My wedding party moved away....

ptytula · May 2012

Hi all,
My wedding is in june 2013 and I am starting to get into the planning. I have all of my bridesmaids and my MOH picked out and I have asked all 4 of them to be there. They all said yes. 2 are my sisters (both of whom live at least 6 hours away from me), and the other 2 are friends. My one bridesmaid (as it turns out) is moving to seattle this june (2012) to be with her soon to be husband. My MOH said she would be honoured to be there....and has since...you guessed it....moved about 7 hours away. I am really starting to feel the pressure of having to plan my wedding without any support. My fiance is trying to help but, lets face it, he isn't really into the planning of the wedding, he's more concerned with working to be able to pay for it. I asked him if we could up the number of the wedding party to include 2 of my other friends that live here (then they could be included, and I would be able to have help), but he said that 6 on each side is WAY too many. I am stressing out really bad and don't know what I am supposed to do. I can't plan my wedding alone.
Also....neither he or I have family where we live....they are 8 hours away. We are on an extremely tight budget and will have to DIY for most of the wedding. And he is usually working in camp 2-3 weeks at a time....any suggestions???

mbcdefg · May 2012

Bridesmaids aren't guaranteed helpers. Feel free to ask friends for help if you need it, but it's really wrong and rude to add more local people to the bridal party because you expect then to help. Also, why does your fiance get a free pass from helping to plan HIS wedding, but your bridesmaids are expected to help you? Your fiance's penis doesn't make him physically unable to lend a hand. YOU GUYS decided to get married, so YOU GUYS are the only people responsible for planning the wedding. Any extra help you receive is a bonus. Wedding planning is only as hard as you choose to make it. You only "need" an officiant, a license, and food and chairs for your guests. Absolutely everything else is optional. If it's truly too complicated for you, then scale back your plans to a more manageable level. Or hire a planner to help you. I totally get being on a budget, but that doesn't mean that your bridal party is obligated to help you. Either work with what you've got, or postpone the wedding for a while so you can save up more money. But, really, planning a wedding isn't rocket science ... if you are so overwhelmed that you can't accomplish anything without assistance, then you're doing it wrong. And, again, it's totally fine to politely ask your friends for help. But the mistake would be to add them to the bridal party JUST to get some help. Because a making someone a bridesmaid is absolutely not a guarantee that they will want to help you, and b someone needn't be a bridesmaid to help. Plus, if you chose to add two bridesmaids for whatever reason, why on earth would your fiance have to add two groomsmen? That's just making things MORE complicated and expensive for you guys, right? Not to mention that even sides aren't a requirement anyway.

VeggieLove1022 · May 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_my-wedding-party-moved-away?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:5e6fa6b8-e715-4635-babc-c8d1a46631d7Post:f977075e-0e48-4801-857b-850e66b01fe3">My wedding party moved away....</a>:
[QUOTE]Hi all, My wedding is in june 2013 and I am starting to get into the planning. I have all of my bridesmaids and my MOH picked out and I have asked all 4 of them to be there. They all said yes. 2 are my sisters (both of whom live at least 6 hours away from me), and the other 2 are friends. My one bridesmaid (as it turns out) is moving to seattle this june (2012) to be with her soon to be husband. My MOH said she would be honoured to be there....and has since...you guessed it....moved about 7 hours away. I am really starting to feel the pressure of having to plan my wedding without any support. My fiance is trying to help but, lets face it, he isn't really into the planning of the wedding, he's more concerned with working to be able to pay for it. I asked him if we could up the number of the wedding party to include 2 of my other friends that live here (then they could be included, and I would be able to have help), but he said that 6 on each side is WAY too many. I am stressing out really bad and don't know what I am supposed to do. I can't plan my wedding alone. Also....neither he or I have family where we live....they are 8 hours away. We are on an extremely tight budget and will have to DIY for most of the wedding. And he is usually working in camp 2-3 weeks at a time....any suggestions???
Posted by ptytula[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>Okay, it sucks that your friends moved away, but keep in mind that your BMs can still do the exact same thing that they needed to do before they moved. All they have to do is get their dress and show up. Anything else is just them being kind. If one of them offers, they can still throw a bachelorette party and everything. They don't have to offer to throw one, but just know that 7 hours isn't that big of a distance and it's definitely do-able. </div><div>
</div><div>With their dresses- ask their budget and either pick out a dress or just tell them a material and style. Many people don't have matching BM dresses these days and the weddings still look wonderful.</div><div>
</div><div>With the number of BMs- you can chose however many girls you want on your side. Your FI really doesn't get a say on who stands on your side for you. You don't have to have even numbers and these days- many weddings are done without the symmetry. When you look back on your wedding are you going to be counting heads or are you going to be happy at who you had standing up for you at your wedding. Don't just chose girls based on if they can help you do stuff though. That's not their job and if you need DIY things done for your wedding- you and your FI need to get on it.</div><div>
</div><div>For the support thing- you don't really need support. It's a party, not a death. I planned my entire wedding by myself and it wasn't hard at all. You've got over a year which is exactly what I had. Your FI is there to help plan whether or not he likes it.</div><div>
</div><div> Girls on these boards are here if you need advice and trust me- they give wonderful, honest advice. Purchase your dress and get the big things booked- such as your venue, DJ, baker, and whoever will be marrying you and then enjoy being engaged for a few months. After that it's just decorations which you can chose at any time. Good luck!

</div>

AdeleDazeem · May 2012

Bridesmaids don't help you plan weddings. They stand there with you on your wedding day.

I'm sorry you feel overwhelmed and alone while planning this. Just because your friends or family don't live nearby doesn't mean that you can't call them up and ask their opinions on things after you've done a lot of research. And, I know that your fiance isn't really in to this, but it is his wedding and he should be the one doing just as much work as you.

I had no wedding party and planned my Bermuda wedding from Philadephia. My mom and my sister helped here and there, but mostly my fiance and I did the research and the work necessary. We went simple with most things because we believe in "less is more." It also made planning much much easier because there wasn't 4,000 things to coordinate.

Come here! Ask questions! Don't add more people to the wedding party - change your view of what a wedding party is: people who love you. They aren't wedding planners.

calliopeia2013 · May 2012

Agree overwhelmingly with PPs who have said that if you feel like you need "support" to plan your wedding, you're doing something very, very wrong. You should absolutely not be adding more bridesmaids because you think you can use them as free labor to help you in planning. They are not required to help you, and, frankly, you don't need them.

Other PPs have already told versions of this story, but my FI have planned our entire wedding ourselves, our entire wedding party lives out of town, and the only help we've asked of others is that my mom went dress shopping with FI and me. It has occasionally been frustrating, especially since we both work 50-60 hours a week and so many vendors seem to only be available during regular business hours, but certainly shouldn't be rising to the level of panic, high stress, or a feeling that you can't do it on your own.

Is it possible that you're making it more high-stress than it needs to be? Do you feel like it has to be "perfect" or "flawless," or like you'll be crushed if everyone doesn't love it, or like you're making plans outside your budget? The wedding-industrial complex tries to trick you into thinking weddings are more stressful than they really are, so that you spend more money trying to meet your own expectations. Most of the time, all it takes it an attitude readjustment to get out of the mindset that wedding planning is "supposed" to be stressful and complicated and crazy that the wedding industrial complex is feeding you, and in to the mindset that you're planning a fun party with all your family and friends who love you.

StephBeanWed61502 · May 2012

If you're overwhelmed, YOUR FI needs to step up. It isn't anyone else's job to plan your wedding. Don't make excuses for him not to be an equal partner in this just because "oh he's not into it, he's such a boy, teehee." Sit down with your FI, figure out what stuff he cares about and ask him to take the lead on finding and setting up meetings with those vendors.

Also, to the extent that your stress is caused by DIY stuff, just don't do it. Seriously, there are a lot of really inexpensive options for things like invitations and decor that don't require 27 hours of your time and a hot glue gun. You can get 100 invitations, completely assembled and pre-printed, from VistaPrint for around $100. Grocery stores and places like CostCo have amazing deals on floral centerpieces that, again, require almost no work from you. Most of the cutesy little decor-type projects you will see on wedding blogs and here on TK are nice, sure, but I can tell you right now that as a guest, I NEVER notice that type of thing. Guests notice the food, the music, and the bride's dress, not hand-stamped monogrammed placecards set into hand-carved wine corks.

aerinpegadrak · May 2012

PPs have pretty much covered it. Only 4 of our 10 attendants lived within 100 miles of us, we were on an extremely tight budget doing it mostly DIY, and we were planning a wedding from almost 300 miles away in a venue I didn't see until the day before the wedding. Oh, and halfway through planning, our budget fell through, and we had to start completely over. Sounds like a perfect storm of stress, right?

It's all in the mindset. I only expected the girls to get their dresses (I told them to wear anything black, made life really easy) and show up, so any help that was offered was a pleasant surprise. For the DIY, I stayed realistic about the time it would take and started everything early enough to get it done. I also prioritized so that when stuff ended up getting cut due to lack of time, it wasn't anything important.

But most of all, I kept in mind that it's just a party. It's not inherently complicated. What our guests really cared about, and what they still talk about over two years later, is that we made the effort to make sure that they were appreciated and cared for, and that the whole weekend was relaxing and fun.

This is supposed to be a happy time. If you're a big stressball the whole time, yes, you're doing it wrong, and you need to scale back the plans to be something you and your FI can manage. (And yes, as the others said, he's the other person actually getting married, so he's the one who really does need to be pitching in. If he can't understand that, you have bigger problems.)

GoodLuckBear14 · May 2012

Your BMs are not there to help you plan your wedding. Your FI needs to man up and step up here to help you out - he is the only one who is required to do so.

fwiw - DH and I planned out entire wedding on our own because we live 1000 and 3000 miles away from all family and friends and at the time, were getting to know the area. I did get help from friends that we made here but it was only vendor recommendations. DH and I did all of the actual work ouselves.

LetsHikeToday · May 2012

I'm in a wedding and I live 5 states away from the bride. We bounce ideas off of each other through text and e-mail. Why can't you do that?

I don't think I asked any of my bridesmaids for help other than bouncing ideas. My MOH made my card box but she offered and that was it.

G2SoccerTaz · May 2012

My bridesmaids live in Seattle and Nebraska. We have never meet in person to try dresses on. One of them did go out and try dresses on while sending me the pictures. We all did agree on a dress. I personally do not think that everyone needs to be together to go dress shopping.

Tami87 · May 2012

My FI and I live in Maryland. I have three bridesmaids, two live in Kansas, one was in grad school in Ohio and is in New Mexico for the summer. My parents live in North Carolina and the wedding is going to be in St. Louis where FI's family lives. FI and I have planned our wedding just fine mostly on our own from long distance! I can understand that wedding planning can be stressful, but bridesmaids aren't supposed to plan your wedding. They are there because they are your closest friends.

If I want to talk to my bridesmaids about something I give them a call or send out an e-mail. Same thing with my mom. We talk a lot on the phone, and I am very lucky that she was able to make one or two trips durnig our year and a half engagement to help me with a few wedding things. Just do a little at a time. It is completely doable to plan a wedding without having bridesmaids or family living in the same state.

erbear84 · May 2012

Just like PP's have said, my BM's aren't all local, either. Neither is FI's mom, who has done more wedding planning wise than my own mom (who just asks me where I'm getting the money for things). Call them, email them, text them ideas - but it's not their responsibility. If you're THAT stressed, ask your FI to help, hire a wedding planner, or scale back your plans.

bnelson79 · May 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_my-wedding-party-moved-away?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:5e6fa6b8-e715-4635-babc-c8d1a46631d7Post:f977075e-0e48-4801-857b-850e66b01fe3">My wedding party moved away....</a>:
[QUOTE]Hi all, My wedding is in june 2013 and I am starting to get into the planning. I have all of my bridesmaids and my MOH picked out and I have asked all 4 of them to be there. They all said yes. 2 are my sisters (both of whom live at least 6 hours away from me), and the other 2 are friends. My one bridesmaid (as it turns out) is moving to seattle this june (2012) to be with her soon to be husband. My MOH said she would be honoured to be there....and has since...you guessed it....moved about 7 hours away. I am really starting to feel the pressure of having to plan my wedding without any support. My fiance is trying to help but, lets face it, he isn't really into the planning of the wedding, he's more concerned with working to be able to pay for it. I asked him if we could up the number of the wedding party to include 2 of my other friends that live here (then they could be included, and I would be able to have help), but he said that 6 on each side is WAY too many. I am stressing out really bad and don't know what I am supposed to do. I can't plan my wedding alone. Also....neither he or I have family where we live....they are 8 hours away. We are on an extremely tight budget and will have to DIY for most of the wedding. And he is usually working in camp 2-3 weeks at a time....any suggestions???

I understand what your going through, sorta of, I have a small bridal party like 2 girls on my side plus my flower girl (niece) I helped all of my friends with the wedding planning and I have asked my two friends who said no to being part of my wedding party and they are always busy doing something so I've stopped asking because they know that I'm getting married and they know that I' was always there to lend a helping hand, though thankfully I have my mom with me and my fiance does help ( mostly we taste testing... and DJ's gotta have good music he says ) what you can do is diy and get ideas and sends emails to your bridal party and get there feed back.

Lisa50 · May 2012

The best way to take pressure off yourself is to take a step back and accept that planning is up to you and your fiance. Period. I agree with PP, it's time to remind your FI it is his wedding, too!

To be honest, the only things required of the wedding party is to dress the way you'd like and to show up sober and on time.

katy0990 · May 2012

It sounds like you would be asking your local friends to be your maids/ servants and not bridesmaids.
Also, if you are this stresses a year out maybe you should consider scaling down a bit. As a PP pointed out a wedding does not have to be elaborate.

ptytula · May 2012

Don't want to come off as rude or defensive, or anything but I would like to set a few records straight....
First:
Why is it a bad thing to want help/support planning my wedding? Alot of you seem to have gotten the wrong idea about my original post. The bridesmaid/MOH that aren't able to really help anymore originally agreed to help(so no I am not a slave driver as a couple of you implied, AND I do NOT expect help).I wouldn't be adding 2 bridesmaids strictly to have help, but rather I have 2 friends that would like to help that, as a thank you, I would like to ask to be in my wedding party.
Second:
MY FIANCE IS NOT LAZY like some of you arel making it seem. He helps where he can and I love that he helps do what he is able to do. He DOES listen to me vent, and he IS helping, but like I said, he works 2-3 weeks out of province at a time.
Third:
I am not overwhelmed by the planning process, I am overwhelmed by the amount of work in the DIY projects.....where my bridesmaid and MOH said they would help, which, without physically being around, they can't do now. Of course I call my girls and family, but its not that same as physically having them there. Just because I would like family/friend support DOES NOT mean I am "planning" wrong.There is no right or wrong way to plan a wedding. And no I dont think my wedding has to be flawless or perfect.

aerinpegadrak · May 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_my-wedding-party-moved-away?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:5e6fa6b8-e715-4635-babc-c8d1a46631d7Post:52177aac-ccde-4d18-95fe-b5528da2ab69">Re: My wedding party moved away.....</a>:
[QUOTE]Don't want to come off as rude or defensive, or anything but I would like to set a few records straight.... First: Why is it a bad thing to want help/support planning my wedding? Alot of you seem to have gotten the wrong idea about my original post. The bridesmaid/MOH that aren't able to really help anymore originally agreed to help(so no I am not a slave driver as a couple of you implied, AND I do NOT expect help).I wouldn't be adding 2 bridesmaids strictly to have help, but rather I have 2 friends that would like to help that, as a thank you, I would like to ask to be in my wedding party. Second: MY FIANCE IS NOT LAZY like some of you arel making it seem. He helps where he can and I love that he helps do what he is able to do. He DOES listen to me vent, and he IS helping, but like I said, he works 2-3 weeks out of province at a time. Third: I am not overwhelmed by the planning process, I am overwhelmed by the amount of work in the DIY projects.....where my bridesmaid and MOH said they would help, which, without physically being around, they can't do now. Of course I call my girls and family, but its not that same as physically having them there. Just because I would like family/friend support DOES NOT mean I am "planning" wrong.There is no right or wrong way to plan a wedding. And no I dont think my wedding has to be flawless or perfect.
Posted by ptytula[/QUOTE]

The bridesmaid title should not be a thank you for their help. The bridesmaid title is for your very nearest and dearest friends. People who were extra helpful with wedding planning can be mentioned in the program, given a gift, even invited to the RD, but if you're adding them to the WP just because they're helpful, you're doing it for the wrong reasons.

If the DIY isn't manageable, sorry, that's no one's problem but your own. Either push the wedding back so you have time to fit it all in, or reassess the to-do list and determine what you don't need at all (likely most of it; guests don't really notice decorations and centerpieces and all that crap, they only care if they're having fun) and what you might be able to buy cheaply instead of making, since DIY projects often don't end up saving that much, especially when you factor in your time. If your friends who are out of town are still interested in helping with DIY and willing to take over a project completely, ship them the supplies and let them go at it, or have them buy the stuff on their end and reimburse them. (I ended up outsourcing the dessert table to my mother and sisters, all of whom lived out of town and were practically begging to be given a project. They just did their thing and brought it to the wedding.) It's the modern world, distances mean very little these days.

It's just a party. I promise it's not that complicated. Yeah, it's always nice to have people pitch in, but if you reach a point where it will fall apart if you don't have help, you've made mistakes somewhere.

My wedding party moved away....

Re: My wedding party moved away....

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