useless bridesmaids

ragragioruiz · October 2010

i need advice - my bridesmaids have not lifted a finger to help my with anything.
i don't even get lip service or offers to help. i'm at the end of my wits and really need help and support - how do i get it from them?

Cant_wait! · October 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_wedding-woes_useless-bridesmaids?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:47Discussion:a2186068-2c2d-43d6-8f2b-497ea096e0d5Post:4e79a5ca-6f33-46a1-a941-4df281355658">useless bridesmaids</a>:
[QUOTE]i need advice - my bridesmaids have not lifted a finger to help my with anything. i don't even get lip service or offers to help. i'm at the end of my wits and really need help and support - <strong>how do i get it from them</strong>?
Posted by ragragioruiz[/QUOTE]
You don't. They are only required to show up on the wedding day, everything else is optional. You might try asking them if they're willing to help with whatever, or invite them to come over for wine and invitation addressing or something, but you can't expect them to do anything.

Love is Bald · October 2010

what are their responses when you ask them to help?

Butter Cookie · October 2010

^^what CW said - really, these people are presumably friends you wanted next to you the day you got married. Everything else is extra. You should talk to them - not attack, but ask them if they mind giving you advice on celedon or sage, or perhaps if they mind helping you with your invitations.

Don't forget you want to be friends with these people AFTER the wedding. If you're going to want them to help you, you need to show them how appreciative you are. Let them know you appreciate them, and don't ever ever demand that they help or expect it, because truly they don't owe you anything except to buy a dress and show up.

brintae · October 2010

Listen, I've been in more than one wedding where I was a bridesmaid and was expected to wait on the bride hand and foot. I don't really recommend this way of thinking if you want to remain friends with your bridesmaids after the wedding.

lisaandcorey · October 2010

Ditto what Brintae said.

You have to remember, they are your friends and/or family - not hired help. If you need help with something just ask. They aren't going to read your mind. If you ask them kindly for specific help and work around their schedules, I bet they would be willing to help!

jenwen32 · October 2010

Why not ask your future husband for help and/or support?? Your wedding is not the priority for your bridesmaids like it is for you. So you can ask them for help and support, but you can't expect that they'll be available at the drop of a hat.

Muffin'sMom · October 2010

I guess I'm not clear on what they are supposed to do? Thirty years ago, I had a MOH (18 year old sister) and 2 bridesmaids (my best friend and my husbands 19 year old sister). My best friend and I did our usual hanging out and getting into trouble, but other than that, they bought dresses, stood with me, and have been my friends and family for the last 30 years. My mom and I planned the wedding. Heck, even my husband wasn't really involved. He was 3 hours away and working like a dog.

My daughter was married last year. Her MOH and one bridesmaid hosted a shower (at my house and I paid for the food and drinks because both of them are young and struggling and I love them like they are my own.) Her husband was pretty involved, but they lived together so I'm pretty sure it was hard to avoid the subject

My daughter had a brand new completely crazy job. So, she decided what she wanted, and I made it happen. So, MOB and FH helped.

Why would you need bridesmaids to do things for you?

skippylouwho · October 2010

This has to be MUD.

Rangergirl · October 2010

As someone with a similar problem I can sympathize. I think that there is a huge difference between waiting on a bride hand and foot and just wishing for some help with things like putting favors together or assembling invitations. I actually have had a few of my non-bridesmaids friends asking me what help I needed because any attempt for help from a bridesmaid has been met with "I have plans" which turned out to mean they wanted to stay home and watch tv. I've always thought, bridesmaids were there to help the bride prepare and plan for the wedding and then stand with her on the day of. That is always what I did whenever I have been in a wedding. I'm not talking about insane things like cleaning my house or paying for my things... and I assume that this is similar to what ragragioruiz is referring to. Honestly the way I see it is this (based on my experience)... whether they help or not, you're going to end up having to do these things so in the end don't stress it because you're just going to upset yourself. If you haven't approached them about this at all, I'd just go to them and explain what it is you need done, offer some pizza and wine to thank them for the help and things should fall into place. Good Luck!

kayakrunhike · October 2010

They need to buy the dress, and show up sober and looking nice. That's about it. Have your FI help you out, or maybe your mom or if you have sisters. Actually, my younger bro, his gf (also a BM) and my mom helped me pack up favor boxes the week before the wedding.

It also depends on what you need help with. Picking out an invite font isn't in their list of duties, nor is going to flower or cake appointments. Have your BMs offered to help at all? If they really are close friends, you should be able to ask them if they have some free time to help you out, maybe with stuffing invites or doing favors. Offer food, movies and drinks and make a party of it, but you can't demand work from them. If they can't/don't want to, you need to find support elsewhere, eg- FI. That's what he's there for.

6fsn · October 2010

Do it yourself. Have your FI help. Hire someone.

mrsconn23 · October 2010

I think you're a useless bride because you want everyone else to do it for you. Your wedding, do it yourself. Make your FI get involved. Or shell out the $$ for a wedding planner.

breegonzalez · October 2010

Wow, people are harsh. I don't think she wants them to do everything on the planet for her. When you ask someone to be your bridesmaid, it entails more than just "showing up." When you are asked to be a bridesmaid, you should probably not say yes unless you are willing to help out. This doesn't mean doing "everything" beyond what you should. It just means if you are asked for help with something, try and help. At least OFFER to help. My bridesmaids have been incredibly helpful without me even barely having to ask, and I've done A LOT on my own. I would suggest just talking to them and asking them what they'd be willing to do. If they think you are being unreasonable by asking for their help, then I don't think they fully understand what being a "bridesmaid" means, and other than having close friends standing beside you on your wedding day (which I would think if they were close, they would already WANT to help), it kind of defeats the purpose of even having bridesmaids if they don't.

Butter Cookie · October 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_wedding-woes_useless-bridesmaids?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:47Discussion:a2186068-2c2d-43d6-8f2b-497ea096e0d5Post:300e3741-4d64-4b98-8d40-460e7d81e352">Re: useless bridesmaids</a>:
[QUOTE]Wow, people are harsh. I don't think she wants them to do everything on the planet for her. When you ask someone to be your bridesmaid, it entails more than just "showing up." When you are asked to be a bridesmaid, you should probably not say yes unless you are willing to help out. This doesn't mean doing "everything" beyond what you should. It just means if you are asked for help with something, try and help. At least OFFER to help. My bridesmaids have been incredibly helpful without me even barely having to ask, and I've done A LOT on my own. I would suggest just talking to them and asking them what they'd be willing to do. If they think you are being unreasonable by asking for their help, then I don't think they fully understand what being a "bridesmaid" means.
Posted by breegonzalez[/QUOTE]

Who was harsh? The OP? Because that I will agree with. Calling someone who you consider a friend "useless" is harsh. Stop trying to give her the impression they are bad people because they haven't fallen all over themselves to stop their lives and be at her beck and call.

breegonzalez · October 2010

Okay I never called them bad people OR suggested they should fall over themselves for her, just that it's reasonable to ask them to help. I'm actually very clear that they shouldn't do anything more than they can. And I think it is harsh to call her a useless bride when we have no idea who she even is and don't know exactly what the situation is. Why does the internet give us the feeling we can talk to people as rudely as we want? I was just voicing my opinion, jeez.

LnR70707 · October 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_wedding-woes_useless-bridesmaids?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:47Discussion:a2186068-2c2d-43d6-8f2b-497ea096e0d5Post:7ea37183-625c-4033-a2ee-84aa30511f11">Re: useless bridesmaids</a>:
[QUOTE]Okay I never called them bad people OR suggested they should fall over themselves for her, just that it's reasonable to ask them to help. I'm actually very clear that they shouldn't do anything more than they can. And I think it is harsh to call her a useless bride when we have no idea who she even is and don't know exactly what the situation is. <strong>Why does the internet give us the feeling we can talk to people as rudely as we want? </strong>I was just voicing my opinion, jeez.
Posted by breegonzalez[/QUOTE]

If one of my friends called all her bridesmaids useless, I'd tell her to stop being such a demanding bridezilla. Most of us here call things as we see them and are honest...on the internet and IRL.

Butter Cookie · October 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_wedding-woes_useless-bridesmaids?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:47Discussion:a2186068-2c2d-43d6-8f2b-497ea096e0d5Post:7ea37183-625c-4033-a2ee-84aa30511f11">Re: useless bridesmaids</a>:
[QUOTE]Okay I never called them bad people OR suggested they should fall over themselves for her, just that it's reasonable to ask them to help. I'm actually very clear that they shouldn't do anything more than they can. And I think it is harsh to call her a useless bride when we have no idea who she even is and don't know exactly what the situation is. Why does the internet give us the feeling we can talk to people as rudely as we want? I was just voicing my opinion, jeez.
Posted by breegonzalez[/QUOTE]

I don't think anyone called the bride useless. The bride called the bridesmaids useless.

Most people already said what you said, that she needs to ask them and remember that they aren't required to help, and any help given is above and beyond.

breegonzalez · October 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_wedding-woes_useless-bridesmaids?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:47Discussion:a2186068-2c2d-43d6-8f2b-497ea096e0d5Post:b6ba20ac-448f-4312-91fa-496e93ec4964">Re: useless bridesmaids</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: useless bridesmaids : If one of my friends called all her bridesmaids useless, I'd tell her to stop being such a demanding bridezilla. Most of us here call things as we see them and are honest...on the internet and IRL.
Posted by L&R70707[/QUOTE]

You're right, I can understand calling it as it is. I'm just talking about the fact that no one knows this girl and already talk to her as if they know everything about her and are disgusted with her. There's a big difference between being honest and being rude. You can be honest and be tactful. I try to stay out of stuff like this because I know people have a hard time being tactful online, but I wanted her to know that she just needs to ask them and not feel bad for asking. I just don't think it's unreasonable for her to ask for help. Apparently, I'm in the minority, but that's okay! The point is we all feel differently and that's fine. Now she's got several different opinions to go off of.

breegonzalez · October 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_wedding-woes_useless-bridesmaids?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:47Discussion:a2186068-2c2d-43d6-8f2b-497ea096e0d5Post:214628b3-8e1e-41df-b271-fb33d504b5af">Re: useless bridesmaids</a>:
[QUOTE]I think you're a useless bride because you want everyone else to do it for you. Your wedding, do it yourself. Make your FI get involved. Or shell out the $$ for a wedding planner.
Posted by mrs.conn23[/QUOTE]

This person called her useless. This is what I was referring to about being harsh, but yes she called her bridemaids useless too.

xchorba10 · August 2012

I hope it worked out for you. I am having a similar problem. I have half of my bridal party in another city and they have been a God-send to me throughout the stress of it all. Even when I have nothing for them to do, they email me or text me and ask if there is anything they can help me with. It is a wonderful feeling to know someone cares and understands. However, I have my moh and another bm in town w/me and my moh is great but the other is a notorious flake all of a sudden so it makes it all quite difficult to plan things like showers or even the BM tea I wanted to have FOR them.... ugh. I want to keep my friendships, obviously, I just have never seen this side of her before, makes me thing I might not want to be friends with someone like that. It scares me and adds to my stress. And before ppl start to reply, YES I've talked to her about it multiple times, but I'm her friend (presumably) not her mother. She can do what she wants, I'm just upset that someone would be inconsiderate enough to make my wedding about her.

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