Having Family Issue, Need Ceremony Suggestions...

Re: Having Family Issue, Need Ceremony Suggestions...

• tcjames

  

  June 2012 edited June 2012

  I'm so sorry you have to deal with this mess so early in your engagement..First, take a nice big Whoosahhh...
  
  Personally, since it's already out there, I would leave it at one attendent each, obviously that what you & FI  want anyway (by all means you can change that if you wish). Understand this & quote me if you need to  "Your WP should consist of people you & FI want to stand up for you, Not people who think their obligated to a part of your WP".
   Please stop apologizing for someone opening their big mouth. You did absolutely nothing wrong so stop beating yourself up over it . As far as attempting to incorparate them in to the wedding, I WOULDN'T other than them being welcomed guest; look how they behaved towards you & FI after getting the news from FMIL.
  
  Please stop talking any wedding stuff to FMIL...let this incident teach you a valuable lesson and ave you some pain, heartache & headaches in the future.
  
  I really HTH...Relax and enjoy engagement Good Luck
  
  ETA: If you start appeasing everyone else now, your wedding will not be what you & FI envisioned...
  
  I missed the part about FMIL saying you need to right the wrong..FYI she did the wrong so she needs to correct it.

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• kateguess22 member

  

  June 2012 edited June 2012

  First of all, definitely 100% this whole situation stemmed from your FMIL choice to share this info with your finance's sister! That's obvious to me but your FMIL will probably never see it that way. It's too late now, anyway- even if she did feel like it was her fault she already told his sister and you can't go back in time and erase that. It's a really unfortunate situation but it is what it is. Wedding planning is never perfect especially with all of the different family dynamics that come up- you can't control everyone around you and what they say and do. Try to stay as calm as possible about this and to remember that all you can do is your best with every situation and don't let it dampen your spirits about your wedding. This too shall pass. There are lots of ways that you can incorporate them into the ceremony- ushers, guest book attendants, witnesses, readers (you can have non-religious readers, too!) greeters, program hander-outers lol, or you could have them walk down the aisle to their seats to music at the beginning of the wedding ceremony among with other immediate family members.
  Whether you end up asking them to be in the wedding or not, don't let this change anything from your perspective. If they feel hurt there's not much you can do about that unfortunately, besides apologize and care and show concern. Other than that, it's up to them what their attitude will be about this. You get to control your attitude so for your own sake try to let this roll off of your back. I'm sure it will get at least a little bit easier when things get closer to the wedding.
  Stay strong and united with your fiance. Handle this gracefully but don't feel pressured to do any more than you are already doing. Trust me, find an outlet that works for you- running, yoga, coffee with a best friend, phone calls to a trusted confident, dates with your fiance- and take full advantage of whatever calms your mind or burns off steam. I signed up for a spinning class. lol. This is only one situation which will cause you stress- I'm sorry to say that there might be more to come before your wedding day. Don't let yourself get bent out of shape. It's one thing to hurt someone maliciously, it's another thing to find out that someone is hurt by something innocent and unintentional.
  In situations like this I always have to remind myself that it is IMPOSSIBLE to control how other people feel. Sometimes it feels like it's all your fault and you need to keep everyone happy all of the time, but that is impossible. They are responsible for how they respond to this situation so you just worry about your side of things. When the subject comes up, be calm, kind, and stick to the basics.
  You're allowed to decide how many/who in your wedding party. You're allowed to not have that all figured out yet. You're allowed to feel badly that you've hurt someone's feelings unintentionally without offering to give them what they are asking for. You're allowed to give them what they are asking for even though it's not because they got upset but because it's what you wanted. You're allowed to do nothing when others tell you that you need to do something.
  
  Good luck Hope that helped.

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• Sassenach1743 member

  

  June 2012

  Thank you so much ladies... I really appreciate your thoughts on this. My FI and I spoke about this again this morning and we are both on the same page about what we want (i.e. just MOH & BM) and he even said the same thing about family dynamics and drama surrounding the wedding and how we can't control other people's behavior, reactions, or feelings. We've decided to stick together on this and just do what we can to show his sister and her husband that we do care about their feelings but we're not going to continue letting this issue sidetrack our wedding plans. We love them and they know that, and we're hoping that they will see that and be adults about this so that we can all have a great time together on the day of.

  
  

  And yes, Kate, you are correct about my FMIL -she will NEVER see that this was all her fault, nor will she acknowlege it or apologize for it. It just is what it is. And as far as keeping futher wedding plans/ ideas secret, as TCJames has suggested, I already tried that to no avail... She has asked so many questions that I've been skirting she soon got wise about it and laid a huge guilt trip on my FI and his father... So now, instead of trying to hide from her I've tried giving her some face time (having lunch with her a couple times) and lettiing her in on a few ideas (like colors and flowers) but mainly I realized that she just wants attention more than anything and my time spent with her ended up not being so bad after all. So I am hoping that things will be smoother going forward.

  
  

  Thank you so much again for your input ladies... I do feel better about things and I am grateful for the support. I really am excited about all this so I will not let this issue do any more damage.

  
  

  

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• mcskatcat member

  

  June 2012

  I would stick to your guns.  If the issue comes up again, remind them that this is your wedding and you will have your nearest and dearest up there, not whoever bullied you into getting up there.  

  
  

  I would have the two do a reading together.  It's a nice honor.  

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• Lisa50 member

  

  June 2012

  First of all, I am very sorry you have to deal with all of this. 
  
  The good news is that, it's really up to your FI to bring his mother back down to earth, in whatever way he sees fit.  I won't get into the frightening family dynamics revealed by her stunt and her daughter's reaction ...yikes!  I am sure your FI will find a way to heal the wounds his mother created; my guess is mom has pulled this kind of emotional blackmail in the past.
  
  Second, I think that you need to push pause on anything to do with the wedding party (including the gaggle of kids) until FI finds a way to get his mother to butt out (it will be good practice in advance of when she tries to decorate your home, tell you how to raise your kids, etc.)  I agree that she'll never understand, nor admit, that she created this hot mess.
  
  Oh yeah, don't tell FMIL anything else about the wedding plans, except the date and time.  Other than that, let her be surprised about every last detail.
  
  I'm sure it will al work out.  Take deep breaths.  Good luck!!

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• kmmssg mod

  

  June 2012

   YOU guys didn't hurt them, FI's MOTHER did.  FI needs to have a firm discussion with his mother (even if she maintains she did nothing wrong) that she has interfered and cause this mess.  Her poor decision and meddling does not mean you guys have to ask these people to be in the wedding.

  
  

  Whatever you guys do, I hope you (especially FI) have learned to zip it around FMIL when it comes to the wedding.

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• eogrady

  

  June 2012

  You could have them do a reading or some form of speech before the exchanging of vows.  If they have been married for a while they might have some words of wisdom they can impart. That saids if they are causing this much drama before the wedding you might not want to use them and risk even more. 

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• karulyne

  

  June 2012

  well if you did want to involved them you could ask them to do readings, or if you do something like a sand ceremony or any other element that would require something to be brought up to the front, you could have them bring up the sand and jars or the rope to do a handfasting ceremony or something like that. IMO while I think it was a little rude of FMIL to tell them anything about your plans before you even made any decisions, I think its WAY out of line for them to act like hurt little kids and refuse to accept apologies and so forth. You shouldn't feel obligated to have anyone in your wedding party, no matter how close they may be to you. Its your decision how many attendants you want and who you want to honor with those roles, if you want one attendant that obviously means you won't be able to include everyone that is important to you. Maybe their feelings are hurt, but they should grow up and accept that it doesn't mean you don't love them if they aren't asked. Just my opinion...but I think they owe YOU an apology.

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• RyanEmilyWedding2013

  

  June 2012

  I agree with the other posts that specific details need to be kept between you and your FI, at least until things are set in stone.  I would also agree that you should focus on what YOU want more than what is going to make other people happy.  That being said, I know a lot of family members want to feel like they are included and part of the ceremony.  I think that by assigning them tasks to plan the wedding (ie. picking up flowers, helping set up, organizing a bridal shower.  As long as they're things that you have already decided on).  

  
  

  For now, focus on what you want.  Take the sister in law to lunch and explain things to her calmly and let her know that help from her and her husband would be much appreciated.  Maybe create a schedule of things that need to get done by her.  I think that would help them feel involved and also take some wieght off of your shoulders.  

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