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Do you have to give gifts to your MOH and BM?

cachtemcachtem member
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in Registry and Gift Forum

I know it's traditional to give a gift to your MOH (and BM) as a thank you for your shower or stagette and all the assistance they've given you during your wedding planning.

But what if they haven't given you a shower or a stagette, and haven't helped with any of the planning?

What if it's a non-traditional ceremony (technically a vow-renewal, but that's another story), so there's no signing of papers and there won't be speeches to give? But since she's my oldest and closest friend, I would like her to be in our wedding photos.

Yes, my "MOH" is flying in for the ceremony (staying with family), and getting her own dress (a black cocktail dress that either she already owns or she may wish to buy a new one), but do I still need to get her a gift?

What about my other friend who stood in as my witness at our elopement? We took her out for a very nice dinner afterwards, but did not buy a special gift.

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Re: Do you have to give gifts to your MOH and BM?

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    elizabethm4elizabethm4 member
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    I think it's up to you, but I would get her something. Even if it's just a thank you card.
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    noodle_oonoodle_oo member
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    What's a stagette?  never heard of that.

    It sounds like you want permission to not get a gift.  Is it because of the cost?  My feeling is if you asked them to be your BM or MOH, yes I think a thank you present is in order.  It does'nt have to be expensive, it is more about showing your appreciation of their friendship.  It is also not just for them helping you plan or throwing you a shower.  It is just a nice gesture to thank them for their friendship and support as you get married.

    If finances are a concern, I don't think you have to spend a lot.  As PP said, at least a nice thank you card would be appreciated.
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    mags0607mags0607
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    If you have asked someone to be in your bridal party, then YES you need to give them a gift for doing that. The gift is not because they helped you plan, or they threw you a party. It is a thank you for spending their time and money to come celebrate your wedding ( or vow renewal) with you.
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    gottahavashortigottahavashorti member
    Combo Breaker First Comment
    Yes, you should get them each a gift.  It doesn't have to be pricey.  The gift is a thank you for being in the wedding, not for planning events or signing the marriage license.
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    vsgalvsgal member
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    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_registering-gifts_give-gifts-moh-bm?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:34Discussion:ff94c16e-0d9c-4ef7-bdde-b7ee73622900Post:751191ed-80ca-4011-a87d-3fab927b5db3">Do you have to give gifts to your MOH and BM?</a>:
    [QUOTE]I know it's traditional to give a gift to your MOH (and BM) as a thank you for your shower or stagette and all the assistance they've given you during your wedding planning. But what if they haven't given you a shower or a stagette, and haven't helped with any of the planning? What if it's a non-traditional ceremony (technically a vow-renewal, but that's another story), so there's no signing of papers and there won't be speeches to give? But since she's my oldest and closest friend, I would like her to be in our wedding photos. Yes, my "MOH" is flying in for the ceremony (staying with family), and getting her own dress (a black cocktail dress that either she already owns or she may wish to buy a new one), but do I still need to get her a gift? <strong>What about my other friend who stood in as my witness at our elopement? We took her out for a very nice dinner afterwards, but did not buy a special gift.

    </strong>Posted by cachtem[/QUOTE]

    <strong>Considering that you are already married, then this is a moot question.  You shouldn't be having a wedding now because you have already done it.  I think you should get them an extra big fancy pants gift because you are making them spend money that they shouldn't have to.  You are already married.</strong>
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    quotequeenquotequeen member
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    The gift is a thank you for standing up for you, not for planning parties for you.  If they had hosted a shower for you, you should give them a separate hostess gift.  That has nothing to do with the thank you for being in your WP.
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    cachtemcachtem member
    First Comment
    Thank you for all your constructive advice. Not having been to many weddings, I wasn't sure what the role of the MOH was. I agree with (most) of what you all have said. A thank you card is definitely appropriate anyway! And it sounds like a small token of appreciation is in order as well. (and I'll remember to include my witness too). There's always room in any budget for gratitude.

    And to "vsgal"; be careful being so judgemental. There are often cultural traditions that you may not be aware of. You don't know my reasons for our "elopement" and we are making my family and friends (AND my now husband and myself!) very happy by having a formal celebration. So it is not moot.
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    vsgalvsgal member
    First Anniversary 5 Love Its Name Dropper First Comment
    So just have the party.  There is no reason have the ceremony again.  Just out of curiosity, why did you elope?  What culture says that's the norm?  Educate me.
    By the way, I respond on what you write.  You said you are already married and having a ceremony again.  If you don't say why you deserve two weddings, how are people going to know.
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    cachtemcachtem member
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    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_registering-gifts_give-gifts-moh-bm?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:34Discussion:ff94c16e-0d9c-4ef7-bdde-b7ee73622900Post:49db43f6-782a-4a2b-8d60-cb9a1fb0ac3b">Re: Do you have to give gifts to your MOH and BM?</a>:
    [QUOTE]So just have the party.  There is no reason have the ceremony again.  Just out of curiosity, why did you elope?  What culture says that's the norm?  Educate me. By the way, I respond on what you write.  You said you are already married and having a ceremony again.  If you don't say why you deserve two weddings, how are people going to know.
    Posted by vsgal[/QUOTE]

    I didn't say why I'm having two "weddings" because that didn't have much to do with my actual question. FYI -  Mexican culture is to have a civil ceremony and a church ceremony because they have a complete separation of church and state.
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    benmel31benmel31 member
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    You are thanking your MOH and BM for standing up besides you.  If you don't want to spend a lot, I wouldn't, but I will still give each person something.  It is not about what they plan, do for you, or spend on you.  
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    jennylove810jennylove810 member
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    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_registering-gifts_give-gifts-moh-bm?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:34Discussion:ff94c16e-0d9c-4ef7-bdde-b7ee73622900Post:9116691e-b4c7-41a9-926c-31d285c82bad">Re: Do you have to give gifts to your MOH and BM?</a>:
    [QUOTE] And to "vsgal"; be careful being so judgemental. There are often cultural traditions that you may not be aware of. You don't know my reasons for our "elopement" and we are making my family and friends (AND my now husband and myself!) very happy by having a formal celebration. So it is not moot.
    Posted by cachtem[/QUOTE]

    I'm not gonna get involved with the debate here, but just FYI cachtem, you have no idea how many girls come on this website who get married in secret for one reason or another, then decide they want all the presents and the pretty princess day, so they plan themselves a big fancy shindig with attendants, a registry, full-out reception, etc etc, without telling a soul they're already married.  It gets to be a touchy subject, so I'm thinking that's where vsgal was coming from.
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    deepcovejackiedeepcovejackie
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    A stagette is Canadian for bachelorette.  Yes, I think you need to get your attendants a small gift, even a card and a gift certificate.
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    cmkunocmkuno
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    I would definitely get them something, even if it's small.  And a sincere thank you card.
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    Xan921Xan921
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    It really is 'the thought that counts' with this kind of stuff.  Like others have said, I'd get them something, but it doesn't have to be anything big, you could even make them each something.  One of the things I am giving to my bridesmaids are jewelry boxes that I've been working on at a local pottery store.  They don't look professional but they are personalized, and my girls will certainly get a kick out of them. 

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    cachtemcachtem member
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    Thanks again for all your suggestions. As I'm doing a pared-down, budget conscious wedding, I ordered my invitations on Vista Print (fingers crossed haha). While I was playing around on there, I found a good deal on a personalized notepad that is Perfect for one friend and some really classy personalized note cards for the other. I got on a bit of a roll, and also ordered a couple of cool personalized "Bridal Crew" tote bags too. I figured I could add a couple of extra little things that I know they'll like into the bags and give them as thank yous.

    Xan921: That is such a fantastic idea about the jewelry boxes! So wonderful that you're making them yourself. My artistic bone unfortunately only extends as far as computer graphics, but you're right about the thought being important. Enjoy your project!
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    HKD817HKD817
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    I say do what you want, but being part of a bridal party is expensive. Even if they aren't involved in throwing you any parties, they still have to buy a dress, shoes, pay for hair and makeup...it can be costly. I can only speak for myself but i would feel bad for not giving them a gift after all of that.
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    cachtemcachtem member
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    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_registering-gifts_give-gifts-moh-bm?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:34Discussion:ff94c16e-0d9c-4ef7-bdde-b7ee73622900Post:813e13b5-66db-423a-912e-e2db5253cb37">Re: Do you have to give gifts to your MOH and BM?</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Do you have to give gifts to your MOH and BM? : Huh, and here all my friends from mexico did it on the same day or within a day of each other, and didn't actually have a "ceremony" at the courthouse nor call it an elopement. <strong>Were they all doing it wrong</strong>?
    Posted by StageManager14[/QUOTE]

    Why does there have to be a right way and a wrong way to get married? We're doing it OUR way, and that's just fine with everybody who's involved. And again, this issue has nothing to do with my question, which I think has been sufficiently answered.
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