Mother in law religion issues.....

johndeerehbilly · April 2011

My fiance and I are huge outdoors people and since neither of us are very big into religion, we both decided that we would like to have an outdoor ceremony. I personally wanted an entire outdoor wedding, but with older people in both of our families we compromised on an indoor reception and an outdoor ceremony. He and I both have been very understanding of our guests and their situations, but his Mother is about to break me. His family is catholic and I am not. We agrred to take the marriage classes and be married by a catholic priest to please his mom. Now, she is saying that a catholic priest will not marry outside the church. My fiance fired back with we would find someone else marry us. She insisted on us still taking the marriage classes so that we both would be blessed by their family church.
Please help, I don't know what to do or say and I am bound and determined to stick to my guns on having an outdoor ceremony.

[Deleted User] · April 2011

Your MIL is correct. A Roman Catholic priest (my H and I are both Catholic) will not marry a couple outside a church. I would encourage you to contact your priest and fill him in on the details again. Perhaps he got something mixed up. If he does agree to marry you outside, then your marriage may not be valid in the eyes of the church. I would just double check on a few things before proceding any further.

And just a question - if neither of you are that religious, why are simply doing this to apease your FI's Mom? Most of us Catholics take our faith very seriously and if you are not going to raise your children in the church and do the things that they suggest you do for a Catholic marriage, then why get married in the church?

Who is paying for the wedding? If you and your FI are paying, then you have the say. If you truly want a Catholic church wedding, then fine. But if you don't, then your FI needs to be honest with his Mom and tell her you guys have changed your minds.

And fyi - there is a Catholic weddings board here on TK.

[Deleted User] · April 2011

And looking at your bio, you have over a year until your wedding, so I think you have plenty of time to figure out what you and your FI really want.

cschuma2 · April 2011

If you're paying for your own wedding, politely and firmly tell her that you plan to be married outdoors. If she is giving you two money and then asking you to have a ceremony that you do not feel comfortable with, decline her money and have the wedding that you can afford without it.

Part of growing up and getting married if making decisions without FI's mom's approval if the situation calls for it.

I definitely agree that you should not have a ceremony in the church (or even be married by a Catholic priest), if you and your FI do not consider yourselves to be Catholic or even religious at all.

I am definitely familiar with your situation. We, too, had an outdoor ceremony as neither of us felt comfortable with a church setting due to our religious beliefs (or lack thereof). We caught hell from some of our families. We continued to be polite and thank our families for their input and then planned the ceremony that we wanted. In the end, all of our families were happily there and supported our marriage.

GeauxTigers17 · April 2011

You and your fiancé should do what you want, for your marriage. It bodes well for you that your fiancé is standing up to her.

If you want to take the classes for YOU, you should do it, but I wouldn't do it to appease mom (I think premarital counseling is never a bad idea, but the depth/helpfulness of the pre-cana classes varies drastically from diocese to diocese).

My parents are Methodist and my fiancé grew up Lutheran. I became an Episcopalian six years ago, and fiancé was received into the church last weekend. While it's not nearly as drastic as religious vs. secular ceremony, neither set of parents were happy, and my dad was downright hurt because he always assumed I'd be married by his pastor. Luckily, they eventually understood that we wanted to start our marriage in the manner in which we planned to continue it, so it didn't make sense to get married in a denomination we weren't practicing, but it took a while. I do understand the emotional pull, because you really want everyone to be happy, but you and your fiancé need to agree on a plan, stick to it, and then bean-dip her when she brings it up.

aerinpegadrak · April 2011

Unless your FI is also marrying his mother, her religious affiliation makes absolutely no difference in this matter. The decision of what role religion will play in your wedding and your lives is for the two of you alone.

midgetthemighty · April 2011

She is correct about a Catholic priest not marrying someone outside of the church. I'm Methodist, but my entire Mom's side of the family is Catholic, so I'm pretty familiar with it all. You should do what is important to you and your future husband and try and explain it to your future mother in law in a way that she'll respect your decision.

trix1223 · April 2011

If you are old enough to get married, you're old enough to say: "FMIL, we know that a Catholic ceremony is important to you, but it's not to us. We won't disrespect the church by having a ceremony that we don't believe in. We understand that you'll be disappointed, but we hope that you will come to a place of understanding, and ultimately support for us."

[Deleted User] · April 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_customs-traditions_mother-law-religion-issues?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:36Discussion:c681e3da-750a-401a-b7c2-1cd673bc4474Post:83a0d3a4-5d04-471b-ae4a-571c1a41fb43">Mother in law religion issues.....</a>:
[QUOTE]My fiance and I are huge outdoors people and since neither of us are very big into religion, we both decided that we would like to have an outdoor ceremony. I personally wanted an entire outdoor wedding, but with older people in both of our families we compromised on an indoor reception and an outdoor ceremony. He and I both have been very understanding of our guests and their situations, but his Mother is about to break me. His family is catholic and I am not. We agrred to take the marriage classes and be married by a catholic priest to please his mom. Now, she is saying that a catholic priest will not marry outside the church. My fiance fired back with we would find someone else marry us. She insisted on us still taking the marriage classes so that we both would be blessed by their family church. Please help, I don't know what to do or say and I am bound and determined to stick to my guns on having an outdoor ceremony.
Posted by johndeerehbilly[/QUOTE]

JIC

johndeerehbilly · April 2011

Thank you for everyone's input. The thing is my fiance is Catholic but he does not atend church because he does not want to. I am christian and my family was fine with me deciding not to be married in MY family church ( which was quite a shock to me, but on the other hand I am the rebel in my family.) My fiance, however, his ENTIRE Mother's side of the family is strictly Catholic and both of his sister's were forced into the traditional Catholic church wedding. One sister was pretty laid back about it, the other is getting married in October and she is quite the Bridezilla. The difference is they were raised in the Catholic church and they did what they had to to appease their mother and grandmother. I do not have to appease anyone, this is mine and my fiance's wedding, but he seems to be afraid of his Mother's side of the family and he is trying to not get himself in trouble with the Catholic Italian women...
I am in no way afraid of telling them what I want, but I do not want to cause issues with us and his family....
It is quite an interesting issue, but he and I have to do what is right for us..

Lobsters25 · April 2011

My fiance is Catholic, as well, and I am not. We are going to be married outside of a Catholic Church, and then have his Church bless our marriage. See if the Church would consider blessing your union - maybe that'll ease her up a bit?

lyndausvi · April 2011

DH and I are both Catholic but not practicing. Both sets of parents still attend church on a regular basis. I really thought my parents would be upset we were not getting married in the church, but they were 'okay' with it. DH's mom (twice divorced mind you) was VERY upset.

What we did was have a retired Catholic priest marry us at the beach. It's still not recognized by the church but it did make both sets of parents happy.

If you desire, maybe you can find a someone like we did who has a Catholic connections to perform the ceremony. It will not be officially recognized but it might 'appease' them.

tuckhm · April 2011

I can't tell you how many times I didn't hear the question "where are you getting married?" and I was asked "what church are you getting married in?" And when I answered that we weren't getting married in a church, I was given critical looks. But at the end of the day, a wedding ceremony is way too personal of thing to revolve around other people's wishes, including your parents.

katiebeth17 · April 2011

OP- you and I are going to start a club. Seriously.

To appease my FMIL, we're going to have a Catholic priest present, and he can bless the rings during the ceremony. I put my foot down after that.

Good luck!

lbow1984 · April 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_customs-traditions_mother-law-religion-issues?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:36Discussion:c681e3da-750a-401a-b7c2-1cd673bc4474Post:45d70d42-c1a3-4e94-9c71-f714023ebe45">Re: Mother in law religion issues.....</a>:
[QUOTE]OP- you and I are going to start a club. Seriously. To appease my FMIL, we're going to have a Catholic priest present, and he can bless the rings during the ceremony. I put my foot down after that. Good luck!
Posted by katiebeth17[/QUOTE]

LOL ditto to that. I'm not religious at all and my FI is a rarely practicing Greek Orthodox (I.E. He only goes to church about 2-3 times a year when begged by his mom). We are getting married outdoors on the beach. FMIL tried to get me to convert since the 1st year we were together. We are getting married in September and have already been together for 6 years and it still comes up sometimes. However at least now she is willing to attend the ceremony, b/c at one point it was said if I didn't convert she wouldn't be coming. Good times!

But like a PP said put your foot down now. I am b/c I know next comes the kids and if you lose now who knows what you'll compromise on once you have children.

elannis · May 2011

This is a bit late, but I was just reading through some older posts. My cousin had a situation like this and they had two officiants: one was Catholic, one was not. The Catholic priest agreed to read what he could, which ended up not being much, but it was still a part of the ceremony. I'm not very familiar with religion, so I don't know how it worked exactly, but having two officiants do different parts seemed to work for them.

Mother in law religion issues.....

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