Wedding Customs & Traditions Forum

Parents and Traditions

My FI and I have decided not to do a bouquet or garter toss for a couple of reasons and we are not doing a cake cutting because we are not having a cake. My mom seems to be disappointed they we aren't doing any of the wedding traditions. She thinks people will miss having these signature wedding events, I disagree. I think these types of traditions break up the night and force people to clear the floor and sit down, which I think would be annoying.

What's everyone's thoughts on these traditions and how do I explain our choices to my mother?

Thanks!
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Re: Parents and Traditions

  • I'm a MOB who has no use for most of that but I will throw this out there:  when our generation was getting married we had moms and g'mas who could threaten our very existence if out weddings weren't dress right dress.  Dear God!!  If our BM's dresses weren't identical our children would be born out of wedlock because our marriages wouldn't be legal if we deviated from anything.  Yeah, not everyone was quite that bad, but those people weren't hard to find.

    No joke - my cousin chose light pink and light blue for her wedding colors and my aunt threw an absolute fit that 'EVERYONE WILL THINK YOU ARE PREGNANT!!!"  She cancelled her wedding and JOP'd.

    Your mom is from a generation where things were just always done a certain way and you just don't deviate from that.

    Just stick to your guns.  You are on a good path and your mom will get over this.  So many weddings just don't do those things anymore!
  • We skipped cake and the garter/bouquet tosses as well.   When I told my mom we weren't having a cake, she had this look on her face like somebody killed her puppy.  I think I gave her the "Oh, come ON, mom, it's no big deal" stare like I did when I was a teenager, and she got over it. 

    At the wedding, I don't think a single person noticed that we skipped the garter and bouquet toss, and nobody seemed to care that there was no cake (but then again, we had cupcakes boxed at each place setting as a favor, and we did a full dessert bar).  

    Do what you want:-)  
    DSC_9275
  • We didn't do the tosses either and my mom was a little disappointed at first, but she got over it.  I guess it also helped that I was the last of her 3 daughters to get married, so she got her traditional stuff with the other two.
    Anniversary
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_customs-traditions_parents-and-traditions?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:36Discussion:e4e4580b-f117-430c-bb72-aa7dfb38f0d5Post:53a158ce-9a7a-4fd0-b473-b7210684c685">Parents and Traditions</a>:
    [QUOTE]My FI and I have decided not to do a bouquet or garter toss for a couple of reasons and we are not doing a cake cutting because we are not having a cake. My mom seems to be disappointed they we aren't doing any of the wedding traditions. <strong>She thinks people will miss having these signature wedding events</strong>, I disagree. I think these types of traditions break up the night and force people to clear the floor and sit down, which I think would be annoying. What's everyone's thoughts on these traditions and how do I explain our choices to my mother? Thanks!
    Posted by melanieky[/QUOTE]

    I have been to quite a few weddings this year and every one did NOT do any of these.  I think some traditions are good if they mean something to the ppl involved.  Maybe spin it that by eliminating this stuff you will have more time to mingle with the guests.
  • MobKazMobKaz Chicago suburbs member
    Knottie Warrior 5000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    My daughter had the cake cutting, toss and garter.  My son only had the cake cutting.  One third of the guests attended both events.  Not one guest made any comment one way or another. 

    There is one old school thought that might be worthy of mention.  It used to be that some of these traditions "signaled" the end of the more formal portion of the wedding program.  Often times, older guests, or guests on a "time frame", used these traditions to help them guage when they could "appropriately" bow out for the evening.  If you eliminate them all, you may want to somehow get word to a few people that once dinner has ended, there are no more "events" for which they may feel a need to remain.
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_customs-traditions_parents-and-traditions?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:36Discussion:e4e4580b-f117-430c-bb72-aa7dfb38f0d5Post:94a67667-a0f9-40e8-8b6e-17c74a6d8eb0">Re: Parents and Traditions</a>:
    [QUOTE]My daughter had the cake cutting, toss and garter.  My son only had the cake cutting.  One third of the guests attended both events.  Not one guest made any comment one way or another.  There is one old school thought that might be worthy of mention.  It used to be that some of these traditions "signaled" the end of the more formal portion of the wedding program.  Often times, older guests, or guests on a "time frame", used these traditions to help them guage when they could "appropriately" bow out for the evening.  If you eliminate them all, you may want to somehow get word to a few people that once dinner has ended, there are no more "events" for which they may feel a need to remain.
    Posted by mobkaz[/QUOTE]

    Yes, I agree with this!
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  • No cake?!  For the love of all that is holy, what do you have against cake?!
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_customs-traditions_parents-and-traditions?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:36Discussion:e4e4580b-f117-430c-bb72-aa7dfb38f0d5Post:08ffb3af-e8d7-4caa-b70d-0c8f9a1c788f">Re: Parents and Traditions</a>:
    [QUOTE]No cake?!  For the love of all that is holy, what do you have against cake?!
    Posted by DramaGeek[/QUOTE]<div>
    </div><div>Drama, as strange as it sounds, my husband and I just don't like cake.  Of all of the deserts you can imagine, cake (especially wedding cake) is probably our LEAST favorite.  We saw no need to spend hundreds of dollars on something we weren't going to enjoy eating, so we skipped it. We did cupcakes for the die-hard cake people, but had a dessert bar (including chocolate fondue and stuff to dip!) for the actual wedding dessert.   

    </div>
    DSC_9275
  • Mmmm, cake.  I love cake.  Pretty much any flavor.  However, I dislike almost all frosting, and I can't stand pie crust, so I guess I can kind of relate :-P  We did have a wedding cake, but asked her to make the frosting as thin as possible.  Blech, frosting.

    OP, the only thing that I think people will miss is the cake, and if you have other dessert options, you're good to go.
  • I was at a friend's wedding last summer where neither one of them cared for cake so they just skipped dessert all together. Instead after dinner a plate of Andes mints were brought to each table.

    It was really odd. I'd say find a good middle ground between indulging guests expectations and delivering plates of mints.
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_customs-traditions_parents-and-traditions?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:36Discussion:e4e4580b-f117-430c-bb72-aa7dfb38f0d5Post:53a158ce-9a7a-4fd0-b473-b7210684c685">Parents and Traditions</a>:
    [QUOTE]My FI and I have decided not to do a bouquet or garter toss for a couple of reasons and we are not doing a cake cutting because we are not having a cake. My mom seems to be disappointed they we aren't doing any of the wedding traditions. She thinks people will miss having these signature wedding events, I disagree. I think these types of traditions break up the night and force people to clear the floor and sit down, which I think would be annoying. What's everyone's thoughts on these traditions and how do I explain our choices to my mother? Thanks!
    Posted by melanieky[/QUOTE]

    I skipped the bouquet toss and the garter toss.  The few single people at my wedding thanked me for it.  No one missed it.  I skipped the cake cutting too.  People (especially my in-laws) missed that one in particular.  I just did not want to be on display and let anyone who asked know why I had made that decision.  Politely, explain your reasons to your mom and anyone else who asks and you should be ok.
  • What about an apple pie or something like that. and no not a pie in the face kinda thing but feeding each other pie.  My fiance is allergic to eggs and i thought about that for him.
  • Also the way i see it is, Its your day not your neighbors, or your family members, your and your fiance.  You should explain it to her that times and things are changing and those things for a memory of your wedding is not important to you,  the thing that is important is your marrying your best friend and sharing the moment with close friends and family is the importand thing to you. and if you chose not to have those traditions at your wedding ask her to respect your wishes and to make this a good and memorable time. cause you want to remember everything you did and not the thought of what your mother wanted you to do!

    Hope i was some help?


    Good luck!
  • edited July 2012
    You don't have to serve cake, however, if a full meal is being served I think it should be capped off with some dessert or other.  As others pointed out, the serving of the cake (dessert) will signal the end of the reception for many.

    I highly doubt anyone will miss the garter and bouquet tosses. We skipped them, and were thanked for it!
  • I have been to traditional weddings and had an amazing time. But, I always wanted our wedding to be something different and not follow the same exact pattern. 

    I'm a bride that has traditional elements but with unique twists. Yes, I'm wearing a long white dress with black in it, but I'm not wearing a veil, train nor garter. No, I'm not getting married in a church, but I'm getting married in a movie theater instead. Since I'm highly allergic to flowers, my FMIL suggested a brooch bouquet, which my mom and I have made. Instead of the bouquet toss, we are putting a surprised unique spin with both married and single ladies, but there will be no garter toss. (Plus, no one is going to want to get a metal bouquet with pins and wires thrown at them.)

    Both my FMIL and my mom were more traditional. However, they know me well enough to know that I'm not. They are completely fine with our choices.

    Just explain to your mom that you want a unique wedding that expresses your and your FI's personalities. I'm sure she will be fine with that. You can even get her involved with some projects, which will make her feel like a part of your wedding.
  • We are not doing a cake either, my FI and I both don't like cake, we are doing key lime pies (we're getting married in the FL Keys).  We are also not doing the tosses either, the only single people coming to our wedding are my mom, his mom, his dad and my best friend.  We just thought it would be a very strange and a waist of money. 

    It's your day, do it the way you want.

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