Should I walk?

Neen121 · July 2010

I'm 27 and my boyfriend of three years is 36. While every relationship is different and there's no set time limit, I thought that we'd be engaged by now or at least talking seriously about it, especially considering his age. When I bring up the subject he either acts annoyed, saying "Of course I want to marry you, you know that!" or defensive, stating that nobody's going to tell him what he should do and that he's not ready. Only he can decide if he's ready or not, but I feel like after three years I deserve an honest talk about a possible timeline.

He'll casually say things about "when we get married" and recently mentioned wanting to start a family in the next year or two, but I can't help but think he's only placating me. I will be 28 soon and would like to have a more solid idea of where life is headed, I don't think that's unreasonable. He's made it clear he doesn't want to talk about it.

My mom recently said to me that a man who's not ready at 36 will never be ready and that I should walk. What would you do?

Acrosthec · July 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_should-walk?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:136Discussion:8fa249b2-cfac-4b6f-94c4-a9abe83fd9ddPost:e6e808c8-866b-4dc5-8345-3c4b3fe997c6">Should I walk?</a>:
[QUOTE]I'm 27 and my boyfriend of three years is 36. While every relationship is different and there's no set time limit, I thought that we'd be engaged by now or at least talking seriously about it, especially considering his age. When I bring up the subject he either acts annoyed, saying "Of course I want to marry you, you know that!" or defensive, stating that nobody's going to tell him what he should do and that he's not ready. Only he can decide if he's ready or not, but I feel like after three years I deserve an honest talk about a possible timeline. He'll casually say things about "when we get married" and recently mentioned wanting to start a family in the next year or two, but I can't help but think he's only placating me. I will be 28 soon and would like to have a more solid idea of where life is headed, I don't think that's unreasonable. He's made it clear he doesn't want to talk about it. My mom recently said to me that a man who's not ready at 36 will never be ready and that I should walk. What would you do?
Posted by Neen121[/QUOTE]

While I agree that it is perfectly reasonable to want to have an honest talk, and think you definitely SHOULD have one, I do NOT agree with your mother. I have a cousin who turned 40 this year and is getting married in October and couldn't be happier about it. It took him this long to be ready. That time frame is different for every person, and generalizations rarely are true.

If you really want to be with him, I would try to sit him down and talk to him. Not necessarily about getting married, but just about (hopefully) common life goals. Where does he see himself in 1, 3, 5 years? Where do you? If it's with a family, and you want to be married before you start a family, you need to let him know that as calmly and rationally as possible. The second you get emotional over it is when he will shut down and get defensive, or at least that's how my FI was. You have to keep your cool.

If he seems on board with the idea of marriage, I would make it a point to let the subject drop. If you need to, have a deadline you'd like to be moving forward by in your head, but don't ever tell him because it comes off as an ultimatum and he may react poorly towards that. If your silent deadline comes and goes with no engagement, re-evaluate. In the end, there are three options: 1) you get engaged/married, 2) you date forever but never marry, or 3) you leave. Only you can decide when it is the right time to choose between those options.

Good luck!

FWIW, I was 28 when we got engaged and will be almost 29 when we get married, so I can understand being frustrated because you feel you're getting older, etc etc. But what I've come to find is that 28/29 really isn't that old, we just think it is. <img src="http://cdn.cl9.vanillaforums.com/downloaded/ver1.0/content/scripts/tinymce/plugins/emotions/images/smiley-wink.gif" border="0" alt="Wink" title="Wink" />

GreenPepperBurger · July 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_should-walk?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:8fa249b2-cfac-4b6f-94c4-a9abe83fd9ddPost:e6e808c8-866b-4dc5-8345-3c4b3fe997c6">Should I walk?</a>:
[QUOTE]I'm 27 and my boyfriend of three years is 36. While every relationship is different and there's no set time limit, I thought that we'd be engaged by now or at least talking seriously about it, especially considering his age. When I bring up the subject he either acts annoyed, saying "Of course I want to marry you, you know that!" or defensive, stating that nobody's going to tell him what he should do and that he's not ready. Only he can decide if he's ready or not, but I feel like after three years I deserve an honest talk about a possible timeline. He'll casually say things about "when we get married" and recently mentioned wanting to start a family in the next year or two, but I can't help but think he's only placating me. I will be 28 soon and would like to have a more solid idea of where life is headed, I don't think that's unreasonable. <strong>He's made it clear he doesn't want to talk about it. </strong>My mom recently said to me that a man who's not ready at 36 will never be ready and that I should walk. What would you do?
Posted by Neen121[/QUOTE]

Why not? What's he afraid of? You guys need to have an honest talk about where each of you see your relationship going. Where does he want to be in five, ten years versus where you want to be? I don't suggest walking yet, but after your talk if it's clear that your timelines don't coincide, then maybe you should consider walking.

GL.

noelle24 · July 2010

TK ate my first post. *grumble grumble*

His age doesn't concern me. Not everyone is ready for marriage by a certain age. However, what *does* concern me is the fact that he's not even willing to talk to you about a timeline. Whether he's 26 or 66, your partner in a relationship should be willing to talk to you about important issues.

Try again to talk to him about where he sees your relationship going in the next 1, 5, 10 years. Don't give him an ultimatum or push for marriage. You just want to get on the same page and make sure you have the same goals for your relationship.

If he still refuses to even have the conversation, I'd have to seriously reconsider whether I want to stay in a relationship with someone who is so immature when it comes to communication.

dwest2201 · July 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_should-walk?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:8fa249b2-cfac-4b6f-94c4-a9abe83fd9ddPost:df2fe31a-efe3-4472-ad96-fcfc9117f36c">Re: Should I walk?</a>:
[QUOTE]Honestly, my concerns have nothing to do with his age. Rather,<strong> the fact that he won't even TALK to you about it in an adult manner is a huge red flag. Whether he's 23 or 56, your partner in a relationship should be willing to talk to you about important issues. I'd try one more time to get him to talk to you about it. Make sure he knows you're serious, and that you really need to know where he sees your relationship in 1, 5, 10 years</strong>. Don't give him an ultimatum (never healthy), but if he still refuses to even talk to you about it, then yes, I'd walk.
Posted by noelle24[/QUOTE]

This, this, thiiiiiis!

You guys need to sit and talk for sure. If you are certain that marriage and children are non-negotiables for you and he is unwilling to talk about the future then perhaps you should consider walking at that point, but until he knows that you are serious about wanting to do these things (with him) in the foreseeable future you can't really make an educated decision on whether he does or doesn't want to do them in the same timeline as you. Clearly he isn't ready now, but talks of when he might be may ease both of your minds. As PP stated 28/29 isn't that old... plenty young enough to make babies, try not to stress!

catemeg · July 2010

I agree that the fact he's not ready for marriage is not age-related necessarily and is not cause to walk. However, the fact that he refuses to have an adult conversation about where you both see your relationship going is certainly a red flag. I understand he doesn't want to feel pressured or even the macho line that it's his job to ask and you should just wait patiently (which is total bull, but whatevs). But really, if he respects you and your wants, needs, and goals, then he needs to be willing to sit down and have a conversation. Let him know you're going to talk about it once, and then not mention it again so he doesn't feel like you're nagging. Get him to start the conversation - ask him where he sees your relationship in 2 years, 5 years, 10 years, etc. Ask him at what point he sees himself ready to get married - if it's a goal (when I get promoted, save $X amount of money, etc) or an age or if he even knows. Let him talk, and listen to him. Hopefully he'll do the same.

I think what the truth is that if at 36 he hasn't grown up enough to have adult relationship discussions, then he never will. Marriage completely removed from the situation, that's an issue.

Neen121 · July 2010

Thanks, ladies. I guess it just comes down to me being ready to make the commitment and feeling a little hurt that he's not. And the fact that he doesn't want the subject broached is infuriating. If it helps, his father married at 39 and it sometimes seems like my boyfriend thinks he should do everything the way his dad did.

I've been thinking about letting the subject go for the summer and seeing where we stand after that.

catemeg · July 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_should-walk?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:8fa249b2-cfac-4b6f-94c4-a9abe83fd9ddPost:b962faac-8e60-4863-b398-5211ea7acc28">Re: Should I walk?</a>:
[QUOTE] I've been thinking about letting the subject go for the summer and seeing where we stand after that.
Posted by Neen121[/QUOTE]

That's probably the best thing to do - that way when you bring it up again, hopefully he won't feel as defensive. If his Dad married at 39, that could have an awful lot to do with how he views things. At least you have an idea of why he's acting the way he is about marriage!

**Mutley** · July 2010

I very much agree with Noelle. She is wise.

I wouldn't walk because he won't marry me or because of any sort of timeline. I would walk because of the lack of communication. This is just one talk of a bizillion about your future together. They don't end after you are married. If he is shutting down and refusing to communicate, then I wouldn't want to be in a relationship with someone like that. People do not change. They get old and get slow, but they don't change.

oceana919 · July 2010

[QUOTE]They get old and get slow, but they don't change. [/QUOTE]

I don't know why, but reading that statement made me think of my FI hobbling around the house with a walker bitching about the Broncos game. ::snort::

**Mutley** · July 2010

It is one of DH's favorite sayings. He has to hear about all of my friends' crazy relationships. He just shakes his head and repeats the saying. LOL.

Don't you love looking into the future like that.

Hazel_B · July 2010

The other saying I've heard is that you don't get better with age you just get more so. I have found this to be very true...my great aunts that were cranky when I was younger are just extremely cranky now.

desertsun · July 2010

I think you should maybe take some time off from thinking about this. Focus on your BF, and what you enjoy about him and your relationship. Appreciate him for who he is. Give yourself a couple months to just BE in your relationship.

Sometimes you just need to put something on the back burner and give yourself time to calm down and be able to think about things logically instead of emotionally.

I also feel like your BF will relax a bit and remember why HE loves YOU and why he's with you, and that might make him more open to talking about the future. I think people in relationships pick up on each other's tension and unspoken resentment, so getting away from that could help you both.

I think after a couple months, you'll either realize that your BF just isn't on the same page as you, in terms of communication, maturity, or timelines. Then you seriously need to think about what you want to do. But you might also realize that you love him, and he loves you, and you can work the rest out.

good luck and keep us updated!

Neen121 · July 2010

All of the advice has been great. Thank you! I will keep you posted.

leia1979 · July 2010

Great advice has already been given, but I wanted to add that my previous BF was also in his mid to late 30s when we dated. He wasn't yet ready to settle down, and he's now 40 and still hasn't. Age doesn't equal readiness.

As others have said, communication is the bigger issue. It's just fine that he's not ready, but he should be willing to discuss the future.

joiner521 · July 2010

Your mom is right. He is concerned about himself.

Should I walk?

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