to take the time and money to pick out an engagement ring, that I don't see how anyone could complain about that. Really, is there such thing as an "ugly" diamond ring, anyway? I think any type of ring could grow on anyone if they gave it a chance.

CowgirlK39 · June 2012

You are all 100% right. She is blinded by the idea of a wedding than being married to him. He lost his job recently and so he went back to school to finish his degree. She whined than now he will never have money to buy her the ring she wants. I asked if she would ever elope, since that doesn't cost as much and if gets the same result. She said "OMG NO! I deserve a wedding after all this!" That, once again, gets the "here's your sign" award.

dupp0002 · June 2012

I dated a guy for 8 years.... Notice the past tense. If they're not on the same mindset now, they never will be! FI proposed after just shy of 8 MONTHS of dating! We had talked a bit about what I liked, and he hit the ball out of the park. My ring is everything I ever dreamed of and more... Not that the ring is why I said yes - the box was sitting closed on the table in front of me and I was so excited I had to be reminded to even look at it!

Let's talk E-rings

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