Engagement Hell

Statum1214 · September 2012

Ever since we got engaged last Nov. my fiance and I have been battling daily about every detail of the wedding. He is very apathetic at times, which I can handle because it means I just have to make the decision myself. But then he will turn around and accuse me of not including his ideas and turning down everything he suggests. Which if you heard what he suggested we'd be getting married in a court room followed by dinner at his parents home.. which is pretty much the COMPLETE opposite of my dream. I have a huge family and my parents have blessed us with a decent budget that I am working hard to turn into an incredible evening! With only 3 months to go, it feels like it is getting worse! The fights are longer and more painful and get absolutely nothing accomplished. I know we love each other but working as a "team" is NOT something we're used to. Now that it is time to register for gifts, he made the MAJORLY immature threat that since I am planning the wedding all on my own, he will do our registry all on his own, including only the things that he wants and he will have the final say. I am BEYOND frustrated because I know that after the wedding, this will ALL be GONE! ughh Please Please help. I'm so jealous of the girls who's husband just lets her plan it, or even the ones that their man cares alot and has alot of LEGIT input for the wedding! So so exhausted from fighting.. any advice is MUCH appreciated.

AdeleDazeem · September 2012

My advice may not be what you were hoping to hear. Marriage is about compromise. I know you think that once the weddding is over the source of all your strife will be gone but it will merely be replaced by something else. All through your marriage you are going to face situations where you both disagree and will have to figure it out. Currently, it sounds like neither of you have good compromising or team working skills. That does not bode well at all. What is a marriage if not a team effort? I really suggest working on communication, problem solving, and asking why you are getting married.

Avion22 · September 2012

I'm sorry, but I agree with Joy. Based on your post, it sounds like you are hell-bent on having the wedding of YOUR dreams without any care in the world for what your fiance wants. Maybe he wants a small intimate wedding. Maybe he doesn't feel right about taking so much of your parents' money to pay for a party. Maybe he's more concerned about the marriage than he is about the wedding. There is absolutely nothing wrong with a courthouse wedding followed by a low-key dinner at home. That is just as much of a wedding as what you are planning.

I want to clarify that neither of you are wrong in what you want for a wedding. But a big part of wedding planning is compromise, and coming up with a day that fits both of your dreams.

I think it would be helpful to sit down with your fiance and appologize for hijacking the wedding planning. Identify what it is that HE wants, and why he wants it (is he worried about budget? Is he nervous around big groups of people?) and try to incorporate it into what you already have planned. His opinion IS important, and it's not too late to bring him into the wedding planning to make it his day too.

deafcouple2008 · September 2012

I also agree with Joy. If you two can't find a common ground then it is time to step back and look at the both of you. Take a deep breathe and work through it!

kmmssg · September 2012

Agree with Avion and Joy. You HAVE to be able to work as a team and it needs to be second nature. Teamwork and compromise are huge components of successful marriages.

Also - he sounds very immature about the registry. I really encourage you both to put things on hold and work on communication, goals, and possibly some counseling.

thejucheidea · September 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_engagement-hell?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:14Discussion:f9fcbb69-c950-4e60-8445-1e1ac0b5121cPost:3563f150-55a4-4b91-a23a-18eabb726b65">Engagement Hell</a>:
[QUOTE] I know we love each other but working as a "team" is NOT something we're used to.
Posted by Statum1214[/QUOTE]

Wow... do you really need to be getting married? Relationships are about teamwork.

RamonaFlowers · September 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_engagement-hell?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:14Discussion:f9fcbb69-c950-4e60-8445-1e1ac0b5121cPost:3563f150-55a4-4b91-a23a-18eabb726b65">Engagement Hell</a>:
[QUOTE]Ever since we got engaged last Nov. my fiance and I have been battling daily about every detail of the wedding. He is very apathetic at times, which I can handle because it means I just have to make the decision myself. But then he will turn around and accuse me of not including his ideas and turning down everything he suggests. Which if you heard what he suggested we'd be getting married in a court room followed by dinner at his parents home.. which is pretty much the COMPLETE opposite of my dream. I have a huge family and my parents have blessed us with a decent budget that I am working hard to turn into an incredible evening! With only 3 months to go, it feels like it is getting worse! The fights are longer and more painful and get absolutely nothing accomplished. I know we love each other but working as a "team" is NOT something we're used to. Now that it is time to register for gifts, he made the MAJORLY immature threat that since I am planning the wedding all on my own, he will do our registry all on his own, including only the things that he wants and he will have the final say. I am BEYOND frustrated because I know that after the wedding, this will ALL be GONE! ughh Please Please help. I'm so jealous of the girls who's husband just lets her plan it, or even the ones that their man cares alot and has alot of LEGIT input for the wedding! So so exhausted from fighting.. any advice is MUCH appreciated.
Posted by Statum1214[/QUOTE]

Once the wedding is over, this will not "all be gone". You just won't be fighting about the wedding plans anymore.

You both have incredibly different ideas of what you want for your wedding ... and honestly, it sounds like you're just steam-rolling ahead and doing whatever you want, because dammit, it's your dream and his plans suck. I'm not saying I'd want the wedding he has in mind ... but I also would think it's important to somewhat take his dreams into consideration (Whether it means having a more low-key event, a smaller guest list, etc). And the fact that he's "threatening" to completely take over the registry just because he wants his way about something isn't exactly an adult response to whatever resentment he's feeling over you not taking his ideas into consideration.

You both need to figure out how to compromise and communicate like adults with each other, because after the wedding, comes the actual marriage-which is a lot harder, and a lot more important. What's going to happen when you guys can't agree on how to save money, or whether or not you'll be having children ... and if you do, how are you going to raise them?

cwaggoner07 · September 2012

We moved into a new home right after the wedding, and I've found just learning to live together requires way more compromise than planning the wedding did.
I've found it just gets more complicated, but that's not a bad thing. You just HAVE to learn to compromise. And remember, compromise is never 50/50. It's coming to an alternate that you both agree on.

zitiqueen · September 2012

Ah yes. Everybody knows a piece of jewelry makes all of your problems disappear. And if that doesn't work -- BABIES!

GoodLuckBear14 · September 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_engagement-hell?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:14Discussion:f9fcbb69-c950-4e60-8445-1e1ac0b5121cPost:3563f150-55a4-4b91-a23a-18eabb726b65">Engagement Hell</a>:
[QUOTE]Ever since we got engaged last Nov. my fiance and I have been battling daily about every detail of the wedding. He is very apathetic at times, which I can handle because it means I just have to make the decision myself. But then he will turn around and accuse me of not including his ideas and turning down everything he suggests. Which if you heard what he suggested we'd be getting married in a court room followed by dinner at his parents home.. which is pretty much the COMPLETE opposite of my dream. I have a huge family and my parents have blessed us with a decent budget that I am working hard to turn into an incredible evening! With only 3 months to go, it feels like it is getting worse! The fights are longer and more painful and get absolutely nothing accomplished. I know we love each other but working as a "team" is NOT something we're used to. Now that it is time to register for gifts, he made the MAJORLY immature threat that since I am planning the wedding all on my own, he will do our registry all on his own, including only the things that he wants and he will have the final say. I am BEYOND frustrated because I know that after the wedding, this will ALL be GONE! ughh Please Please help. I'm so jealous of the girls who's husband just lets her plan it, or even the ones that their man cares alot and has alot of LEGIT input for the wedding! So so exhausted from fighting.. any advice is MUCH appreciated.
Posted by Statum1214[/QUOTE]

What does this even mean? The two of you need counseling at this point to work on communication skills. The serious lack of that skill will still be there and likely lead to attorneys fees and divorce court.

And the luckiest brides aren't the ones who did their wedding all by their little lonesome. The lucky ones are those of us who married men who took an active role in the planning.

zantster · September 2012

The PPs have all given you excellent insight. It sounds to me like your FI feels disrespected by what may appear to him to be you acting condescending and disregarding his input. Sometimes when you don't have to have your way you can end up getting it anyway when you show that you're flexible. So long as he isn't wanting to wear a powder blue tux with white patent leather shoes and a top hat, sometimes you should go along with something that may not have been your first choice. This carries over into your relationship and marriage as well. My FI has chosen the STDs and a few other things. I will have no input on his tux. He has been with me to all appointments as well. This has helped him become more involved and feel fully appreciated.

Also, initially, my FI appeared to want something low-key. So, I Iooked around for a nice private room in a beautiful restaurant that could accommodate the reception (ceremony would still be in the church). Once he saw that I was willing to reconfigure my dream to include his vision, he decided he wanted something more high-end! Now we are having more than I ever dreamed. But I wasn't faking it. I was really ready to tone it down. Because marrying him means more to me than the wedding itself. I did not want JOP. But I didn't mind something like a destination or a bit smaller and more intimate. There are so many creative ways to get what you both want.

You could even let him do the registry and then later on, after things have calmed down, go to him and say there were a few other things that you thought of that you'd like to add to the registry if that's ok. It's not an unchangeable thing. Pre-marital counseling might be in order as well to get out some of the resentment and tension that could be in the air.

Meegles4 · September 2012

Agree with PPs. I said several times during our wedding planning that planning a wedding was actually good practice for being married. You have to work together on budget and what you want/don't want, which you likely haven't had to do much while dating. My H and I definitely had some disagreements over how we were spending money for the wedding, what we were going to offer at the wedding, etc. etc.

While those specific things do go away after the wedding, the ideas behind them don't. You're still going to have to work on finances together. You're going to have to discuss and decide on who will do chores and a host of other things. While wedding planning is easier than marriage, it's a good indicator of how your marriage might go and where you have major disagreements in your relationship.

I think some arguments are normal during the planning process. I think constant fighting and ultimatums are not. I would suggest pre-marital counseling to work through some of these issues.

RailWayWife · September 2012

I agree with pp. You need to comprimise and have a wedding you BOTH want. How are you going to handle marriage if you cant even plan a wedding without constatly fighting?? I can happily say Fi & I calmly discuss anything if we dont agree, we each say why it is important to us then make a decision together.

mrsbiss2be · September 2012

I have to agree with everyone! This is not a good sign at all if you guys can't work together!
What happens when you have children and you can't agree on a certain school...or whatever else.

My suggestion would be to sit down with someone before this marriage to ensure this is the right thing for both of you. If you can't agree over something that is supposed to be so enjoyable (stress is normal, but fighting constantly about this is not normal) then this marriage might not be right for you.

Sorry...probably not what you want to hear but I tell it as I see it and I don't see a healthy future ahead of you guys.

cnf2013 · September 2012

I agree with PP's. Have you also considered that perhaps his apathy is coming from the notion that you'll just shoot down any ideas or suggestions he makes. Maybe he feels he'd rather not say anything since your so bent on having the wedding of YOUR dreams. My FI was semi apathetic at first and it was because he was careful not to step on my toes, thinking that it should be my dream wedding. We had an adult conversation about how it's OUR wedding and ever since then we've made joint decisions and we've both compromised on things we want.

You two are supposed to be entering a lifelong PARTNERSHIP, so you need to figure out how to work as team and communicate with each other. There will be plenty of other instances in your marriage that require lengthy, very heavy decision making and if you can't decide on frivilous things like decorations and gift registries than that doesn't bode well for your future. Sorry.

renegade gaucho · September 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_engagement-hell?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:14Discussion:f9fcbb69-c950-4e60-8445-1e1ac0b5121cPost:3563f150-55a4-4b91-a23a-18eabb726b65">Engagement Hell</a>:
[QUOTE] I know we love each other but working as a "team" is NOT something we're used to.

I am BEYOND frustrated because I know that after the wedding, this will ALL be GONE!
Posted by Statum1214[/QUOTE]

How on earth did you even get to the point of being engaged when you have never worked as a team? The purpose of dating someone is to see if you are compatible and capable of working as a team, if you share the same goals and values, and whether you are able to work out your disagreements in a healthy way. If none of these things are present in your relationship, it's a sign that you aren't right for each other.

As others have said, this will not all go away after the wedding. Next you will be fighting about how to decorate your house, how to handle finances, where to go on vacation, how much time you spend together, where to live, buying a house, if and when to have children and how many children to have and how to raise them, etc. Lacking the ability to work as a team means you are missing a required skill for marriage. It would be like hiring someone who isn't good at math to do your taxes. You both sound too immature and self-centered to get married. At the very least, postpone the wedding, get some counseling, and don't even think about marriage until you've both grown up.

GoodLuckBear14 · September 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_engagement-hell?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:14Discussion:f9fcbb69-c950-4e60-8445-1e1ac0b5121cPost:653b8f28-0f60-4d28-8743-96346a7ea5d2">Re: Engagement Hell</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Engagement Hell : How on earth did you even get to the point of being engaged when you have never worked as a team? The purpose of dating someone is to see if you are compatible and capable of working as a team, if you share the same goals and values, and whether you are able to work out your disagreements in a healthy way. If none of these things are present in your relationship, it's a sign that you aren't right for each other. As others have said, this will not all go away after the wedding. Next you will be fighting about how to decorate your house, how to handle finances, where to go on vacation, how much time you spend together, where to live, buying a house, if and when to have children and how many children to have and how to raise them, etc. Lacking the ability to work as a team means you are missing a required skill for marriage. It would be like hiring someone who isn't good at math to do your taxes. You both sound too immature and self-centered to get married. At the very least, postpone the wedding, get some counseling, and don't even think about marriage until you've both grown up.
Posted by renegade gaucho[/QUOTE]

Yep. DH and I spent the last three months working on a design for a kitchen remodel that costs twice what our wedding cost us. What kind of cabinets you want, countertops, flooring, lighting, faucets, which appliances and the color scheme of the room is more lasting than anything other than the vows at a wedding. The only reason we didn't get into any fights about anything is because we can both argue rationally and listen to what the other person wants. Some of the best marriage advice we got was, even if you win the argument, make sure the other person feels like the final is also their decision - in other words, don't railroad someone into agreeing with you.

zitiqueen · September 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_engagement-hell?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:14Discussion:f9fcbb69-c950-4e60-8445-1e1ac0b5121cPost:653b8f28-0f60-4d28-8743-96346a7ea5d2">Re: Engagement Hell</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Engagement Hell As others have said, this will not all go away after the wedding. Next you will be fighting about how to decorate your house, how to handle finances, where to go on vacation, how much time you spend together, where to live, buying a house, if and when to have children and how many children to have and how to raise them, etc. Posted by renegade gaucho[/QUOTE]

How much should be paid in child support, is she entitled to alimony, what's a fair schedule for visitation... the list goes on and on.

Meghannsix · September 2012

Yup, yup and yup. Sorry OP, I also agree with everything all PP's have said. The wedding is just a party, marriage is life. If you can't figure out how to work together as a team to plan a party, it's going to be beyond tough to plan your life.

michellesean · September 2012

I have a feeling this post os some serious MUD

cncoombs · September 2012

Sorry I agree with everyone else...and highly recommend some pre-marital counseling to work through your communication issues. You will be a team for the rest of your lives so you both need to figure out how to do that before the wedding.

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