Address envelopes at shower?!

kristaj89 · August 2012

Hi girls,

I'm a bridesmaid in my brother's fiancee's wedding. I think she's great and am so happy my brother is marrying her and that she asked me to be in the wedding party! But I'm having an issue with the MOH, who recently started sending us e-mails about shower planning... I'm happy to do it, that isn't the issue, but one of her to-do items was "Somebody needs to make sure we buy enough thank you notes so guests can address their own thank you note envelopes at the shower."

WTF?! I have never heard of this being done and am horrified! To me it's like saying that the bride doesn't really care about thanking anybody so the least her guests can do is make it easier on her. And I'm not some fussy old biddy, either - I'm 23! I can only imagine what the actual fussy old biddies will think...

The problem is, since I'm the groom's sister, I don't know many of the other bridesmaids or the MOH well (MOH is a college friend, other bridesmaids are sisters and friends). How can I tactfully raise that this is a rude, tacky idea without getting slapped with the "sister-in-law-zilla" label?

Thanks girls!

kristaj89 · August 2012

So good to know I'm not alone in finding this an awful idea! My brother's fiancee is terrible about thank you notes to begin with, I've never gotten one for a single gift I've given her, so I guess the MOH has good intentions, but I can't see this going over well at all. I really hope she doesn't do it! I'll send her an e-mail like the one you suggested and see what I get back.

LetsHikeToday · August 2012

I was a BM in a wedding and the MOH did that for the shower we all helped host. I hated the idea but no one really listened to me. The grandma and aunt were super offended and refused to do it. All of the older guests side eyed it but did it anyway.

Habs2Hart · August 2012

Maybe you can just say that you were at a wedding shower (or someone you know was) and they did the TY this way and the guests were really offended at it and suggest maybe you leave the TY to the bride.

Meegles4 · August 2012

I've done it before and never really side-eyed it oddly enough. The bride still has to actually WRITE the thank you note. I think it's a little dumb because it's not like she has to search for people's addresses since she presumably has some sort of spreadsheet of the guest list, but still.

For my shower, my FMIL suggested this and my mom had a similar reaction to you. They were co-hosting. My mom mentioned it to me and I basically told her that I wanted to buy my own thank you notes anyway, so I'd prefer if they didn't do that. I wanted to get notes that matched the wedding colors and I was planning to use the same cards for shower and wedding gifts, so I saw no reason to have FMIL/my mom buy the shower cards.

Maybe approach it this way. Ask the MOH or even the bride her thoughts. Perhaps she'd rather pick out her own cards and thus there's no reason to worry about having something at the shower.

jessicabessica · August 2012

I would be put off by that, although I have never seen it IRL. I would send the MOH an email saying that it's a great idea to give the bride TY notes as part of the shower (my shower hostess gave me TY notes that matched the shower invites), but you don't think guests should address them. I like the suggestion to say you saw it done at another shower with bad reactions.

kaos16 · August 2012

I know that labels really aren't ideal to a lot of the ladies that follow all aspects of etiquette, but I really liked what my sister did for my shower, and it could be a good compromise. She printed out little clear labels to use when sending the shower invitations. She printed out a second identical set and gave them to me to use for my thank you cards after the shower. Maybe you could suggest that.

Summer2011Bride · August 2012

I agree I find it off-putting. Undoubtedly, the bride would have these addresses already for wedding invitations, and it really only takes her an extra minute to address the envelope when writing a TY note. I might write an e-mail to just the MOH using some of the PP's suggestions, like mentioning you have seen it done before, and guests were offended, etc.

At the end of the day, if she insists on going ahead with it, there's not much you can do once you voice your opinion. It won't look bad on you.

[Deleted User] · August 2012

Why don't you offer to make labels using the same list as the list for the invitations? Then you can give all the labels to the bride and she can use the ones for the people she received gifts from.

jessicabessica · August 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_address-envelopes-at-shower?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:02a9a65d-cb8e-495c-9659-ddfe67e94125Post:6ee1f456-5fa8-4c7f-84cf-7408763c2199">Re: Address envelopes at shower?!</a>:
[QUOTE]I agree I find it off-putting. Undoubtedly, the bride would have these addresses already for wedding invitations, and it really only takes her an extra minute to address the envelope when writing a TY note. I might write an e-mail to just the MOH using some of the PP's suggestions, like mentioning you have seen it done before, and guests were offended, etc. At the end of the day, if she insists on going ahead with it, there's not much you can do once you voice your opinion. It won't look bad on you.
Posted by Summer2011Bride[/QUOTE]

I think it will look bad on the OP--she's one of the shower hostesses.

If you want to avoid confrontation, can you just volunteer to get the TY notes and address them yourself? Then if the MOH mentions it, you can feign ignorance--say you never saw guests address their own TY notes before, so you just figured you would do it to make it easier on the bride--and since it's already done, there wouldn't be a way to do it at the shower.

funandfreckles · August 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_address-envelopes-at-shower?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:02a9a65d-cb8e-495c-9659-ddfe67e94125Post:f48759c8-a2d0-4711-bb53-160b4679e08a">Re:Address envelopes at shower?!</a>:
[QUOTE]This is a popular new "trend" that I find disgustingly rude and lazy personally. [/QUOTE]

That's exactly what I think: lazy!

tmwishful · August 2012

Awful idea. How difficult is it to get an address list and write the thank you's later?

TayBeach2013 · August 2012

My cousin did this and I side-eyed the sh*t out of it. No, just no.

maribeth721 · August 2012

Yeah we did this at my shower. It was fantastic. I had about 70 people at my shower. They actually made a game out of it. Everyone wrote down their name and address when they came in. We threw them all in a bag and I drew names at random so people could win prizes. It was so much better than playing horrible shower games. And it was so nice not to have to write out all those envelopes. My family has done this at several other showers as well. I got a lot of compliments from people on what a great idea that was. Not sure why it's so rude to ask someone to just address an envelope. If someone is legit that offended by that, they can just not come to my wedding. People are way too sensitive these days...

DramaGeek · August 2012

They did this at my cousin's wife's shower. What they didn't account for was that someone not attending might send a gift. My mom and I went in together on a gift but only I attended the shower as I was the only one in town at the time. When it came time to address the envelopes (which I side eyed heavily), there weren't enough for my mom to receive a thank you card. That went over like a lead balloon, let me tell ya.

I like the idea of telling the MOH that you've seen or heard of this being done and how people were offended by it and that you worry it will offend the guests. Let her take it from there.

reppunzel · August 2012

I just encountered this trend recently and wasn't impressed by it. At the first shower, they actually said "so <bride /> won't have to bother". I hope that just came out wrong, but it was very off-putting! It's four short lines on an envelope, you can/should be able to be "bothered" enough to do that for someone who likes/loves you enough to give you a gift and come to your shower and wedding (or do labels).

I did it then and I've done it since, and was I "that offended"? No, but even when it was phrased a little more tactfully, the message that came across was still that somehow we, the invited guests, were a social burden on the bride and could ease the nuisance we had created for her by bringing a gift. Not at all how I'd ever want a friend/loved one of mine to feel!

It's also weird when you get the card later in the mail. Reminiscent of appointment reminders from a dentist's/doctor's office or those mail-order information/opportunity ads ("send us a self-addressed, stamped envelope plus $14.95 to learn how you can earn money just by thinking positive thoughts!"), not a personal gesture of appreciation.

TurtlesAllTheWayDown · August 2012

I would suggest that you guys just help address the thank you notes as an extra gift to the bride. If no one wants to, just tell them you'll help the bride with it. That way you won't be offending them by calling their idea tacky (although it is), but hopefully they won't go through with it.

Address envelopes at shower?!

Re: Address envelopes at shower?!

Choose Another Board

Search Boards