I hate weddings. How to avoid my own?

Knottie_22382482 · March 2013

So I have always been an anti wedding girl to the point where I don't even attend them.

I recently got enaged after 7 years of dating my boyfriend. I am so anti traditional that I didn't even want a ring that looked like an engagement ring.

I don't want any hoopla, gifts, partys, bridesmaids or any crap surrounding a wedding. I think they are a waste of time and money.

The problem is my boyfriend would like to have celebrations and a small wedding.

To me even having 4 people at a wedding is to many.

How do I explain my point of view to family who want to send cards and buy gifts when I don't want them to, but don't want to seem rude.

I'm a non traditional girl and will never give in to the norm and won't budge on this one. I'd rather die than prance down the aisle in a stupid white dress.

HobokensFury · March 2013

First of all I know this is not your intention but the tone of your OP can offend some people especially the "prance down the aisle in a stupid white dress line". There is a way to express your POV without being insulting to those that want all the "hoopla" as you put it.

But to answer your question express to your FI your desires for your wedding. If a "big" wedding is important to him both of you are going to have to come to some kind of compromise.

HobokensFury · March 2013

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_just-engaged-proposals_i-hate-weddings-how-to-avoid-my-own?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:683Discussion:33b91097-1df1-4b96-b25e-a7af06fa8e45Post:dc406da3-ff0f-4fc9-ba45-1d5b2ed73648">I hate weddings. How to avoid my own?</a>:
[QUOTE]So I have always been an anti wedding girl to the point where I don't even attend them. I recently got enaged after 7 years of dating my boyfriend. I am so anti traditional that I didn't even want a ring that looked like an engagement ring. I don't want any hoopla, gifts, partys, bridesmaids or any crap surrounding a wedding. I think they are a waste of time and money. The problem is my boyfriend would like to have celebrations and a small wedding. To me even having 4 people at a wedding is to many. How do I explain my point of view to family who want to send cards and buy gifts when I don't want them to, but don't want to seem rude. I'm a non traditional girl and will never give in to the norm and won't budge on this one. I'd rather die than prance down the aisle in a stupid white dress.
Posted by theantiweddingbride[/QUOTE]

JIC

AddieCake · March 2013

I proudly pranced in my stupid white dress! I agree with Hoboken. This is something you and your fiance are going to have to compromise on. I suggest maybe a small, intimate ceremony of only immediate family and a slightly larger reception. This is the part where I would normally say, "Congrats and happy planning!" but I fear I will offend you with that, so I will just say, "Best of luck!"

Knottie_22382482 · March 2013

Sorry it's not my intention to offend anyone. I guess that's what I'm having a hard time with. Why am I expected to want all of this and people get so upset when I don't? My dream wedding is to go to city hall or elope with just me and my fiance and no guests. I don't want gifts for doing nothing. I work in the event industry and am jaded by all of the bridal suites I have been in and event halls I have seen. They are like factories. I feel like a wedding just isn't for me because its a very intimate Moment that I don't want 30 people watching me for. I feel like the dude in this relationship! Lol

BulgariHeart · March 2013

You and your FI need to sit down and come to an agreement/compromise over the style of your wedding. You can have it however non traditional as long as it reflects the both of you equally and both of you are on board with the plan. As far as gifts or celebrations, don't be the one to mention them until they are offered; chances are that the ones who love you will be happy to extend their congratulations or gifts, let them, they might feel traditional about it

and just enjoy the lovely gestures.

Knottie_22382482 · March 2013

Thank You for the opinions! My career is being the center of attention at events (i'm a performer) so I think I feel like I would love a day where I don't have to be!

I would love for people to donate to homeless or City Harvest types of charitys instead of gifts. My fiance loves the idea of new blenders. haha Hopefully we can compromise as long as it stays really really unique with no typical wedding stuff.

He is from a Jewish family and I am from a single parent, non religous family so our traditions are very different. I can only count on one hand the close friends and family I have to invite where he could probably have 100 if he wanted.

It would be a little embarrassing to have 4 or 5 people show up for me and that many that I don't know :P

Again, sorry if my opinions offended anyone I find it to be a hard topic to discuss without people getting mad at me because i'm mouthy ;D

AprilH81 · March 2013

I'm in a similar situation with my BF as we talk about future wedding plans. He has been married before and doesn't want a "wedding" (he would prefer to elope). I have not been married and would like a smallish (50-70 people) wedding.

We are both trying to compromise and it can be hard. I suggest coming up with the most 3-5 important things about how each of you sees your wedding day and seeing what is the same/similar and what can work well with the other's vision.

As long as both of you agree with the plans and that you are properly hosting any guests that is all that matters. You want a zebra print pantsuit as your "wedding dress"? Go for it...

s-aries8990 · March 2013

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_just-engaged-proposals_i-hate-weddings-how-to-avoid-my-own?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:683Discussion:33b91097-1df1-4b96-b25e-a7af06fa8e45Post:b10bcc47-b06b-45a6-84ae-6108f3b3d183">Re: I hate weddings. How to avoid my own?</a>:
[QUOTE]Thank You for the opinions! My career is being the center of attention at events (i'm a performer) so I think I<strong> feel like I would love a day where I don't have to be! </strong>I would love for people to <strong>donate to homeless or City Harvest types of charitys instead of gifts. My fiance loves the idea of new blenders. </strong>haha Hopefully we can compromise as long as it stays really really unique with no typical wedding stuff. He is from a Jewish family and I am from a single parent, non religous family so our traditions are very different. I can only count on one hand the close friends and family I have to invite where he could probably have 100 if he wanted. It would be a little embarrassing to have 4 or 5 people show up for me and that many that I don't know :P Again, sorry if my opinions offended anyone I find it to be a hard topic to discuss without people getting mad at me because i'm mouthy ;D
Posted by theantiweddingbride[/QUOTE]

See if you can do a smaller wedding with 50 people or less! Also, have a more casual reception, like with no spotlight dances or cake cutting (if you wish) becuase that will help take eyes off of you a bit.

Also- if there are a few things FI wants, register for them. If you're asked, tell them "we're registered at X, but you're are more than welcome to just make a donation to your favorite charity like (insert charity here) because FI and I have everything we need."
:)

Knottie_22382482 · March 2013

No, even 10 people invited is pushing it for me. Eloping sounds like a good option!

mcda04 · March 2013

I answered to your post on the offbeat board.

http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-theme-boards_offbeat-weddings_so-offbeat-that-i-dont-want-a-wedding

Knottie_22382482 · March 2013

Wish I could do a backyard thing but we lve in Manhattan-no backyards here lol

rachillsk8 · March 2013

I have a similar viewpoint. Been a bridesmaid in too many weddings that were drama and a headache and the thought of spending that much money on a wedding makes me cringe. (I'd rather pay down student loans or do some reonvations on our house with that money. And my fiance has two young kids from his first marriage, who we have full custody of, and we need to make sure we are saving for their college and other things.)

I think we will do a small ceremony, whether it's at city hall or a park. Then we'll have a party at my parents' house in the back yard. I don't want a shower. I don't want a bachelorette party. I just want to have fun. Volleyball net, let all the kids run around with squirt guns or whatever. I'll do the white dress thing but it's just past knee length and simple. No wedding party. No cake, but cupcakes or cake pops. My fiancee's brother is a DJ and I'll take him up on his offer to play music, but no chicken dance or line dancing or that stuff. I want to invite everyone under the understanding that they are not expected to bring gifts, that way we don't run into awkward situations (I play a team sport and have done so with the same girls since I was a kid--how do I invite some without inviting the whole team? Same with my closely-knit department at work, I can't invite a few without inviting everyone).

So far my fiance seems on board. His first wedding was a huge formal affair so aside from my general dislike for weddings, I want this to be as different as possible!!!!!

rascha · March 2013

In Response to Re:I hate weddings. How to avoid my own?:[QUOTE]So I have always been an anti wedding girl to the point where I don't even attend them.nbsp;I recently got enaged after 7 years of dating my boyfriend. I am so anti traditional that I didn't even want a ring that looked like an engagement ring.nbsp;I don't want any hoopla, gifts, partys, bridesmaids or any crap surrounding a wedding. I think they are a waste of time and money.nbsp;The problem is my boyfriend would like to have celebrations and a small wedding.nbsp;To me even having 4 people at a wedding is to many.nbsp;How do I explain my point of view to family who want to send cards and buy gifts when I don't want them to, but don't want to seem rude.nbsp;I'm a non traditional girl and will never give in to the norm and won't budge on this one. I'd rather die than prance down the aisle in a stupid white dress.nbsp; Posted by theantiweddingbride[/QUOTE]

I completely agree with you! We got engaged 3 weeks ago and we are being bombarded with questions about our wedding. We are both from NY but live in CT and both of our moms want us to have engagement party, wedding, etc in NY and we are just so against people pleasing for our celebrations. I would be fine without an engagement party because I hate being the center of attention but parents are insisting so we decided we will do what's best for us and have our engagement party in our town convenient for us at our favorite restaurant! Our families are not thrilled with this idea but my dad is paying and he is completely fine with it. The thing is cutting down the list of people our parents want to invite and we think by having 2.5 hrs away will deter those from coming! Semi evil idea but I don't care. I want to be comfortable on our day.

Wedding wise I wanted to elope but again there has to be a wedding so we decided on getting married in California and limiting it to parents and siblings only and 4 of our friends in total. His side doesn't like the idea of flying to CA but at the end of the day it's our day. We will be renting a house and having a small ceremony in the yard and a nice dinner.

You guys will have to compromise somehow but I am sure he will be understanding of your wishes. See if your fianc will go for the immediate family only wedding! Or if he'd consider going to city hall or eloping then having a small celebration with family and friends afterwards!

Knottie_22382251 · March 2013

I had a similar dilemma in that I wanted a very small (immediate family and grandparents only) wedding and my husband wanted all the hoopla and invite everyone he's ever met in his life. I'm very shy and the idea of being the bride with all eyes on me was not at all appealing. Like everyone says, you have to reach a compromise somehow. Try to get him to narrow the list down to people he can't live without being there. Talk about each of your aboslute must haves and see if you can find a way to live with those things that are really important to him, but still feel like you aren't completely uncomfortable. Think of it as a celebration, not a wedding. Who doesn't love an excuse to party? It doesn't have to be all about you being the center of attention- you don't need to wear a white dress, have a lengthy ceremoney, have all the traditional first dances and bouquet tosses and formal pictures. Just get together with people you care about, have some food, and have a good time.

Knottie_22382482 · March 2013

I don't have any family to invite so eloping is ideal. I'm 29 and my parents and grandparents are both passed on. We will be paying for it all ourselves so its stressful!

ettie404 · March 2013

If i were you, i would just go to the courthouse to get married and then have a party at a bar with some friends and family.

Knottie_22387554 · March 2013

I have been married before. I had a 300 person ceremony/reception with that wedding because it was 'expected'. I hated every minute of the planning, puked in a park bathroom before going down the aisle and had a panic attack after the spotlight dances. The idea of being the center of attention was petrifying. That marriage has since ended. I am engaged again and my FI has never been married before. I want an intimate ceremony on the beach...he wants traditional 'hoopla.' Our compromise? I am inviting 10 people to the ceremony/reception and he is limited to 90. I want it less than 100 people. We are doing a first dance, but no father/daughter, cake cutting, bouquet throwing etc. The week after our wedding we are going to a beach house alone. We are bringing our wedding attire and I am having my hair/makeup done all over again for a private wedding photo shoot on the beach. We will still have memories and special pictures just as I always pictured and he is getting his ceremony/reception as he pictured it. He is so happy to be making guest lists and to 'show me off' to his friends/family. I cannot imagine taking that experience from him. Moral of the story?...compromise is key and is sooo worth it.

Knottie_22387831 · March 2013

You can celebrate your marriage without having a wedding. Have a small ceremony in a courthouse or similar, with 1-4 guests, then just have a party or outing with the rest of your friends.
People love celebrating weddings. It gives them hope and inspiration. They know it will be hard for you so they want to give you gift because they thin it will make your life easier.
Remember your fiance wishes are just important as yours. And I'm sure there's way you can combine both ideas without compromising your values.
You need to have a long conversation with your fiance.
Figure out the top 5 most important things to both of you and then compromise. There is an option which can make you both happy.
YOU DONT HAVE TO DO ANYTHING YOU HATE
Don't want a white dress? Buy some outfit you've been waiting to splurge on and wear that. Or jeans and a tank top, who cares?
Don't want an event hall, don't use one. If you're still having a reception do it in a museum or library, your living room, or outside. Any where you can gather your guests is an option. Go bowling, rock climbing.
Your friends want to celebrate you because they love you.

Make the event the center of the attention instead of you. Go see a performance, or a really cool place.
Read about other people's weddings where guests were distracted by something and get that something.
Have activities that focus on guests, like a caricature artist or photo booth.
They just want to celebrate your union with you, it doesn't matter what you're doing as long as they can celebrate.
Go to your favorite bar and be super casual. Or get a white dress just to destroy it.
The possibilities are endless.
You can do literally anything. Don't listen o anyone that says you have to have a cake or dress or 100 guests.
It is all up to you and your fiance.

antibride2013 · March 2013

I know COMLETELY how you feel. I feel weddings are a complete waste of money as well. This is my second wedding, FH's first. He wants a wedding, I was totally against it. TOTALLY. We compromised, and we decided on a small (no more than 50 people) wedding at our home. No BM's, No Shower, No gifts, No white dress. This was our compromise. I feel your pain though!

Knottie_22386076 · March 2013

I don't feel the same way about weddings (I can't wait to wear the white dress and be the center of attention with my man!) but I think that other girls are right that you have to compromise!!! Go to city hall to get married and then go to dinner or something with the people your fianc wants to invite. You shouldn't "not know them", don't you know the important people in his life???? And everyone could use a new blender!

rachillsk8 · March 2013

Just a hint on the dress front for anti-wedding brides: Go to your local bridal shop and ask to see bridesmaid dresses. Many of them can be ordered in white, ivory or champagne (or whatever color you want) and are a lot more simple and less expensive. I was SO anti wedding dress. Don't get me wrong, I want to look good. But all that money on a dress to wear once makes me cringe. And bridal salons and all that poof, taffeta, etc scared me. I wanted something simple, timeless and with no train. In the bridesmaid department, I found a gorgeous long, flowing chiffon gown that looks beautiful, came in ivory, and only cost me $185. Another girl in the salon at the time ordered the same dress in purple for her prom.

Knottie_22382482 · March 2013

I actually design costumes and dresses so will make whatever I end up wearing.

Knottie_22382482 · March 2013

Fiance is totally anti city hall and I would love it. He thinks it's tacky and told me it's more factory like than any wedding hall. lol Looks like we might settle on eloping and inviting a few people.

kking1982 · April 2013

People love to gove gifts for celebrations. An idea to satisfy their need to give and your desire not to get anything, is to set up a way for them to make a donation to a charity that supports a cause you find important.

rdoornbosch · April 2013

I just wanted to chime in and say you're not alone. I'm recently engaged (first time bride, but fiance will be second time groom) and the thought of having a big party (at Chicago prices, for a second wedding) disgusts me. Prior to my recent engagement, I was pushing ideas for a small, casual affair. But, now that I'm engaged... Fiance's family has more money than mine, he makes more money than me, and if they want a big party? And can/are willing to pay for most of it? Fine. (By "big" we've agreed upon around 75; that's actually small for his family). We're currently focused on finding an offbeat venue (meaning not a banquet hall or hotel), and I've picked out a $300 evening gown instead of a poufy white wedding dress. I've enlisted my mom (super creative) and his mom to help. I've realized that most of my prior stress was about money and planning, and realizing that I have much more help than I imagined makes me feel better. All I want is my nearest and dearest there with some amazing food, ya know? So my point is, you're not alone, but maybe for the sake of your love for fiance you can figure out a good compromise. Many of the posts for casual, offbeat parties are great (especially the "surprise!!" wedding). Good luck!

kazsky · January 2014

My situation is just the opposite. My F.I. has been married before and surprisingly wants a ceremony and reception. I on the other hand would prefer going to the JOP and having a nice intimate dinner. Luckily he understands and would be willing to do this. But the key is voicing your choice before the initial planning gets underway.

climbingsingle · January 2014

@ kazsky - please don't bump threads that are almost a year old. Start a new one.

I hate weddings. How to avoid my own?

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