MOH bowed out...

Jessa617 · December 2012

I made the mistake of chosing my wedding party way too soon (last December and I am getting married April 2013). Yes I realize this was very dumb and not well thought out on my part. I chose who I thought was a really good friend as my MOH. Since I chose her she has made the wedding all about her and has said some really ignorant things. I kept my mouth shut and didn't say anything and vented to my fiance about it. He took it upon himself to message her recently and tell her she was being a bad MOH (now mind you, these words never came out of my mouth). She asked me what it was all about so I told her what was bothering me. Because I was honest it created some awkwardness and tension. She asked what should we do, I told her she would need to make that decision but of course I care about her, she's my friend and I want her to be a part of it. We talked today and she told me she was going to bow out. Along with bowing out, she took her gift back. Her boyfriend was going to be the videographer (no charge to her or anyone else). She told me he had a friend that could do it for $600 if I still wanted a videographer. No, I don't need one. It would have been nice, but not a priority. After telling my fiance this he thinks I should not invite her to the wedding. What is the right thing to do here? She made the choice to bow out, and she took back her free gift.... I'm so confused and stuck in an awkward place because I don't like people being upset. Do I send her an invitation?

Jessa617 · December 2012

I'm upset with my FI, but in a way I was glad to get it off my chest. I know it sounds awful. Me and the MOH were never really the closest of friends, we've just been friends for a while so I immediately chose her. If I took the time to think she would not have been my first choice as MOH. To give you an idea of what she has done (and albeit not bad, which is why I never said anything to her personally): I invited her to a few bridal shows and she bought a fake ring to wear so she could show it off to people and make them think she was engaged (she's been single for years, and I understand that she's never been married and at this point in her life, it may not happen for her- so totally understandable). I get she wants to feel the excitement too, that's fine. That never bothered me because that was the beginning and there was nothing else she had done. I started working out and trying really hard to get in shape, she wanted to get in shape too for the wedding and also her high school reunion this past November. I bought the Insanity workout program so I could do that with her and help motivate her. Every other day she was sick, or her scar tissue was bothering her, or she couldn't breathe. It was always a different excuse every time I tried to workout. If she didn't want to work out, that's fine, but we used her mom's house and I felt if she didn't want to work out then I couldn't either. After a few months of working out 1 day every other week I told her I was joining a gym if she wanted to join with me. She said no...ok fine. I could sense that she was a little upset that I was leaving her hanging, but I can only motivate so much. When we had our talk she thought I was forcing her to lose weight so I wouldn't have a "fat MOH standing next to me". I assured her this was not the case, she approached me and asked for help, so I did. My colors for my wedding are black and red. I told the girls they could pick out black dresses but I would love for them to wear red shoes. My MOH told me she couldn't afford a new pair of shoes so then I told everybody to wear whatever they had. I went shoe shopping for my own pair and she asked if she could go with me because she wanted to get a new pair of red shoes. This is when I started to get a little frustrated. I told everyone they could wear red or black because she couldn't afford a new pair of shoes and already had black...now she wants to buy a red pair? The videographer that was originally hired was her...hookup I'll say to put it lightly.... She told me that if she disappears for awhile at the wedding then that means the videographer and her are in the back room having some private time together. I get she was joking, but I thought it was in poor taste. Again, I never said anything to her about any of this. I know I should have brought these things up when they happened, but I just didn't want to make it awkward for us. The other thing is after I picked out my shoes she asked for a picture, then she posted on facebook "Those shoes were on my favorite list, I wanted to get them. I wasn't going to tell you because I knew you liked them". Well she told everybody and I felt awful for getting them. She never showed me the shoes or told me they were on her favorites list so I had no idea. I felt really bad, almost to the point where I was going to return the shoes so she could get them. I know these are all really small things on their own, but when I hear her talking about the day and how she's going to be the star and everyone will be looking at her and how hot she will be in her dress etc etc, it just rubbed me the wrong way. My fiance found out that another bridesmaid took it upon herself to get all the bridesmaids to wear red shoes so with this little tidbit of info he thought my MOH was not doing her "job". I understand that MOH and BMs don't have "jobs" to do. I asked them to be a part of my day and stand up there with me, not to delegate tasks to. I had all of this hanging over my head so when he said something to her, it kind of broke the ice and I was able to tell her how I felt. She apologized and said that's just the way she is. After we had our talk, we didn't talk to each other for about a week then she messaged me today to come by so we could talk again. She gave me the workout videos I bought and my DVD player and told me she was bowing out. There's clearly tension there and it is definitely awkward. I hate asking this and writing this because I know how awful it all looks. I feel awful too.... I'm just so torn

Did I write a long enough story there? ha... sorry about that!

Jessa617 · December 2012

Wow that's a lot longer than I thought it was... again I apologize!

Jessa617 · December 2012

I should also add that my fiance did personally apologize to her right after he said what he said..this was 3 weeks ago and she just bowed out tonight.

zitiqueen · December 2012

Invite her as a guest and tell your FI that in the future that you can fight your own battles and he needs to keep his fat mouth shut. You wouldn't be where you are right now if he'd bothered to do that. His opinion regarding the mess he created means squat as far as I'm concerned. Send her an ivitation and let her make the decision of whether or not she wants to come.

Jessa617 · December 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_moh-bowed-out?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:4a2d9424-aaed-466c-9256-1643782ceb53Post:b667fd7c-3c20-4895-b341-4dd42cb3c3fe">Re: MOH bowed out...</a>:
[QUOTE]Sigh. I thought you were a normal one. Oh well.
Posted by jcbsjr[/QUOTE]

I know, I know. I hate this just as much as you do (more actually). Everyone that knows me personally and knows the situation tells me I shouldn't invite her but I don't think that's the right thing to do. The whole situation is just awful and I came here to get some unbiased opinions. And believe me, my fiance knows enough to not dare do anything like that again.

AddieCake · December 2012

I think you should invite her.

Viczaesar · December 2012

There is absolutely nothing in your list of woes that demonstrates her being a bad MOH, or a bad friend for that matter. That is a tempest in a teacup, and you should be apologizing to your former MOH profusely for going crazy over nothing. Your FI was horribly out of line to say anything at all.

Viczaesar · December 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_moh-bowed-out?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:4a2d9424-aaed-466c-9256-1643782ceb53Post:92795b44-4a1b-49b9-9b36-10415d8a9735">MOH bowed out...</a>:
[QUOTE]I made the mistake of chosing my wedding party way too soon (last December and I am getting married April 2013). Yes I realize this was very dumb and not well thought out on my part. I chose who I thought was a really good friend as my MOH. Since I chose her she has made the wedding all about her and has said some really ignorant things. I kept my mouth shut and didn't say anything and vented to my fiance about it. He took it upon himself to message her recently and tell her she was being a bad MOH (now mind you, these words never came out of my mouth). She asked me what it was all about so I told her what was bothering me. Because I was honest it created some awkwardness and tension. She asked what should we do, I told her she would need to make that decision but of course I care about her, she's my friend and I want her to be a part of it. We talked today and she told me she was going to bow out. Along with bowing out, she took her gift back. Her boyfriend was going to be the videographer (no charge to her or anyone else). She told me he had a friend that could do it for $600 if I still wanted a videographer. No, I don't need one. It would have been nice, but not a priority. After telling my fiance this he thinks I should not invite her to the wedding. What is the right thing to do here? She made the choice to bow out, and she took back her free gift.... I'm so confused and stuck in an awkward place because I don't like people being upset. Do I send her an invitation?
Posted by Jessalyn2013[/QUOTE]
JIC.

Viczaesar · December 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_moh-bowed-out?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:4a2d9424-aaed-466c-9256-1643782ceb53Post:02e77ede-35c6-4b39-be05-6d286b8fb4da">Re: MOH bowed out...</a>:
[QUOTE]I'm upset with my FI, but in a way I was glad to get it off my chest. I know it sounds awful. Me and the MOH were never really the closest of friends, we've just been friends for a while so I immediately chose her. If I took the time to think she would not have been my first choice as MOH. To give you an idea of what she has done (and albeit not bad, which is why I never said anything to her personally): I invited her to a few bridal shows and she bought a fake ring to wear so she could show it off to people and make them think she was engaged (she's been single for years, and I understand that she's never been married and at this point in her life, it may not happen for her- so totally understandable). I get she wants to feel the excitement too, that's fine. That never bothered me because that was the beginning and there was nothing else she had done. I started working out and trying really hard to get in shape, she wanted to get in shape too for the wedding and also her high school reunion this past November. I bought the Insanity workout program so I could do that with her and help motivate her. Every other day she was sick, or her scar tissue was bothering her, or she couldn't breathe. It was always a different excuse every time I tried to workout. If she didn't want to work out, that's fine, but we used her mom's house and I felt if she didn't want to work out then I couldn't either. After a few months of working out 1 day every other week I told her I was joining a gym if she wanted to join with me. She said no...ok fine. I could sense that she was a little upset that I was leaving her hanging, but I can only motivate so much. When we had our talk she thought I was forcing her to lose weight so I wouldn't have a "fat MOH standing next to me". I assured her this was not the case, she approached me and asked for help, so I did. My colors for my wedding are black and red. I told the girls they could pick out black dresses but I would love for them to wear red shoes. My MOH told me she couldn't afford a new pair of shoes so then I told everybody to wear whatever they had. I went shoe shopping for my own pair and she asked if she could go with me because she wanted to get a new pair of red shoes. This is when I started to get a little frustrated. I told everyone they could wear red or black because she couldn't afford a new pair of shoes and already had black...now she wants to buy a red pair? The videographer that was originally hired was her...hookup I'll say to put it lightly.... She told me that if she disappears for awhile at the wedding then that means the videographer and her are in the back room having some private time together. I get she was joking, but I thought it was in poor taste. Again, I never said anything to her about any of this. I know I should have brought these things up when they happened, but I just didn't want to make it awkward for us. The other thing is after I picked out my shoes she asked for a picture, then she posted on facebook "Those shoes were on my favorite list, I wanted to get them. I wasn't going to tell you because I knew you liked them". Well she told everybody and I felt awful for getting them. She never showed me the shoes or told me they were on her favorites list so I had no idea. I felt really bad, almost to the point where I was going to return the shoes so she could get them. I know these are all really small things on their own, but when I hear her talking about the day and how she's going to be the star and everyone will be looking at her and how hot she will be in her dress etc etc, it just rubbed me the wrong way. My fiance found out that another bridesmaid took it upon herself to get all the bridesmaids to wear red shoes so with this little tidbit of info he thought my MOH was not doing her "job". I understand that MOH and BMs don't have "jobs" to do. I asked them to be a part of my day and stand up there with me, not to delegate tasks to. I had all of this hanging over my head so when he said something to her, it kind of broke the ice and I was able to tell her how I felt. She apologized and said that's just the way she is. After we had our talk, we didn't talk to each other for about a week then she messaged me today to come by so we could talk again. She gave me the workout videos I bought and my DVD player and told me she was bowing out. There's clearly tension there and it is definitely awkward. I hate asking this and writing this because I know how awful it all looks. I feel awful too.... I'm just so torn Did I write a long enough story there? ha... sorry about that!
Posted by Jessalyn2013[/QUOTE]
JIC.

Jessa617 · December 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_moh-bowed-out?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:4a2d9424-aaed-466c-9256-1643782ceb53Post:ddde1743-00c2-4db5-998e-e506924394d2">Re: MOH bowed out...</a>:
[QUOTE]There is absolutely nothing in your list of woes that demonstrates her being a bad MOH, or a bad friend for that matter. That is a tempest in a teacup, and you should be apologizing to your former MOH profusely for going crazy over nothing. Your FI was horribly out of line to say anything at all.
Posted by Viczaesar[/QUOTE]

I never thought she was a bad MOH, nor did I tell anyone she was; there were just those small things that rubbed me the wrong way but they were so minute that I didn't mention it to her. I thought it best be left unsaid and carry on. I did apologize for my fiance and for how I felt as well. I didn't go crazy at all. I told her what was on my mind, she told me what was on hers. We both apologized to each other and had forgiven each other, but it's left a lot of tension there. And yes my FI was way out of line and he knows that now which is why he apologized as well.

Jessa617 · December 2012

I think you guys are misinterpreting what I wrote. I thought all these things were trivial and that is why I did NOT mention anything to her. The only reason it got brought up was because of my fiance's big mouth that he now knows should have remained shut. She asked me what that was all about. I tried to play it off as my fiance just being an ass and not knowing what he was talking about but she knew I was hiding something. So when she pried, it came out... and while I was telling her I told her everything was not that big of a deal. I was not brash or confrontational with her. It was a very civil conversation and she was able to tell me things that were on her mind too.

daveANDkristen · December 2012

Some of her comments were immature, and so is her emphasis on being the center of attention. That's an immature desire on any day, let alone a good friend's wedding day. That said, nothing you mentioned was a "fireable offense" and it sounds like you know that. Those who are suggesting that you rescind her invitation are just pissed at her on your behalf but they are wrong. You should absolutely still invite her. If you don't, the friendship will almost definitely be over.

AddieCake · December 2012

But now your question is whether or not to invite her. The answer is yes.

Viczaesar · December 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_moh-bowed-out?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:4a2d9424-aaed-466c-9256-1643782ceb53Post:57022e97-61bf-4a89-a610-a15ae8ec36e5">Re: MOH bowed out...</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: MOH bowed out... : I never thought she was a bad MOH, nor did I tell anyone she was; there were just those small things that rubbed me the wrong way but they were so minute that I didn't mention it to her. I thought it best be left unsaid and carry on. I did apologize for my fiance and for how I felt as well. I didn't go crazy at all. I told her what was on my mind, she told me what was on hers. We both apologized to each other and had forgiven each other, but it's left a lot of tension there. And yes my FI was way out of line and he knows that now which is why he apologized as well.
Posted by Jessalyn2013[/QUOTE]
Then why are you even considering not inviting her to your wedding?

Jessa617 · December 2012

Addie- Yes that was my question

Stage- There's no way to explain how I feel without sounding like a horrible person, so I'm not going to attempt to put it into words that could be misconstrued. I hate the way that it happened, but I was glad we were able to talk to each other about it.

Jessa617 · December 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_moh-bowed-out?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:4a2d9424-aaed-466c-9256-1643782ceb53Post:189e8916-a5b8-4042-a64a-217f1d09697f">Re: MOH bowed out...</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: MOH bowed out... : Then why are you even considering not inviting her to your wedding?
Posted by Viczaesar[/QUOTE]

Because people are making me feel like that was immature on her part to back out and she should have just stuck it out and made it work and now she doesn't deserve an invitation. I'm pretty sure I've made the decision to at least extend the invitation. Through all of this I realize that maybe we weren't as close friends as I thought (only because of how I feel now, not because of anything she did).

Jessa617 · December 2012

I didn't write every little thing she said, I was just giving a synopsis. No I don't think that wearing the ring to the shows was immature, I totally get that. Other people that are close to me think she is immature for backing out and recanting her gift. I don't care about the gift either. We talked about working through it and I thought she was going to try with me to make things better and back to normal, but then she backed out. I didn't tell her that she should or give any inclination that I even wanted her to. She asked what she should do and I told her I wanted her to be a part of it. I know I was being ridiculous and overreacting about the things she did/say and that is exactly why I never mentioned it to her. The working out thing, she told me "I am really motivated, I don't want to look like this anymore, I need your help." If that were me and I told somebody "Hey motivate me", if I then turned around and said, no I can't do this, I would want them to push me. But that isn't the point either. I only mentioned that part because this is what she said to me in the conversation we had. There were things that bothered her too and I apologized if I was pushing too hard.

Peledreamsofrain · December 2012

Honestly I think all of this has become overblown, and nobody is 100% in the right.

Here's the basics of the reality of the situation as it stands right now, regardless of what HAS happened in the past. We're focusing on right now:

You still can recover this friendship eventually as things stand right now. If you would like to do so, invite her to the wedding, and perhaps apologize for your FI's behavior once everything has calmed down after the wedding.

However, if the current state is that you don't WANT to recover the friendship, don't invite her. It'll cause massive amounts of hurt emotions, and it'll most definitely get you written up as a member of her "Official B$%es" List, because it's a very public and very nasty slight (and in my opinion, WAY disproportionate retaliation for the situation).

Has she been immature? Yes. Is it worth it to one-up her on the immaturity scale and do something even more hurtful to her in exchange? That's only something you can decide, because you're the one living the consequences.

Jessa617 · December 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_moh-bowed-out?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:4a2d9424-aaed-466c-9256-1643782ceb53Post:9e842ef5-2d05-4672-9d20-b79925f422c4">Re: MOH bowed out...</a>:
[QUOTE]Honestly I think all of this has become overblown, and nobody is 100% in the right. Here's the basics of the reality of the situation as it stands right now, regardless of what HAS happened in the past. We're focusing on right now: You still can recover this friendship eventually as things stand right now. If you would like to do so, invite her to the wedding, and perhaps apologize for your FI's behavior once everything has calmed down after the wedding. However, if the current state is that you don't WANT to recover the friendship, don't invite her. It'll cause massive amounts of hurt emotions, and it'll most definitely get you written up as a member of her "Official B$%es" List, because it's a very public and very nasty slight (and in my opinion, WAY disproportionate retaliation for the situation). Has she been immature? Yes. Is it worth it to one-up her on the immaturity scale and do something even more hurtful to her in exchange? That's only something you can decide, because you're the one living the consequences.
Posted by Peledreamsofrain[/QUOTE]

Well said. You've all given me something to think about. At this point I guess I just need to figure out if I want to salvage the friendship. We were never best friends by any means, but definitely something I need to sleep on and think about for the future of our friendship if there is one in store for us.

melb2013 · December 2012

I realize we don't know all the facts, but I don't see anything wrong with what your MOH has done- nothing worthy of this drama anyway. If your FI had come to me to do your bidding for you (since you wanted him to say those things, that's exactly what was happening), I would have been so angry at his disrespect that I may have backed out too. Or I would have been silently bitter and have gotten through the wedding and slowly backed away from you after the wedding.

In fact, this very situation did happen to me... a bride's FI (my FBIL actually...) emailed me to tell me that I was telling his bride too much about her shower and I needed to stop. I completely blew up at the two of them- him for getting in between me and the bride, and the bride for telling him I was telling her these things, when she was begging me to tell her. If she had just been my friend and not my FSIL, I would have backed out of the wedding at that point.

freebread03 · December 2012

It sounds like you can't make decisions for yourself--your FI is the one who told your MOH that you had a problem with her, your FI is the one who doesn't want to invite her to the wedding any longer, other "people" are saying she's immature and that you shouldn't invite her to the wedding...do you see the pattern here? You need to stand up for yourself and make your own decisions. And if she was really that close of a friend that you made her MOH at one time, then you should be standing up for HER too. Why do so many people know about this drama? Because you and/or your FI are running around telling everyone? That doesn't sound like you're acting like a real friend to me, and I don't blame her for backing out.

If you don't mind me asking, how old are you girls? From working out at her mom's house and some of the drama that's gone on, it sounds like you are both fairly young and immature, but you also said "she's been single for years, and I understand that she's never been married and at this point in her life, it may not happen for her- so totally understandable", which, unless you're like...50+, is a really ridiculous statement.

I think you need to make a big apology to your friend, tell her that you are glad you two could work it out, and that you hope she can still make the wedding. Be an adult, smooth it over, and stop telling everyone about personal drama between you and your friend, since it's nobody's business but yours and hers.

Jessa617 · December 2012

I did not WANT my fiance to say that she was a bad MOH because I never said it myself. The only thing I told him was that my other BM got everyone together and said they should wear red shoes. The other things I told him were things that annoyed me about her as a person and not anything about the wedding. So he only had the shoe thing to go on. And as previously mentioned, he apologized to her profusely and she told me that she had forgiven him.

I'm 29 and she is rounding 50. I only say she'll never be married because I know her not like the rest of you. Trust me, she will never get married. The only reason we became friends in the first place is because her neice used to date my stepbrother, and they broke up years ago.

This is why in my OP that I said I made a mistake of chosing my wedding party too fast because if I actually sat down and thought about it, she would not have been my MOH in the first place. I was just overrun with excitement that I didn't think about it. There's no doubt in my mind that I am definitely a big part of the blame here, but regardless of what my fiance did or did not do, she wasn't his friend, she was mine. It was no secret that they don't like each other (yes, she didn't like him either- even before all of this).

I've certainly learned the error of my ways, as well as my fiance so we don't need to keep rehashing how wrong he was. I know how wrong he was and he knows how wrong he was.

Jessa617 · December 2012

I'm not downplaying it by any means. I know how wrong it was and that is why I (and he) both apologized profusely for what had happened and the way it happened. I can only apologize so much.

Jessa617 · December 2012

Lia I think you're right. It definitely wasn't meant to be for us but I should still extend the invitation.

SCD1126 · December 2012

You say in your OP that she was one of your closest friends. Then you bad mouth her at the end. Not classy.

FI overstepping his bounds is a bigger issue than whether or not you should invite her.

MOH bowed out...

Re: MOH bowed out...

Choose Another Board

Search Boards