Bride and bridesmaid do not get along... need advice

Re: Bride and bridesmaid do not get along... need advice

• MyNameIsNot member

  

  March 2012

  If you can deal with her enough to have her be a BM, you can deal with her being with the rest of the BMs.  She needs to be invited to the parties and the hotel room.  

  
  

  You can blame your FI for not respecting your wishes on this one.  

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• calliopeia2013 member

  

  March 2012

  One thing you could do is limit your getting-ready room to you, your mom, and your maid of honor- or your sisters, or some other logical line-drawing place that excludes most of the bridesmaids, including your FSIL, but still lets you have your absolute closest people with you.  Might not be ideal, but could soothe hurt feelings, so that she's not the only one being left out.
  
  I don't have the whole story here, but it's also possible that she'll be perfectly nice the morning of, and you're worrying about tension that isn't going to be there.
  
  It's a pretty obvious snub to not invite her to the B-party...I really don't know what to do with this.  I mean, you shouldn't have asked her at all, you know?  Asking her to be a BM and them excluding her from the B-party seems ruder/like more of a snub than it would have been if you'd just never asked her to be a BM at all.  This was really not the wisest compromise.

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• cjsj0711 member

  

  March 2012

  I get what you guys are saying but to make things clear I did not ask her to be a BMs. This is my FI and his family's request because of tradition. I felt like I was doing them a favor by including her without hurting anyones feeling but it back fired on me, I feel. I never wanted her as a BM I had a completely different role for her but because of our background her parents felt it was wrong for not including her as a BM since my siblings are in the bridal party as a maid of honor and groomsman. My whole thing is this is mine and my FI's day and not his sisters so why would I walk on eggshells for her? I guess I have a lot of thinking to do before I make up my mind on what to do with her. Her family has already disrespected me and I think what they can do to smooth things over is to just give me this.

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• kimiandgary

  

  March 2012

  I think this is something you should have really talked to everyone about before asking her to be in the wedding. If you dislike her THAT much to not want her around you or your friends, she shouldn't have been in the WP. Now that she is, I think its horribly rude to exclude her from BM events. They may have twisted your arm "making" you ask her, but you being rude back doesn't make it right.
  
  Why would she want to be in the WP if you don't get along? Did anyone ask her for her opinion or did FIL's just decide this for you?
  

  

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• MyNameIsNot member

  

  March 2012

  In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_customs-traditions_bride-and-bridesmaid-do-not-get-along-need-advice?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:36Discussion:7cea9bc9-b6d6-4e8d-8489-288608364ca9Post:10f815ef-cd6f-43e9-9e64-c5412ad39622">Re: Bride and bridesmaid do not get along... need advice</a>:
  [QUOTE]I get what you guys are saying but to make things clear I did not ask her to be a BMs. This is my FI and his family's request because of tradition. I felt like I was doing them a favor by including her without hurting anyones feeling but it back fired on me, I feel. I never wanted her as a BM I had a completely different role for her but because of our background her parents felt it was wrong for not including her as a BM since my siblings are in the bridal party as a maid of honor and groomsman. My whole thing is this is mine and my FI's day and not his sisters so why would I walk on eggshells for her? I guess I have a lot of thinking to do before I make up my mind on what to do with her. Her family has already disrespected me and I think what they can do to smooth things over is to just give me this.
  Posted by cjsj0711[/QUOTE]<div>
  </div><div>Like I said, this is your FI's fault for putting you in this situation.  He could have asked her to stand on his side, or he could have stood up to his parents for you.  He chose to do neither and put you in this position.  His family did disrespect you, and he let it happen.  They will probably continue to disrespect you for the rest of your marriage, because your FI has made it clear to them that it is ok.  </div><div>
  </div><div>Now you have no choice.  Putting her out of the room and b-party is incredibly petty and flat out mean.  You just do not behave that way to another person.  Besides, if you did, you'd be right back in the fight with his parents that he wouldn't fight the first time around, and your FI will probably just invite her anyway.  
  
  </div>

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• Sammysteven

  

  March 2012

  Unfortunately this isn't uncommon you could talk to your fiance again and I noticed that you said that your siblings were in the wedding one being a bridesmaid and the other a groomsman you may want to go the untraditional route and have your brother stand on your side and your fiance's sister stand on his.  Because unless your fiance and your brother are friends outside of your relationship he is also doing you a favor by having your brother as a groomsman.  This might not seem as bad because there is no hard feelings between them but if your brother and fiance aren't close then its still some what awkward on them both especially if he goes to your fiance's bachelor party. This way she is still involved but won't be involved in any of your bridal activities like getting ready or your bachelorette party (but do remember that even if she wasn't one of your bridesmaids by tradition she should still receive an invite to the bachelorette party). Besides wouldn't you rather your brother to be on your side then your fiance's side?  It may be untraditional but it would be the easiest solution to your problem.  She is still in the wedding party and is out of your hair.  But if this isn't an option for whatever reason think about how you would feel if your fiance made a big deal about your brother being a groomsman and how he didn't want him to go to the bachelor party or any other activity they might have like getting ready.  Would you want your brother to be put through that? Even though your fiance loves you he also love his sister and his family and this is really putting him in a tough position. Also this maybe your wedding but you are going to be spending the rest of your life with your fiance and with him comes his family. So remember that when you hurt their feelings they don't just go away when you say I do.  You are also saying I do to them as well. It's also his day too so don't ruin it for him either by putting him through this.  Because his family is also probably putting a lot of stress on him about this and as his fiance you are supposed to be there to support him like you expect out of him.  I can't really see how his family is disrespecting you with this.  To them its not your day its his day.  Possibly he may want his sister in the wedding but since you two don't get along he doesn't feel comfortable in telling you that and instead blamed his family.  They are important to him and you can not seperate family doing that will only cause strain on your relationship.

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• calliopeia2013 member

  

  March 2012

  In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_customs-traditions_bride-and-bridesmaid-do-not-get-along-need-advice?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:36Discussion:7cea9bc9-b6d6-4e8d-8489-288608364ca9Post:10f815ef-cd6f-43e9-9e64-c5412ad39622">Re: Bride and bridesmaid do not get along... need advice</a>:
  [QUOTE]I get what you guys are saying but to make things clear I did not ask her to be a BMs. This is my FI and his family's request because of tradition. I felt like I was doing them a favor by including her without hurting anyones feeling but it back fired on me, I feel. I never wanted her as a BM I had a completely different role for her but because of our background her parents felt it was wrong for not including her as a BM since my siblings are in the bridal party as a maid of honor and groomsman. My whole thing is this is mine and my FI's day and not his sisters so why would I walk on eggshells for her? I guess I have a lot of thinking to do before I make up my mind on what to do with her. Her family has already disrespected me and I think what they can do to smooth things over is to just give me this.
  Posted by cjsj0711[/QUOTE]
  
  I get that you never wanted her to be a BM, but, I mean, you did agree to it, right?  That's all we're getting at, that it would have been better, and probably involved less hurt feelings in the long run, if you'd never agreed at all.  But hindsight is 20/20, ya know?
  
  Going forward from here, you could consider, as one PP suggested, switching the sides of her and your brother (i.e. make your brother a bridesman and your FSIL a groomsmaid)- this is quite popular now, and a lot of people on these boards (including me) are doing so.
  
  The thing about asking your FILs to just give you this since they were so pushy before is that it's never good to respond to rudeness with rudeness, or to disrespect with disrespect (though it's initially satisfying).  These are people you'll have to deal with for the rest of your life, and in the long run, it's better to be the bigger person.
  
  And I echo some PPs concerns that if your FI didn't stand up for you now, that's a big red flag.  A man who takes his family's side over his wife's side is, frankly, never going to be a very good husband, and unless you're resigned to this always being the state of affairs, it's likely to cause more tensions in your marriage in the future.

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• cjsj0711 member

  

  March 2012

  Yeah my FI knows he F*ed up and is now trying to fix things but they just can't. This is the only situation where he has messed up on and he is showing me that he can stand up to his family for whats best for me and him.
  
  I am thinking of doing the whole my brother stands on my side and his sister can stand on his to avoid excatly what I wanted not to invite her and not to have her in my room. That's a great suggestion and I thank you for suggesting that!

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• AurorasEnvy

  

  March 2012

  In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_customs-traditions_bride-and-bridesmaid-do-not-get-along-need-advice?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:36Discussion:7cea9bc9-b6d6-4e8d-8489-288608364ca9Post:fba25082-8cf9-4820-abe8-406963548fe4">Re: Bride and bridesmaid do not get along... need advice</a>:
  [QUOTE]Yeah my FI knows he F*ed up and is now trying to fix things but they just can't. This is the only situation where he has messed up on and he is showing me that he can stand up to his family for whats best for me and him. <strong>I am thinking of doing the whole my brother stands on my side and his sister can stand on his to avoid excatly what I wanted not to invite her and not to have her in my room. That's a great suggestion and I thank you for suggesting that!</strong>
  Posted by cjsj0711[/QUOTE]<div>
  </div><div>I'd do this.  I'd be the bigger person here and invite her to your b-party...chances are she won't come anyways, and even if she does if you don't get along she probably won't talk to you anyways.
  
  </div>

  
  

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• Kissesz00

  

  July 2012

  You asked her to be your BM as per their request, she doesnt have to be incuded in ur bach party, or in your dressing room. You should be able to have something in your wedding for yourself, talk to your FI and ask him to draw the line with his family. 

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