Prenup Guilt

Knittibell · July 2010

When I was widowed I received a fairly large settlement from the insurance of the elderly driver who killed my husband. I'm not talking millions, but it's a nice nest egg for emergencies and whatnot. Before I ever THOUGHT of dating, I knew if I ever met someone, I'd get a pre-nup for just these funds, because I see them as my late husband providing for me and his family (I'm planning to use funds to pay for his only nephew's college education, as well).

FI and I were friends before we dated, and he knows about the money, how much there is, why I have it, and that I'm planning a pre-nup. He's totally ok with it, but I feel guilty. Before this situation I never EVER would have considered one, and I'm really anti-prenup... but I don't see this as MY money- I see it as my late husband's money.

So, I'll be talking to a lawyer, but am hoping the contract can be more simple and neutral, something like "the assets each person has before the wedding shall remain their own, and any joint assets aquired during the marriage are to be divided equally" or something to that effect (we're in the process of buying a house together after we each sell our own, I'd consider that joint, etc).

Can I assume they do them like that? Also does anyone else feel bad if you had one?

melissamc2 · July 2010

That's a fairly standard pre-nup, actually. It just ensures that what you had on your own stays yours in the event of divorce. If you feel strongly about using that money to help your late husband's family, and honour his wishes, then you are well within your rights to make sure that happens.

I don't feel at all guilty about a pre-nup, and I think everyone should have one (regardless of income/assets - because they can be drawn up to protect a lot more than just 'stuff,' it's just not as common...yet). A lot can happen during the course of a marriage and there is no shame in having a "just in case" measure in place.

No one feels guilty about having health, dental, vision, life, house, and car insurance do they? Ultimately, a pre-nup is the same thing. You hope you never need to use it, but it's always a good idea to be prepared.

Good luck!

right1thistime · July 2010

I agree with Melissa. If the shoe were on the other foot, and he had assets as the result of the death of his first wife, and felt as you do- would you want HIM to feel guilty about protecting those assets to be used for what they were intended to do? I doubt it.

We have a pre-nup that says exactly what you proposed. Both of us were hurt financially by our first divorces (he more than me), and we both felt strongly that stating our intent to each other strengthened our commitment. It clearly puts forth to each other that our intent, should the marriage veer off in a direction we had not forseen, would not be to harm each other financially. We are both successful, but our assets are not equal. I side eye his first wife for requiring a chunk o'money from him (which he acquired by inheritance) as part of their divorce. I fully understand that there are times when a couple makes choices for only one to work while the other is doing something else (raising their children, going to school) and that the assets earned during that time should be divided. What I don't agree with is the cash-grab from someone to "make me go away peacefully". I'd rather be poor and hold my head high. Actually, I'd rather hold my head high and take care of myself. And I wouldn't have married anyone who felt differently - at least at the time of the marriage. ~Donna

Knittibell · July 2010

Thanks very much! I feel better now. FI is great- he honestly has no problem with it, totally gets it and agrees that it's late husband's money and he has no desire to use it for himself in any way. He hasn't made me feel guilty- it's more my previous feelings on pre-nups coming back to bite me. I'm feeling better that we can do something mutual- especially since he's looking at starting a business, so that way he can protect that too. Thanks, ladies.

Leslyblanc · July 2010

Maybe because I had to raise my older kids by myself and thanks Jesus I had the means for it, the infra sctructure and the help of my parents once they are their only grandkids and now I am raising my teen completely by myself once his dad, my late husband died when he was just 2 years old, I think that there is nothing wrong with you preserving and protecting a money left for you by your late husband which purpose for, you already knew in advance. FI and I are very seattle down with the pre nup and this question: what came from my family or from my husband's belongs to my kids, and to them only. The same way with him; what belongs to him or cames from his family belongs to his daughters. What we are building up, will belong to us and to our kids together regardless what they have already. That was the way that we found to seatlle different assets between our kids without bringing any problems for us. Mine have a lot more than his, but, if they want in the future - mainly our teenagers that get along very well - they can share what they have with any of his daughter. It will be his call. What I built by myself I share with him and vice versa and we are doing just great like this for over 5 years! Go for it ...the world is becoming more and more complicated and you better protect your assets and the money for the rainy days like my dad used to call it.

Lisa8888 · July 2010

Do not feel guilty. You need a prenup.

melliott09 · July 2010

I would do what you are doing without a doubt! And the fact that FI knows about it and understands your stance is great!

This money was left to you to ensure you are taken care of, and it's an added bonus that you are assisting his family!

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