Jewish Mama woes

cushie2 · September 2010

Hello there my fellow brides-
I need some outsiders' advice on dealing with my mother. I am Jewish, and my fiance is not. He was raised Christian but after becoming a religious studies major in college he does not identify himself as Christian, or as any specific religion for that matter. Apparently, my parents were under the impression that he would convert once we got engaged, and my relationship with my mom has become quite strained since they found out this was not the case. Despite explaining to her that my fiance and I are quite happy, that we discuss religion/spirituality all the time, we plan to raise our children Jewish and have Judaism as the religion in our home, she continues to give me a hard time and insinuate that it's not too late for me to call things off.

It would have been foolish of me to believe that I would be the one Jewish woman in history to have her family be totally cool with their oldest daughter marrying a
"shaygitz" (I prefer to think of him as a 'righteous gentile'). That doesn't make it any easier. I'm now considering having a totally secular wedding, since I feel that proceeding with a Jewish wedding (for whom we already have rabbi to officiate) will only remind my mother that things aren't going her way. Any advice from someone who's been through this before?

tenofcups4me · September 2010

I'm not following how having a secular wedding would help. I'm not at all opposed to secular weddings -- neither of my weddings was religious -- but I'm not getting how you think this will help your mother come to terms with your FH not being Jewish (for context: DH is not Jewish and neither was my ex-). You know your mother better, of course, but I would think a non-religious wedding would make it that much harder for her (and therefore you). Are you sure you're not considering this to "punish" her for not being 100% supportive?

I would have the wedding that you and your FH want to have, whether that's religious or not.

WHen it comes to marrying a non-Jew, yeah, I don't think most Jewish parents are dancing in the streets about it. But hopefully your mom will go through the same path that many do and realize that while it's not ideal, your FH is a good man and a good match for you and that's more important than actual religion -- especially since you intend to remain Jewish and raise your children Jewish.

cushie2 · September 2010

Thanks for your reply. Really why I'm considering a secular ceremony is so that we can take Judaism out of the equation for the time being. My parents absolutely adore my fiance and I know that despite this one issue, they are very happy to call him 'son.' I definitely am not hoping to punish my mom

. She actually had suggested a non-religious wedding when we first got engaged; I'm the one who really wanted a Jewish wedding and my fiance was totally supportive of that.

I was more looking for advice on things to say/do to help my mother come to terms with all of this... other than wait it out.

caraellen23 · September 2010

I'm sorry to hear you're having difficulty. Moms are so tough! My FI is jewish, and my mother has still found things to complain about. I'm not sure I can give you any advice on what to do right now, but personally I think that you need to stick to your guns and do what you and your FI want to do. Marriage is about setting yourselves up as a family, and from here on out, decisions need to be made by you and your FI. This might be a good opportunity to show that you are a united front and you are going to make decisions yourselves that are best for you. Getting married is a big life shift and sometimes its hard for parents to let go. Maybe your mom is having problems with you "growing up" and moving on, and she's found this one hangup as her way to express her issues, you know? Me personally, I would say to be strong and do what you and your FI want. Its your wedding, your marriage and your life. Its great to be considerate of your family and their feelings, but you need to start out your married life knowing that no one has influence over you. Just my opinion.

MrsMLRB · September 2010

I am the product of the marriage between a Jewish man and a woman who was raised Catholic but fell out of religion as she was older. Though we celebrated Christian holidays with my moms family, my brother and I never questioned that we were Jewish. Intermarriage can be a good thing so long as you are willing to make it work and make sure Judaism is important in the home.

Personally, if you are planning on having a Jewish home I would think you should have a Jewish wedding- a reform rabbi will marry you.

tenofcups4me · September 2010

It still sounds counter-intuitive to me that your mom would be happier with a secular ceremony than a religious one -- but you certainly know her and the situation better than we can in a couple of paragraphs! You might want to float the idea in casual conversation and see what her reaction is. But I do think the ceremony belongs primarily to the couple (whereas there's more flexibility with the reception) so I'd be inclined to go with whichever you and your FH think really reflects you and the statement you want to make about your lives.

As for the rest of it, if she really does like him, I imagine she'll come around eventually as she continues to see that the two of you are a good couple. In all honesty, it was a lot easier for me since my sister and several cousins married non-Jewish men before I did. By the time I got married, it was hardly even a blip while I know there were a lot more conversations with those married before me. I"d continue to remind her that you're planning to raise your kids Jewish since I imagine that's still a concern (even if she already knows it) and maybe point out that since he's not religious, it would be "wrong" for him to convert to a religion he doesn't actively believe in -- that he's actually showing more respect by not converting than he would by converting. Good luck.

slbriz34 · September 2010

One shouldn't convert if he/her heart isn't genuine or just to please family - which is exactly that your FI would be doing. If you have discussed and he's agreed to raise the children as Jewish, than frankly your mother is just being difficult to be that way and as someone who has had to deal with annoying in-laws, I'd be pretty annoyed if I was your FI.

Have whatever wedding you want; unless she's paying for it, you are an adult and perhaps you need to start cutting the cord a bit here. Put your foot down and be an adult and deal with the consequences accordingly. This is going to be your husband and your mother is going to have to get over that or deal with the after math.

Do try your best to work with her; having a difficult FIL and that whole side of the family, it's very stressful, especially around the holidays. But my DH has realized that our family unit comes first. You'll have to do the same...

GL.

cushie2 · September 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/cultural-wedding-boards_jewish-weddings_jewish-mama-woes?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Cultural%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:399Discussion:d4a77312-ad66-4b7d-ab01-9147af0a6defPost:041cec61-0692-4c51-8672-151d47ec5452">Re: Jewish Mama woes</a>:
[QUOTE]One shouldn't convert if he/her heart isn't genuine or just to please family - which is exactly that your FI would be doing. If you have discussed and he's agreed to raise the children as Jewish, than frankly your mother is just being difficult to be that way and as someone who has had to deal with annoying in-laws, I'd be pretty annoyed if I was your FI.
Posted by slbriz34[/QUOTE]

Very well put. That's exactly why he doesn't want to convert- it won't mean anything spiritually, it would simply be a label. She is being very difficult, I agree!!

FI and I just got home from some lovely Rosh Hashanah services, which he may have enjoyed more than I did. The evening reaffirmed the fact that what we are doing works for <em>US</em>, and that's what matters (insert warm fuzzies here).

lynniearudner · September 2010

What about something "in between?"

Im in exactly your situation (at least in the fact that I am jewish, FI is not, and my mom was originally very disappointed in that fact though she is not disappointed in him!)

You know your mom best, but this is what worked for us:

we are having a rabbi marry us (was important to me) with a ketubah (important to me) BUT some of the traditional jewish parts of the ceremony and reception (circling, bedeken, etc) have been omitted. there are actually few references to g-d, and very little hebrew (this was also in deference to FIs Methodist family who dont speak hebrew anyway!)

for us, it works. we have some traditional jewish elements, which we both like, but are not trying to claim that we are going "whole hog" (no non-kosher pun intended!) and i think that my mom feels ok with it. it will be familiar, but it wont upset her because we are not fulfilling her idea of what a "full jewish wedding" SHOULD be, since she feels we dont exactly meet the requirements of having one.

that was somewhat inarticulate. i hope it makes sense.

slbriz34 · September 2010

You also don't want to start a precedent, as it won't end once the wedding comes and goes. I am having this trouble now with DH, whose family constantly pressures him. There's something sad about a husband not putting his wife first and waiting for the entire YK to be complete to break the fast with her but instead is more worried about family feelings and not wanting to break old traditions to break the fast with them.

It starts with the wedding, then where does it end?! You'll be your own family unit and you have to do what works for you both. Please let us know how things turn out - I'd be super curious...

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