Why my dad said No

pink.pre · May 2012

Hi Friends -

I suppose this might fit the bill as a "vent" but I think I'm more curious if anyone else has faced the same issue.

A year ago, my SO asked my mom and dad for permission to ask me to marry him and while my mom was thrilled, my dad said no!

He had asked them in secret because he wanted to surprise me with a proposal and after pondering that for a few weeks both he and my mom felt I should get involved. At first I was so excited that he was thinking of marriage - we had been together for three years at that point and while I had considered it, I didn't know he had. I was rightfully excited.

I didn't approach my dad right away because my SO and I decided it would be okay to wait a bit until I tried to talk to him. We let the issue rest. Fast forward a year later when SO gets the courage up to ask again (keep in mind I haven't spoken to my dad yet) and for the second time my dad said NO.

This upset me for many reasons. 1. I want to marry him. 2. I'm nearly 30. 3. Why can't my dad just support what I want and be happy for me?

So I ended up speaking to my dad, and he begrudingly agreed that SO could ask but only after tears and a little bit of yelling. There was no joy around it. I felt like I was robbed of the excitement and happiness that should have come with my SO asking for my hand.

My mom and sister are so so so excited and more than make up for my dad. But because of my dad, I feel that the whole surprise proposal element that I had dreamed of MY ENTIRE LIFE was taken away. It was supposed to be a happy and exciting time, right?

Perhaps I am being dramatic. Maybe not. Any thoughts?

P.S. Bright side to not being surprised - SO and I are designing a ring togther and he put a down payment on it today!!!

lavenderfields13 · May 2012

Have you asked your dad WHY he said no and doesn't support the two of you getting married? I don't think you're being dramatic. I would be very upset if my parents didn't support my relationship but at the end of the day this is a decision between you and your SO.
But there's got to be more to this.

audrewuh · May 2012

So, if you're as old as you say you are, you're a grown woman and cane make choices without your parents permission. This is why people are so split on "asking for permission". Did you not already have your mind made up as to what you would do if he said no? Also, you should have has the guts to talk to him about this over the last year if it really was that important. It sucks he's not happy, but I would be very concerned as to why my father is so up in arms about me marrying someone. My dad had reservations, but gave a blessing and after my dad and I had an adult conversation immediately following, he was on board 110 percent. What I'm saying is move on if you're planning to marry your bf, but I so emphatically encourage you to have an adult conversation with your dad about his concerns if its bothering you so much.

Ollie08 · May 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_why-my-dad-said-no?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:2e2e6473-7148-4cfa-b0a3-2bf75222e328Post:e18feff8-8f31-4b66-a744-31ceebed844f">Re:Why my dad said No</a>:
[QUOTE]So, if you're as old as you say you are, you're a grown woman and cane make choices without your parents permission. This is why people are so split on "asking for permission". Did you not already have your mind made up as to what you would do if he said no? Also, you should have has the guts to talk to him about this over the last year if it really was that important. It sucks he's not happy, but I would be very concerned as to why my father is so up in arms about me marrying someone. My dad had reservations, but gave a blessing and after my dad and I had an adult conversation immediately following, he was on board 110 percent. What I'm saying is move on if you're planning to marry your bf, but I so emphatically encourage you to have an adult conversation with your dad about his concerns if its bothering you so much.
Posted by audrewuh[/QUOTE]

ITA with all of this. Why is it that your father has said "No", not once,but twice? What's the big deal? Especially since your parents seem so split on the idea.

pink.pre · May 2012

I think that it was really sweet of my SO to ask my parents. I appreciate that he did. Despite my age, I wanted my parents to be happy with our decision.

I didn't speak to my dad about the conversation he had with my SO because he had a stroke shortly after conversation #1 and our family was going through a lot of other things surrounding his health, not because the issue wasn't pressing on my mind. That is why after my SO asked for the second time and my dad said No, I called him and tried to have a conversation with him about it.

I asked my dad that very question: Why was he saying no. He didn't really give me a straight answer even though I was very clear that this was what I wanted. When I spoke to my mom about it, she said it's because he still considers me "his little girl". I would be the first daughter to be getting engaged and married. Perhaps that is playing a role in his behavior? My parents are also first generation immigrants and my dad would definitely be considered old fashioned. They come from a place where arranged marriages are quite common.

You're all right though, I do want to know what his motivation was for saying No twice, and when I am home this summer, I will ask. I'm currently living across the country and so I haven't had the opportunity to have a proper sit down with him.

Thanks for weighing in - I appreciate it!

LilTexasGal · May 2012

I feel horrible saying this, but I am going to say it anyway - You brought this on yourself. You wanted Daddy's approval, and your SO asked, and Daddy said no. Whatever his reasons are, he said no. Now, as a grown adult you had a choice to make, go with what you wanted and get married despite your want for his blessing, or wait and hope that he gives it (which he may never willingly give).

You're not a little girl hanging on Daddy's coat tail asking permission to buy candy. You're a grown woman looking for your father's blessing in marriage. Personally I would show this fact to your father - let him know that his blessing is important to you, but that, as a grown woman, you're making the call to get married. If Daddy really has no other objections besides the fact that you're his "little girl" then there is no harm in it.

I have a friend, who's parents came here from India, who started dating a white guy, and when the guy asked Daddy for permission he said no (because he wasn't their religion, I believe). What did she do? She sent Daddy a post card from Vegas, letting him know she was married. (Trust me, coming from her family's culture that was a pretty ballsy move. Not sure how her relationship is with her family after that though...) Now, I don't suggest you do this, but seriously, this is your life, you need to just make your own choices. Don't ask us, don't ask your dad. Do what YOU want. Decide which is more important to you, sometimes there is never a happy middle - but I think most of the time parents come around , and at least accept the fact, if they don't have any real objections to a marriage.

pink.pre · May 2012

He has already agreed and said Yes. I'm sorry if that was unclear.

My reason behind this post was not to be blamed for asking my parents for their blessing. I was simply wondering if anyone else experienced something similar. I felt like the excitement was taken away from the whole engagement process because of a snag in the plan.

This hasn't been very helpful and I wish I could delete my original post. If anything posting on theknot has just made me more upset and less excited.

JBSMADA10 · May 2012

How has it not been helpful? Because PP haven't given you what you want to hear? You said any thoughts? People are giving their thoughts, learn to accept or don't post at all.

pink.pre · May 2012

I actually really appreciate everyone's thoughts...some have been kind and helpful. It just seems that people are primarily speaking to whether or not they agree with the decision to ask my parents. My dad and mom have both given us their approval. I was just wondering of anyone else got a no before they got a yes and if it affected their excitement. I was wondering if I should try to find out why it was a no at first...and I'm glad to hear varying opinions. I just don't want to feel blamed for asking my parents. My relationship with them matters to me. It's not about seeking approval, just support. I can't be the only person who feels that way. I thought this environment would connect me with girls in the same boat, or someone who might have handled a similar experience. Instead I feel like I have ostracized myself further, that's why I regret posting. That was not meant to offend anyone. Sorry!

audrewuh · May 2012

Take a step back. No one's trying to make you feel like an outsider. Like I mentioned in pp, people are very torn in this. Keep in mind we can only go off what you originally said. Thank you for clarifying dome details. That has helped me come to a better conclusion and I still encourage my previous advice. Sitting down with him when you go home may be a good decision, but I would be wary of not hearing what you want to hear from him. I hope he does honestly give his support to your marriage, but since he did have reservations at first, they may still linger. I'll elaborate a bit more on my situation. My dad saw our engagement coming for months and when FI told him he was going to ask me my dad just looked at him and said, okay, cool. The next week, I asked my dad what he thought and he expressed that he was concerned about how much FI loved me as we never displayed affection in front of my parents. That bothered him, but we talked about it and he was excited. Did it hurt that my dad questioned how much FI loved me? It hurt like hell. Do my dad and I now understand one another on an even deeper level? Yes. So be prepared to hear some hard things and good luck. I hope it goes well and that you and your bf are able to talk about this too.

pink.pre · May 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_why-my-dad-said-no?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:2e2e6473-7148-4cfa-b0a3-2bf75222e328Post:94b45dbb-9d3b-4149-b20e-6826f2a63b81">Re:Why my dad said No</a>:
[QUOTE]Take a step back. No one's trying to make you feel like an outsider. Like I mentioned in pp, people are very torn in this. Keep in mind we can only go off what you originally said. Thank you for clarifying dome details. That has helped me come to a better conclusion and I still encourage my previous advice. Sitting down with him when you go home may be a good decision, but I would be wary of not hearing what you want to hear from him. I hope he does honestly give his support to your marriage, but since he did have reservations at first, they may still linger. I'll elaborate a bit more on my situation. My dad saw our engagement coming for months and when FI told him he was going to ask me my dad just looked at him and said, okay, cool. The next week, I asked my dad what he thought and he expressed that he was concerned about how much FI loved me as we never displayed affection in front of my parents. That bothered him, but we talked about it and he was excited. Did it hurt that my dad questioned how much FI loved me? It hurt like hell. Do my dad and I now understand one another on an even deeper level? Yes. So be prepared to hear some hard things and good luck. I hope it goes well and that you and your bf are able to talk about this too.
Posted by audrewuh[/QUOTE]

<div>Thank you so much for this!!! </div><div>
</div><div>I really appreciate you sharing your personal story with me. I will definitely be having this conversation with my dad when I go home. I'm not certain my dad and I will see eye to eye, but I really feel like it might put his heart to ease if he really hears me out.</div><div>
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audrewuh · May 2012

I still caution you to be open with him that you completely plan on following through with your decision because you are a grown woman. Texas said it well when she said to be careful how you inform him you're going against his advice. Vegas isn't the answer here, especially since your mom is on board and excited. Oh, and you and bf will need to learn how to stand up for each other to your families if you are going to go through with this marriage. There aren't a lot of things more hurtful than when your SO won't stand up to their families for the sake of your new family. I hope that makes sense.

cu97tiger · May 2012

I do think it's a good idea for you to have another conversation with your dad, like in Audruwe's case, maybe your dad has some reservations for a particular reason. It can't hurt to hear him out. Communication in ANY relationship is a good idea.

kmmssg · May 2012

I also think you should chat with Dad again. Sounds like there are cultural issues going on, expecially if they come from a background that includes arranged marriages. Be firm and don't waiver, but another chat would be a good idea.

pink.pre · May 2012

Thanks a lot ladies. I appreciate the support and encouragement!

Why my dad said No

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