We Cannot Agree.. Help!

Kaydayton · June 2012

My fiance and I cannot agree on where to get married AT ALL. He wants to elope (just me and him) and I am fine with a destination wedding or get married at home. I want my family and best friends with me, and he has pretty much decided that all people are banned fromt the ceremony and said we can just have a reception a few months later and "recreate" the ceremony. It is going to be twice as expensive to do that considering he wants to fly across the country to do this. I understand that he is having a hard time getting along with his parents and he really doesn't have much family, and does not like being the center of attention-- but I have been dreaming of my wedding day forever and I cannot imagine getting married without those closest to me present (not to mention my mom and sister are furious). Am I being ridiculous or do I have a valid argument? I want him to be happy, but I do not want to regret not having my family there and I also do not want them upset with me for the next few years.. or the rest of my life.

kmmssg · June 2012

Agree with CMG on the counseling for your FI. It is very sad that there are such issues within his family, but he must never expect you to keep your family out of important events just because he can't have his there.

Kaydayton · June 2012

I guess I misunderstood him and he says my family can come to the elopement, still not exactly what I want, but I will take it. We aren't really in a rush necessarily... we have been together a few years and were best friends and roommates for years and years before that, so we just naturally came to this point. We both want children and he is nine years older than me, so we want to start a family soon before he gets too much older. I have been talking to his sister to try and get things worked out with him and his parents- maybe she can give me some insight.

Lisa50 · June 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_ceremony-ideas_we-cannot-agree-help?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:10Discussion:9a3aaf1a-83f6-486a-a8d8-ef0ed0fed3b3Post:af6ca8fd-8d63-4b6a-80fa-ca585c221ed0">Re: We Cannot Agree.. Help!</a>:
[QUOTE]I guess I misunderstood him and he says my family can come to the elopement, still not exactly what I want, but I will take it. We aren't really in a rush necessarily... we have been together a few years and were best friends and roommates for years and years before that, so we just naturally came to this point. We both want children and he is nine years older than me, so we want to start a family soon before he gets too much older. I have been talking to his sister to try and get things worked out with him and his parents- maybe she can give me some insight.
Posted by Kaydayton[/QUOTE]

While I understand your motivation is to help your fiance smooth things out with his parents, the bottom line is that it is their relationship to create or destroy. My feeling is the best you can do is support what he wants to do, not force him to take action to initiate change.

Good luck!

LolaW14 · June 2012

I have a similar situation with family feuds, his family is horrible and so they will not be attending our wedding. I do have to say though that this was always something that he left up to me. He always said that he would invite them if I thought it would be important to me or if I thought it would create less conflict in the future.

I on the other hand said that it is his family and that he needs to decide if it is really important to him for them to be there. Had he said yes, then I would have accepted it even though they really treat me very poorly.

I guess what I am trying to to say is, I think he has to decide for his side of the family and you have the right to have your family there if you want to.

We are going to elope as well with only my parents present and then we are just going to have a nice dinner with the people who are happy for us once we get back.

Good luck and don't forget to keep the fun and love in the planning process, I know how hard it can be when there are conflicts.

kmmssg · June 2012

Ditto lisa - you need to support whatever your FI decides on his relationship with his family, not try to fix it. You could end up putting yourself in a position he will resent. This isn't your problem to fix, it is a situation where you need to support whatever your FI decides. Please back out of that one.

jesslynn1012 · June 2012

I think you should tread lightly with trying to fix things between him and his parents. I am a counselor and naturally want to help people, but I realized at my FI's cousin's wedding this weekend that maybe I had the wrong ideas. I was trying to get my FI and his brother to have a relationship again (I've been told they were close as kids). In the 4 years my FI and I have been together, I've only seen his brother 3 times. At their cousin's wedding I realized he's kinda jerky, and just because I always envisioned being close to both my family and his, that might not be possible. I had to take a step back and let my FI's relationship with his brother be whatever it's going to be. I feel bad for trying to "encourage" them to be friends for so long when that's probably not going to happen. I am going to be happy that he has a good relationship with me and my family and I am going to step back from trying to fix his family issues.

We Cannot Agree.. Help!

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