Not sure what to do?

shanding4787 · June 2012

So, my fiancee and I are paying for the wedding ourselves...well most of it. There are a few things his parents are paying for (our band and photobooth) but it's because THEY want those things. Anyways, his mom is starting to get kinda pushy about paying for other things and it's really bothering me. My parents aren't very well off so they obviously can't contribute monetarily to the wedding which is FINE with me. They were a little hurt when they found out his parents were paying for some stuff...they feel like they are letting me down. I try not to let them know when his parents pitch in, but my fiancee's mom doesnt seem to get the picture when I tell her to keep it to herself. Like at our engagement party, my mom and dad gave us a card with $20 in it...his mom walks over and hands us a card with $100 in it...The look on my dad's face hurt so much...or when I told her my mom wanted to make my bridesmaid's bouquets she told me that was nonsense and that she'd personally pay for real flowers. .. I've tried talking to her and telling her she needs to be relax about things cuz it's upsetting my parents but she doesn't seem to get it. She thinks I'm being silly... but hearing my dad tell me how much he hated himself for not being able to help out with our wedding just about broke my heart.

Summer2011Bride · June 2012

I'd have FI talk to his mom about this since what you're saying obviously isn't working with her. FI needs to be blunt and just tell her to cut it out. What she's doing is rude and uncalled for and it sounds like she just wants to flaunt her money around.

After having FI talk to her, I would stop talking wedding with FMIL at all. Just don't bring it up around her. Politely decline her financial help if you don't want her running the show and also politely decline her insistence to pay for things like the flowers. I'd just say, "Thanks, but we have that covered" and don't even tell her what your plans are or that your mom is making them. That gives her leeway to make a comment about it and about how it'd be better if she did it.

ermjdecember2015 · June 2012

I agree completely with the Summer2011Bride. In fact we had to do something similiar with my FMIL. Your FI should really talk to her and just avoid talking wedding with her if she cant seem to get it. Good luck!

megan8290 · June 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_not-sure-what-to-do?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:14Discussion:b5cd3c13-4d80-4163-b5bf-68f316eb8a7fPost:e6418f05-93c1-46c9-9330-bb89bede655d">Not sure what to do?</a>:
[QUOTE]So, my fiancee and I are paying for the wedding ourselves...well most of it. There are a few things his parents are paying for (our band and photobooth) but it's because THEY want those things. Anyways, his mom is starting to get kinda pushy about paying for other things and it's really bothering me. My parents aren't very well off so they obviously can't contribute monetarily to the wedding which is FINE with me. They were a little hurt when they found out his parents were paying for some stuff...they feel like they are letting me down. I try not to let them know when his parents pitch in, but my fiancee's mom doesnt seem to get the picture when I tell her to keep it to herself. Like at our engagement party, my mom and dad gave us a card with $20 in it...his mom walks over and hands us a card with $100 in it...The look on my dad's face hurt so much...or when I told her my mom wanted to make my bridesmaid's bouquets she told me that was nonsense and that she'd personally pay for real flowers. .. I've tried talking to her and telling her she needs to be relax about things cuz it's upsetting my parents but she doesn't seem to get it. She thinks I'm being silly... but hearing my dad tell me how much he hated himself for not being able to help out with our wedding just about broke my heart.
Posted by shanding4787[/QUOTE]

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</div><div>I agree with the PP. I completely understand that feeling. My heart ache a little just reading your post. I really hope things get better!</div>

runpipparun · June 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_not-sure-what-to-do?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:14Discussion:b5cd3c13-4d80-4163-b5bf-68f316eb8a7fPost:768aa3e2-baea-40bd-a701-83c912b9cf68">Re: Not sure what to do?</a>:
[QUOTE]I'd have FI talk to his mom about this since what you're saying obviously isn't working with her. FI needs to be blunt and just tell her to cut it out. What she's doing is rude and uncalled for and it sounds like she just wants to flaunt her money around. After having FI talk to her, I would stop talking wedding with FMIL at all. Just don't bring it up around her. Politely decline her financial help if you don't want her running the show and also politely decline her insistence to pay for things like the flowers. I'd just say, "Thanks, but we have that covered" and don't even tell her what your plans are or that your mom is making them. That gives her leeway to make a comment about it and about how it'd be better if she did it.
Posted by Summer2011Bride[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>I think OP needs to handle this stuff on an individual case-by-case basis in the moment if FMIL can't get the whole picture. With regards to the flowers, when FMIL offered the flowers, that was so simple to handle. "FMIL, I really appreciate your offer, but my mom wants to make the bouquets by hand, and that would be really meaningful to me." At the same time, try to make your parents understand that their involvement is worth more to you than money. Try very, very hard.

</div><div>Money is a difficult issue to deal with. especially when there is a large discrepency. FILs may never understand that their offers of financial contribution are hurting those on the other side, especially if they have "had money" for awhile and are naturally generous people. I doubt they are doing it intentionally. Probably they think they're helping you guys out, saving you some money, so that your life after marriage is a little bit easier.</div>

shanding4787 · June 2012

He just wants to stay out of it..he hates confrontation/drama so he just keeps to himself about all of it...drives me nuts lol. In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_not-sure-what-to-do?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:14Discussion:b5cd3c13-4d80-4163-b5bf-68f316eb8a7fPost:ec5d0f87-de3c-468b-8d2b-702c3e2a1a7e">Re: Not sure what to do?</a>:
[QUOTE]Yeah, money comes with strings. I would have declined all your FIL's help and then not talk wedding with her at all. Why isn't your FI telling her to STFU? She can't FORCE you to take her money or have real flowers or whatever.
Posted by jcbsjr[/QUOTE]

Summer2011Bride · June 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_not-sure-what-to-do?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:14Discussion:b5cd3c13-4d80-4163-b5bf-68f316eb8a7fPost:9382e2d0-b746-48ab-9d04-bf5f57ea2373">Re: Not sure what to do?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Not sure what to do? :<strong> I think OP needs to handle this stuff on an individual case-by-case basis in the moment if FMIL can't get the whole picture. With regards to the flowers, when FMIL offered the flowers, that was so simple to handle. "FMIL, I really appreciate your offer, but my mom wants to make the bouquets by hand, and that would be really meaningful to me." </strong>At the same time, try to make your parents understand that their involvement is worth more to you than money. Try very, very hard. Money is a difficult issue to deal with. especially when there is a large discrepency. FILs may never understand that their offers of financial contribution are hurting those on the other side, especially if they have "had money" for awhile and are naturally generous people. I doubt they are doing it intentionally. Probably they think they're helping you guys out, saving you some money, so that your life after marriage is a little bit easier.
Posted by runpipparun[/QUOTE]

Yeah but the issue is that saying things like the bolded isn't helping. FMIL is still being pushy and obnoxious and flaunting her money even when OP has made comments like this. Hence, the need to be a little harsher and more blunt or just drop wedding talk entirely.

OwningAHome1981 · June 2012

Money definitely comes with strings but I'll take the strings b/c we don't have any money. My parents are paying for our wedding so a lot of what we want is out the window but a wedding with strings is better than no wedding at all- which is what we would have had if my parents weren't paying.

runpipparun · June 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_not-sure-what-to-do?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:14Discussion:b5cd3c13-4d80-4163-b5bf-68f316eb8a7fPost:53d5b145-f282-4232-b507-e8f579c0d56b">Re: Not sure what to do?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Not sure what to do? : Yeah but the issue is that saying things like the bolded isn't helping. FMIL is still being pushy and obnoxious and flaunting her money even when OP has made comments like this. Hence, the need to be a little harsher and more blunt or just drop wedding talk entirely.
Posted by Summer2011Bride[/QUOTE]

<div>My point is not to make it about MONEY. Make it about sentamentality. "It means a lot to me that my mother wants to hand make the bouquets," is very different from, "Keep quiet about the fact that you just gave me money," which is what the OP said. When you accept money, you accept strings. If you want to turn DOWN money, you need to do it graciously.</div><div>
</div><div>It sounds to me like OP doesn't exactly have an issue with some of FMILs money. She didn't turn down the $100 card or some of the offers to pitch in. It seems like the MAJOR issues are 1) how to turn down the money graciously and forcibly, and 2) getting Mom and Dad to get over the fact that they are not as well off. That is something that you can help with by including remnants from their wedding, telling them how special it is that they are choosing to be involved, etc.</div><div>
</div><div>My fiance's parents are being extremely rude over the fact that they don't have as much as my folks. It's hurting him, and it's offending the hell out of me. "We can't compete," "our rehearsal dinner won't be good enough so we just won't do it," and BS like that. So what? All we want is for you to show up and be happy. We don't care about money or how much you contribute. My folks don't care about money. Nobody cares except YOU PEOPLE.</div>

jacqueed · June 2012

My vote - talk to your parents. Explain to them that you love them and understand why they are not able to help financially. Make sure they understand that. And let them help with the other details. Make your mom understand that all the help the MIL is offereing is only going to make your special day better. She would do it for you if she could!FF! There is no reason why you can't accept the help from your Inlaws.

I am in the exact same situation. I spoke to my parents right off the bat...my mom gets it now. Anything my MIL offers only makes my day better and therefore me happy and then my mom happy. Its a win win situation.

kmdeck26 · June 2012

I agree with SummerBride... but my thoughts are with you. My heart broke reading that

bmiller1128 · June 2012

I love the idea of your mom makig the boquet. It'll be one of a kind and made from the heart, no money can do that. You need to flat out tell FMIL that it's not open for discussion. I'm really sorry your going through this and trust me I feel for you too FMIL are not always the easiest to handle. Good luck.

bonge · June 2012

I made my own bouquet & it looks awesome. No one will know i did it all myself. Your mom making your bouquet will be special. His mom obviously is not going to listen, but pps are right. You have to get your fiance to talk to her. Make sure he let`s them know how much he appreciates it, they will not feel appreciated if they feel attacked.

I would then talk to your parents & let them know that it is perfectly ok that they are unable to help you. tell them that how your mil is has nothing to do with them, that is just the way she is. That you love them & want them to stop being miserable over what they can`t provide & be happy with what they can provide even if it is not monetary. Let them know that money won`t buy happiness & you just want to share this experience with them.

My inlaws are quite poor & that is ok. his mom is making my cake & providing our salars. She is also therefor invaluable advice. She is an awesome woman & i am lucky to have her in my life.

My mom is sick & not able to work. Her & her bf have helped us out with a couple things, 1/2 my dress & 1/2 the band fee. i am just excited to not have to pay all that myself.

My dad is throwing us a kick ass party the next day which i am really looking forward too. Weddings are over so fast that it will be nice to enjoy the time with some of our guests.

I would try to make my parents understand how happy i am with them, try really hard.

kmmssg · June 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_not-sure-what-to-do?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:14Discussion:b5cd3c13-4d80-4163-b5bf-68f316eb8a7fPost:58efd63c-e0a7-4599-88f4-6bd58740c580">Re: Not sure what to do?</a>:
[QUOTE]<strong>He just wants to stay out of it..he hates confrontation/drama so he just keeps to himself about all of it.</strong>..drives me nuts lol. In Response to Re: Not sure what to do? :
Posted by shanding4787[/QUOTE]

<div>sorry, but that is just dead wrong. His refusal to get involved here is at your parents (and their feelings) expense. He needs to man up and get involved. What is he going to do the next time his parents get overbearing - like when you have kids? Refuse to get involved? </div>

MrsBarber2B14 · June 2012

Awe..just talk to everyone about how you feel. And please let your parents know that what they are doing is enough and you love it. I think that you should let your mother doing your flowers. Good luck with everything. I hope everything works out for the best.

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