New and an awkward question

akatz821 · June 2011

Hi everyone! I am so glad that I just found this board; it is nice to see other Christian brides! I have kind of an awkward question for my first post, but don't feel comfortable asking any of my friends in real life .

I am getting married in October, and until the wedding, my FI and I have agreed to only have small kisses on the mouth (no making out). While it has been hard to refrain from going further, I think that it has really helped us to have such clear boundaries about what is okay and what is not.

But this makes me more than a little nervous about the wedding night!! It seems very intimidating to go from barely kissing to sex in one day. For those that did not do much physically before your wedding, did you have sex on your wedding night? Or if not, how long did it take for you to get to that point. I feel like I have been waiting my whole life for my wedding night, but now that it is so close, I realize how scary it seems.

THANKS!!

[Deleted User] · June 2011

you definitely don't have to have sex the first night!!! FI and I have talked about it, and it's not something I think I'll be comfortable with, so he is totally fine with letting me set the pace of when I'm ready to do something. have you talked to your FI about being nervous/scared? I have anxiety about it due to some awful things happening when I was younger and had some medical issues. I've asked a few of my married friends and most of them said that they finally had sex anywhere from a few days to a week or more after the wedding.

you have the rest of your lives to get to that point, so don't rush it. and you should read Sheet Music. FI and I are reading it together, and we discuss what we've read and what we think. it's a little embarrassing, but it made me feel SO MUCH BETTER about the whole thing. it's really nice knowing what he expects, what I expect, and how we can work to make both of us feel happy and comfortable.

we do kiss and hug and touch (but not creepy-touch) a lot. we both are big on affection, so it won't be quite so weird for us to go from kissing to sex. and like I said, talking about sex and what we expect really helped ease my anxiety and nervousness.

LittleBigO · June 2011

Good for you for waiting!! There's nothing to be nervous about, I promise. I know it's kind of scary though. DH and I didn't wait (sadly, and now we both so wish we had) but I know a lot of the other girls recommend stretching out that muscle before-hand. Also, take it really sloooooooooooow. And the less you stress, the less it'll hurt. I hope that helps!! Don't feel bad at all for being nervous - it's perfectly normal.

Welcome to the board!!

[Deleted User] · June 2011

my OBGYN said that he probably shouldn't use more than his fingers for the first few times, and hopefully it'll keep my anxiety from getting out of control.

she didn't mention anything about stretching it out. she also said that I didn't need to have anything done and that it looked "fine to her". so... how is this done? if it's TMI, you can PM me.

sessionswedding · June 2011

EMILY! WE NEED YOU!

We have a recent bride on here who didn't even kiss her DH on the lips until the wedding ceremony, she's the perfect one to ask!

fpaemp2011 · June 2011

My DH and I waited until our wedding to kiss at all and ended up having sex on the wedding night. We had in our minds that it would be totally awkward, and while we are both still learning, it's absolutely beautiful.

It did hurt the first few times and right now we're on our abstinence "week" with NFP so it will probably hurt when we start back up again, but we're learning how to deal with that, as well.

We've talked about it a few times, and we're both glad we were able to on that night because we would have been stressing about it traveling the next day.

sessionswedding · June 2011

^ And that's Emily. It's like I held up the Bat signal or something, lol!

StacyJenniges · June 2011

I got a book called "Sheet Music" it's by Dr Kevin Lehman. I think it would be a great read for you.

We are in a bit of a different situation, I have become closer to God since meeting my fiance and all though we will be sharing that intimacy together for the first time on our wedding night and it is our first time together, it will not be my first time. Even so I can understand your fears. Feel free to PM me if you have any questions.

fpaemp2011 · June 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/cultural-wedding-boards_christian-weddings_new-awkward-question?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Cultural%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:464687ae-7bc1-4360-9aea-999e11f1e1adDiscussion:9c44bd41-2084-4764-8ebf-fcb585311747Post:38393da1-de57-4954-9e17-b5b9a564cb17">Re: New and an awkward question</a>:
[QUOTE]I got a book called "Sheet Music" it's by Dr Kevin Lehman. I think it would be a great read for you.
Posted by StacyJenniges[/QUOTE]
EXCELLENT book. There were some parts DH and I didn't agree with, but the advice is good and it's very candid--not too clinical or dry.

akatz821 · June 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/cultural-wedding-boards_christian-weddings_new-awkward-question?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Cultural Wedding BoardsForum:464687ae-7bc1-4360-9aea-999e11f1e1adDiscussion:9c44bd41-2084-4764-8ebf-fcb585311747Post:082cc060-41e2-436b-87b7-7a75fa682c17">Re: New and an awkward question</a>:
[QUOTE]a lot of the other girls recommend stretching out that muscle before-hand. Posted by LittleBigO[/QUOTE]

Can you explain this?? I have never heard about it before, and my OBGY didn't mention it at all.

Thanks for all the responses!! It's nice to have found this board!!

FaithCaitlin · June 2011

FI and I planned on waiting but things changed for us. We have had sex for about 4 years now (we are happy with our decision but understand it's not for everyone!) . My best advice- go slow and don't jump right into sex. Be sure to kiss, snuggle, etc before and perhaps let him use his fingers before actual intercourse. This will make things more comfortable for you both. Sorry if that's TMI! Things will be a bit awkward but I promise your first time is wonderful. I have no personal experience with the stretching but I would recommend it for sure! That's what hurts and it left me uncomfortable for about a week. This is something to definitely talk to your FI about! Don't be embarrassed or nervous!

akatz821 · June 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/cultural-wedding-boards_christian-weddings_new-awkward-question?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Cultural Wedding BoardsForum:464687ae-7bc1-4360-9aea-999e11f1e1adDiscussion:9c44bd41-2084-4764-8ebf-fcb585311747Post:be55ef40-0309-47e5-bdda-3eab87915d72">Re: New and an awkward question</a>:
[QUOTE]My DH and I waited until our wedding to kiss at all and ended up having sex on the wedding night. Posted by fpaemp2011[/QUOTE]

Was it a weird transition? I have this horror image in my head of us getting to the hotel room, and both looking at each other and just standing there not knowing what to do... It sounds weird, but I really can't even picture us having sex <img src="http://cdn.cl9.vanillaforums.com/downloaded/ver1.0/content/scripts/tinymce/plugins/emotions/images/smiley-embarassed.gif" border="0" alt="Embarassed" title="Embarassed" /> I know that I am excited for it, but it just seems...weird.

We have talked about it a lot and both agreed that we have no expectation of that night, but it is comforting to hear about others experiences. The majority of my friends IRL are not waiting, so they don't quite understand my fears.

OliviaD7712 · June 2011

I also recommend Sheet Music. It was great to talk about with FI. As for the stretching, I actually had a Dr appointment yesterday and my gyno said not to worry about it her words exactly were "God made your body to do this, it is a learning process and won't be easy at first." Don't worry and just do what feels right that night. Hope that helps!!!

fpaemp2011 · June 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/cultural-wedding-boards_christian-weddings_new-awkward-question?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Cultural%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:464687ae-7bc1-4360-9aea-999e11f1e1adDiscussion:9c44bd41-2084-4764-8ebf-fcb585311747Post:95b55c25-7b4a-4d10-82e8-f297a224af74">Re: New and an awkward question</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: New and an awkward question : Was it a weird transition? I have this horror image in my head of us getting to the hotel room, and both looking at each other and just standing there not knowing what to do... It sounds weird, but I really can't even picture us having sex I know that I am excited for it, but it just seems...weird. We have talked about it a lot and both agreed that we have no expectation of that night, but it is comforting to hear about others experiences. The majority of my friends IRL are not waiting, so they don't quite understand my fears.
Posted by akatz821[/QUOTE]
It's defintely taken some getting used to...going from totally modest and totally restrained to totally naked and consumated in just a few hours can throw you for a loop.

We did a premarital class based on "Saving Your Marriage Before It Starts" and it has a week of homework that opens the discussion about sex. It talks about myths, what the other gender has been taught in school and church and what to expect at the beginning.

I knew it would hurt and there would probably be some bleeding, but DH wasn't prepared for how much there would actually be. He felt bad about hurting me, and it took a little bit of time to convince him that this was how God designed it.

After we "did it" we took a shower together. It was at that moment that both of us started laughing and realized that we had gone from 2 kids meeting in English class to naked, consumated, and showering in less than 3 years. It's still weird to roll over in bed and have him there, but great at the same time.

I knew about hymen stretching from Sheet Music, but my doctor didn't mention anything about needing it at my exam. Doing kegel exercises (you can google it...cautiously) can help strengthen the vaginal muscles. If you can't use/have difficulty using tampons, you may want to talk to your dr about stretching or have an open conversation with your FI about taking it really slow in the beginning.

Lubricant is your best friend. If you plan on using condoms or latex diaphragms for BC, though, be cautious about the type of lubricant you buy. Some of them can break down the latex and make the barrier useless. Also be aware that you may have a sensitivity to some of them, so you may want to try some different varities before the honeymoon to see if you have a reaction to them. You may also want to talk to your FI about him trying the ones you don't react to, as well. An allergic reaction on the HM is not my idea of fun.

iamjoesgurl · June 2011

One thing that helped for DH and me was to get a room with a jacuzzi. We got back to the hotel, fired up the jacuzzi and got in. We weren't sure if we would feel up to having sex that night so the intention was just to relax and get to know each other's bodies. It was wonderful after having such a long day to just be able to relax together.

If you do this, you will probably figure out if you are ready that night and if not, no big deal. Just snuggle up in bed together for the night. If you are ready, I would recommend (like other posters) that you take it slow, spend time exploring each others' bodies, enjoy kissing and other more intimate touching and have lubrication to make it more comfortable for you. Most important tip - communicate to each other throughout.

For some ladies, there is pain and bleeding and for other ladies, there is not. It really just depends on your body. Like someone else said, try to stay relaxed and it will be more enjoyable.

akatz821 · June 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/cultural-wedding-boards_christian-weddings_new-awkward-question?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Cultural Wedding BoardsForum:464687ae-7bc1-4360-9aea-999e11f1e1adDiscussion:9c44bd41-2084-4764-8ebf-fcb585311747Post:0cf86095-b688-479b-be91-c4a3ade9e93a">Re: New and an awkward question</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: New and an awkward question : It's defintely taken some getting used to...going from totally modest and totally restrained to totally naked and consumated in just a few hours can throw you for a loop. Posted by fpaemp2011[/QUOTE]

[QUOTE]It was at that moment that both of us started laughing and realized that we had gone from 2 kids meeting in English class to naked, consumated, and showering in less than 3 years. Posted by fpaemp2011[/QUOTE]

It's good to hear your experience!! It definately makes me feel a little better. THANKS!

GJones27 · June 2011

I think it really depends on you and your DH. How does he feel on the subject? There are people on here who were able to, and there are others who couldn't. It depends on how tired you are, whether DH accepts taking it slow, and what your health and physical condition is (and you don't really know until it's your wedding night). I definitely understand how you feel, though... that's how I had felt.

joie424 · June 2011

You've gotten some great advice

just wanted to weigh in and say our first time was on our wedding night and it actually didn't hurt hardly at all - everyone is completely different from each other. Lubricant is your best friend. And don't feel awkward or ashamed its totally normal. Things may be awkward at first but you'll be with your best friend and it'll be wonderful

AnnaW11 · June 2011

I had a similar experience to joyful bride. I am usually really sensitive and was expecting it to be really painful, but it was more uncomfortable than painful the first couple minutes. I also either didn't bleed or didn't bleed that much, so I don't know why that was (I wasn't previously sexually active), but I know that happens with some women. We actually didn't really need lube, especially on the honeymoon (although we took it). But that is probably due to my cycle because the honeymoon was around my ovulation, so that made things a lot easier.

FI and I did kiss a lot before we got married, but we still had a lot of lines to cross on the wedding night. I had never seen FI with his shirt off before that (not at a pool/beach/etc) and I am really modest. He had to kind of help me through some of the process when I would get nervous. Probably the best thing that helped me was remembering that this was something that glorified God and he delighted in. Then we I could feel myself get tense I would say to myself "relax" and take some deep breaths. Sounds simple and silly but it helped me.

I definitely understand the worry though, I was pretty anxious. But I think a lot of that (at least for me) went away in the days leading up to the wedding, by then I was ready to go!

I agree with talking to him about your worries, it can be really comforting. And definitely take your time, we took around 3-4 hours after the wedding to build up to it.

mrandmrsbrist · June 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/cultural-wedding-boards_christian-weddings_new-awkward-question?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Cultural%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:464687ae-7bc1-4360-9aea-999e11f1e1adDiscussion:9c44bd41-2084-4764-8ebf-fcb585311747Post:e3df4af5-9878-46cd-82bb-5737f8ee887b">Re: New and an awkward question</a>:
[QUOTE]^ And that's Emily. It's like I held up the Bat signal or something, lol!
Posted by sessionswedding[/QUOTE]

She's pretty good at answering the Bat signal. I gave it yesterday and she showed up within minutes. :)

kalizoomba · June 2011

FI and I have already talked about this, and we agreed that we will not do anything wedding night if either of us don't want it. So if I feel too uncomfortable, we won't do it, or if he feels too uncomfortable we don't do it. Of course, cuddling and kissing and all that fun stuff is stilll....well fun!

I got the book Sheet Music, and what I've read seems good, but you're not supposed to read past chapter 4 until after you're married, so it doesn't really help THAT much.

[Deleted User] · June 2011

kali - we went ahead and read it. we're rule-breakers.

sessionswedding · June 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/cultural-wedding-boards_christian-weddings_new-awkward-question?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Cultural Wedding BoardsForum:464687ae-7bc1-4360-9aea-999e11f1e1adDiscussion:9c44bd41-2084-4764-8ebf-fcb585311747Post:120e66c6-d3ae-4463-9a59-14834d1ecf7d">Re: New and an awkward question</a>:
[QUOTE]kali - we went ahead and read it. we're rule-breakers. ;)
Posted by CocoBellaF[/QUOTE]
This. I read it all the way through, FI didn't want to read it.

amongthelilies25 · June 2011

first off - emily, i adore you!!!! (: my heart is just soo proud of you for waiting and how beautiful waiting is!

(:

everyone pretty much answered everything... i am going to read sheet music too! i showed FI and he wasn't interested in reading it.. but i am excited to read it.

we did not wait... but when we left for school we recommitted our purity to God and have been waiting for everything ever since (so about a year now.. and have 2 months to go!) so we know we will have sex on our wedding night. and we also know what a BLESSED thing it will be! (:

Relax and remember that communication is key!!!! (:

djhar - i am going to check out that website too! thanks!

oh! and welcome to the board... hope to see you around more! (:

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