Dinner Question (X post)

erollis · November 2010

So we had it all budgeted out for a Sunday wedding, middle of the day, with a little bit of food (Cakes, crackers, cheeses and fruits) with drinks (water, coffee, tea, punch, soda, beer and wine). FYI my parents are paying for a good portion of the wedding.

Over Thanksgiving my mother and Aunt bring up what are people going to do for dinner? My reply is they find there own food since it is after the reception. They ask what will they do for food. I tell them they can go out to eat someplace. This is not going over well. They think we should invite people someplace to eat and provide food. I mention this would be expensive and was not in our budget. Hence the kind of reception we are having. Still doesn't go over well. We are unable to get our venue for any longer then we already have it. So extending the time and serving dinner is not an option.

Is it wrong to casually invite people out to eat with us after the wedding if they wanted to? Meaning that we would pay for our food and them theirs.

Would it be better to try and find a restaurant (or someplace) that we can have an extreamly inexpensive "second" reception?

If we did one of these options how would I word the invitation? Would it be a separate invitation from the wedding invite?

Beachy730 · November 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_dinner-question-x-post?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:e1f08e9b-217a-4605-8170-b11cbb37e16bPost:37436716-cc3d-47d6-ac25-b4ecc12fa9bb">Dinner Question (X post)</a>:
[QUOTE]So we had it all budgeted out for a Sunday wedding, middle of the day, with a little bit of food (Cakes, crackers, cheeses and fruits) with drinks (water, coffee, tea, punch, soda, beer and wine). FYI my parents are paying for a good portion of the wedding. Over Thanksgiving my mother and Aunt bring up what are people going to do for dinner? My reply is they find there own food since it is after the reception. They ask what will they do for food. I tell them they can go out to eat someplace. This is not going over well. They think we should invite people someplace to eat and provide food. I mention this would be expensive and was not in our budget. Hence the kind of reception we are having. Still doesn't go over well. We are unable to get our venue for any longer then we already have it. So extending the time and serving dinner is not an option. Is it wrong to casually invite people out to eat with us after the wedding if they wanted to? Meaning that we would pay for our food and them theirs. Would it be better to try and find a restaurant (or someplace) that we can have an extreamly inexpensive "second" reception? If we did one of these options how would I word the invitation? Would it be a separate invitation from the wedding invite?
Posted by erollis[/QUOTE]

What time is your reception starting? As long as it is not during normal dinner hours, you are perfectly fine not to serve a full meal. Direct your mom and aunts here and we will tell them that a Sunday afternoon reception with light fare is perfectly fine.

I personally would not want that dinner invite, and I think it would be rude to your guests. Its saying that you want them to come spend the afternoon with you, and you will pay for some appetizers and drinks, but then you are going to a restaurant for dinner where they are responsible to pay for their meal. Ask your mom if she would ask people to cover the cost of their plate if you served dinner at the reception.

Beachy730 · November 2010

I think it would be rude to ask your guests to travel to one reception site for appetizers and then another one for dinner. Can you get out of your contract at your reception site? Or just change the time so it starts later and you serve dinner?

As for the OOT guests, make it clear on the reception card that a meal will not be served. You could write hors d'ouvres reception to follow at 2pm.

palmettogirl924 · November 2010

Why not just serve heavy h'orderves (sp??). I would NOT have two weddings. However, since your parents are paying if they want to provide dinner then they are allowed to. But, I do suggest finding a different reception venue for this or moving back the start time. If the reception is over at 5 there is no need to serve dinner.

Loopyseven · November 2010

I just meant that if you have a 2nd reception that includes dinner, that turns your first one (from 2-5'ish after the 1:00 ceremony) into essentially a 3 hour cocktail hour.

squirrly · November 2010

Those OOT guests are likely going to want to leave before dinner to get home since it's a Sunday wedding. Instead, why not look for a cheap way to include the OOT guests at the RD? Lasagna, salad, and garlic bread is very inexpensive.

Beachy730 · November 2010

http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-club-boards_october-2011-weddings_dinner-question-x-post

OP- we didn't have a hard time answering your question at all. We said it would be rude to ask your guests to drive somewhere else for a meal, especially if they were then paying for it. We actually gave several good ideas:
-Mention it on the invites
-Serve more appetizers
-Change venues
-Feed them at the RD

At the comment about it being a 3 hour cocktail party is because if you had them stay at your reception venue until 5, that would be 3 hours of cocktails and appetizers, which equals a 3 hour cocktail hour.

sister2groom · November 2010

I like the idea of a more substantial RD that includes OOT guests. I don't understand how you could afford a second reception with dinner, but couldn't afford to just have a full meal at your first reception. But anyhow, I think adding some heavier apps would make a nice compromise, if you can swing it.\

Also, IF you wanted to do something with your guests after the wedding, it can only be VERY informal. Like word of mouth "We'll be eating dinner at XYZ restaurant, feel free to join us."

Beachy730 · November 2010

I just think its rude to say to your guests "We know we didn't serve enough food and everyone is still hungry. We're going to eat dinner here and you're welcome to come, but you're paying for it." I know that's not how it would be said, but I still just think its rude. Its one thing to go out for drinks after the wedding with people, but to go for a full meal because you didn't serve one I think is really rude.

shortee426 · November 2010

I think as long as you do heavy appetizers you should be fine. Do you have a wedding website? If so, put up a page with things to do in the area and include restaurants. That way your OOT guests can figure out where to grab a bite if they are still hungry.

I agree with PPs that it might be nice to host your OOT guests at your RD. It doesn't need to be anything expensive. Fill up a room at your local pizzeria. Or host a BBQ at your house.

erollis · November 2010

Squirrly- I had been tossing the rehearsal dinner idea around in my head for a bit. Fiance and I are paying for the rehearsal dinner and we budgeted it for a larger group of people then our wedding party. It would be a casual BBQ dinner from one of our favorite places. If we do invite OOT guests to the rehearsal dinner then we would send out invitations to them.

I had not mentioned anything to anyone other then fiance yet because we have not come to a decision on this yet.

kellyjellybelly · November 2010

beachy future-mrs is going to ban you for being mean on her board. fo sho.

Beachy730 · November 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_dinner-question-x-post?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:e1f08e9b-217a-4605-8170-b11cbb37e16bPost:85dfa1ef-2e0f-44f5-978e-0e62f4d0fcab">Re: Dinner Question (X post)</a>:
[QUOTE]beachy future-mrs is going to ban you for being mean on her board. fo sho.
Posted by kellyjellybelly[/QUOTE]

Haha probably. Hopefully squirrly can overturn the bannination.

erollis · November 2010

Shortee- Yes, I do have a wedding website specifically for guests with lots of information on it for guests already. I have a page dedicated to things to do in the area. This includes multiple places to eat. I am going to make welcome bags that include city maps. That way hopefully no one gets lost. I am crossing my fingers on this one. Plus I collect maps from the places I travel. I find them incredibly handy references.

Dn- You went to my club board why? Fiance just came home and we discussed the dinner/ reception thing. We are keeping it a cake and punch reception and may add some more if my parents want to. We will let them hash that one out since they are paying for it. We also do not see anything wrong with word of mouth if a group of people want to get together for dinner. They could join us or my family or someone else at whatever restaurant they choose. We have to eat after the reception too.

EDIT: I don't think my mother and Aunt understand the budget and feel that what was agreed on is not substantial enough for our guests. That is why I am asking these questions. I don't want to be rude so I seek advice from not only my club board but you ladies as well.

squirrly · November 2010

erollis, I just read the post on the other board, and let me assure you that no one is having difficulty answering your question. You're having difficulty accepting the answers, it seems.

Certainly, if you're going to dinner after your reception and someone asks where, you can tell them. That doesn't oblige you to pay for their meal if they join you. However, I can't think of a way to handle this that would work out well. Normally, people who have a full reception but want to continue to party at an after party OR people who are eating brunch the day after but aren't able to host a brunch for everyone employ this method, but I've not heard of anyone trying to get their whole reception crowd to follow them for dinner. It's just too much.

I really think the RD is your best bet if you can't change the time of your reception. If you can, start the ceremony at 11:30 and then have a lunch reception. That's a full meal, and still less than dinner.

erollis · November 2010

Squirrly- It seemed like people were having problems answering since I asked what seemed to me very specific questions. All I got at first was "what time" and "it is rude". The don't do it was the reassurance I needed to tell my family we can't do it. Formal invitations are a no go. I just wanted to make sure. I also wanted to see if there was alternatives or if that was impossible. i got no alternatives when Future Mrs. responded to me.

Future Mrs. gave an alternative before anyone else did. I think her response is also an acceptable answer to the question. Yes, you can invite people word of mouth and if they come they come. No pressure either way.

erollis · November 2010

I did get my validation after quite some time went by. It seemed to me like my questions were not getting answered fully.That is why I posted That the ladies are E are confused. You must look at the time when things are posted also. I did not go running to my month board after I posted on E. I posted on E then went straight away to Oct.2011 to post. I then went back to E to see if anyone had responded.

1) It is rude like I thought to do formal invitations
2) Word of mouth is not bad
3) Inviting OOT guests to the rehearsal dinner is a possibility if we so choose

This is an Xpost

EDIT: When were the E ladies rude? Did I say they were? Please point it out for me.

redheadfsu · November 2010

OP, you can't formally invite people to a non-hosted reception. That is very rude. If you formally invite people, then you do need to/must pay for them. Plus your current reception will feel like a long cocktail hour, which is strange. (like pps said)

You can do a very informal after the reception ends comment like, "we are heading to X, feel free to join." But do not issue formal invites or invite people before the end of the reception.

But, don't let people who have no idea the cost of a wedding make you feel bad. Just explain to your Aunts that you have a very limited budget, and unfortunately that is all you can afford.

erollis · November 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_dinner-question-x-post?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:e1f08e9b-217a-4605-8170-b11cbb37e16bPost:d58a87f2-6742-47fe-865b-2d35a1a50d99">Re: Dinner Question (X post)</a>:
[QUOTE]OP, you can't formally invite people to a non-hosted reception. That is very rude. If you formally invite people, then do you need to/must pay for them. Plus your current reception will feel like a long cocktail hour, which is strange. (like pps said) You can do a very informal after the reception ends comment like, "we are heading to X, feel free to join." But do not issue formal invites or invite people before the end of the reception. But, don't let people who have no idea the cost of a wedding make you feel bad. Just explain to your Aunts that you have a very limited budget, and unfortunately that is all you can afford.
Posted by redheadfsu[/QUOTE]

This is the perfect example of what I was looking for in a response. Perfect response. Thank you so much! <img src="http://cdn.cl9.vanillaforums.com/downloaded/ver1.0/content/scripts/tinymce/plugins/emotions/images/smiley-laughing.gif" border="0" alt="Laughing" title="Laughing" />

Beachy730 · November 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_dinner-question-x-post?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:e1f08e9b-217a-4605-8170-b11cbb37e16bPost:7432d2b0-6f77-47f5-9a58-12ff74806670">Re: Dinner Question (X post)</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Dinner Question (X post) : This is the perfect example of what I was looking for in a response. Perfect response. Thank you so much!
Posted by erollis[/QUOTE]

Well next time please tell us how you want our answers formatted and given to you. Seriously though, these are the kind of reactions I expect from a newb, not someone who's been around this long.

I asked what time the wedding was because that makes all the difference on whether serving dinner is necessary. If you said it was at 6 then my answer would have been different. And I said that it would be rude to invite people to a second location after because I think it would be. Word of mouth is not the type of invite I expect people to want for a wedding.

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