My sister is a complete flake... should she be my MoH?

[Deleted User] · August 2010

Long story short: my younger sister became pregnant at 18, and married her boyfriend 3 years later in a wedding that she and my mom put together in just 9 days! I was still away at college at the time, and came home just for the wedding day to be her MoH. Her marriage has actually dissolved less than a year later, because she is 22 years old and has a 3 year old, so she never really got her chance to rebel.

Now, I'm engaged, but our date isn't until 2012. I try to keep reminding myself that people can change, but I'm just so worried that she will flake out on me and not be the supportive MoH I need. She even asked if she could bring a friend to my engagement party (which is family-only), because she will be BORED. That stung, a lot.

My fiance is have 2 best men... would it be acceptable for me to have 2 MoHs? My future sister-in-law would completely be that supportive, organized, and helpful person, but will my sister feel even more bored then? I feel like I'm being completely shallow in thinking that my sister won't be able to provide all the usual MoH details... from showers and bachelorettes to just not texting on her blackberry while I'm having a nervous breakdown.

Help!

saxy414 · August 2010

Standard WP response is that your MOH, or any BMs for that matter, have no responsibilties besides buying the dress and showing up on time for pictures, preferably sober. You should pick those nearest and dearest that you want to stand next to you, not the ones you think will throw you a good party (not required) or plan (that's your FI's job).

That being said, there is no law that says your sister has to be your MOH just because she's your sister. If you aren't close, don't choose her. However, it is often less of a pain to ask her if it will cause family drama. Does she expect to be MOH? Does your mom expect her to be MOH? Do you want to hear about this at every Christmas for the rest of your life?

Also, since your date isn't until 2012, don't ask your WP yet. You are totally correct in saying that people can change, and if you scroll down this board I'm sure there area myriad of posts on how people change and then the bride wants them out of the WP...which is not a good thing. Wait until AT MOST a year out, and maybe even a few months after that.

Edit: And yes, it is perfectly acceptable to have two MsOH.

BeeBee22 · August 2010

Please read the "FAQ" with the thumbtack icon above. You're thinking about this too early an expecting too much of your MOH.

AutumnFair · August 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_sister-complete-flake-should-she-moh?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:0ad5fb7b-481c-4a9e-80fb-a7b09f170974Post:9ca2f2d9-0545-4f1a-97b6-3c77e90096f7">My sister is a complete flake... should she be my MoH?</a>:
[QUOTE]Long story short: my younger sister became pregnant at 18, and married her boyfriend 3 years later in a wedding that she and my mom put together in just 9 days! I was still away at college at the time, and came home just for the wedding day to be her MoH. Her marriage has actually dissolved less than a year later, because she is 22 years old and has a 3 year old, so she never really got her chance to rebel. Now, I'm engaged, but our date isn't until 2012. I try to keep reminding myself that people can change, but I'm just so worried that she will flake out on me and not be the supportive MoH I need. She even asked if she could bring a friend to my engagement party (which is family-only), because she will be BORED. That stung, a lot. My fiance is have 2 best men... would it be acceptable for me to have 2 MoHs? My future sister-in-law would completely be that supportive, organized, and helpful person, but will my sister feel even more bored then? I feel like I'm being completely shallow in thinking that my sister won't be able to provide all the usual MoH details... from showers and bachelorettes to just not texting on her blackberry while I'm having a nervous breakdown. Help!
Posted by Shepowski[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>Your not obligated to make your sister MOH, but remember she is in a young rebellious stage in her life, some people take longer to grow up, she might be one of them. Since your wedding isn't until 2012 you need to <strong>wait</strong> until 4-6 months out to make a decision.</div><div>
</div><div>Yes, you can have 2 MOH, I have been co-MOH before not a big deal.</div><div>
</div><div>Also the only thing the MOH or anyone else has to do is get the dress and be at the wedding sober. If your sister can achieve those two things then she is just as "qualified" as your FSIL to be MOH. Bridal Showers, Bach. parties, anything dealing with your wedding is not mandatory for your WP to host, help or be present for so just a FYI for your to remember when you come to a decision.

</div>

Licia&Wayne · August 2010

Just put this on the back burner, OP. All of the PP have wonderful points, but the best of which is: It's way too early to choose your wedding party.

When you get closer to your date, under a year out, if you want your sister in your wedding party, ask her. It shouldn't matter if she won't help you plan, or throw you parties or be on call for you. You should ask her because you can't imagine her not being next to you while you're getting married.

Get over what your expectations are and when you ask your WP closer to your wedding do it for the right reasons, not the superficial ones.

gottahavashorti · August 2010

Wait until you're under a year out to think about this again.

Your sister does not have to be MOH. Although in some families it is expected that siblings will be MOH or otherwise in the WP that is not always the case. I have never been part of your family so I cannot tell you whether she needs to be in your WP.

The MOH and BMs do not have any duties. So don't take into account what they can do for you or how supportive they may be.

Your very closest friend is your MOH. It is fine to have 2 MOH or no MOH.

Remind your sister that she has the right to decline any invitations for events she believes she will not enjoy, including engagement parties, showers, and bachelorette parties.

suz62984 · August 2010

All that is "required" of a MOH is to get the dress, show up sober, walk down the aisle, hold your flowers, straighten your train, smile for pictures. That's It!!!!!

Pick the person you are closest too! It may or may not be your sister. Don't pick someone based on what they can do for you. That would be shallow. It just sounds like your sister isn't much into weddings. Don't know why that would "Sting you" but some people just aren't. I promise that you will regret picking your WP so early though. Please wait to ask people 8 months out from your wedding. You will be so glad that you did...i promise. Otherwise, yes two MOHs are fine.

mbcdefg · August 2010

Ditto PPs that the MOH should be your closest friend, regardless of what she may or may not be able to do for you during the planning process.

Why are you anticipating having a nervous breakdown?

I get that you wish your sister was more supportive, but really, how much "support" do you really need? You're planning a WEDDING, not the invasion of Normandy. You have two years to put together a ceremony and a party, and you have a built-in planning partner in your fiance.

Really. Wedding planning is not so complicated that it requires support and nervous breakdowns. You're setting yourself up to make this entirely more complicated than it needs to be, and that's not only going to make you stressed out but it's also going to be incredibly annoying for everyone around you. If you go into it with the attitude of, "I will need lots of help and it's going to be a nightmare!" then guess what, it will be. If you go into it with the attitude of, "We're going to plan what we want, skip what we don't want and pick our battles when it comes to arguing with family/friends," then things will more than likely be a breeze.

If it IS super-complicated and stressful for you (outside of a few legitimately annoying moments that anyone will have while planning a large-scale event) ... then you're either planning something that's entirely too complicated and you should scale it back a bit ... or it means that you're being a gigantic drama queen and that's going to piss people off.

bablingbrooke · August 2010

Wait a year then think about it.

FWIW, my flaky and bratty sister was my MOH and I have no regrets.

mandi921vh · August 2010

I agree with the PP's about waiting. My wedding date is May 2012 and even though FI and I have an idea of who we want in our WP (90% sure) we will not be asking anyone for another year.

PeonyPrincesskdd · August 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_sister-complete-flake-should-she-moh?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:0ad5fb7b-481c-4a9e-80fb-a7b09f170974Post:9ca2f2d9-0545-4f1a-97b6-3c77e90096f7">My sister is a complete flake... should she be my MoH?</a>:
[QUOTE]Long story short: my younger sister became pregnant at 18, and married her boyfriend 3 years later in a wedding that she and my mom put together in just 9 days! I was still away at college at the time, and came home just for the wedding day to be her MoH. Her marriage has actually dissolved less than a year later, because she is 22 years old and has a 3 year old, so she never really got her chance to rebel. Now, I'm engaged, but our date isn't until 2012. I try to keep reminding myself that people can change, but <strong>I'm just so worried that she will flake out on me and not be the supportive MoH I need. </strong>She even asked if she could bring a friend to my engagement party (which is family-only), because she will be BORED. That stung, a lot. My fiance is have 2 best men... would it be acceptable for me to have 2 MoHs?<strong> My future sister-in-law would completely be that supportive, organized, and helpful person,</strong> but will my sister feel even more bored then? <strong>I feel like I'm being completely shallow in thinking that my sister won't be able to provide all the usual MoH details... from showers and bachelorettes</strong> to just not texting on her blackberry while I'm having a nervous breakdown. Help!
Posted by Shepowski[/QUOTE]

Looks like everyone already answered your question very well. Take their advice.

If you mean that your worried your sister will flake out on you AS IN she will not attend the wedding, then I can see a potential problem here.

If she plans on attending the wedding, then everything's all good and she should def be your MOH.

Their are no MOH duties. A MOH does not have to be organized and helpful.

Also, I think you need to think a little higher of your sister and stop thinking that she isn't supportive. Just because she is not all gun-ho about the wedding planning stuff doesn't mean she doesn't support your wedding.

Having your sister as the pretend MOH and having your FSIL as the "Real" MOH who will be doing all the planning and duties is pretty shallow and I'm sure your sister will be pretty hurt by it.

Also, choosing FSIL to be a MOH based on her being organized and because you think she will throw you showers/bacelorettes is also pretty shallow.

Everyone told you what you should do. I would just take the advice and and follow what everyone said

trix1223 · August 2010

Everybody else has covered the logistics: yes, you can have 2 MsOH, yes you should wait until a bit less than a year to ask anyone, your MOH really only has "duties" for the ceremony.

But I am going to ditto malphabeet: a wedding is a celebration and a party. Why do people think they need "support" to plan a wedding? As many regs here know: my family has just come through a horrific first half of 2010.

Examples of times you need support are when someone dies, when you get a diagnosis of a life threatening illness or injury, or you're a victim of a crime.

Relax a little and realize what it is you're preparing for here. If you need support, turn to the guy who put the ring on your finger.

mysticl · August 2010

I like trix's point about support. Weddings and the spending of money can be stressful and maybe cause a few tears here and there but shouldn't be anything you can't talk out with your FI or a friend/relative. If you think you are going to have a full on nervous breakdown around your wedding then maybe you need to rethink getting married.

bablingbrooke · August 2010

I hope she's just being dramatic and that a shortage cocktail napkins and tulips in the wrong color aren't truly enough to give her any sort of stress...

My sister is a complete flake... should she be my MoH?

Re: My sister is a complete flake... should she be my MoH?

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