MIL (I typed that 3 times as FMIL)

mancila60 · June 2012

So as you all remember MIL is very sick and had been doing treatments for her liver and brain right before the wedding. Well the wedding weekend came and things were rocky. She has been wheelchair bound while outside of the house for a few weeks now (including the wedding.) The church is all stairs and we had to work out another way to honor her and seat her without her walking. She also didn't stay at the reception long. She went and ate had her dance with DH and then left once we cut the cake.

Now we are post-wedding and getting back to normal. As we have been back a little over a week now we are starting to see things going on with her that she has kept from us the last month due to the wedding being so close. Like I said before she is wheelchair bound when she leaves the house and would be at home but it is not accessible. Also she is doing anopther round of chemo for her liver. She just finished radiation on her brain the 1st week of May and ended radiation on her liver the 1st week of April. This chemo started the week of the wedding (May 19.)

She has been really week and is now on morphene for pain. Her eating is almost non-exsistent and she never wants to leave the house. Her vision is giving her lots of problems and her memory is really horrible.

DH and I have been talking a lot lately and we are not sure what to do. This has been so hard on us since it all came about so close to the wedding. We knew that she was coming up on the 3 year mark of being diagnosed with her cancer and so far everything has been somewhat normal so we expected it soon. She lives alone and can't get hospice for that reason.

We have a few options BUT the only one that truely makes sense is for her to move in with us. We are newlyweds and really don't want this. BIL refuses to do anything!!! He says it is her decision and he will not force her to do anything she doesn't want to do. Even if it is best and she may not be in her right mind. DH and I are so stressed and emotional right now. Trying to figure out what is best for her right now is very hard when we don't have any support from BIL and his wife.

At least if she moves in with us she can recieve hospice but if she goes on hospice she will no longer see her doctor and we will be preparing for the end. DH and I know she is at that point and we don't think she will make it to Christmas more than likely not the end of summer.

Prayers are appreciated and encouraged! Also any advice would be great! As fellow newlyweds how would you handle this situation??

AurorasEnvy · June 2012

Again, I am so sorry to hear that all this is happening. I was wondering about how she was doing. At this point it sounds to me like BIL and SIL don't want to be involved for whatever reason. Just how some people deal with difficult situations, unfortunately.

I know it is hard to make the decision, esp. when you are doing it for someone else, on whether to forego further treatments and choose to just make them as comfortable as you can & prepare for the end. I don't want to overstep my bounds, and maybe I don't know all the details, but as a neutral party it sounds like the quality of life for your MIL right now is very low, and I would imagine she might be in a lot of pain or at the very least uncomfortable with all the treatments she is going through. Just from watching and hearing about "the end" for other cancer patients and how terrible it is for the person passing, I might forego any more treatment. Just from way it sounds it is just a matter of time before she passes, and I guess if that were me or my MIL I wouldn't want her to spend what little time she has left at hospitals, doctor's offices, and sick from treatment.

As you've said, your MIL seems to be at that point and has accepted it. I think all you can do is support her decision. I know it isn't the most ideal way to spend your "newlywed" months, but I would probably have MIL move in with you with hospice care. It sounds terrible to say this, but it's not like she has Parkinson's or some other disease where she very well might live for years yet. You and your H will have the rest of your lives to enjoy your time together, and I think a few months of caring for your MIL is a small price to pay for a lifetime of her caring for your H. If I were in your situation, I would bite the bullet and do the right thing. I think down the road this is the decision you'll end up feeling best about - that you did everything you can to make her comfortable and her last few months meaningful.

Anyways, keep your chin up...T&P for you & your family.

bpphoto785 · June 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-club-boards_may-2012-weddings_mil-i-typed-that-3-times-as-fmil?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding Club BoardsForum:f0ca0bc1-9255-4120-8042-b40e7f3e99c5Discussion:db0c7cae-635d-47da-bffe-16397bb10d38Post:040616dd-b54e-4e38-bfe1-f87d8ad4bf57">Re: MIL (I typed that 3 times as FMIL)</a>:
[QUOTE] I<strong> know it isn't the most ideal way to spend your "newlywed" months, but I would probably have MIL move in with you with hospice care.</strong> It sounds terrible to say this, but it's not like she has Parkinson's or some other disease where she very well might live for years yet. <strong>You and your H will have the rest of your lives to enjoy your time together,</strong> and I think a few months of caring for your MIL is a small price to pay for a lifetime of her caring for your H. If I were in your situation, I would bite the bullet and do the right thing. <strong> I think down the road this is the decision you'll end up feeling best about - that you did everything you can to make her comfortable and her last few months meaningful</strong>. Anyways, keep your chin up...T&P for you & your family.
Posted by AurorasEnvy[/QUOTE]

THIS!! esp. the highlighted part.

I know it's not easy and definitely not ideal, but I think in the end you'll be grateful that you were able to spend her last few months with her and not have any regrets in the long run.

KissaC18 · June 2012

I agree with AurorasEnvy on this one. T&P to you and your family! I'm so sorry that you have to be put in this position.

mancila60 · June 2012

AurorasEnvy : Thank you so much for that! I really think that is exactly what I needed to hear and I knew in my heart. We have had so many people give us advice and I just feel like no one understands our situation with it being so unique in many ways and no one can 100% say they understand because they aren't us. What you said made perfect sense and actually made me feel so much better about the situation.

Thank you so much ladies for your advice it does truely help! This board has been my savior during these crazy times!

classykat22 · June 2012

I think AurorasEnvy is wise! Although having your MIL living with you might add some stress to your lives, considering the stress you are currently feeling, I honestly think it will give you some relief overall. You will know that your MIL is receiving care, that you are both there for her to support and help her, and when her days draw to a close, it will be comforting for all of you to be together in your home. You have been so strong through all of this and this last step only shows your ability to be strong even more. You are all in my T&P's and please know we are here for you anytime!

kimberlykh · June 2012

Agree with AurorasEnvy as well. I am so sorry that you are going through all of this. Thinking of you, your MIL, and your family. She's lucky to have you as her new DIL and I'm sure she knows it.

MsAmeera25 · June 2012

I agree 100% with Aurora. I know if it was my mom and I would want her with me during her last few months. Thoughts and prayers to you both.

AurorasEnvy · June 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-club-boards_may-2012-weddings_mil-i-typed-that-3-times-as-fmil?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20Club%20BoardsForum:f0ca0bc1-9255-4120-8042-b40e7f3e99c5Discussion:db0c7cae-635d-47da-bffe-16397bb10d38Post:eef88b03-787c-4d7c-bafd-90e0a6d87766">Re: MIL (I typed that 3 times as FMIL)</a>:
[QUOTE]AurorasEnvy : Thank you so much for that! I really think that is exactly what I needed to hear and I knew in my heart. We have had so many people give us advice and I just feel like no one understands our situation with it being so unique in many ways and no one can 100% say they understand because they aren't us. What you said made perfect sense and actually made me feel so much better about the situation. Thank you so much ladies for your advice it does truely help! This board has been my savior during these crazy times!
Posted by mancila60[/QUOTE]

<div>No problem! Keep us updated. I'm sure your H will be very grateful to you for being on board, and I think your marriage will only be better for it. </div>

mandi921vh · June 2012

I agree as well. It isn't ideal, but life doesn't always turn out the way we expect it to. I will keep you and your family in my thoughts!

vineyard12 · June 2012

I 100% agree with Aurora. It isn't going to be easy, but you and DH have each other to lean on. I would do the same thing if this were my parent, to make sure that they were well taken care of and made as comfortable as possible. It's certainly not an ideal situation, but you'll feel better about it in the end and you won't feel guilty that you didn't do enough for her. Good luck to to you and your DH. My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family. Please keep us updated, and we're always here!

[Deleted User] · June 2012

100% agreement here. From reading the story before the wedding it seems to that you and DH were providing a lot of care already. Certainly having your MIL live with you so soon after your wedding is not ideal, but none of the situation can be called ideal. I can only promise T&P your way as you work to do what is best for you, DH & MIL.

MIL (I typed that 3 times as FMIL)

Re: MIL (I typed that 3 times as FMIL)

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