greetings, fellow ladies in waiting (and waiting, and waiting)

MrsTigger · June 2010

Im so happy to see a board just for us! I used to think I was a little wierd, planning a wedding without a ring on my finger, but I guess its pretty normal to look ahead (fun, too!).

In my case, its an act of faith. The man I love and I have, infact, talked about marriage, and have also talked about the kind of wedding we want. But, for now, we are temporarily out of each other's lives.

This time last year, I discovered that he had been living a double life. I thought I would know an addict when I saw one. I was wrong. He was using meth, and despite what the posters in the DMV might advertise, sometimes a meth addict does not look unhealthy. In fact, he is one of the most attractive men I have ever seen; Ironicly, he has perfect skin and teeth.

I wont go into detail, but we cant be together right now. But I know he wants to get clean and live a decent life. I still love him, and Ive been told by others that he still loves me. And Im hoping.

I wont wait forever, but I will wait until God tells me to move on.

ljewel422 · June 2010

So you're basically waiting around for a meth addict who you're not even sure is clean yet? Just wanted to make sure I read that correctly.

JadziaDax · June 2010

I am hoping you are not together now because he is in rehab?

**Mutley** · June 2010

In Response to <a href="http://sitelife.theknot.com/ver1.0/Forums/%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:66bdf846-13ee-4b81-91c2-77d327c56414Post:57325f1d-c5d3-4102-a2a9-aa245fa21032">greetings, fellow ladies in waiting (and waiting, and waiting)</a>:
[QUOTE]Im so happy to see a board just for us! I used to think I was a little wierd, planning a wedding without a ring on my finger, but I guess its pretty normal to look ahead (fun, too!). In my case, its an act of faith. The man I love and I have, infact, talked about marriage, and have also talked about the kind of wedding we want. But, for now, we are temporarily out of each other's lives. This time last year, I discovered that he had been living a double life. I thought I would know an addict when I saw one. I was wrong. He was using meth, and despite what the posters in the DMV might advertise, sometimes a meth addict does not look unhealthy. In fact, he is one of the most attractive men I have ever seen; Ironicly, he has perfect skin and teeth. I wont go into detail, but we cant be together right now. But I know he wants to get clean and live a decent life. I still love him, and Ive been told by others that he still loves me. And Im hoping. I wont wait forever, but I will wait until God tells me to move on.
Posted by MrsTigger[/QUOTE]

MidniteRae · June 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_greetings-fellow-ladies-waiting-waiting-waiting?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:136Discussion:66bdf846-13ee-4b81-91c2-77d327c56414Post:57325f1d-c5d3-4102-a2a9-aa245fa21032">greetings, fellow ladies in waiting (and waiting, and waiting)</a>:
[QUOTE]Im so happy to see a board just for us! I used to think I was a little wierd, planning a wedding without a ring on my finger, but I guess its pretty normal to look ahead (fun, too!). In my case, its an act of faith. The man I love and I have, infact, talked about marriage, and have also talked about the kind of wedding we want. But, for now, we are temporarily out of each other's lives. This time last year, I discovered that he had been living a double life. I thought I would know an addict when I saw one. I was wrong. He was using meth, and despite what the posters in the DMV might advertise, sometimes a meth addict does not look unhealthy. In fact, he is one of the most attractive men I have ever seen; Ironicly, he has perfect skin and teeth. I wont go into detail, but we cant be together right now. But I know he wants to get clean and live a decent life. I still love him, and Ive been told by others that he still loves me. And Im hoping. I wont wait forever, but I will wait until God tells me to move on.
Posted by MrsTigger[/QUOTE]

jeanacorina · June 2010

This post makes me sad.

It IS weird to plan a wedding before you're engaged and both people in the relationship are ready to plan a wedding. Most girls on this board are either in a stable, adult relationship and come here for the company of other women with similar experiences, or they're recently engaged or married and come to offer advice and talk to friends they made here before they were engaged.

I really hope that your guy is getting the help he needs. I also hope that you have a strong support network, because this must be a very difficult thing to deal with. I really cannot imagine it. I don't think now is the time to worry about wedding plans or even marriage (usually we all say "talk about marriage, not weddings!"). He needs to get through this and there's no telling how long that will take.

I am afraid you thinking about a wedding and marriage at this point will only put more stress on both of you. It sounds like you're nowhere near the position you guys should be for that.

hetshup · June 2010

Hello, my name is God, you should move on.

Seriously, You can't waste your life waiting for someone who may or may not come around. Get out, live life a little. If you need to, go to al-anon, you need your own treatment. Whatever he says, this is not your fault, you are NOT a horrible person for moving on.

Best of luck to you, and PM me if you need any help. We had a bury a good friend recently and it was the hardest thing I've had to do.

nefariousmango · June 2010

I agree with Hetchup; if he's not in rehab right now and you're not sure what he's really up to it may be time to move on. That doesn't mean you need to go out and find a replacement, but you also shoudn't keep your life on hold for this guy. If you're still single when he gets his $hit together, and you're still wanting to be with him, then it's meant to be.

brilibby4 · June 2010

I feel that a wedding should be FAR from your mind right now. If you an your ex get back together there are many issues to work out before considering a wedding would be a responsible and sensible choice to make. Trust issues for one. You said he was leading a "double life". Personally, I would find it very difficult to trust someone after that. Also, addictions do not just disappear. While I am assuming (and hoping) you mean he is in rehab right now, it will take him a long time to live a stable and honest life after his illness. Your relationship needs work before being stable enough for a marriage. PS a marriage is what is important, not a wedding. Do not get caught up in planning a wedding when you aren't even together. The basis behind a good wedding is a great relationship. Please reconsider your planning for the time being.

paintgirl · June 2010

Forget rehab. I bet he's in jail.

noelle24 · June 2010

honey, a wedding website is the absolute LAST place you need to be. Move on with your life. Start dating other people. If this relationship is meant to be, then you'll end up back in each other's lives AFTER he gets clean and STAYS that way for a LONG time. Seriously, put yourself first and start your life without him.

And for heaven's sake, stop planning a wedding (you shouldn't even be planning before you're engaged anyway, but considering the rest of your situation, it's a non-issue)

Narwhal · June 2010

Oh bless your heart.

tafft1 · June 2010

Move on , stop being an idiot. Sorry my tolerance for people waiitng around for anotjer to turn their life around is at it's limit. Nothing wrong with having faith , but it is very misplaced as are your priorities.

PandaBurr · June 2010

Don't read her other posts. You'll get a concussion.

tafft1 · June 2010

I'm really sorry I went and read the other posts..ugh.

Simply Fated · June 2010

Move on.

dwest2201 · June 2010

I am very sorry that you fell for someone who IS an addict. The biggest issue is that this man IS AN ADDICT and will be until the day that he dies, you do not recover from this... you can be clean but you will always be an addict. Meth is one of the most addicting drugs... relapse (even after very good rehab programs) is very likely.

I think that you should try to move on (not necessarily dating) with other aspects of life. You should look into a support group like ala-non or maybe a church group... my church has a group called "deceived but transformed" for women who have been lied to and either cheated on, there significant other had an addiction to drugs, alcohol or gambling. If you decide AFTER seeking some help for yourself that you still want to put yourself out there and try to be there for this man that is your decision to make... but please be informed about what could be involved in doing so.

I have one really good friend who is an addict, it started with alcohol and weed then he turned to pills and meth. He's been in and out of rehab for years (he missed my wedding because he was in rehab). He got himself 2 DUI's as well. He is now been clean and sober for over a year and is doing pretty well, but you can't help but worry about him relapsing again (he has about a half a dozen times to date). This guy was literally one of my best friends 10 years ago... we barely talk now. He works 3rd shift and lives over an hour away and I work first and have a little one. I still love him to death but through all of his struggles we have become more distant.

Also my suspicion is that he's in jail based on her not wanting to get into... rehab is looked at with sympathy and respect usually where as jail/prison is not.

oceana919 · June 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_greetings-fellow-ladies-waiting-waiting-waiting?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:136Discussion:66bdf846-13ee-4b81-91c2-77d327c56414Post:57325f1d-c5d3-4102-a2a9-aa245fa21032">greetings, fellow ladies in waiting (and waiting, and waiting)</a>:
[QUOTE]Im so happy to see a board just for us! [/QUOTE]

You really should lurk. If you had, you would be well aware of the fact that this board is not, in fact, solely reserved for those unengaged.

[QUOTE] I used to think I was a little wierd, planning a wedding without a ring on my finger, but I guess its pretty normal to look ahead (fun, too!). [/QUOTE]

It is weird to plan a wedding without being engaged (ring or not). Loftily looking at general ideas and storing them in the very back of your mind as possibilities = ok. Planning a wedding = not ok.

[QUOTE] In my case, its an act of faith. The man I love and I have, infact, talked about marriage, and have also talked about the kind of wedding we want. But, for now, we are temporarily out of each other's lives. This time last year, I discovered that he had been living a double life. I thought I would know an addict when I saw one. I was wrong. He was using meth, and despite what the posters in the DMV might advertise, sometimes a meth addict does not look unhealthy. In fact, he is one of the most attractive men I have ever seen; Ironicly, he has perfect skin and teeth. I wont go into detail, but we cant be together right now. But I know he wants to get clean and live a decent life. I still love him, and Ive been told by others that he still loves me. And Im hoping. I wont wait forever, but I will wait until God tells me to move on.
Posted by MrsTigger[/QUOTE]

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Holy Red Flags, Batman.

The very last place you need to be right now is looking at a wedding website. The very last thing you need to be doing right now is planning on wedding. The very last thing you need to be worrying about right now is linen colors and cake fillings. I understand that, given the stress of your current situation, this may be a form of escapism for you, but it's the wrong thing to be worrying about right now.
First of all, you need to sit down and seriously think about what implications your BF(?)'s situation has on your life - on you, on your relationship, on your future. Namely:

1) If he gets help, can you trust him to stay clean? Can you trust him with your finances? Can you trust him to go where he says he's going to go and do what he says he's going to do?
2) Are you ready to accept the consequences if he doesn't stay clean? If he ODs and leaves you a young widow or young single mother? If he cleans out your savings to pay for drugs? If he becomes abusive due to drug use? If he injures or kills someone under the influence and you are held financially responsible (as a married couple, your assets are his assets in the eyes of the law and lawsuit settlements)? If he contracts a disease while shooting up and (god forbid) passes it along to you or your child? If he does something stupid under the influence (has an affair, starts gambling, progresses into another type of addiction)?

3) What are you willing to tolerate? No slips? One slip? 100 slips?

4) Are you willing to commit the energy, time, expense, and patience to helping a former addict stay clean?

Second of all, you need to decide in what capacity you are going to be there for your BF as he tries to get sober. Are you there for him at a distance? Can you trust him enough to be around him? Are you willing to attend meetings or support groups? Would a support group for loved ones of addicts be beneficial to you? You need to take care of yourself at the same time as you take care of him.

I am in no way, shape or form saying that a former drug user cannot reform his ways. I happen to know for a fact that they can. People can turn their lives around and become good, clean (in the drug sense), law-abiding citizens. They can rebuild their lives and have a positive future. However, that process takes a lot of work, a lot of patience, and a huge commitment, not only on his part, but on yours too. You need to be 100% aware of the situation and all it's potential outcomes and consequences before you willingly enter a marriage with him.

I'm praying this whole post is a load of MUD, but just in case, I'm hoping you take a long hard look at what is important right now and do what's best for you and your relationship.

dwest2201 · June 2010

*Claps* A round of applause for Oceana... very well said.

**Mutley** · June 2010

I quoted this from my phone because I wanted to make sure that it was still around when I got home.

Oceana covered everything I was going to say.

chelspowers · June 2010

OP- Definitely stop planning a wedding. Let things happen as they should, when they should.

dwest- It's very unfortunate that you will always see your friend as an addict regardless of what he may accomplish in his life.

dwest2201 · June 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_greetings-fellow-ladies-waiting-waiting-waiting?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:66bdf846-13ee-4b81-91c2-77d327c56414Post:cc1ac57b-18a1-403c-8751-f99be5af58c6">Re: greetings, fellow ladies in waiting (and waiting, and waiting)</a>:
[QUOTE]OP- Definitely stop planning a wedding. Let things happen as they should, when they should. dwest- It's very unfortunate that you will always see your friend as an addict regardless of what he may accomplish in his life.
Posted by chelspowers[/QUOTE]

It's not about how I see him or anyone else. Once you have an addiction you are an addict, even after years of recovery you are still an addict. My friend knows this and he calls himself a recovering addict. The term is not meant to be derogatory but to explain that there is an underlying issue still present that he and anyone who chooses to be close to him needs to be aware of. Talking about drinking or drugs around him makes him uneasy. He says that sometimes he wakes up having had a nightmare that he relapsed and lost his job, his boyfriend (he's gay) and everything... just daily life is a struggle for him. He attends AA and NA meetings every single week and has for many years.

Also, I was a psychology major and I took multiple classes on drugs and their effects... science supports the idea that once you have taken a drug and experienced that first high that every high after is never the same, never as good and that is what keeps people coming back.

I know that people can and do overcome addiction. Most people who are addicts or know someone who is understand that calling someone an addict for the rest of their lives is not a put down. I do not say "You're an addict to his face" I don't have to if we go to a resturant and the server gives him a drink menu he tells them to keep it he's a recovering alcoholic. He is not ashamed of it, he's proud of the fact that he's been clean and sober for however hundred days he's at now.

raw1299 · June 2010

i also have someone dear to me who was addicted to drugs; my mother. people are right, they will always be addicted to the drug, no matter what. they may become sober, but they will always have that urge. shes been in and out of rehab many times, and in jail about 3 times, since she got out of jail in 2008, shes been totally sober. i have a good, loving relationship with her now. she will always be my mom and its hard to forget the things she did, but i forgive her because we all need to be forgiven for things that we've done.

if you really unconditionally love this man, you will do anything in your will to make him get better. get him into rehab. I dont want to discourage you, but my dad always struggled with my moms habit, and in the end they divorced. if he's not willing to change for you, then he's not worth it. well, you can't really change anyone. not to mention that he was doing this behind your back, when you two were together. if he was really sincere, he would of started quitting a long time ago.

catemeg · June 2010

Addictions to anything are perceived as permanent. Very few people have the self control to use something in moderation after being addicted.

My grandfather is a recovering alcohol. That sounds like he's still working at it, but he hasn't had a drink in over 30 years. He can be around alcohol, he can pour a beer and mix a drink, but he never has a problem. Even after 30 years, he still calls himself 'recovering'. It's part of admitting that the addiction is stronger than your willpower.

She's not being judgemental by calling him an addict, she's being supportive. And kudos to your friend!!!

Now, OP, this sounds like a heap of trouble. While I know we don't want to abandon someone at their time of need, your post didn't make it sound like he was taking steps to take control of his life. It sounded like you were waiting around in vain. Do something good for yourself - free yourself from this situation and MOVE ON!

greetings, fellow ladies in waiting (and waiting, and waiting)

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