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FI is calling me bridezilla....what do you think?

A few nights ago at work I ran into my one of my BM's friends.  Come to find out he and his fiance are getting married the same day as me.  His wedding is at 6 and mine is at 7.  So yesterday my BM sent me a facebook msg asking what time my wedding is at so I told her.  She was like "you have to change it" so I told her it wasn't happening.  Then she proceeded to tell me that her friend's is at 6 so I responded by saying "well I guess you have a decision to make."  Funny how she stopped responding then.

I haven't gotten to talk to my mom about it yet, but I asked my MOH and another BM their thoughts on the conversation and they both agree that she knew they were both at night so how would she possibly think she could go to both, esp. being my BM.  And they also agree that if they were me they'd rather know now than down the line if she decides to back out.  Now I know that if she chooses him over me then she's not as good of a friend as I thought she was and I wouldn't want her in my bridal party if that's the case.  I know I still have a year to go and it will all work out in the end, but it's just bothering me.  FI is telling me I'm being a bridezilla and making a mountain out of a molehill (which is probably the case), but would you feel the same way?

Re: FI is calling me bridezilla....what do you think?

  • cdbishopcdbishop member
    Sixth Anniversary 500 Comments
    edited December 2011
    I don't think you are being a bridezilla.  She really shouldn't be asking you to change the time of your wedding.  I think you need to talk to her in a calm manner to tell her your feelings.  Say that you understand that her friend is getting married that day too, but you need to know whether she can take on the responsibilities of being a BM on your day.  I'm not sure what else should could do, it isn't like she could make it to both weddings.  

    I am assuming you are not friends with her friend, therefore it isn't causing other issues with people, but it isn't your fault that she happens to have two weddings on the same day.  Is she closer to you than this other friend?   
  • edited December 2011
    I think it's hard to know how reasonable you are being without seeing the actual messages, but it's definitely unrealistic of your friend to think she can be a BM in your wedding and also attend another wedding the same night.  And she can bring up that it's unfortunate that any mutual friends will have to choose between your weddings, but it's also not her place to ask you to change yours to make things more convenient for her.

    I think that if she wants to try to attend both weddings in some way, she can't be in your bridal party.  That is just being realistic.  But you should give her a chance to think things over and see what she says before bringing that up - if she ends up not being in your bridal party, after you already asked her and she said yes, it might ruin your friendship.  And maybe she thinks since you have a year to go (assuming she is not married herself) that it wouldn't be that hard for you to change that date - just trying to play devil's advocate here.
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  • Carebear62584Carebear62584 member
    1000 Comments Third Anniversary
    edited December 2011
    No there won't be issues with any other guests.  She was my roommate in college for 2 years so I've been friends with her since 2002.  She's been friends with him for about the same amount of time and he wanted her to help him look for rings when he was proposing. She got married in Dec and I was one of her BM's and he and his FI were one of 2 friend couples that were invited but not in the wedding party.   When I saw him we kind of joked around that she had to decide who was more important and he even said to me "you and her go way back, I understand"  so I don't think he's expecting her to go once he found out ours were on the same day.

    Our conversation about this was thru facebook messaging so I may be taking it the wrong way.  She and I haven't even seen each other since probably January so maybe that's why it's bothering me because it seems like we are drifting apart.  We live an hour away from each other and have opposite schedules and work even farther than that apart.  I guess maybe I'm just worried that we aren't as close as we were so I'm making this more of a big deal than it is?
  • edited December 2011
    Could you give her a call?  Sounds like it would be good for you guys to catch up anyway, and it might help clear things up more quickly.  Since you asked your bridal party so far out (over a year?) it may be inevitable that some relationships will change somewhat in that time.  But maybe the wedding will end up being an excuse for you guys to reconnect, as you get closer - I would also advise that if you call her, start with non-wedding related stuff so she doesn't feel like you only care about her being a bridesmaid, and not about her as a person.

    Also joking/sarcasm are tricky in print, so maybe she wasn't even being serious?

    Good luck!
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  • edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/local-wedding-boards_connecticut_fi-calling-bridezillawhat-think?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Local%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:65Discussion:6e5f1938-78c3-4cfd-9488-f70db1f7209ePost:ba4c7dd0-90d8-4fa7-a852-b09d975bad01">Re: FI is calling me bridezilla....what do you think?</a>:
    [QUOTE]No there won't be issues with any other guests.  She was my roommate in college for 2 years so I've been friends with her since 2002.  She's been friends with him for about the same amount of time and he wanted her to help him look for rings when he was proposing. She got married in Dec and I was one of her BM's and he and his FI were one of 2 friend couples that were invited but not in the wedding party.   When I saw him we kind of joked around that she had to decide who was more important and he even said to me "you and her go way back, I understand"  so I don't think he's expecting her to go once he found out ours were on the same day. <strong>Our conversation about this was thru facebook messaging</strong> so I may be taking it the wrong way.  She and I haven't even seen each other since probably January so maybe that's why it's bothering me because it seems like we are drifting apart.  We live an hour away from each other and have opposite schedules and work even farther than that apart.  I guess maybe I'm just worried that we aren't as close as we were so I'm making this more of a big deal than it is?
    Posted by Carebear62584[/QUOTE]<div>
    </div><div>Goodness facebook is such a problem sometimes, don't worry - some our nonsense has transpired via facebok too. </div><div>I don't think you're being irrational at all. I'd probably do the same thing. Though I would have called as soon as "you have to move it" was said. I guess I understand that she's trying to keep everyone happy and attend both weddings. This sounds so 3rd grade, but whose wedding was she asked to be in first? I don't believe a bride should ever change anything about their wedding in order to make anyone else happy, this situation included. And if she does "choose" the other person's wedding, I guess then you know that the energy wasn't worth it and it's probably best she chose the other. Don't let it ruin your planning or your day!

    </div>
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  • edited December 2011
    I don't think you are being a bridezilla.  The plans for your wedding are not up to her to dictate - you plan your own wedding around your own schedule, and as a BM it's her duty to either be in it or not.  You said it right - she has a decision to make, and since she is in the wedding party right now, if she plans to back out it's better to know sooner rather than later.

    However, I think electronic communications (text, e-mail, Facebook) can misconstrue things - facial cues, tones of voice, etc. are lost in translation, so I think it would be best to try to get in touch face to face or over the phone at least at this point to hash it out.
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  • LaurenG1986LaurenG1986 member
    10 Comments
    edited December 2011
    You are definitely not being a bridezilla!!! If she agreed to be one of your bridesmaids, she must have known about your wedding first, and in that case...it would be the right thing to just attend yours. It was rude of her to ask you to change your time!! I would just let her know that you will not be changing the date/time, she can make her choice, and you will understand, but you would like to know ahead of time.  Good Luck!!!
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  • Mona8Mona8 member
    1000 Comments Fourth Anniversary Name Dropper Combo Breaker
    edited December 2011
    I agree with PPs. I don't think you're being a bridezilla at all and can't believe she would actually ask you to change the time of your wedding. But I also think it's possible that maybe there was some miscommunication because of facebook. It's possible that she was joking, but I would definitely talk to her soon to clear things up and find out what she plans to do. Like others have said, if she ends up wanting to back out of your wedding then it's probably not someone you want standing with you on your big day anyways!  GL!
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  • Carebear62584Carebear62584 member
    1000 Comments Third Anniversary
    edited December 2011
    Thanks girls, as I said, I may just be taking it the wrong way since it was on facebook.  And I think part of why I was thinking that was because my birthday was on Saturday and I was a little upset that 2/5 of my BM's didn't even say happy birthday to me.  It wasn't surprising for one of them, but I have already seen her since and she told me she kept remembering but at odd times.  The other one (the one that this post is about) again sent me a msg via facebook 2 days later.  In that message I said we needed to get together anyway because it's been a while.  I'm going to try to let it blow over until I see her and casually bring it up (but not right away as one of you suggested).  I just know it will be a few weeks since I see her because she works Mon-Fri 9-5 and I work some weekdays and all weekend with a bachelorette/wedding thrown in there for FI's cousin 2 weeks in July. 

    Thank you for reassuring me that I wasn't being a bridezilla.  I always told FI to tell me if I was so I'm glad he did, but I think you have to be a bride to understand this one.  He's too easy going and things don't really bother him (which is a good thing)!!
  • rswan412rswan412 member
    500 Comments
    edited December 2011
    I know I'm late on this, but I agree with PP! Try to talk with her about it in person- and then decide- let us know how it goes :)
  • Melissa603Melissa603 member
    500 Comments Third Anniversary
    edited December 2011

    You definitely are not being a bridezilla and she never should have asked you to change your wedding because she has another friends wedding on the same day.  We have two friends wedding in two separate states in September. We simply have a choice to make. Try giving her a call before it goes too long.

  • edited December 2011
    It's YOUR wedding not hers, so a time change request is kind of insane. She just has a choice to make, which sounds like she did, probably for the best, your wedding your day your should be surrounded by people who want to be there and are happy to celebrate with you!
  • edited December 2011
    She asked you to change your time?? That comes off as very rude to me. Nope, you're not a bridezilla in my opinion. 
  • llinds7277llinds7277 member
    10 Comments
    edited December 2011
    I agree with what everyone is saying on this one... Not that this is exactly the same situation, but I have a really good guy friend who knew about my wedding and even offerred to videotape for me.  He found out a couple months later that his "best (girl) friend" from college was getting married the same day as me (I met my friend about 4 years ago when we started working together).  When he told me about it, I just said I understood if he wanted to go to his other friend's wedding, since they'd known each other longer and been really close before (but obviously I was hoping he'd come to mine, he's as close to a male bridesmaid as they come!)  Anyway, he made the right decision and decided to come to mine :)  Partly because he had agreed to video and mostly because he did know about mine first.  I think it's only fair...  Good luck!
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  • MuddyInsigniaMuddyInsignia member
    10 Comments
    edited December 2011
    haha, I just had a similar situation myself. We are having a very small wedding party, so we have asked a few more close friends to do some of the readings during our ceremony at the church. One friend who had agreed to do a reading (and has been involved with the planning since December) was vaguely invited to another wedding a few hours before mine on the same day. Like many of us, she loves weddings and wanted to see if she could try to fit them both in--but the more I thought about it, the more stressed I became. She had already told me she wanted to get her hair done with us, so I had put a deposit down for her. And like me, she tries to fit so much in, that I know she would stay as late as possible at the other wedding and run late to ours.

    The easiest way for me to deal with it, (after having talked it over with my FI) was to tell that she could either do a reading in my wedding and be a part of the wedding through the whole day, or be a happily welcome guest (not doing a reading) and fit in both weddings if she so chose to do so. It was just too much stress for me otherwise, and I would rather plan for it now than be stuck with a hard decision on my wedding day.

    We had a drink, talked it over, and it is all good right now. I am happy we spoke--I think it might likewise clear up if you talk one on one to her and are just honest and open with what will work for you and her.
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