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No one is bothering to help.....

nhudgensnhudgens
10 Comments
in Wedding Woes
Hello, I am a first time bride, and I am under so much pressure right now. I have done everything for my wedding so far, with help from my fiance when he's able to help. My sister is my maid of honor and has not attempted to assist me in anything, she won't even return my phone calls. I have four bridesmaids total and only my best friend has ordered and paid for her dress. My other bridesmaids refused to order their dresses and I had to order them myself because they were discontinued styles and I didn't want to miss out on them..... well.... none of them has even paid me back for them. It has been four months now and all I am getting are excuses and being brushed off. I am paying for vendors on some things, but I am a DIY kind of person, so some things I have opted to do on my own i.e; jumping broom, headpieces, place cards and table numbers. I have have even done my own invites. I'm not saying that I need the help, but it would be nice to at least have it available if I did. I don't know what else to do, none of them seem to really care and are not putting in any effort to make this experience a happy one.   Cry Any advice would be greatly appreciated.
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Re: No one is bothering to help.....

  • MinMMinM
    10000 Comments
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_wedding-woes_one-bothering?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:47Discussion:d482a104-cead-46b7-a47f-38537b61740aPost:94a58686-5bab-4cc5-9980-63dc18afd7fc">No one is bothering to help.....</a>:
    [QUOTE]Hello, I am a first time bride, and I am under so much pressure right now. I have done everything for my wedding so far, with help from my fiance when he's able to help. My sister is my maid of honor and has not attempted to assist me in anything, she won't even return my phone calls. I have four bridesmaids total and only my best friend has ordered and paid for her dress. My other bridesmaids refused to order their dresses and I had to order them myself because they were discontinued styles and I didn't want to miss out on them..... well.... none of them has even paid me back for them. It has been four months now and all I am getting are excuses and being brushed off. I am paying for vendors on some things, but I am a DIY kind of person, so some things I have opted to do on my own i.e; jumping broom, headpieces, place cards and table numbers. I have have even done my own invites. I'm not saying that I need the help, but it would be nice to at least have it available if I did. I don't know what else to do, none of them seem to really care and are not putting in any effort to make this experience a happy one.     Any advice would be greatly appreciated.
    Posted by nhudgens[/QUOTE]

    No one will care about your wedding as much as you do. If you have opted to DIY, that is just what it means...you will have to do it YOURSELF. If you want help, ask for it....don't wait for it to be offered and don't expect people to give you their free time. If you need help, pay for it. And you ordered those dresses, you may end up paying for them. When you did that, you were trying to spend other people's money and you can't do that.
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  • ReturnOfKuusReturnOfKuus member
    Eighth Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its Name Dropper
    edited December 2011
    Why is your FI only "helping"?  It's his wedding, too. 
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  • nhudgensnhudgens
    10 Comments
    edited December 2011
    They knew I was ordering them, I called all of them and talked them individually about their financial situations and asked if that would help them at that time, they all agreed. The dresses had been marked down to $40, which isn't a lot of money. I have asked for help on more than one occasion and I have been told that they would help and when that day would come I wouldn't hear from or see any of them.
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  • *Barbie**Barbie* member
    Knottie Warrior 5000 Comments 500 Love Its Name Dropper
    edited December 2011
    entitled, much? either you and your FI should DIY, or pay someone to do it for you. you shouldn't be expecting free labor from your friends and relatives. bridesMAIDS, not bridesSLAVES
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  • MinMMinM
    10000 Comments
    edited December 2011
    You don't get to decide if $40 is, or is not, a lot of money to someone.

    And if you have asked for help on more than one occasion and people continually fail to show, than you need to stop asking and pay for help or sit down with your FI and figure out how the two of you can get things done. He should be an active participant in this.....certainly as much as you are.
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  • nhudgensnhudgens
    10 Comments
    edited December 2011
    I meant, that he helps out with everything that he has knowledge of. Don't get me wrong, he has done a lot also, but some things should be hashed out with your girls. He doesn't know about what type of veil I should wear or what kind of bra and panties I should go with, or if my shoes match up with my dress(he can't see the dress anyway lol) Some things shouldn't even be disciussed with him for the sake of tradition.
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  • tawillerstawillers member
    Ninth Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its Name Dropper
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_wedding-woes_one-bothering?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:47Discussion:d482a104-cead-46b7-a47f-38537b61740aPost:12c27fb0-9dfe-4c1f-a61d-ae45f19ee631">Re: No one is bothering to help.....</a>:
    [QUOTE]<strong>The dresses had been marked down to $40, which isn't a lot of money.</strong>
    Posted by nhudgens[/QUOTE]

    It may not be a lot to you, but you don't know what someone else thinks of $40.  You can't assume that $40 isn't a lot to someone.  You offered to help them by purchasing the dresses.  Now you're just going to have to wait until they have the money and be prepared for that day to never come.

    Also, your wedding is at the end of June, according to your profile.  They see it as a day that is still 7+ months away.  They probably want to get through holiday gift purchases before they want to think about your wedding.
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  • *Barbie**Barbie* member
    Knottie Warrior 5000 Comments 500 Love Its Name Dropper
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_wedding-woes_one-bothering?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:47Discussion:d482a104-cead-46b7-a47f-38537b61740aPost:f423ad70-8662-4794-86d1-a50b5d6150e5">Re: No one is bothering to help.....</a>:
    [QUOTE]I meant, that he helps out with everything that he has knowledge of. Don't get me wrong, he has done a lot also, but some things should be hashed out with your girls. He doesn't know about what type of veil I should wear or <strong>what kind of bra and panties</strong> I should go with, or if my shoes match up with my dress(he can't see the dress anyway lol) Some things shouldn't even be disciussed with him for the sake of tradition.
    Posted by nhudgens[/QUOTE]

    you honestly need help picking out underwear? that's straight up pathetic.
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  • nhudgensnhudgens
    10 Comments
    edited December 2011
    I'm not expecting any help...never have, I'm going off of voluntarily offering and then not following through. If they don't then that's fine, I just don't want to lied to.
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  • nhudgensnhudgens
    10 Comments
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_wedding-woes_one-bothering?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:47Discussion:d482a104-cead-46b7-a47f-38537b61740aPost:3a9fdfb0-1f4b-43de-96ab-e05d5824c4a0">Re: No one is bothering to help.....</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: No one is bothering to help..... : you honestly need help picking out underwear? that's straight up pathetic.
    Posted by *Barbie*[/QUOTE]
    <div>
    </div><div>I don't actually need help with that... I was hypothetically</div><div>speaking.</div>
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  • nhudgensnhudgens
    10 Comments
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_wedding-woes_one-bothering?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:47Discussion:d482a104-cead-46b7-a47f-38537b61740aPost:e7bb1e0d-c58a-40e5-ab56-dbf2ce62a22d">Re: No one is bothering to help.....</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: No one is bothering to help..... : It may not be a lot to you, but you don't know what someone else thinks of $40.  You can't assume that $40 isn't a lot to someone.  You offered to help them by purchasing the dresses.  Now you're just going to have to wait until they have the money and be prepared for that day to never come. Also, your wedding is at the end of June, according to your profile.  They see it as a day that is still 7+ months away.  They probably want to get through holiday gift purchases before they want to think about your wedding.
    Posted by tawillers[/QUOTE]
    None of this was done out of the blue and without communication. Everything was discussed and planned out, with an understanding.... but all of that has been changed after the fact. I haven't and will not do anything without talking to them first, my sister was the first one to ask me if I could do it to help her out, and they all were fine with the price, if they weren't then I wouldn't have picked them or ordered them.
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  • nhudgensnhudgens
    10 Comments
    edited December 2011
    And the date has been changed, the wedding is in 4 months
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  • lbarr088lbarr088
    2500 Comments Second Anniversary Combo Breaker
    edited December 2011
    If I were you I would take a breath and relax.  I am a first time bride as well and it can be a lot.  The main thing you have to remember is that it is YOUR wedding and therefore, you have to plan, make appointments and everything yourself!  Bridesmaids can help IF they want.  They shouldn't be forced into the slave thing.

    About the dresses... I am starting to look for my BM dresses as well and when you see a great deal its hard not to want them to get in on it ASAP.  Unfortunately you, I, and every other bride, do not control somebody else's money.  As soon as you found out only one person ordered, instead of ordering it for them you should have tried to communicate with them and figure out their plans.  There are a bunch of other dresses so take your time and relax, you have plenty of time.  

    For the DIY stuff, do only what you and your FI can handle.  This will be a lot less stressful.

    GL!
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  • ReturnOfKuusReturnOfKuus member
    Eighth Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its Name Dropper
    edited December 2011
    *head tilt*

    I'm not sure random female friends and family members are experts on specialty undergarments, either.
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  • NOLABridesmaidNOLABridesmaid member
    Knottie Warrior 5000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    edited December 2011
    If you only have 4 bms, and the dresses are $40, it seems to me like you should just pay for the dresses, and call it a day. Call it money well spent, and move on to the next detail.
    image
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  • PMeg819PMeg819 member
    Knottie Warrior 5000 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer
    edited December 2011
    Deal with it. You chose these people to be your bridal party, and you can't do much more and accept it. You can't honestly tell me that these people were never ever flaky like this before the wedding. If they were, you had your signs and you chose to ignore them. If they weren't, sucks to be you. If you really want buy-in from 5 other people before you make decisions, you're inviting more stress. Make a decision and move on. As for them not paying you back, BFD. You bought the dresses, and again you have to have known based on past experience this might have been the result.
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  • nhudgensnhudgens
    10 Comments
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_wedding-woes_one-bothering?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:47Discussion:d482a104-cead-46b7-a47f-38537b61740aPost:975fefd5-6e51-428b-8af1-dd46583883a7">Re: No one is bothering to help.....</a>:
    [QUOTE]If I were you I would take a breath and relax.  I am a first time bride as well and it can be a lot.  The main thing you have to remember is that it is YOUR wedding and therefore, you have to plan, make appointments and everything yourself!  Bridesmaids can help IF they want.  They shouldn't be forced into the slave thing. About the dresses... I am starting to look for my BM dresses as well and when you see a great deal its hard not to want them to get in on it ASAP.  Unfortunately you, I, and every other bride, do not control somebody else's money.  As soon as you found out only one person ordered, instead of ordering it for them you should have tried to communicate with them and figure out their plans.  There are a bunch of other dresses so take your time and relax, you have plenty of time.   For the DIY stuff, do only what you and your FI can handle.  This will be a lot less stressful. GL!
    Posted by lbarr088[/QUOTE]
    Thanks for that! I have talked to them, it was all done before hand, that's the only reason why I did it that way because they asked me to.I 'm not so much worried about the help aspect, like earlier I said that I just don't want to lied to about it. It's not a big deal really, but I know that if it were one of them, it would probably be a little different. I know them very well and I know how they all function. I'm trying to relax, but it's so frustrating at the same time.<div>Good luck to you as well!  :)</div>
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  • MinMMinM
    10000 Comments
    edited December 2011
    Four months is plenty of time to get things done. I would move forward and assume no one is going to help you (except for you FI and other people who you pay to assist you).
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  • nhudgensnhudgens
    10 Comments
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_wedding-woes_one-bothering?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:47Discussion:d482a104-cead-46b7-a47f-38537b61740aPost:4eaec8f0-03dc-405c-9ba0-cc413600accd">Re: No one is bothering to help.....</a>:
    [QUOTE]Deal with it. You chose these people to be your bridal party, and you can't do much more and accept it. You can't honestly tell me that these people were never ever flaky like this before the wedding. If they were, you had your signs and you chose to ignore them. If they weren't, sucks to be you. If you really want buy-in from 5 other people before you make decisions, you're inviting more stress. Make a decision and move on. As for them not paying you back, BFD. You bought the dresses, and again you have to have known based on past experience this might have been the result.
    Posted by PMeg819[/QUOTE]
    I guess it really does. That's exactly why it's so difficult to understand, because they haven't been flaky in the past. If I had any indication that this would happen the way that it did.... I would have picked different people.... sometimes you just really don't know a person.
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  • nhudgensnhudgens
    10 Comments
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_wedding-woes_one-bothering?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:47Discussion:d482a104-cead-46b7-a47f-38537b61740aPost:7cc3dc46-d15b-4bd8-a834-7a44cdd5ab3a">Re: No one is bothering to help.....</a>:
    [QUOTE]Four months is plenty of time to get things done. I would move forward and assume no one is going to help you (except for you FI and other people who you pay to assist you).
    Posted by MinM[/QUOTE]
    True, thank you.  :)
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  • jaschellejaschelle
    10 Comments
    edited December 2011
    Hi there,

    I'm sorry to hear you are having so much difficulty with your bridesmaids. I do understand. I honestly quite disappointed in many of the responses I have read on here. I thought this was a place to go to for support?

    First, let me say that your concerns are valid. Google what is expected or what the job is of a bridesmaid or MOH- there you will learn just what is okay to EXPECT. You were offering them an honor by asking them to be in your wedding, they had the choice to accept or decline that invitation and the responsibilities that come with those titels. Although you and your future husband are the shining stars of the wedding day, your bridal party is a large part of the spotlight as well- therefore they too should have a vested interest in helping the day run smoothly.

    Although the dresses are supposed to be the responsibility of the individual BM's, because you got such a great deal, I agree with a comment from above and I would just let them know not to worry about it and you should go ahead and absorb the expense if you can. That very well may be your opportunity to shine as a bride in their eyes. Maybe they will then be more inclined to step to the plate as they should.

    I also understand being a DIY kinda gal- but as others have stated it does put a lot more stress on you. I have that problem as well. It would be nice for others to help you, but the only way to get it to work is to plan it right. For instance, find out when is a good time for everyone or most everyone to get together at your place for a girls get together. Let them know in advance that you would like to spend some quality time with them, maybe have some wine if thats your thing, some laughs, and maybe even watch a movie, but also let them know that you're going to be needing help with "whatever" lets say wedding programs- and how great it would be if yall could do it together- that you also really want their input about what to include or omit. See where I'm going? Make them feel more of a part of it rather than someone that just has to do things you say- make sense? and possibly you already presented it that way, I dont know.

    I do understand how difficult and frustraiting planning your wedding can be- I'm doing it as well- and having constant challenges. It will all work out! :) Keep your chin up :)

    Respectfully,
    Michelle 
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  • TheDuckisTheDuckis member
    Seventh Anniversary 5000 Comments 25 Love Its Name Dropper
    edited December 2011
    I can't believe no one else is laughing their asses off at "first time bride."
    photo DSC_2244copy.jpg
    Crap...I Mean Crafts
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  • nhudgensnhudgens
    10 Comments
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_wedding-woes_one-bothering?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:47Discussion:d482a104-cead-46b7-a47f-38537b61740aPost:3d373229-c0ed-48b2-a762-018167b99160">Re: No one is bothering to help.....</a>:
    [QUOTE]I can't believe no one else is laughing their asses off at "first time bride."
    Posted by TheDuckis[/QUOTE]
    Forgive me for being confused...but... why is that funny? There are plenty of women on here that have been brides before... this happens to be my first(and hopefully the last) time. 
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  • Mae0606Mae0606
    10 Comments
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_wedding-woes_one-bothering?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:47Discussion:d482a104-cead-46b7-a47f-38537b61740aPost:3d373229-c0ed-48b2-a762-018167b99160">Re: No one is bothering to help.....</a>:
    [QUOTE]I can't believe no one else is laughing their asses off at "first time bride."
    Posted by TheDuckis[/QUOTE]
    I can't believe you would laugh at someone who is onviously just stressed out right now- like most of us brides shes trying to hold down a job, pay bills, and get everything done with the wedding to make it everything weve alwasy wanted it to be.<div>
    </div><div>
    </div><div>
    </div><div>In response to OP, I think you should be honest with them and let them know how they feel and then move on. Prioritixe your DIY projects and get as much as you can done with you and your FH. If they want to help, theyll come- but like PP said assume its gonna be just you and hubby.</div>
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