Tired of the MOH do's and don'ts

lmansir10 · June 2010

After reading a few posts today, some much harsher than necessary (I really will never understand people's needs to just bash other people, but I've also accepted a long time ago that some people just never grow up).

The battle/arguments over what a MOH should do or shouldn't do, in my opinion is unecessary. There's truth to both sides. My thoughts are that it's not wrong for anyone to assume about things their MOH should do. Yes it is wrong to demand anything from anyone, but that's life too, not just in a wedding. Of course it's always the best course to prepare things yourself in case you don't get the help or advice you thought you might have recieved from a MOH-like person. (And again, obviously it doesn't make anyone a bad person that they didn't read your mind).

The truth is some MOH LOVE to help with everything, some like to help a little, some would just rather show up for the wedding and stand by your side, and of course some MOH turn in to total nightmares, aside from the last, all of these decisions are fine and should be respected.

So, while everyone has their own opinions about MOH "duties" or "no duties at all" I'm just saying I don't really think it matters. As long as you treat people with respect and not jump down anyone's throat, why is it so wrong for some people to think their MOH will help? Just because someone's MOH did go above and beyond and yours didn't - why do you care? (and vise-versa). Making assumptions and ordering people around are two entirely different things. There are the obvious lists of "don't" like don't not plan something and assume your MOH took care of it. I also don't think it's rude to ask before hand how much your MOH wants to be a part of your wedding. If we're all kind and mature adults it shouldn't be a problem.

Sorry if this sounded like an extremely long repetitive rant, I've just been really shocked and tired of how some posters really chew brides out for their thoughts on MOH's.

banana468 · June 2010

I don't think people "chew" brides out for their thoughts. It's when the thoughts turn into expectations and the expectations turn into demands.

zitiqueen · June 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_tired-of-moh-dos-donts?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:7a853adf-990b-4584-bf3e-ac5ac6d14dd1Post:b4a3456b-b1c0-49a5-9c46-d65f51d5a461">Tired of the MOH do's and don'ts</a>:
[QUOTE]After reading a few posts today, some much harsher than necessary (I really will never understand people's needs to just bash other people, but I've also accepted a long time ago that some people just never grow up). The battle/arguments over what a MOH should do or shouldn't do, in my opinion is unecessary. There's truth to both sides. My thoughts are that it's not wrong for anyone to assume about things their MOH should do. Yes it is wrong to demand anything from anyone, but that's life too, not just in a wedding. Of course it's always the best course to prepare things yourself in case you don't get the help or advice you thought you might have recieved from a MOH-like person. (And again, obviously it doesn't make anyone a bad person that they didn't read your mind). The truth is some MOH LOVE to help with everything, some like to help a little, some would just rather show up for the wedding and stand by your side, and of course some MOH turn in to total nightmares, aside from the last, all of these decisions are fine and should be respected. So, while everyone has their own opinions about MOH "duties" or "no duties at all" I'm just saying I don't really think it matters. As long as you treat people with respect and not jump down anyone's throat, why is it so wrong for some people to think their MOH will help? Just because someone's MOH did go above and beyond and yours didn't - why do you care? (and vise-versa). Making assumptions and ordering people around are two entirely different things. There are the obvious lists of "don't" like don't not plan something and assume your MOH took care of it. I also don't think it's rude to ask before hand how much your MOH wants to be a part of your wedding. If we're all kind and mature adults it shouldn't be a problem. Sorry if this sounded like an extremely long repetitive rant, I've just been really shocked and tired of how some posters really chew brides out for their thoughts on MOH's.
Posted by lmansir10[/QUOTE]

zitiqueen · June 2010

Oh my God, your message is sure to make everybody see the light!

Thank you, thank you, thank you, oh wise lmansir10! Whatever would we do without you?

gottahavashorti · June 2010

There's a big difference between expecting/requiring that your MOH do certain things and your MOH doing them of her own free will. Most good friends will go the extra mile, and it's okay to be disappointed if they don't. But it's not okay to hold it against them or get upset that they are busy or just aren't into wedding planning.

quotequeen · June 2010

This only comes up when a bride is mad at her MOH for not doing whatever it is she expects, or asking how she can kick her out of the wedding or demote her or whatever. So the bride is inherently not following your instructions.

trix1223 · June 2010

It's all about the "expectation" part of it.

Rarely, if ever, is someone treated disrespectfully here unless they come on asking how to fire or demote a MOH for not doing enough for them.

I think that some brides actually have forgotten that MAID of honor or BridesMAID is has been shortened from Maiden, rather than the proverbial maid who is a servant.

It's the sense of entitlement that many women have once a ring gets put on their finger that rankles here. And that's when, IMO, a reality check, a waked-up call, a "come to Jesus" meeting is called for.

Because losing a friend over a 1 day party is just never a good idea.

damaless · June 2010

While I understand that it's in poor taste to expect that your MOH or BMs should automatically jump to help you out with everything wedding related, and take the initiative to do stuff like showers, bachelorette parties, etc., I think people on this board sometimes see the words "bridesmaid" and "responsibilities" in the same sentence and immediately hop to the "YOUR BRIDAL PARTY HAS NO RESPONSIBILITIES" lecture. Sometimes I think isn't necessarily applicable if they had actually read and understood the whole post.

I think most of us agree that making polite requests of your bridal party (which they are allowed to decline, if they want) is within your rights. They are your closest family and friends, after all, and making polite requests of family and friends is not out of line. If those family and friends AGREE to fulfill those requests, I think they DO become their responsibilities. Fulfilling things that you said you would do for a close friend or family member IS your responsibility. Sometimes I think people skip reading the portion of the post where the OP asserts that she requested that her BMs do such-and-such a thing, and they all agreed to do it. Now, after they've agreed, it becomes an expectation (or responsibility) that they fulfill said request. Then later in the post the OP complains about how her MOH or a BM is not fulfilling said expectation, and everyone jumps down the OP's throat for having expectations of her bridal party.

I agree that sometimes, brides do go into the process expecting that their attendants are SUPPOSED to fulfill certain duties, and that is wrong. However, I don't think it's unreasonable that when a close friend of yours tells you that she will do something for you, that you expect that she will follow up on that claim.

CTGirl30 · June 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_tired-of-moh-dos-donts?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:7a853adf-990b-4584-bf3e-ac5ac6d14dd1Post:b4a3456b-b1c0-49a5-9c46-d65f51d5a461">Tired of the MOH do's and don'ts</a>:
[QUOTE]After reading a few posts today, some much harsher than necessary (I really will never understand people's needs to just bash other people, but I've also accepted a long time ago that some people just never grow up).

::sigh:: Moving on...

The battle/arguments over what a MOH should do or shouldn't do, in my opinion is unecessary. There's truth to both sides. My thoughts are that it's not wrong for anyone to assume about things their MOH should do. Yes it is wrong to demand anything from anyone, but that's life too, not just in a wedding.

This is true that's it's wrong to demand things of others any time but for some reason, in the middle of wedding planning, a lot of girls forget about good manners and otherwise sound advice that generally applies to life...it's like it all flies out in the window for some girls with their Specail Day looming. It's often referred to 'round these parts as "wedding brain."

Of course it's always the best course to prepare things yourself in case you don't get the help or advice you thought you might have recieved from a MOH-like person. (And again, obviously it doesn't make anyone a bad person that they didn't read your mind).

In terms of planning your wedding, yes. You and your FI should certainly be preparing things yourself. Nobody else is responsible for this - unless you hire a wedding planner and in that case, it's that person's job to do so.
In terms of showers or other pre-wedding parties, then no - it's not okay to prepare things in case a MOG doesn't "step up" (to use the phase often heard here). It's never okay for a bride to host a party in her own honor and anyone can host a shower or a bachelorette - it's usually the MOH who takes these on but it doesn't have to be. And if one has a MOH who's not up to it b/c she doesn't have the interest / time / funds to do so, a bride shouldn't get angry (disappointed is fine) and ruin her friendship over it.

The truth is some MOH LOVE to help with everything, some like to help a little, some would just rather show up for the wedding and stand by your side, and of course some MOH turn in to total nightmares, aside from the last, all of these decisions are fine and should be respected.

Absolutely agree with you here.

So, while everyone has their own opinions about MOH "duties" or "no duties at all" I'm just saying I don't really think it matters. As long as you treat people with respect and not jump down anyone's throat, why is it so wrong for some people to think their MOH will help?

If it were only this easy....many times the thinking their MOH will help turns into a sense of entitlement - as in "MOH should be attending bridal shows with me / addressing my invites / tying my favors / running errands to my venue but she's not interested! I'm thisclose to kicking her out!" Expect (and demand less) and people will be more likely, in many cases, to WANT to lend a hand when they can. It's when the bride expects a lot of other people's time and money that they're way more likely to end up disappointed when others don't fulfill their unrealistically high expectations.

Just because someone's MOH did go above and beyond and yours didn't - why do you care? (and vise-versa). Making assumptions and ordering people around are two entirely different things. There are the obvious lists of "don't" like don't not plan something and assume your MOH took care of it.

 I'm not sure I follow what you mean by don't plan something and assume MOH took care of it.

I also don't think it's rude to ask before hand how much your MOH wants to be a part of your wedding. If we're all kind and mature adults it shouldn't be a problem.

I didn't have a MOH - I had 4 BMs. And I didn't ask anyone how much they wanted to be a part of my wedding. Because based on the Yes answer they gave me that told me they wanted to be a part of my wedding. And there weren't degrees of that that I cared about. Because all I hoped for was that they'd be standing by me on my wedding day. They went above and beyond that and helped to organize a shower (hosted by 2 aunts) and planned / hosted a bachelorette weekend. They were supportive friends in general but they went above and beyond what I expected in terms of the wedding related activities. But I would never have thought to ask them off the bat how involved they planned to be. I asked them to honor them as my closest friends - not in hoping they'd be involved. (For many girls, "involved" is code for help out / throw parties. I tied my own favors, went to vendor visits with DH, and generally took care of it on my own or with his help.

Sorry if this sounded like an extremely long repetitive rant, I've just been really shocked and tired of how some posters really chew brides out for their thoughts on MOH's.
Posted by lmansir10[/QUOTE]

[Deleted User] · June 2010

It's not so much a matter of "duties" as it is brides coming on here bitching about how their MOHs won't be their personal slaves. My MOH helped out a lot, but never once did I ask her to do this or that or get all pissy when she didn't organize a shower. She did it because she wanted to. Most brides on here who make thoses posts are mad because they want their WP to do absolutely everything, which is wrong no matter how you look at it.

emilyinchile · June 2010

Ok then.

Would you like a cookie?

bablingbrooke · June 2010

Wow. After this post I think I'm going to change my POV completely and agree with whatever brides say because it's their special day and what they need is validation, not advice. Every idea they ever had is brilliant and if a wedding website says something is okay, it must be true. I mean when has anything on the internet every been wrong?

/sarcasm

CTGirl30 · June 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_tired-of-moh-dos-donts?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:7a853adf-990b-4584-bf3e-ac5ac6d14dd1Post:08be58f2-d741-4d3c-913f-8edf7162c118">Re: Tired of the MOH do's and don'ts</a>:
[QUOTE]Wow. After this post I think I'm going to change my POV completely and agree with whatever brides say because it's their special day and what they need is validation, not advice. Every idea they ever had is brilliant and if a wedding website says something is okay, it must be true. I mean when has anything on the internet every been wrong? /sarcasm
Posted by bablingbrooke[/QUOTE]

"But the Knot has this checklist of duties!"

<img src="http://cdn.cl9.vanillaforums.com/downloaded/ver1.0/content/scripts/tinymce/plugins/emotions/images/smiley-yell.gif" border="0" alt="Yell" title="Yell" />

bablingbrooke · June 2010

Exactly CT! And it's not like TK is a for-profit corporation who has an interest in making brides think that matching engraved flasks is a good BM gift or that BMs and MsOH have to buy all sorts of things for the bride to make her wedding worthwhile and memorable!

Oh, wait...

gottahavashorti · June 2010

But the etiquette book I ordered from Brides magazine with my UPC codes says they have duties too. If it says it in two not for profit places, it must be true!

blackfire5th · June 2010

OP- please refer to my siggy. That is the message we are trying to get across.

blackfire5th · June 2010

Also- if you are so tired of seeing it, then why did you stick around? Why even post this? Did you honestly think that you would change anyone's mind?

lmansir10 · June 2010

I think a lot of people may have misunderstood where I was coming from as there have been a few posts regarding wedding party/MOH "duties."
Firstly, I put "duties" in quotes for a reason. Never once did I suggest that MOH should buy a bridal magazine or print one from the internet and follow each item, and if she fails to complete everything she's a terrible person and horrible friend. But there is this idea of how a MOH is "supposed" to do things.

I believe I also noted there was a difference in thinking what a MOH should vs. what actually happens in reality. For example, Go wedding gown shopping with the bride and be honest when she steps out of the changing room. (and yes I purposefully took this from one of those online lists). Does the MOH HAVE to do this? Absolutely not. Is it wrong for a bride to think she should? No. What matters is how the bride handles her MOH not wanting to participate, or declining the offer. I also don't think it's rude for the bride to ask if her MOH would like to come. I think that's my point in a nutshell, I think.

And believe it or not I do have a life other than online posting. I rarely make posts. So will I volunteer to search through the hundreds of posts and find where a bride has questioned, commented, or complained about what her MOH did, didn't do, should have done, etc. and find people who have left unnecessarily rude or harsh comments? No, but I have seen them and they do exist.

And the sarcastic comments, really? If their are posters who want to refer to a time when we used Maidens of honor, and the "old days" where MOH just stood by and supported their friend the bride (which is TOTALLY still acceptable, I'm not saying it isn't) ...maybe you should really think about what community postings are actually supposed to be for, and how to give actual advice.

While I do realize the above comment could actually be considered immature, I'm not looking to start some ridicilious heated debate with people I don't even know online. Because of today's people and society I'm sure there will be additional comments to this that are, I'll say it, stupid, I actually won't be responding to anything like that, which would add fuel to the fire. But if anyone would like to continue the MOH debate normally I'd continue that as well. Or maybe I'll just forget about this post entirely.

Again I apologize for the extremely long post - but I think everyone does it now and again.

mbcdefg · June 2010

I also don't think it's rude for the bride to ask if her MOH would like to come. I think that's my point in a nutshell, I think.

I don't think I've ever heard anyone on this board say that it's rude for the bride to ask the MOH or a BM to do something (within reason) for her. Such as dress shopping.

You said that you don't take the lists from the Knot, magazines, bridal books, etc., as canon, and the people you're bashing agree with that. You said that you don't consider it rude to ask for help, and everyone agrees. You said that the MOH doesn't have a set list of duties, and everyone agrees.

So, I'm not quite sure what you're so upset about. Seems like your line of thinking is pretty on-par with everyone else here. "It's nice if they do extra stuff, but they don't have to," pretty much?

lmansir10 · June 2010

"It's nice if they do extra stuff, but they don't have to,"

Ya that is pretty much my point. I'm not upset at all, I wasn't really bashing anyone from this stream of posts, there have been previous posts where a bride has said something along the lines of what she thought her MOH was going to do, and then MOH didn't do. And then she had all these posts about how she never should have thought her MOH should do anything and it was wrong and rude of her to think her MOH was supposed to have done something
My argument is that it wasn't wrong for her to think her MOH would do things for her. Yes, that is an expectation, but the bride took care of it, but just thought her MOH would have taken care of it. (I don't exactly recall what the "it" was, this is just one of the examples I remember).

emilyinchile · June 2010

So basically you think that it's ok for a bride to be surprised if a friend doesn't do a traditional MOH duty as long as she doesn't freak out and start demanding that friend fall into line, right?

In that case you agree with the vast majority of regs on this board, and I don't understand why you felt the need to make two long posts about it. Not being rude, just really don't understand the motivation behind this one.

blackfire5th · June 2010

I agree with mbc and emily. You are agreeing with everything we say. I'm not really seeing your point with this post. I feel like you are telling us our behavior is inappropriate and that we should respond in the exact same way we have.

bablingbrooke · June 2010

Now I'm really confused. Was the point that you want us to be honest, just not brutally honest? I don't even think this board is that bad. Try hanging out on E for awhile.

stina93446 · June 2010

Ditto Brooke. OP, if you think WE'RE blunt, check out E. I double dog dare you.

bablingbrooke · June 2010

The reason why Trix and others bring up the "origins" of BMs as bridesmaidens and ways of warding off evil spirits is that many girls try to cry, "But it's traditional for her to wear what I tell her and throw me parties!" and it becomes incumbent on people who have the information to let them know that such "traditions" are relatively recent phenomena.

Sarcasm is a great way of pointing out that someone is focusing too much on the style of the wedding and not enough on the substance. Or to point out that posting an entire thread scolding people is rude in itself.

stacy&tige · July 2010

The only thing you can do is ask for help from them if you really need it...but she can also say no. You choose your MOH because she is your BFF, the person who is there for you no matter what. Hopefully if you need her to help you or to accomplish a task she can accomodate you. But to expect, demand or give her a list of duties is ridiculous. The people doing stuff for he wedding should be you and your fiance.

My MOH would plan my entire weddig for me if I wanted her too. She's so excited for me, the same way I was for her wedding. But not everyone is excited to be put in that spot. That's just life.

Tired of the MOH do's and don'ts

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