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I've been nominated to throw a party and I have no idea what to call it!!! (Long)

angela72023angela72023
100 Comments
in Wedding Etiquette Forum
Hi Ladies

My BIL is getting married June 3rd (apparently, though invitations haven't been sent yet). We aren't throwing my FSIL a shower because they are only inviting immediate family to the wedding (on BIL's side-which means brothers and their wives and kids and his parents only), but on my FSIL's side, she is inviting her whole family and her close friends. This leaves out a ton of people on my H's side of the family, but appparently that is BIL's decision, in order to keep the guest list under 60 (H has a hugh family!).

H's (BIL's) family are going to be offended and hurt and it's going to cause all kinds of friction, but it is their choice and there's nothing I can do about that part of it. To give perspective on H's family, my SIL only invited immediate family to her son's 1st birthday party (still 30 people) and 3 of the aunts didn't talk to her for a year, wouldn't talk to me if I was with her, and told several of H's cousins how SIL had hurt them by leaving them out of such an important occassion. So this is really going to irritate them.

Oh---AND it's BIL's 3rd marriage and FSIL's 2nd.

Sorry for all the background, but I needed to say all that to (hopefully) explain my situation. So they are having a wedding and then a cake and punch reception afterward, then going away for the weekend.

So, here's my situation---I have been asked by MIL to throw them a "party" the following weekend and to invite all of our extended family, so that they don't feel like they have been completely left out of the celebration. I think it's tacky and rude, but my H is insisting we throw the event.

My 1st problem (besides the fact that I don't think this party should happen at all): They've been living together for about a year, they have postponed the wedding twice and since we are less than a month out with no formal invitations, what happens if I send out invites for this "party" and then they don't go through with the wedding? I can't wait until 2 weeks before the party to send out invitations, but with no wedding invitations out, I am worried they will postpone again and then I've got a party to cancel/explain etc...

My 2nd problem is I have no idea what to call this event or what to say to the aunts who will call (and they will call) to ask if the wedding invitations have gone out yet, because they haven't received one.

So, wow this turned out long - sorry for that - and if I'm overthinking this too much, please tell me I'm an idiot and this isn't a big deal Tongue out

TIA for your advice!
"It is never to late to become what you might have been..."
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Re: I've been nominated to throw a party and I have no idea what to call it!!! (Long)

  • CellesCelles member
    2500 Comments Combo Breaker
    Honestly?  I would turn down hosting duties and let MIL host it herself if it is that important to her.
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  • hlq2011hlq2011
    1000 Comments
    Ditto Celles.  That seems like a lot of hassle.

    I'd offer to help her out with it, but no one can make you host a party for someone.
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  • cenglecengle member
    Knottie Warrior 1000 Comments
    I'm also wondering why YOU have to host it. If MIL wants it so badly, she can do it.

    If you do go through with it, I would probably just say you're having a family reunion, since ultimately that's what it is, right? I wouldn't throw a party for them, honestly.
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  • mizjodimizjodi member
    1000 Comments
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_ive-nominated-throw-party-idea-call-long?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:47c84696-f5a5-4584-921c-318265872766Post:5421d31e-4230-4183-8817-a044577b4f12">Re: I've been nominated to throw a party and I have no idea what to call it!!! (Long)</a>:
    [QUOTE]Honestly?  I would turn down hosting duties and let MIL host it herself if it is that important to her.
    Posted by Celles[/QUOTE]

    This
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  • thesequelthesequel
    100 Comments
    Wow...that sounds like a ticking family bomb waiting to happen.  I feel for you!  

    I'd turn it down and have the MIL host it.  You can attend as a cheerful guest without the stress that seems to be building.

    Good luck!
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  • DodgersBrideDodgersBride member
    1000 Comments
    I agree with Celles. If MIL wants them to have a party then MIL should host it herself. Also if your H wants to host the party then he should do so with his mother. I have to wonder if any of the groom's family will attend this party if they are upset over not being invited to the actual wedding and their son's birthday party.
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  • cpfwvucpfwvu member
    10 Comments

    You could call it a trainwreck.

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  • janicejabjanicejab
    500 Comments
      It almost sounds like they're expecting you to throw the reception they couldn't afford. Why would a SIL throw a reception for her in-laws? If it's so important to your MIL to have a party for people who aren't invited to the wedding, she should've offered to help financially with the cake and punch reception so everyone could be invited. She shouldn't put that responsibility on you.
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  • SirJuliusVonHaastSirJuliusVonHaast
    100 Comments
    I agree with everyone else, but in case you can't get out of hosting it without starting WW III:

    1. Tell FSIL/MIL that you have the invitations all ready and you will send them out as soon as wedding invitations are sent. 

    2. maybe call it a "Family Gathering to celebrate the marriage of BIL/FSIL" 


    Definitely do what you can to get out of hosting it though. Not only does it sound stressful, but I think it will also reflect poorly on you and probably turn the grouchy aunts against you. 
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  • sarah0725sarah0725
    5000 Comments
    Why can't they have the family at the wedding if all they're having is a cake and punch reception? It seems like it would be better for everyone if all the guests were accomodated at the same event, even if it's a casual cake and punch thing or barbecue.
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  • ggirl2001ggirl2001 member
    Ninth Anniversary 2500 Comments 5 Love Its Combo Breaker
    So they want to do a cake and punch reception and then have you pay for the extended family to come over?
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  • achiduckachiduck member
    5000 Comments 5 Love Its
    Getting nominate to host (ie pay for) a party sucks donkey balls. My brother's FI wanted me to throw their buck & doe (fundraising party for the wedding) and I totally backed out.
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  • AbbeyS2011AbbeyS2011 member
    1000 Comments
    If she wants a party for FH's family, then she can host it.

    Not your issue or your H's hun. 
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  • angela72023angela72023
    100 Comments
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_ive-nominated-throw-party-idea-call-long?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:47c84696-f5a5-4584-921c-318265872766Post:77850941-cf58-446a-b66f-1509dc2e34a2">Re: I've been nominated to throw a party and I have no idea what to call it!!! (Long)</a>:
    [QUOTE]So they want to do a cake and punch reception and then have you pay for the extended family to come over?
    Posted by ggirl2001[/QUOTE]

    OK, so I didn't want to be too snarky and say that, but yeah, that's exactly how I feel! And H will not go against his mom, so I'm going to have to do it. I host all baby and wedding showers, holiday dinners and any other family get togethers. I feel like H's family thinks that since we have the biggest house and are financially stable, it's our responsibility. I don't mind usually, but I really do feel like I'm being taken advantage of and we have really just finished paying off our wedding from last summer, but they don't want to put out a lot of money so we'll just ask Angela to do it. UGH! Thanks for letting me vent and not making me feel like I'm being a baby!
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  • cenglecengle member
    Knottie Warrior 1000 Comments
    OP: You're definitely being taken advantage of. There's no doubt.  I think you need to have a long talk with your H, because you guys need to be on the same page. It's not your responsibility to do anything. If you don't ever put your foot down, there will be a lot more of this in your future.

    Does your H WANT to do this for his family, or is he just going along with it b/c his mom wants him to?
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  • ggirl2001ggirl2001 member
    Ninth Anniversary 2500 Comments 5 Love Its Combo Breaker
    I would definitely have a long talk with H about this. I think its unreasonable that they asked you to throw a party for them. Or, if you do end up doing it. I would have it be very small and limit exactly who gets invited.
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  • angela72023angela72023
    100 Comments
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_ive-nominated-throw-party-idea-call-long?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:47c84696-f5a5-4584-921c-318265872766Post:fc22f6c1-87fc-4d3a-b87c-544b14ce0652">Re: I've been nominated to throw a party and I have no idea what to call it!!! (Long)</a>:
    [QUOTE]OP: You're definitely being taken advantage of. There's no doubt.  I think you need to have a long talk with your H, because you guys need to be on the same page. It's not your responsibility to do anything. If you don't ever put your foot down, there will be a lot more of this in your future. <strong>Does your H WANT to do this for his family, or is he just going along with it b/c his mom wants him to?
    </strong>Posted by cengle[/QUOTE]

    H really wants us to do this. There is a lot more back story as to why, but basically his parents can't afford to and we can and he and his brother are really close and he feels like this is just something we should do. It's not the money that I mind, it's just that I don't think they're doing this the right way and I don't really want to be in the middle when it blows up, which it will...MIL thinks the only way to appease the family is by having this get together. And I am supposed to say it is a celebration of the marriage...no trying to pull it off as a family reunion! Thanks for all your input, really makes me feel better, I like the not sending my invites out until the wedding ones get sent, thanks for that :)
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  • MissKate2011MissKate2011 member
    100 Comments
    Wow that seriously sucks. 

    Sounds like this party you're being forced to host will cost more than the actual wedding. 

    Ask her if you can just pitch in for the cake after the wedding and invite everyone to that instead of having to dedicate 2 weekends to this nonsense...
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  • cenglecengle member
    Knottie Warrior 1000 Comments
    Ok, if your H really wants to do this for his family, then that's different than you both being forced to do this.

    Next question: would it be possible for you two to help pay for the reception and invite the whole family then? That seems like a whole lot less trouble, and it sounds like it would make more people happier, since they would get to go the actual wedding. Plus, it would be more proper. Is this a possibility?

    FTR: I still think it's nonsense that your MIL puts this on you both, without your offering to do it.
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  • tenofcups4metenofcups4me member
    2500 Comments 5 Love Its Combo Breaker
    If your DH wants to do this so badly, I'd hand it over to him to handle. Honest. If he can't plan a party as well as you can, oh well. If I were in this position, I'd give it to DH to handle and basically attend as a guest.
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  • sarah0725sarah0725
    5000 Comments
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_ive-nominated-throw-party-idea-call-long?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:47c84696-f5a5-4584-921c-318265872766Post:da233d48-7a2b-4e56-a0d3-ae3bc0aabcda">Re: I've been nominated to throw a party and I have no idea what to call it!!! (Long)</a>:
    [QUOTE]Ok, if your H really wants to do this for his family, then that's different than you both being forced to do this. Next question: would it be possible for you two to help pay for the reception and invite the whole family then? That seems like a whole lot less trouble, and it sounds like it would make more people happier, since they would get to go the actual wedding. Plus, it would be more proper. Is this a possibility? FTR: I still think it's nonsense that your MIL puts this on you both, without your offering to do it.
    Posted by cengle[/QUOTE]

    This sounds like the best thing to me, too. Or, if you guys have such a big place that you can have the family over, could you host the wedding at your house somehow?

    We kind of dither about whether or not "he who pays, says" should be enforced, but in some ways I feel that since it is your money and your name on the line, you have a right to come up with an etiquette situation that you can feel comfortable with. You and H should sit down with BIL and FSIL (maybe leave Mom out, since she seems like the overbearing one) and come up with a solution that works for all of you. If you guys are throwing this nice party, I don't see why it can't be the actual wedding.
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  • artbyallieartbyallie mod
    Moderator Eighth Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_ive-nominated-throw-party-idea-call-long?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:47c84696-f5a5-4584-921c-318265872766Post:25725826-4065-4276-a310-625643f67733">Re: I've been nominated to throw a party and I have no idea what to call it!!! (Long)</a>:
    [QUOTE]You could call it a trainwreck.
    Posted by cpfwvu[/QUOTE]

    <div>I think this is right. WTF is up with your H? He needs to back you up because you're his wife. Ditto PP who said HE should be the one planning this thing if he wants it so bad.</div>
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  • MyNameIsNotMyNameIsNot member
    Knottie Warrior 10000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    I think I would tell MIL that I don't feel comfortable being the host of this, but that she's welcome to use my house and do the planning, and I'll help with some of the logistics. Basically, you can still make your H happy and be involved, but make MIL deal with the blow back and invitation issues.  
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  • Kristin789Kristin789 member
    Sixth Anniversary 2500 Comments 25 Love Its Combo Breaker
    This:
    />>I think I would tell MIL that I don't feel comfortable being the host of this, but that she's welcome to use my house and do the planning, and I'll help with some of the logistics. Basically, you can still make your H happy and be involved, but make MIL deal with the blow back and invitation issues.  

    So MIL can design and word the invitations however she pleases, something like this:

    Mr. and Mrs. John Jones
    request the pleasure of your company
    at a celebration of the marriage of our son
    Mr. Michael Anthony Jones
    and
    Miss Eve Leigh Smith
    daughter of Mr. and Mrs. Mark Smith
    on Saturday, July fifth
    at half after five in the afternoon
    at the home of Mr. and Mrs. Kyle Jones
    1124 Elm Street
    Toledo, Ohio
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  • TexGal76TexGal76
    10 Comments
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_ive-nominated-throw-party-idea-call-long?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:47c84696-f5a5-4584-921c-318265872766Post:2e9a5321-3d6e-44cf-a031-7b30483ff6fc">Re: I've been nominated to throw a party and I have no idea what to call it!!! (Long)</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: I've been nominated to throw a party and I have no idea what to call it!!! (Long) : I think this is right. WTF is up with your H? He needs to back you up because you're his wife. Ditto PP who said HE should be the one planning this thing if he wants it so bad.
    Posted by artbyallie[/QUOTE]

    OMG!!!  My thoughts exactly...my ex-husband's family was the same way.  Overbearing.  And he never stood up for me either.  If he's that close to his brother, let him do it.  It sucks being in the middle of family drama like that....I know!
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