Man on the Bride's Side

greenwoodheights · October 2012

Hi there-
I was wondering if anyone here had a guy in their wedding party. If you did, a couple of questions out of curiosity. For one, how did you work with those elements that traditionally make assumptions on gender? For example, if you had a bridal shower and bachelorette, did he attend? I just always assumed that your bridal party was invited to these things, but perhaps what's really being said is "women you are close to" are invited? I'd like to think he'd say if these parties would be weird for him (even if the "LADYPARTY" vibe these parties seem to encompass is toned down- he'd still be the only male) to be at, but I'm not sure he'll be upfront and I'd rather not put him in an awkward position in the first place (also I know that doing co-ed shower/bach isn't an option- FI doesn't want that and I understand).

How did you handle the recessional, when traditionally each of the wedding party "pairs off" with someone on the other side? I have family I have to invite who are kind of, I don't know, not very worldly I guess. Two guys walking together back down the aisle is not even a thing, but for some family, fodder for BS, and I know I shouldn't give a *** about what other people say, but I get defensive about ignorant gay jokes (esp. as he is gay), and if I overhear anything...anyway, is there any good reason why you never see everyone just heading back down separately?

I am sure there is no absolute right or wrong, but it helps to have a point of reference to draw on. So, personal accounts, if anyone's been there, would sure help. Thanks.

artbyallie · October 2012

The only rule is to let him do what he is comfortable with.

GoodLuckBear14 · October 2012

Don't have them walk in pairs down or up the aisle. Have the grooms attendants standing up there already and have your attendants walk down. On the way back up they can alwys "zipper" up (one from on eside goes, then one from the other side and so forth).

As for the pre wedding parties, invite any guys on your side. They don't have to attend if they don't want to. FWIW though, I was the Best Woman at a wedding in Ireland and hosted the Bachelor Party.

greenwoodheights · October 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_man-on-the-brides-side?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:86dda781-9795-45b0-816d-053dd9c6aba0Post:dae1b0ab-8b7f-4678-8cd4-564e4cec2ee8">Re: Man on the Bride's Side</a>:
[QUOTE]The only rule is to let him do what he is comfortable with.
Posted by artbyallie[/QUOTE]

"I'd like to think he'd say if these parties would be weird for him...to be at, but I'm not sure he'll be upfront..."

What I mean is, in the interest of being agreeable (that's just his nature) I'm not sure if I'll get a clear answer on what he feels ok with to begin with. And may not find out if he's feeling out of place until after the fact. So I'm looking for ways to modify tradition to avoid that situation altogether.

greenwoodheights · October 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_man-on-the-brides-side?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:86dda781-9795-45b0-816d-053dd9c6aba0Post:327f305a-a49d-4fc4-b7e7-4805972a966b">Re: Man on the Bride's Side</a>:
[QUOTE]Don't have them walk in pairs down or up the aisle. Have the grooms attendants standing up there already and have your attendants walk down. On the way back up they can alwys "zipper" up (one from on eside goes, then one from the other side and so forth). As for the pre wedding parties, invite any guys on your side. They don't have to attend if they don't want to. FWIW though, I was the Best Woman at a wedding in Ireland and hosted the Bachelor Party.
Posted by GoodLuckBear14[/QUOTE]

I won't be able to implement the party idea (no guys on my side to invite that wouldn't feel awkward because it's just "not done"- they're pretty traditional), but that "zipper" idea, maybe that's the way to go. I thought it would drag at first, but given some couples have twice the size wedding party as mine, maybe it would be ok. Thanks!

greenwoodheights · October 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_man-on-the-brides-side?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:86dda781-9795-45b0-816d-053dd9c6aba0Post:5410a5bb-bf73-4582-869c-ad23a8800b75">Re: Man on the Bride's Side</a>:
[QUOTE]My Man of Honor planned my shower and cohosted my bach party, so he was at both of them. My brother, who was also on my side, was given the option to attend my shower but declined. I did not invite him to my b-party because that had the potential to get very very awkward. He did attend DH's bach party though. It really is about what he's comfortable with, and if he's close enough to be included in your WP, he should be close enough that you can privately discuss it with him and ask him to be honest. As for walking, we had mixed genders on both sides, so we just had the guys and girls "pair up" on the same side (bridesman and bridesmaid, groomsman and groomsmaid), but if that had not been the case, we would have just had the best man and moh walk out side by side without linking arms.
Posted by StageManager14[/QUOTE]

I can ask him for honesty, I'm just concerned about actually getting it when it comes to where he thinks he'll make waves...but I am going to try to something along the lines of your wording, that if we're this close, he shouldn't worry about being totally upfront. And I'll emphasize that aside from me, he should try not to let other guests' opinions affect him. I know a few shower-attending older relatives won't get it if a man is there, yet I don't want to say "Listen, I'd love to invite you but the older ladies, you know..." He's important to me, and if he's interested in being a part of it, I'd like him there; I'll just have to figure out how to deal with these people who are huge on Tradition so they don't make it awkward.

I'm assuming no one got judgemental re: your friend, i.e. "What? A GUY at the shower?" and were cool?

calliopeia2013 · October 2012

We're not having a shower and having a co-ed bach party (I have guys on my side and FI has women on his). We're having the wedding party recess single file, alternating sides.

HobokensFury · October 2012

We had a Best Woman and Man of Honor at our wedding. The fulfilled the traditional gender roles because thay's what they wanted to do.

coopsbaby · October 2012

My son is standing on my side (as my best dude). He's invited to the shower, but likely not coming. We did a waterpark for the bachelorette, so he came with his girlfriend.

We are not having the wedding party process out in pairs, since fi's side is all guys in their 40s that my kids have never met, and mine is my 3 kids. My son would deal, but my daughters (17 and 14) think it's "creepy" to walk out with OLD guys. We're having my side go out first, and then his.

Lisa50 · October 2012

My adult son was my best man. H had a best man.

We processed to the canopy single file, one line behind the minister. My son held my bouquet during the ring exchange (one of the best ceremony photos, BTW!). He wore a classic black tuxedo, as did H and his best man, but his tux (owns) was different than theirs (rented). As a young adult, he accessorized with silk polka dot braces, a bow tie and rainbow socks. H and his best man accessorized with black vests, ties and socks.

There were no showers or b-parties. H, my son, a couple of friends and I had went out for a celebratory dinner together the night before the wedding (no rehearsal), so no debaucherous shenanigans to report. Sorry.

I have no idea how he and my husband's best man recessed, H and I were the first to leave the canopy ... LOL!

stantokm · October 2012

You can still have two guys walk down the aisle as a pair--instead of having one guy take the other's arm (like a BM would do for a GM), just have them maybe high-five when they meet to walk down and then have their arms at their sides or them each clasping their own hands behind their backs.

I doubt that anyone will say anything to your or him about his being gay--and if they do, you should politely say that he'd your friend, you love him, and you and FH are thrilled that he's in your wedding and able to attend whatever parties he winds up attending. If you're firm, people probably won't bother to push the subject--they'll know that you're not listening.

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