Would you go to this wedding?

sarah0725 · June 2010

Gee, I must be in my mid-20s or something, because all of a sudden, the wedding invitations are pouring in for me.

So here's my situation: my brother's best friend suddenly announced about two months ago that he is engaged, and getting married this August 21 in California. I really, really, really want to go to his wedding. My brother is going to be the officiant, and his best friend is really like a second brother to me, but since they live in CA, I almost never get to see them (last time was in November). If I were having an uncomplicated summer and had plenty of money, I would absolutely be there.

Here's the problem: I'm going to Italy for six weeks, and I will be getting back to Newark, NJ on August 19 (so I'll pretty much be getting right back on a plane the next day). Also, most of the money I have is tied up in my Italy trip, so I am pretty skint right now. In addition, I have another wedding to attend on September 4 for a good friend on Long Island, so I have another set of travel plans and gifts to think about. Plus, FI and I are going to be moving to our new apartment at that time.

If I go to the wedding in CA, I won't be able to afford to give really great gifts at either of the weddings. If I don't go, I could split the money I would have spent on a plane ticket, and give both couples nice gifts. Plus, I don't know if the whole "cover your plate" thing is going to be an issue for the Long Island wedding, although I don't think so, knowing my friend.

If you were getting married in these weddings, would you rather have my presence, or my presents?

taraz579 · June 2010

your physical presence would be my pick. Especially since you seem very close to both parties getting married. It's great that you're being so considerate (mentioning getting both GREAT gifts, by removing yourself from the wedding ceremony itself) but I'd prefer somebody to be there & share in the excitement. However, I also wouldn't want somebody to strap themselves short, financially, just to make it.

I'm sure whatever decision you make will be the right one for you.

sucrets4 · June 2010

Presence.

The whole CYP thing is pretty standard, but not a requirement or anything. A friend of mine came and didn't give us anything. I was glad to see her, though, especially since we live so far away.

gottahavashorti · June 2010

Presence. Seeing friends and family who lived far away or had insanely busy schedules but made time for us anyway meant so much more to me than a present of any amount, small or large.

goheels05 · June 2010

Ditto the others. If you can swing it, go. They'll understand about the gift.

sarah0725 · June 2010

I guess I could always claim the "up to a year to send a gift" thing. I'll actually be in better shape a bit later in September.

tidetravel · June 2010

Presence. You can always send presents later.

ohwhynot · June 2010

Definitely your presence is the most important, BUT you will probably be exhausted by international travel. You may want to send regrets to the August wedding but get together with the bride & groom as soon as you can to review wedding video/pictures, etc. I think you may put serious stress on your body by trying to do too much - travel takes a toll on a person, esp. international travel.

sarahmk5 · June 2010

Go to the weddings! If it would make you feel better, you could explain to the respective couples that you'll be sending their wedding gift later. One of my friends already did this, and I completely understand.

sarah0725 · June 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_would-this-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:17Discussion:d3e7f54d-ba27-4e0e-874f-1659e66d097fPost:f49481a7-24fb-4e32-be45-18bb6db6e06b">Re: Would you go to this wedding?</a>:
[QUOTE]Definitely your presence is the most important, BUT you will probably be exhausted by international travel. You may want to send regrets to the August wedding but get together with the bride & groom as soon as you can to review wedding video/pictures, etc. I think you may put serious stress on your body by trying to do too much - travel takes a toll on a person, esp. international travel.
Posted by ohwhynot[/QUOTE]

Haha I know, but I've definitely done crap like this before. When my brother got married in CA in 2007, FI was also moving to Milwaukee, and we ended up driving from NJ to Milwaukee on Saturday, Milwaukee to DE on Sunday, arriving in DE at 3am, leaving at 4am for our flight to CA, spending four days in CA, then flying back to PA, then driving to NJ, and then driving to Milwaukee again. So I'm definitely known for doing crazy shite for people I love. Plus, getting to hang out with my brother for a few days after getting back from Italy sounds like about the best thing ever. :)

abbiewebster · June 2010

yeh i would definately prefer for you to come rather than a gift if it were my wedding...and like the other girls said you can always send a gift later......i dont understnad the whole cover your plate thing, how do you know before hand if the couple paid $60 pp or $10 lol....just something ive been wondering for a while. good luck and im so jealous you are spendin your summer in italy its amazing there

Midgie373 · June 2010

Unless someone were crass enough to ask the bride how much she was spending per person at her wedding there is no way of knowing what will "cover your plate" I'm pretty sure that "rule" was made up by some department store that makes a killing off bridal registries. The gift giving rule is that you give what you can afford.

And technically, you do have up to a year to send a gift, though that rule may have been invented to help hapless guests try to determine how much was spent on their plate.

I think that your presence would be much more important at the wedding, and you can send a gift later.

GreenPepperBurger · June 2010

Is there someone you can stay with in CA upon coming back from Italy? Instead of going to NJ, you can go right to CA, which might save you some trouble if you really want to go.

Also, don't worry about the gifts. You can give what you can, and you can always make up for it later. These people are important to you; it would be shame to miss their weddings because of something like a gift.

sarah0725 · June 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_would-this-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:17Discussion:d3e7f54d-ba27-4e0e-874f-1659e66d097fPost:4310f248-2901-4133-96a1-56c95e612dbd">Re: Would you go to this wedding?</a>:
[QUOTE]Is there someone you can stay with in CA upon coming back from Italy? Instead of going to NJ, you can go right to CA, which might save you some trouble if you really want to go. Also, don't worry about the gifts. You can give what you can, and you can always make up for it later. These people are important to you; it would be shame to miss their weddings because of something like a gift.
Posted by GreenPepperBurger[/QUOTE]

I already have my plane ticket to come back to CA, and I have family in both NJ and CA who could probably help me out.

ohwhynot · June 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_would-this-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:17Discussion:d3e7f54d-ba27-4e0e-874f-1659e66d097fPost:83040a78-34fe-4847-a36c-0cd1a3b9d0bf">Re: Would you go to this wedding?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Would you go to this wedding? : Haha I know, but I've definitely done crap like this before. When my brother got married in CA in 2007, FI was also moving to Milwaukee, and we ended up driving from NJ to Milwaukee on Saturday, Milwaukee to DE on Sunday, arriving in DE at 3am, leaving at 4am for our flight to CA, spending four days in CA, then flying back to PA, then driving to NJ, and then driving to Milwaukee again. So I'm definitely known for doing crazy shite for people I love. Plus, getting to hang out with my brother for a few days after getting back from Italy sounds like about the best thing ever. :)
Posted by sarah0725[/QUOTE]

Oh, you crazy kids! Definitely go, then: you won't regret it and you'll have a ball. The b & g will understand your situation and will be thrilled to have you there.

Piru · June 2010

Uh yeah no question. I'd rather have someone I invited there and not get a gift at all, ever.A wedding is first and foremost a gathering of loved ones, not taking a collection of gifts.

526SadieSadie · June 2010

Agreed, your presence is best. Neither couple will care about the quality, or the cost of a gift from you, (if they did, they wouldn't exactly be good friends, right?) Additionally, neither of them will be upset if you don't go. Since they've planned their own weddings, they'll no doubt know how financially straining it is. It's wonderful that you want to be there for them, but don't put unnecessary financial stress on yourself. Also, be really careful about your health. If the jet-lag after coming home from Italy doesn't get you, the further 7-8 hour flight to California will. Drink lots of water, take vitamin C and get as much sleep as possible!!

superheroprincess · June 2010

If I were the couple I would definitely be so happy to see you at the wedding.
I would write up a nice letter to the bride and groom about how much they mean to you and if you must send a gift at a later date.

Personally I think that complaining about how much someone did or didn't spend on a wedding gift is horrible. I had a friend tell me who gave them how much for their wedding and I thought it was horrible. She told us how a mutual friend only gave $25.00 and how that's all they were getting for their wedding a year later.

nicepenguins · June 2010

Speaking as someone who lives in California who has family on the east coast, please go! It would mean so much to me if my family could be there for me, but many of them won't fly out because it's "too far." It means that the wedding will be less a part of me and my history, and less a union of the two families. So go and represent!

notquiteblushing · June 2010

As a bride I would be psyched if you could make it to my wedding, especially given the circumstances and I wouldn't expect much of a gift considering the travel. Also if you send your gift a month later it's no big deal. I think it's really up to you.

lisaD26 · June 2010

presence

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