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How to handle moms and maids

MerandJasMerandJas
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in Moms and Maids
I am about a month and a half out from my wedding and my mother in law has been wonderful through the whole process, but now all of the sudden I kinda feel like she wants to take over!  For example, my bridal shower is coming up the 21st, all along it has been being planned by her and my friend.  Today I found out that a while back my mother in law cut my friend out of the process, and has been working on it with her sisters!  I wanted my friend to be in on it and it meant a lot to me that she had volunteered to help out with the planning, even though she is not in my bridal partry. 
My bridesmaids are a completely opposite problem, they are never able to make themselves available to help out with anything!  Granted, they are in school and one is in the military, but I can never even get ahold of them to make arrangements to help out with anything, and therefore I am stuck doing it all myself. 
What can I do?!?!?!
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Re: How to handle moms and maids

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    AutumnFairAutumnFair member
    First Anniversary First Comment
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_handle-moms-maids?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:525b5d42-3206-40be-bc98-e0dbab4cd110Post:dc8b89f2-4fb1-4dbc-8bea-bdd0a8ae515d">How to handle moms and maids</a>:
    [QUOTE]I am about a month and a half out from my wedding and my mother in law has been wonderful through the whole process, but now all of the sudden I kinda feel like she wants to take over!  For example, my bridal shower is coming up the 21st, all along it has been being planned by her and my friend.  Today I found out that a while back my mother in law cut my friend out of the process, and has been working on it with her sisters!  I wanted my friend to be in on it and it meant a lot to me that she had volunteered to help out with the planning, even though she is not in my bridal partry.  My bridesmaids are a completely opposite problem, they are never able to make themselves available to help out with anything!  <strong>Granted, they are in school and one is in the military,</strong> but I can never even get ahold of them to make arrangements to help out with anything, and therefore I am stuck doing it all myself.  What can I do?!?!?!
    Posted by MerandJas[/QUOTE]<div>
    </div><div>Leave both situations alone. If your friend wants more involvement then SHE needs to contact your FMIL and tell her so. This situation really doesn't need your involvement so unless you want to cause some possible drama I would leave it alone and let your friend stand up for herself if she <em>really</em> wants to be involved.</div><div>
    </div><div>As for your BMs, you've already said they have busy things going on in their lives right now. If you are taking on too many DIY projects then pull back from them, your BMs are not your workers, they are your friends that you honor them with the title BM. Military and school are stressful and time consuming jobs, so you trying to get them to help you to work on your wedding is wrong. The best thing you can do is have an open invite saying "hey girls, I'm going to do some invites on X date and time. If your want to help that would be awesome, I will supply food (ex. pizza)". </div><div>
    </div><div>Remember this is your wedding, not your BMs. If they are too busy to assist you because of work or school, then you either need to stretch out your projects, hire someone to do it, get your FI to help (since this is his wedding too), or cut back some projects. Bridesmaid is just a title that you honor your closest relationships with, I'm sure if they had more free time they would help but don't press the issue if  some or all can't help because of work or school. 

    </div>
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    zitiqueenzitiqueen member
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    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_handle-moms-maids?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:525b5d42-3206-40be-bc98-e0dbab4cd110Post:dc8b89f2-4fb1-4dbc-8bea-bdd0a8ae515d">How to handle moms and maids</a>:
    [QUOTE]I am about a month and a half out from my wedding and my mother in law has been wonderful through the whole process, but now all of the sudden I kinda feel like she wants to take over!  For example, my bridal shower is coming up the 21st, all along it has been being planned by her and my friend.  Today I found out that a while back my mother in law cut my friend out of the process, and has been working on it with her sisters!  I wanted my friend to be in on it and it meant a lot to me that she had volunteered to help out with the planning, even though she is not in my bridal partry. <strong> My bridesmaids are a completely opposite problem, they are never able to make themselves available to help out with anything!  Granted, they are in school and one is in the military, but I can never even get ahold of them to make arrangements to help out with anything, and therefore I am stuck doing it all myself.</strong>  What can I do?!?!?!
    Posted by MerandJas[/QUOTE]

    BMs are supposed to be your nearest and dearest, not your unpaid b!tches. If you need help, ask your FI.
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    jemmini6jemmini6 member
    5 Love Its Name Dropper First Comment First Anniversary
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_handle-moms-maids?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:525b5d42-3206-40be-bc98-e0dbab4cd110Post:f01712fb-4f7d-4775-a4e4-2afc7f640d76">Re: How to handle moms and maids</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to How to handle moms and maids : Leave both situations alone. If your friend wants more involvement then SHE needs to contact your FMIL and tell her so. This situation really doesn't need your involvement so unless you want to cause some possible drama I would leave it alone and let your friend stand up for herself if she really wants to be involved. As for your BMs, you've already said they have busy things going on in their lives right now. If you are taking on too many DIY projects then pull back from them, your BMs are not your workers, they are your friends that you honor them with the title BM. Military and school are stressful and time consuming jobs, so you trying to get them to help you to work on your wedding is wrong. The best thing you can do is have an open invite saying "hey girls, I'm going to do some invites on X date and time. If your want to help that would be awesome, I will supply food (ex. pizza)".  Remember this is your wedding, not your BMs. If they are too busy to assist you because of work or school, then you either need to stretch out your projects, hire someone to do it, get your FI to help (since this is his wedding too), or cut back some projects. Bridesmaid is just a title that you honor your closest relationships with, I'm sure if they had more free time they would help but don't press the issue if  some or all can't help because of work or school. 
    Posted by AutumnFair[/QUOTE]

    This.
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    mandi921vhmandi921vh member
    First Anniversary Combo Breaker First Comment
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_handle-moms-maids?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:525b5d42-3206-40be-bc98-e0dbab4cd110Post:def18656-3be7-4534-8086-99dc1a9e6738">Re: How to handle moms and maids</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to How to handle moms and maids : BMs are supposed to be your nearest and dearest, not your unpaid b!tches. If you need help, ask your FI.
    Posted by zitiqueen[/QUOTE]

    <div>This.</div>
    imageDaisypath Anniversary tickers
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    MerandJasMerandJas
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    edited December 2011
    Ok, I didn't realize that everybody was going to be so unsupportive.  Thanks anyway, I read the "bridesmaid duties" page on here and thought that they were supposed to help with stuff.  Sorry I asked, and I won't be posting for advice again, I really thought that the people on here where here to help rather than insult.
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    zitiqueenzitiqueen member
    First Answer First Anniversary 5 Love Its First Comment
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_handle-moms-maids?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:525b5d42-3206-40be-bc98-e0dbab4cd110Post:82cf8dec-e004-4e73-8cc4-5cb8acf80e77">Re: How to handle moms and maids</a>:
    [QUOTE]Ok, I didn't realize that everybody was going to be so unsupportive.  Thanks anyway, I read the "bridesmaid duties" page on here and thought that they were supposed to help with stuff.  Sorry I asked, and I won't be posting for advice again, I really thought that the people on here where here to help rather than insult.
    Posted by MerandJas[/QUOTE]

    Nobody insulted you. It may not be the help you wanted, but it's the help you need the most, and we <u>are</u> helping you. We're helping you to realize that planning your wedding isn't your BM's responsibility. Put down the bridal magazines and ignore any list of "BM duties," even the one here on The Knot. They only thing the Wedding Industry is concerend with is separating you and your BMs from your money. Nobody is going to care about your wedding as much as you do.

    Your BMs aren't required to do anything other than show up for the wedding clean and sober, stand next to you while you get married, and smile pretty for the pictures. That's all. They aren't required to throw parties for you, they aren't required to go dress shopping with you, they aren't required to help you put your favors together. If you need help, you ask your FI. It's his wedding too. Now if your BMs offer to help you, great. But they aren't required to. This is not their wedding.

    Learn the difference between support and advice. <strong>Support</strong> is what you <em>want</em> to hear. <strong>Advice</strong> is what you <em>need</em> to hear. Advice is what you got. If you want support and blind validation for crappy ideas, that's what your friends and family are for.

    We're internet strangers with no emotional connection to you. We're the ones who are going to tell you that you're being a Bridezilla jackass. Your friends and family won't. They'll pat you on the head and tell you your ideas are brilliant and then talk smack about you behind your back.
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    AutumnFairAutumnFair member
    First Anniversary First Comment
    edited December 2011
    Ditto to zitiqueen. My advice is meant for you to solve your situation without drama or becoming a jerk to your friends and FMIL. Theknot, wedding magazines are there for making money, we as unbias posters are giving advice that will help you stay on good terms with your family and friends LONG after your one wedding day is over. It is your choice to listen and act on it or not, but complaining with the "unsupportive" card is not going to change my advice. I'm not here to agree with bad actions towards friends and families, I'm here to open a new view point for a Bride.

     You asked a question, I responded in an honest "if I were in your shoes" answer. I also have a cousin that is in the military, along with just having a child, I would not dream of her taking more time out of her busy life to try to entertain me or work for my wedding. I also have another cousin who is going on her senior year in college, she is a full time student PLUS she is a workalohic trying to keep her debt down. Once again, I don't expect her to be there helping me plan or make anything for my wedding. I'm sure they both appreciate that I care about THEM and their lives, not enforcing my wedding onto them. They have been their me most my life and that is why they are being honored with the title of BM.

    Hopefully you learn to be a bit more open and understanding to what we are trying to say and to your friends. 
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    jemmini6jemmini6 member
    5 Love Its Name Dropper First Comment First Anniversary
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_handle-moms-maids?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:525b5d42-3206-40be-bc98-e0dbab4cd110Post:82cf8dec-e004-4e73-8cc4-5cb8acf80e77">Re: How to handle moms and maids</a>:
    [QUOTE]Ok, I didn't realize that everybody was going to be so unsupportive.  Thanks anyway, I read the "bridesmaid duties" page on here and thought that they were supposed to help with stuff.  Sorry I asked, and I won't be posting for advice again,<strong> I really thought that the people on here where here to help rather than insult.</strong>
    Posted by MerandJas[/QUOTE]

    Please give specific examples to where someone insulted you, because I don't see any.  Honesty /=/ insult.
    Anniversary
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    MerandJasMerandJas
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    I'm sorry that I kinda went off, I had a very bad day yesterday.  Wedding planning is beyond stressful, as you all know and my car broke down on top of it, so I kinda went off the deep end.  What I was insulted by was the person that said my BM's are not supposed to be my unpaid bitches, I am not asking them to be my bitches, I have not asked anything of them what-so-ever and it upset me when I asked them to get together and help me get the favors put together and one can't make it (for reasons that are not related to the military or school, she has fun plans) one didnt even bother to respond, and the third (my sister, the maid of honor) said that she feels like she is being used.  I have obviously never planned a wedding before, I was under the impression that my girls are supposed to help me out when I need it, I apologize that I was under the wrongimpression.  All is know is what I read on here and in bridal magazines, I don't know how I am supposed to know that all that information that is meant to help brides out is incorrect.  I am NOT IN ANY WAY asking my bridesmaids to plan my wedding for me, I have asked nothing of them until now.  I even paid for my sisters dress cuz she didn't have the money. 
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    MerandJasMerandJas
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    One question too- does asking your bm's to help with one thing really make you a bridezilla?  I don't feel like asking for one favor should be enough to make you be considered such a bad person.
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    em01092em01092 member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_handle-moms-maids?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:525b5d42-3206-40be-bc98-e0dbab4cd110Post:5b41d826-aa16-43c4-84bd-a482e7bd703c">Re: How to handle moms and maids</a>:
    [QUOTE]One question too- does asking your bm's to help with one thing really make you a bridezilla?  I don't feel like asking for one favor should be enough to make you be considered such a bad person.
    Posted by MerandJas[/QUOTE]

    <div>No, asking your friends (BMs) for help is just fine. I ask my friends for a hand with non-wedding related stuff all the time, as they do to me as well. Friends are supposed to lend a hand when they can. </div><div>
    </div><div>Demanding their help is different. That makes you a bridezilla. If you ask them to do something and they cannot attend, you may be a little hurt but you can't really say anything. Well you could but it would seem selfish and uncaring of you. Remember that your friends have lives too. </div><div>
    </div><div>
    </div><div>Good luck. </div>
    April Siggy Challenge-Wedding Escape: Reading HG/dreaming about Peeta.... Image and video hosting by TinyPic Wedding Countdown Ticker Bio-Updated 4/22**
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    MerandJasMerandJas
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    Ihave not demanded anything, and I didn't say anything when they couldnt make it to help, so that makes me feel a little bit better.  Reading everybody's responces yesterday got me thinking that I was doing something wrong, I know they are not required to do anything.  When I was a bridesmaid in a friends wedding a couple years back she basically made me move in with her the last month and help with everything, so I thought that was what was supposed to happen.  Everybody's statements have made me understand that it is not normal to expect so much and I am more understanding that I cannot be upset that they cannot help out.  I am glad to know that asking for help is not unrealistic though. 

    Thanks everybody!
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    AutumnFairAutumnFair member
    First Anniversary First Comment
    edited December 2011
    Ditto to em. You can definitely ask a friend or family to help, but if they say no or don't respond (the not responding would be kind of irritating) you shouldn't press the issue and just move on. As a BM you are not required to do the random things the knot and other wedding magazines tell you (your definitely not the only person who has come here with the wedding industry brainwashing). But as a friend or family, you would hope that they would help with something that you ask just because you have a close relationship. 

    To me, Bridezilla territory would be guilt tripping friends and family into HAVING to come and help you with wedding stuff and not being understanding that they have their own things going on in their lives that be it work, school, or even fun. Setting expectations for someone else is always a dangerous thing, specially for Brides. Feelings can get hurt if someone who you think would want to do something doesn't do it (for whatever reason). 

    So welcome to the enlighten part of weddings, stick around and lurk at many other topics, you will learn a lot from the boards (I know I have).
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    [Deleted User][Deleted User] member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    What about asking your non BM friend to help you with the favors?  If she wanted to help with the shower but was "kicked out" of the planning, maybe she would like to help you with something else.
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