Seriously....Ahhh ::Pulling hair out::

cutie02girl · May 2010

Ok so lately I feel like its been one battle after another. I hate talking to my friends about things he and I fight about b/c they tend to hold grudges for me and resent him for things in OUR relationship. Sometimes I wonder if we fight too much, or if our fights, are just petty phases all relationships go thru. He bought a house in November, we moved in together and ever since our relationship has been so hard. Living with someone altogether is hard, I know this, combining two peoples lifestyles into one home is difficult no matter who you are. Patience has been running really thin lately and it seems like everything he does is just annoying to me right now. Relationships in general take work, so I'm trying very hard to keep that in mind and I don't doubt my love for him or doubt that I want to marry him so I'm not having second thoughts. And I know that as the years go on and things change there will always be another problem and another disagreement... but when I see all these relationships around me it just feels like nobody else disagrees with things the way we do. Please remind me how arguing is normal in a relationship... thanks for "listening" girls!!!

Narwhal · May 2010

I'm under the inclination to think that arguing is not normal. Disagreeing is normal. But fighting all the time? Not normal.

sapphirebaby926 · May 2010

Yeah DH and I definitely don't fight all the time although we do have disagreements from time to time and we've only had a handful of real arguements. If I'm understanding this right you've been fighting for nearly 6 months now? I mean what are you fighting about? And are they all out screaming matches (not productive in any relationship BTW) or just disagreements? Or somewhere inbetween?

MidniteRae · May 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_seriouslyahhh-pulling-hair-out?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:136Discussion:c38cff49-23b5-452d-b858-86ddc4ae5c08Post:948a78fa-ee3e-439e-a88b-6f1b1566c76b">Seriously....Ahhh ::Pulling hair out::</a>:
[QUOTE]Ok so lately I feel like its been one battle after another. I hate talking to my friends about things he and I fight about b/c they tend to hold grudges for me and resent him for things in OUR relationship. Sometimes I wonder if we fight too much, or if our fights, are just petty phases all relationships go thru. He bought a house in November, we moved in together and ever since our relationship has been so hard. Living with someone altogether is hard, I know this, combining two peoples lifestyles into one home is difficult no matter who you are. Patience has been running really thin lately and it seems like everything he does is just annoying to me right now. Relationships in general take work, so I'm trying very hard to keep that in mind and I don't doubt my love for him or doubt that I want to marry him so I'm not having second thoughts. And I know that as the years go on and things change there will always be another problem and another disagreement... but when I see all these relationships around me it just feels like nobody else disagrees with things the way we do. Please remind me how arguing is normal in a relationship... thanks for "listening" girls!!!
Posted by cutie02girl[/QUOTE]

Moving in together is a huge step and sometimes can break/contribute to the end of a relationship. How old are you two and how long have you been dating? Do you two fight with screaming matches or are they just constant disagreements? What do you guys fight about? Is it stuff that has to do with the house and who does what?

cutie02girl · May 2010

No not screaming matches, we've definitely learned that that doesn't get you anywhere, except fighting in circles. Its more like, we're soooo super busy right now that during the week things are great then as soon as the weekend hits and all our plans are one thing after another we just can't get along.

For instance, I'm in 3 weddings in the next 90 days, my sister is pregnant with triplets due first week in July (in the middle of the 3 weddings),and I have 2 new God-daughters born within the past month and a half... my weekends are jam packed with bridal showers, bachelorette parties, weddings, babies, babies, babies.. not to mention work and possibly a life of my own... so every little thing now is starting to annoy me, not just with him but with everyone, he just seems to take the brunt of it b/c I see him more (not a valid excuse at all!! I realize this). But in my exhaustedness and constant schedule, I'm getting frustrated with things that never bothered me before.

His biggest beef is that in our move, my things were all kind of thrown together, and honestly I just haven't had time to sit down and sort thru all my old stuff (ie old pics etc). I was with my ex for 6 years and as FI was unpacking some of my boxes (trying to relieve some stress for me), he found some old pictures of my ex. FI and I are both 26, and have been together for a year and a half, ex and I have been split for 4 years now, I HONESTLY didn't know those pictures were in there. Ex is also in one of the weddings with me and him and I agreed LONG LONG ago to let the past be the past and we've been able to remain friends, so that hasn't helped matters any. So when FI wants to sit and talk about things to just get things off his mind, I'm just annoyed and not wanting to deal with it all.

As I'm typing this I'm realizing how ridiculous we sound...

MidniteRae · May 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_seriouslyahhh-pulling-hair-out?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:136Discussion:c38cff49-23b5-452d-b858-86ddc4ae5c08Post:15172c2a-67f6-4c61-8464-d5755042993e">Re: Seriously....Ahhh ::Pulling hair out::</a>:
[QUOTE]No not screaming matches, we've definitely learned that that doesn't get you anywhere, except fighting in circles. Its more like, we're soooo super busy right now that during the week things are great then as soon as the weekend hits and all our plans are one thing after another we just can't get along. For instance, I'm in 3 weddings in the next 90 days, my sister is pregnant with triplets due first week in July (in the middle of the 3 weddings),and I have 2 new God-daughters born within the past month and a half... my weekends are jam packed with bridal showers, bachelorette parties, weddings, babies, babies, babies.. not to mention work and possibly a life of my own... so every little thing now is starting to annoy me, not just with him but with everyone, he just seems to take the brunt of it b/c I see him more (not a valid excuse at all!! I realize this). But in my exhaustedness and constant schedule, I'm getting frustrated with things that never bothered me before. His biggest beef is that in our move, my things were all kind of thrown together, and honestly I just haven't had time to sit down and sort thru all my old stuff (ie old pics etc). I was with my ex for 6 years and as FI was unpacking some of my boxes (trying to relieve some stress for me), he found some old pictures of my ex. FI and I are both 26, and have been together for a year and a half, ex and I have been split for 4 years now, I HONESTLY didn't know those pictures were in there. Ex is also in one of the weddings with me and him and I agreed LONG LONG ago to let the past be the past and we've been able to remain friends, so that hasn't helped matters any. So when FI wants to sit and talk about things to just get things off his mind, I'm just annoyed and not wanting to deal with it all. <strong>As I'm typing this I'm realizing how ridiculous we sound...
</strong>Posted by cutie02girl[/QUOTE]

For the part I bolded-- good.
But anyways, it sounds like he wants to talk about things and you are stressed out to the max which isn't making the situation any better. Does he realize that you are under stress or does he think that you are just putting off talking about pictures of the ex? You really need to make time for yourself to relax, not only for your health and sanity, but for your BF's as well.

cutie02girl · May 2010

Yeah he does realize I'm under a lot of stress, and honestly, he has been SUCH an amazing help... he has set up tables, addressed envelopes, went shopping with me, etc... but the whole 'ex' factor has just put him on edge I think.

I truly do just need a break. Tonight I turned off my phone and decided to just take a night of just me and The Knot while FI plays his COD on Xbox Live. Its been easier to just not talk about it tonight as this whole week has just been so stressful at work for the both of us. I know I need to address the situation at hand I'm just so worn out that I don't have it in me. I know the questions he's going to ask b/c he doesn't understand how ex and I can still just be friends, so he keeps asking why I still had pics of him 4 years later.

Ahhh... tonight has been a "give me a glass of wine" kind of night... hopefully tomorrow is a better day.

PS. do you think that cutting out of a bridal shower early is super rude of me? I have had 7 showers (bridal and baby) in the past 3 weeks, I'm about showered out. I have another on Sunday and quite honestly, between setting up, tearing down, and the party inbetween (with talking after usually) they've been running at least 6 hours. I don't mind setting up or tearing down but 6 hours of all of it is really getting to me.

desertsun · May 2010

You need to sit down and talk together about the importance of finding time for the two of you to be together and enjoy one on one time, doing something fun or relaxing together.

You also need to come up with some strategies for resolving the frustrations you're both dealing with together. For example, if the house stuff is driving him batty, you need to say no to something for other people. If him being on you about little stuff is making you crazy, he needs to give you one chore at a time and a specific time frame for completing it.

But my main point is that your SO needs to be a priority, regardless of how much other stuff is going on.

katanne9 · May 2010

We don't really argue very often. We have difficult, honest conversations when we're upset, but nothing that lingers past a day.

If you want to overcome this you need to make some serious quality time for the two of you to work through things. Skip a shower, say no to the triplets and godchildren. If you're going to marry this man he should be your top priority if things are rocky. Right now, it sounds like he is taking the back seat.

Also, chances are he wasn't actually upset about the photos of your ex. I would guess that it was a launching pad for everything that seems to be going on between the two of you.

MidniteRae · May 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_seriouslyahhh-pulling-hair-out?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:136Discussion:c38cff49-23b5-452d-b858-86ddc4ae5c08Post:0fa44029-fd3d-4a39-a6f2-91d928743f3e">Re: Seriously....Ahhh ::Pulling hair out::</a>:
[QUOTE]Yeah he does realize I'm under a lot of stress, and honestly, he has been SUCH an amazing help... he has set up tables, addressed envelopes, went shopping with me, etc... but the whole 'ex' factor has just put him on edge I think. I truly do just need a break. Tonight I turned off my phone and decided to just take a night of just me and The Knot while FI plays his COD on Xbox Live. Its been easier to just not talk about it tonight as this whole week has just been so stressful at work for the both of us. I know I need to address the situation at hand I'm just so worn out that I don't have it in me. I know the questions he's going to ask b/c he doesn't understand how ex and I can still just be friends, so he keeps asking why I still had pics of him 4 years later. Ahhh... tonight has been a "give me a glass of wine" kind of night... hopefully tomorrow is a better day. PS. do you think that cutting out of a bridal shower early is super rude of me? I have had 7 showers (bridal and baby) in the past 3 weeks, I'm about showered out. I have another on Sunday and quite honestly, between setting up, tearing down, and the party inbetween (with talking after usually) they've been running at least 6 hours. I don't mind setting up or tearing down but 6 hours of all of it is really getting to me.
Posted by cutie02girl[/QUOTE]

Am I right to assume that him and his exes never ended on good terms which kept them from being friends afterwards? Or is he the type of person that thinks exes should be exes and nothing more? Maybe the pictures made him think that you still have feelings for your ex. If you ex is not causing any problems within your relationship with your BF(other than being friends and the whole picture thing) I see nothing wrong with you being friends with your ex. I know you are worn out, but you are going to need to have this conversation with him sooner or later--preferably sooner because the longer you wait, the more fighting/disagreements there will probably be.
In my opinion, I do not think it is rude to leave a shower early, but there will be some people who do think it is rude. Spending 6+ hours at a shower practically every weekend is a lot. I'm sure the bride/soon to be mother will understand.
Just relax and try to enjoy your night tonight and hopefully your BF gets out some of his frustration while playing COD. If you ever need to talk, feel free to message me.

sapphirebaby926 · May 2010

First off holy crap triplets?? Congrats for your sister but I can't imagine having that many babies in my belly at one time : )

I agree with the PP's here - you really need to find some time where it's just you and BF where you can talk and have some quality time. I really don't have anything to add that the others haven't already said

cutie02girl · May 2010

Hahah... yes, TRIPLETS. 2 boys and a girl. I'm SUPER excited to be an aunt, and triplets is just cool, especially since they aren't mine

Thank you for all the advice girls. I can't express to you enough how much I appreciate it.

FI and I have a 2 hour drive to a birthday party tomorrow so I plan on taking advantage of that time and talking to him about whats bothering him and how we can fix it.

I'm so thankful for The Knot, thanks again girls.

KD+BC · May 2010

Can I also suggest some sort of stress management for you? Just from reading through this it seems to me that you are stressed to the max and it might not even be anything involving your bf. A few years ago I was in a really rough place and every little thing stressed me out. I saw a counselor and learned ways to manage my stress. Things like writing in a journal. Going for a walk with nothing but my thoughts. Basically taking time to work out my thoughts by myself.

I agree with PP. It is ok to say no from time to time. Turn down a couple things and get your house and relationship under control. GL

musikbx · May 2010

I won't comment on the frequency of your arguments, or the moving in thing... the other girls did a good job addressing your concerns.

I would like to add that when you do have arguments, it's best not to tell your family and/or friends about them. They don't understand the dynamic of your relationship... and often times if you tell them, they will continue to be upset about something that the two of you have already worked through.

paintgirl · May 2010

Repeat after me: NO. Now say that to somebody (not your BF) who wants something from you. I know you're stuck with the current commitments but start learning the value of your time - and insanity!

PS It takes some people DECADES to learn this, so don't feel bad if you stumble a few times. Ask your BF for some help, if he's good with time management.

notquiteblushing · May 2010

Hi I so could have written the post about being stressed always going to weddings or showers cuz that's me too. But don't take out your frustration on your BF/FI. Don't go to every single event if you don't have time. Leaving a shower early is sort of rude to be honest.

And moving in together is a big adjustment and there are bound to be space issues and lack of alone time leading to disagreements...but your guy getting pissed about pictures of you and your ex from (I'm guessing) your teens is over the top. Tell him to get over it because you have.

Good luck!

shannie11 · May 2010

I think you need to schedule a date night. That is just the two of you. No stressing about what is going on with everyone else. I don't think it would be rude to leave a bridal party early as long as you aren't IN the bridal party. It is ok to say no to a birthday party, just send the gift if you feel guilty, Your relationship needs time just as much as you need your "me" time. You may feel guilty saying no but with so many invites, it could put a very big strain on your relationship. I found pictures of my boyfriends ex when we first moved in together as well. I helped him move. I was a little jealous at first but took the time to realize that there were a bunch of other pictured from his past too. When we moved into our second place, he had gotten rid of them all. If he knows you love him then the pics won't really matter as long as you talk about it.

catemeg · May 2010

It sounds like he's feeling a little underappreciated in your life right now, and you're stressed and just want him to understand.

Try doing something really sweet for him - all those nice things you said about how supportive he's been might be something that would be nice for him to hear.

When my guy gets stressed, I buy a bunch of cheesy cards (ones that will make him laugh, not puke from the ridiculous sappiness) and write messages in it reminding him why I love him or why he's good for me and how much I appreciate him. It always seems to break up tense moments and makes things a little easier. He's kept every one, and by now that's probably dozens.

Also, whenever we start fighting over something dumb, we both agree we need a cuddle and just go lay down and hug each other and not talk for a few minutes. Reminding ourselves that we LIKE to be together often helps with any pointless stress-induced bickering.

Seriously....Ahhh ::Pulling hair out::

Re: Seriously....Ahhh ::Pulling hair out::

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