BM regret....(sorry kinda long)

volleygurl0306 · May 2012

I'll admit I picked my BMs too early. I was supposed to be a March 2012 bride, so May 2011 was a little early. Then when we postponed the wedding to September 2012, May 2011 became waaay too early but it was done already. My MOH and 4 of my 5 BM are awesome. My 5th bridesmaid I'm totally regretting right now. It is NWR at all, just friendship related. My friend has made poor life decision after poor life decision. I truly believe she chooses to be unhappy. That may sound harsh and sometimes tragedies do happen, but sometimes we put ourselves in a bad spot. Just an example for my friend is she does have horrible self-esteem which has led to numerous of her poor choices, but she has wanted breast implants for as long as I can remember. Her dad said he'd pay for them when she turned 22. Five months before her 22nd bday, she called me to tell me she was taking out a $6,000 loan to get her boobs done. I told her it was a bad decision and to wait. At this time she also had a 3 year old daughter who she cannot support because she didn't work while in school (my friends mom supports my friend, her 4 siblings, and my friends duaghter). But she still took out the loan, got the boobs, and then wondered why she couldn't cover her car payment and her loan payment and why her daughter was upset for 4 weeks after her surgery that she couldn't pick her up. She has one destructive relationship after another. Her current boyfriend I suspect is sexually and physically abusive which also worries me for her daughter. On top of making these choices she's just then negative about it. Never has anything positive to say. All she says is how the world craps on her, etc. You never walk away from hanging out with her thinking "that was fun!" All of our friends including myself and FI try to give her some constructive advice when asked but she never takes anyone up on their advice (unless it agrees with what she wants to do).

A couple months ago she made a few rude comments to me that kinda sent me over the edge. We haven't really talked since. In the absence of her around I've gained some perspective on her and how she deals with things. Previous to her harsh words I was more sympathetic to it and felt like she'd eventually see the light. Even my MOH called me out and said she always knew my friendship with this girl was based on the fact that I'm a "mom" by nature and always want to help but now I'm realizing she's gotta figure it out on her own. Now, besides that she was hurtful, I just kinda don't feel like bending over backwards to hang out with someone negative. Sure I have my stresses but in general I want to be happy and around people who are. And around people who want better for themselves.

I don't want to kick her out of the wedding or cut her out of my life or anything persay, but I just don't know how to handle her either. I just feel like I've kinda outgrown her in a sense and don't want to participate in her pity party any more. I basically want to tell her to quit her b*tching and pull her life together. But, especially after not talking for 2 months that doesn't seem like the appropriate first thing to say. I want better for my friend and I know she has to want better for herself first but I just don't know how to handle the meantime until she learns to grow up. Anyone else ever deal with this?

QueerFemme · May 2012

I've dealt with things similar. And, I would probably say something to her, but say it from a position of love and care. For some reason, you have kept this person in your life in the past, and you have to give her a chance to pull it together.

I would probably give her a call and say something like "well, its been 2 months since we have spoken, and the last time we talked, your comments really hurt my feelings. I really feel like we need to sit down and talk about this stuff. And then, talk to her from YOUR perspective. What is she doing to her life that is affecting YOU? (i.e. - when you said X, it hurt me in THIS way). As far as her life decisions... they are hers. The only thing you can do is choose to participate in her life, and accept her where she is at today, or don't participate in her life.

I have some friends who continue to make dumb decisions, and I can either love them where they are, or not have them around. Some of them, I have kept my distance from, because I can't stand the constant bitching and moaning. But, that doesn't mean I can't still be their friend. I just limit my involvement. And when they start bitching and crying about stuff they have done to themselves... I say "Well, how do you think you are going to handle that?"
You can't solve people's problems for them. And the more you try, the more they rely on you to do it. So, you can still be supportive, but not Ms. Fix it.

Good luck. I know communication like that is hard... but, it's the only way things can change.

sparent2010 · May 2012

Cmg has some really good points.

It kinda depends on you. If you want this relationship to continue or not. If not you can end your friendship and not worry about it, or if you feel like she is true friend in need and want to continue to have a relationship with her then I suggest you follow Cmg's advice.

CowgirlK39 · May 2012

I remember you posting about this in the main boards and they ripped your head off (no suprise there). I have been thru this exact thing, a few times, because like you, I want to help people, and help them "see the light."

You say you don't want to break off the friendship etc, yet never have a good time with her. Is that really a friendship then? Do you hang out with her because you truly value your time with her and enjoy her company or do you hang out with her because you feel bad saying no? I knew a girl who also had poor esteem and spent money on stupid crap (such as meeting men off mysepace and flying all over the country to meet them). She would call me and I would make up every excuse in the book not to hang out with her, but eventually I would just say ok and then regret it. We would go somewhere, and she would ask me for money to buy her something, or she would say "while we are out, can I run in quick and get my nails done?" Out of nowhere about three years ago, she deleted me off her FB friends, and never called me again. I was upset at first, but I was more upset that i had "wronged" someone. Then I thought about it, figured she had probably heard from a mutual friend how much I couldnt stand her, and I realized I was spared.

Unfortunately, this girl being a BM, things are a bit more complicated for you. You can kick her out if you feel like what I described above, and when you do realize that she is NOT the type of person you want to associate with at all. But if you really do value this friendship and you feel you really ARE friends with her (it goes both ways, you have to like her and she has to like you), then drop the arguement, get on with the wedding stuff and deal with the fact she is in your WP. She sounds like the type who would not concede that she was wrong to say those things about you, so its not worth trying to have a battle of wits with an unarmed opponent and attempt to work out the discussion.

BM regret....(sorry kinda long)

Re: BM regret....(sorry kinda long)

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