Don't know whether to invite my sister-in-law's family

asoffian23 · April 2011

So I'm going to try and be as brief as possible, but unfortunately, this dilemma requires a lot of background info.

I have two brothers.

One brother (let's call him "A") has been married for 15+ years and I've gotten to know his wife's mother and brother well over the years (through family reunions, etc.). Simply put, I like them, and am planning to invite them to my wedding.

My other brother (let's call him "B") just got married a little under 2 years ago and his wife has a slightly larger family. She has a mother and step-dad (who she barely communicates with), a sister (who is married) another sister (not married) and a brother (under 18). So in total, we're talking about 6 people. The problem is that I'm not too fond of any of them and don't particularly want any of them at my wedding.

So my question is this. Is it terrible etiquette (in other words, can I get away with) to not invite these 6 people from brother B's side of the family? They're newer to our family, I'm not too fond of them, and we're talking about saving the cost of 6 heads.

Some other information that may factor in:
1. My fiance and I are paying for this wedding almost entirely by ourselves.

2. Brother A's wife's family will be flying from other parts of the US so are less likely to come, but I do expect them to come. (These are the ones I do like.)

3. Brother B's wife's family lives in my state and are only a 2-4 hour drive away. So, they are very likely to come if I invite them. (These are the ones I'm not as fond of.)

So, I would appreciate input from anyone who has their two cents to offer!

Sincerely,
-Baffled Bride

Meaghann17 · April 2011

would it hurt brother b's feelings? i could see why he might not understand. but that being said i dont think your brothers in laws are necessary, unless as you described there is a relationship.

i also don't think just because you are inviting sister in law a's siblings as well as parents you have to do the same to sister in law b. you could get away with inviting all of family a, and for family b perhaps just invite the parents?

i am not inviting any of my sister in laws family. i have met them and enjoy their company, but beyond family gatherings for my brothers children or a housewarming we don't interact.

GeauxTigers17 · April 2011

I think this largely depends on your family dynamics. It would be fine in my family - largely because these in-laws are technically not your family, so I don't see this as being the same as "if you invite some first cousins you need to include them all." You've gotten to know your first sister-in-law's mother and brother and feel close to them, so you're inviting them as your own friends.

I'd just try to look at it like that. Two of them are people you would consider friends. It's not necessary to invite the others, if you ask me, since you don't have the same relationship with them.

asoffian23 · April 2011

Thanks for the feedback Meaghann! I don't think brother b would care, but his wife might care and I really like her and don't want to upset/offend her. The problem is that if I ask her how she feels, she'll just say to do whatever I need to do - she's overly easygoing like that.

I think you make a really good point though that just because I'm inviting brother A's wife's family, I don't have to do the same for brother B. I may be able to get away with just inviting her sisters (not including the one sister's husband) and just her mom (since she's really not at all close to her step-dad, or her younger brother). That way, she still gets her core family members, but I've cut that list from 6 down to 3.

I do appreciate your response!

asoffian23 · April 2011

Thanks Geaux Tigers.

You also make a good point - I do see brother A's in-laws as more of my friends than I do with brother B's in-laws. It's hard to say what the family dynamic is since brother B's wife and in-laws are so much newer to my family. But I have spent time with them at family gatherings (a few times per year) so I feel like I see them often enough to need to invite them. But it's a valid point that they're not really MY family, and I'm inviting brother A's in-laws more as my friends than as my family. SO that helps.

Thanks again!

Loopyseven · April 2011

If her mom is married to her step-dad, (thus making him a step dad) they need to be invited together as a couple. If you invite SIL - B's sisters you need to invite their husbands. It's impolite to separate spouses.

asoffian23 · April 2011

Thanks for your input Loopyseven. It's difficult to explain, but it actually wouldn't be terrible etiquette to invite the mom without the step-dad and the sister without the husband. My brother's in-laws are a little different and they would actually probably end up coming to our wedding in these arrangements anyhow.

graysquirrel · April 2011

I don't think that you have to invite them. Just because they are relatives of your in-law doesn't make them relatives of yours, in my mind. If they are people that you would normally choose to associate with as friends, then invite them because they're your friends. But if not, then I see no reason why you'd need to.

asoffian23 · April 2011

Thanks Graysquirrel. It seems like that's the general consensus among those who have written so far. If they're not people I would generally consider friends and associate with, then I don't need to invite them. I just need to make sure I won't hurt brother b's wife's feelings.

cara91997 · April 2011

I don't think you need to invite both sets of in laws. You already said with sister in law B that she rarely communicates with step dad. I don't think you can really invite her mom without her step dad, even if you think that only her mom would come. Plus, you said she is easygoing. Just don't invite her family and don't bring it up. If she were to say something, you could always say that you see Brother A's in-laws more frequently and have known them longer. I doubt she will say anything though. Do you think her family expects invitations?? I agree with pps. This isn't your family. It isn't like inviting one cousin and not the other.

NOLAbridealmost · April 2011

It would be way ruder to invite SIL-B's family members without spouses than to just not invite SIL-B's family at all.

chrissyinatl · April 2011

I am in a similar situation, both of my siblings are married. I'm actually inviting my sister's in-laws but not my brother's in-laws. I have a real relationship with my sister's in-laws (my sister and I live in the same town so I see them when they come visit her) but not my brother's in-laws.

So I felt okay with it. We're paying for our own wedding and I don't have a relationship with those individuals.

asoffian23 · April 2011

Thanks everyone for the feedback! It's all very helpful and you all seem to be in agreement with the way I'm leaning, which is to NOT invite anyone from brother B's in-laws.

Don't know whether to invite my sister-in-law's family

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