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Wedding Etiquette Forum
Announcements to people not invited to the wedding
My mother wants me to send engagement or wedding announcements to distant relatives and family friends who I'm not inviting to the wedding. Her reasoning is "in case they wanted to give a gift." I'm not strapped for cash or presents. I feel that sending a notice that's basically saying "we're getting married but you're not invited" is extremely rude, but her argument is that I'm not notifying anyone we're engaged. Am I wrong in thinking this is rude? How do I reach an agreement with her? Thanks!
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Re: Announcements to people not invited to the wedding
Wedding announcement are sent to friends, business friends and family, not close enough to be invited to the wedding. They are send any time after the actual wedding takes place.
[QUOTE]My mother wants me to send engagement or wedding announcements to distant relatives and family friends who I'm not inviting to the wedding. Her reasoning is "in case they wanted to give a gift." I'm not strapped for cash or presents. I feel that sending a notice that's basically saying "we're getting married but you're not invited" is extremely rude, but her argument is that I'm not notifying anyone we're engaged. Am I wrong in thinking this is rude? How do I reach an agreement with her? Thanks!
Posted by cjmara[/QUOTE]
You are not wrong.
To me, an engagement announcement is the same thing as a wedding announcement. Either way, you are telling them, "I'm getting married and you aren't invited!"
Are you paying for these announcements? If so, put your foot down. If not, try explaining to her that people who are not being invited to the wedding should not receive announcements, especially if the reason is, "so they can get you a gift."
If your mom wants them to know so badly, she can send them an e-mail or mention it in the next Christmas card.
But honestly, why would anyone not close enough to you to receive an invitation to your wedding care enough that you are married that they need to receive a mailed notice of it?
I'm totally with you on this one. And wedding announcements do not require a gift. Sure, some people might feel generous...but what if they felt obligated, do you want a gift from someone who felt they HAD to send you one?
You mom is nuts. (I say that lightly, I'm sure she is a lovely woman who is just excited for her daughter.)
[QUOTE] why would anyone not close enough to you to receive an invitation to your wedding care enough that you are married that they need to receive a mailed notice of it? Posted by _Dagney_[/QUOTE]
I agree that wedding announcements after the fact are fine, and that they don't obligate/solicit gifts.
But, I understand from some of the older generations that a wedding used to be seen as a social right of passage - bride and groom "came out" to society as a married couple, etc. So I don't know how traditional your mom is, but that might be part of her motivation.
The "in case they want to send a gift" thing is weird though.
I felt a little funny about it, but it was honestly the one thing she requested during the whole planning process. We've received a few cards and gifts, but she worded it well so that it was clear that it wasn't a gift grab.
Planning!.....Married!
[QUOTE]Wedding announcements are meant to share the celebration marriage with others. It is not a "you are not invited" announcement. These are a common thing many ue(including myself) send out when a large guest list is outl of the question. If you were to recieve an announcement from your distance second cousin, I would imagine your first thought would be excitement and happiness for the couple, not bitterness that you weren't invited. Just like graduation announcements, its a chance to share an exciting time in your life with family and friends, and simply that.
Posted by dougale[/QUOTE]
Thank you for understanding! I was beginning to think that I was being selfish and rude to have a small guest list, but wanting to extend my happiness to my out-of-town relatives who aren't invited (largely so that they won't feel obligated to foot the bill to travel). I plan on using engagement photos. It's not about asking for a gift or saying that they're not invited, but instead letting them know that you still think of them and you're thinking of them on your special day, even if it isn't practical for them to come to the event itself.