Groomsman memorial

DanionM · July 2010

I'm super premature on asking this, but its been on my mind pretty much since it happened.

My significant other asked his best friends to be groomsmen years ago (before he's even asked me to marry him) we've been together nearly 6 years and still no engagment. I'm not sweating it because I see the signs of him getting ready to. The problem is that his best friend, Matt who was asked to be part of the bridal party passed away a few months ago from cancer. My boyfriend asked him to stand up for him before Matt's cancer had even come back and he battled for 2 years before losing the fight. His death came almost sudden for us, we were told he had 2 months but he only lived another week.

The question is how do we deal with this delicate issue when it comes time to. All of my grandparents have passed away and I would like to keep Matt's memory seperate from theirs. Matt has a sister who he was very close to and I've considered if we should ask her to stand in for him.

Does anyone have any ideas on how to deal with this unique situation? I realize it may seem super premature to a lot of people to even think about the wedding when we're not "officially engaged" so if you're one of those people who feel the need to tell me to not think about it now or if you have something rude or negative to say can you please take it elsewhere. (no offense but I've seen a lot of negative comments on here and they aren't helpful to anyone),

I can't explain why I want to have a clear idea now on how we will keep Matt as part of our day in any other way than explaining that it is fresh in my mind these past few months and I don't want him to be forgotten on our wedding day.

AllAboutTheBenjamin · July 2010

I think it's very touching that you want to include your dear friend in your (far off) wedding day.

Maybe you could include his name in the program, listed with the other groomsman - but give him a little distinction, something like:

Groomsman................................................the late Matt X, with us today in spirit

I dunno. Something like that?

twilight.rose · July 2010

I saw a wedding at which a young man who would have been a GM had passed away, and the groom had gotten cufflinks for himself and the other guys that contained a small group photo of all of them, so he was still "with" them at the wedding. It was very nice.

blackfire5th · July 2010

Don't think about this now! (haha, sorry I couldn't help it)

I've seen on the boards before where a small table is place in line where the groomsman would have stood with some memorial flowers on it. Then in the program you can say "the flowers on the stand is in memory of our dear friend Matt who lost his battle with cancer." or "the arrangement on the stand at the front of the church symbolizes the presence of Matt, Groom's friend, who is with us in spirit on this day."

I would also like to offer some caution if you choose to do this. The first time I had actually seen something like this was at a cousin's wedding last week. A floral arrangement was placed on a chair in the front row and while it was nice, it also gave a very funeral feeling to the whole thing (once the wedding got started, it was fine) but I think something more subtle is the way to go.

Perhaps in the program you can list your grandparents in the "in memory of" section and list Matt under the groomsmen along with one of the sayings above.

emilyinchile · July 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_groomsman-memorial?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:5068656a-e1a3-477d-a784-7905fe874f03Post:3a6525f7-35f1-454f-af5e-719e0aee4b7a">Groomsman memorial</a>:
[QUOTE]I'm super premature on asking this, but its been on my mind pretty much since it happened. My significant other asked his best friends to be groomsmen years ago (before he's even asked me to marry him) we've been together nearly 6 years and still no engagment. I'm not sweating it because I see the signs of him getting ready to. The problem is that his best friend, Matt who was asked to be part of the bridal party passed away a few months ago from cancer. My boyfriend asked him to stand up for him before Matt's cancer had even come back and he battled for 2 years before losing the fight. His death came almost sudden for us, we were told he had 2 months but he only lived another week. The question is how do we deal with this delicate issue when it comes time to. All of my grandparents have passed away and I would like to keep Matt's memory seperate from theirs. Matt has a sister who he was very close to and I've considered if we should ask her to stand in for him. Does anyone have any ideas on how to deal with this unique situation? <strong>I realize it may seem super premature to a lot of people to even think about the wedding when we're not "officially engaged" so if you're one of those people who feel the need to tell me to not think about it now or if you have something rude or negative to say can you please take it elsewhere. (no offense but I've seen a lot of negative comments on here and they aren't helpful to anyone)</strong>, I can't explain why I want to have a clear idea now on how we will keep Matt as part of our day in any other way than explaining that it is fresh in my mind these past few months and I don't want him to be forgotten on our wedding day.
Posted by DanionM[/QUOTE]

Wait. Not because you're not engaged yet or even because you have no idea when you're getting married yet but because this is still really fresh. A year or two from now you and your BF will probably have a totally different take on things. I'm not saying that you won't still miss Matt and care about him, but you might be ok with having a general memorial candle for everyone, you might feel as many people do that weddings are not places for memorials, you might find that his family is still in too much pain to want that brought up, you might not talk to his sister anymore, you might have decided to elope with no one else there at all making this whole point moot...there are just waaaaay too many "mights" for it to make any sense to decide on something right now because you'll probably end up changing it.

And I bolded that part to let you know that things like that generally only invite trouble. Public message board = people get to say what they want (within the rules), whether you like it or not. Specifically telling people what kind of answers you want doesn't make them answer that way, it only encourages comments about exactly what you say you want to avoid.

trix1223 · July 2010

I'm sorry for your loss. I'll also say that your feelngs are so very raw right now that you shouldn't be making any kind of decisions about thisat this time. And you're absolutely right: you don't even need to.

My mom died exactly 3 weeks to the day before my DD's wedding. DD was so sad that her beloved grandma wouldn't be in the congregation on her wedding day. To compound the sadness, my SIL's dad had died 9 months before their wedding.

It was a very emotional day. A year ago, we were all in a very different place than we are now. A year ago, we couldn't tell stories about mom and smile. Now we can laugh. I promise you, your outlook will change. This very raw grief will temper over time. You'll see things differently.

As I said, some might tell you to put this on the back burner right now. I'd tell you to take it off the stove altogether. It's not something you need to think about now. It's not a decision you have to make until, quite literally, the week of your wedding.

So grieve as you need to, but take any wedding thoughts out of the process right now.

gottahavashorti · July 2010

Ditto Emily. Your loss is just too recent to make solid plans about this.

When you do start to solidify your ideas, I much prefer more subtle memorials. Candles, empty chairs and the like can be saddening. Small things like your FI's pocket square or cufflinks being in his friend's favorite color, wearing his watch or tie pin, playing a favorite song during the reception or incorporating a favorite food or drink into the menu are nice, subtle things that you and some of his close friends and family can appreciate without it being in peoples' faces.

aerinpegadrak · July 2010

I still can't understand how someone can already have groomsmen asked when they aren't even engaged. Is it like one of those childhood promise things that apparently girls do?

gottahavashorti · July 2010

Aerin, I know for DH and his best friend it was just always known that his best friend would be the BM, years before we were engaged. They've got a total Turk-JD guy love going on and there was never a question about who would be standing up with DH someday.

Groomsman memorial

Re: Groomsman memorial

Choose Another Board

Search Boards