Different Ideas from Future In-Laws

julibug86 · July 2012

Not sure if Etiquette is the right place to post this, but I tend to spend the most time on this board so here goes...

My future in-laws are very frugal people. Normally, I really admire and respect this since my parents have less-than-stellar money handling skills. We spend all last week with the future in-laws (they live about 5 hours away) and it was the first time we've seen them since the engagement. FI and I have already planned large chunks of the wedding (ceremony, reception, etc) and have already put a down payment on a venue and signed the contract. Future MIL asked about numbers and I was honest to her about the price (side note: FI and I are paying the entire thing ourselves). She was pretty shocked at the number and thinks we are being foolish since we are also saving up for a house downpayment.

FI and I have met with a financial planner and we know that we can pay for the whole wedding up front and should still have enough for a downpayment in Jan 2014. We are both lucky enough to have great jobs and FI has no student loan debt (I'm the anchor with that nonsense). I understand that a wedding is not the most important thing in the world, but at the same time, I was the little girl setting up multiple weddings a day for my Barbies! It is something I've always wanted and the FI agrees that he wants something traditional and memorable, but also a great party! We are budgeting $15,000 for 125 people in Massachusetts - this is no easy feat and I really believe that $15,000 is not a crazy amount to pay for a wedding!

Anyway, I don't know if I'm looking for advice or maybe just to hear from someone else to know I'm not alone in this. Anyone else with future in-laws who don't agree with their wedding visions? I know ultimately it doesn't matter since we are paying and can do whatever we want, but I guess some part of me wants to please them and have their approval. They'll definitely still come and partake, but I just hate that in the back of my mind I have this knowledge that they think we are wasting our money on one foolish day when we could be buying the house sooner or taking a nicer honeymoon. We are only 26 and have no children, so even though I understand it's a "great time to buy", I don't get the real rush for a house!

Sorry that was so long and turned into a vent.

aragx6 · July 2012

My ILs are frugal, but they also have a pretty good idea of what things cost, so even though they don't know the actual budget, I'm sure they have a pretty good idea of what the event is going to cost. There's really nothing you can do about it -- but definitely don't talk numbers with them at all going forward.

maribeth721 · July 2012

It definitely doesn't matter. They aren't paying for it and it isn't their wedding. Let them think what they want and you and your FI do what you want. Your budget seems really reasonable. I think I read on here (TK) once that the average cost of a wedding is $26k, which you are obviously under. When we were looking at venues and things my Dad was shocked at how much things cost now. But my parents were married in the 80s and I think thats the price tag he had in his head. Your ILs may be comparing your wedding to the one they had years ago and time have changed. I wouldn't discuss anything financial with them going forward; frankly, if they aren't financially contributing they really have no right to ask you anyways.

jessicabessica · July 2012

Sounds frustrating, but now you know not to discuss your budget or how much individual things cost with them anymore.

button6004 · July 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_different-ideas-from-future-in-laws?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:50feffdb-dd27-49c4-8751-6b5ab451fab4Post:80dc8485-00da-482d-bf90-c668dd29079c">Different Ideas from Future In-Laws</a>:
[QUOTE]We are budgeting $15,000 for 125 people in Massachusetts - this is <strong>no easy feat</strong> and I really believe that $15,000 is not a crazy amount to pay for a wedding!
Posted by julibug86[/QUOTE]

We have found this to be true- some of the venues we looked at in MA were outrageously priced.

You have thought this all through and the fact that you've met with a financial planner to discuss things says a lot about you and your FI. You both seem like you are on the right path and are being incredibly responsible with your money.

AshJohnson30 · July 2012

We are going through this as well. FMIL was married in a much smaller city in the 80's at her home church so not much money was spent. She envisioned the same for us but that's completely opposite of what we wanted. Always remember it's all about YOU and FI!

I definitely agree with PP, don't discuss any of the financial aspects of the wedding with them. We've stopped talking money and its definitely helped some. Good luck and don't stress about it!

tess6373 · July 2012

my in-laws cant understand why we want to have a "traditional" wedding (church with large reception following). She keeps saying that we should jsut have a potluck at a community pool. So it could be worse

achiduck · July 2012

I'm impressed that you can plan a wedding for 125 people for $15K. We're inviting approximately the same amount of people and we're WAAYY over what you've budgeted.

Since you are paying for the wedidng yourselves you don't owe them an explaination, but given their financial style it might put her mind at ease if you say that you met with a financial planner and you're being responsible, blah blah blah.

My Dad was pretty "OMG you're spending how much?" at first but after a few months passed and he saw that we're still living the same lifestyle we always have, paying our bills and haven't asked him for money he calmed down. FMIL doesn't really know what we're spending and has never asked.

julibug86 · July 2012

Thanks to all - you're making me feel less crazy! I think I watched too many episodes of Bridezillas and now have a fear that I'm turning into one. You're all right in that I shouldn't have divulged the number in the first place, but I think it's because I have been discussing things with my own mother and had no problem sharing numbers with her.

And tess, the future MIL did suggest a backyard potluck at my parents house so I understand! They also suggested an iPod instead of a dj (we don't even own iPods so...), baking our own cake (not allowed at the venue - we have to use a licensed bakery due to liabilities), and not having any alcohol (I'm Irish-Catholic -my family would protest!).

HockeyFan4 · July 2012

We were around that, maybe a bit less, for around 130 people. I did a lot of shopping around and made a lot of things myself. My parents were married in 1970, and H's parent's married in the mid 70s. There was a bit of sticker shock for them with some things. Prices have dramatically changed over the years for some services. (It cost $5 a person for my parents meal!)

With my MIL, when she asked about costs for things, I was vague, never really gave her $ amounts.

If you are paying, don't tell them how much things are, let them know they are "in your budget" or "what we excpected it to cost" and then change the subject.

ChristineNB · July 2012

I don't discuss anything wedding finance related with my family. His family knows approximately how much we are spending, and have been supportive (we are having a 75 person wedding for $11k in Pittsburgh). I know my parents would be shocked if I told them, as they would never dream of spending so much on a wedding (they had a small church wedding with cake and punch reception in the early 80's). We are paying for everything ourselves and haven't had to borrow money. I just tell my folks we are sticking to our originaly planned budget.

BCV513 · July 2012

Stop talking to them about it. I don't discuss anything wedding related with my future in-laws. My FFIL told me that we're stupid for even having a wedding, that he's "never been to a nice wedding that had a DJ" and after seeing a picture of my dress, that he's "glad it's not too pretty so he won't be tempted to cry at the wedding." Now if they ask how the plans are going, I just smile and say "fine thanks."

AliMarieABC · July 2012

I guess I am exactly the oppisite! My parents gave my 15K for the wedding and I am using 6K on the ceremony / reception, 1K on housing out of town family for the week, 3K on honeymoon and then pocketing the rest. My parents are super indulgent money wise and are really well off, and don't understand that to me, 15K is A LOT of freakin' money.

I am doing a lot of DIY, having a cake table with loads of homemade cakes from my Gramma, renting a tent in my parent's back yard, keeping the guest list under 75, growing flowers and making the center pieces, chair decor, invites, favors and a dance floor myself. I'm such a housewife at heart and love DYI, so this wedding is going to be just so much fun to orchestrate!

Anyways, my parents think I am insane and keep pushing me towards really expensive options. "Why would you make a dance floor when you could just rent from X??" "X is our prefered florist, we have worked with her for years, I don't know why you don't just call her!"

Unless you see eye to eye on what is a little and what is a lot budget wise, it's often best to keep money matters to yourself! Ugh.

divinemsbee · July 2012

We don't talk money with my FILs because they're huge reverse snobs (if that's a thing). They judge anyone who has any degree of what they consider to be wealth. This includes thinking I'm a little rich girl because I went to Catholic school on a scholarship and because my parent's homes have fully working plumbing. They are both frugal by choice and don't have very much money, plus they are very anti-weddings. We never expected anything from them and are just hoping they show up. They're all convinced we're spending some obscene amount, but we'll be at about $6000 for about 200 people, which I think is pretty good. We're paying for about 90% of it ourselves.

I'll admit that it makes me bristle a little whenever his mother or grandmother says how its going to be so pretty "but it must be a budget buster," No, it isn't. It's what we expected to pay. Me getting a dress and hair and make-up is not causing us to eat nothing but ramen for months or go into debt.

ladybug480 · July 2012

I learned the same lesson from my FMIL when I showed her my dress pics. She wasn't loving the pictures (said maybe she'd like it better after alterations) so I tried to win her over by saying I paid a bargain basement $500 for it. Nope, wrong path. She asked me if that was supposed to be considered cheap nowadays? She also thought that it'd be better if we all just made our own bouquets, so there's that.

bonge · July 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_different-ideas-from-future-in-laws?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:50feffdb-dd27-49c4-8751-6b5ab451fab4Post:653b59e2-2733-4dc7-af9b-416c8c50550a">Re: Different Ideas from Future In-Laws</a>:
[QUOTE]I guess I am exactly the oppisite! My parents gave my 15K for the wedding and I am using 6K on the ceremony / reception, 1K on housing out of town family for the week, 3K on honeymoon and then <strong>pocketing the rest</strong>. My parents are super indulgent money wise and are really well off, and don't understand that to me, 15K is A LOT of freakin' money. I am doing a lot of DIY, having a cake table with loads of homemade cakes from my Gramma, renting a tent in my parent's back yard, keeping the guest list under 75, growing flowers and making the center pieces, chair decor, invites, favors and a dance floor myself. I'm such a housewife at heart and love DYI, so this wedding is going to be just so much fun to orchestrate! Anyways, my parents think I am insane and keep pushing me towards really expensive options. "Why would you make a dance floor when you could just rent from X??" "X is our prefered florist, we have worked with her for years, I don't know why you don't just call her!" Unless you see eye to eye on what is a little and what is a lot budget wise, it's often best to keep money matters to yourself! Ugh.
Posted by AliMarieABC[/QUOTE]

<div>Really? I must be really out of the loop because i could never do that, to me that would be like stealing from my parents. You shouldn't take all their money if you don't want to use it. They want nicer options & gave you the money for nicer options, kind of a slap in the face i'd say.</div>

lauraanne9 · July 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_different-ideas-from-future-in-laws?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:50feffdb-dd27-49c4-8751-6b5ab451fab4Post:29878381-2927-4372-9481-48add45d04ec">Re: Different Ideas from Future In-Laws</a>:
[QUOTE]my in-laws cant understand why we want to have a "traditional" wedding (church with large reception following). She keeps saying that we should jsut have a potluck at a community pool. So it could be worse :)
Posted by tess6373[/QUOTE]

<div>My future SIL suggested we spend our wedding night in a tent on her front lawn to save money and keep things reasonable. It REALLY could be worse.</div><div>
</div><div>We politely declined.</div>

julibug86 · July 2012

lauraanne, that made me laugh! I wouldn't be surprised to hear that suggestion. Honestly, they're wonderful people and I feel lucky to be marrying into their family. I know I need to just calm down and carry on with our wedding plans.

Coghoot12 · July 2012

I'm chiming in to also say you are not alone.

My IL's ideas of weddings were vastly different from what I am used to.

The advice given by PP's is great. Just try and avoid discussions of money, details, ect.

The only thing I'll add is to make sure you and FI are on the ssame page so he can go to bat for you if needed. H and I were both in agreement for a lot of things that his parents found unnecessary so he was able to quash a lot of the nay-saying.

ChristineNB · July 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_different-ideas-from-future-in-laws?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:50feffdb-dd27-49c4-8751-6b5ab451fab4Post:87a880a4-c575-47b5-8e54-ceb069955f8d">Re: Different Ideas from Future In-Laws</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Different Ideas from Future In-Laws : My future SIL suggested we spend our wedding night in a tent on her front lawn to save money and keep things reasonable. It REALLY could be worse. We politely declined.
Posted by lauraanne9[/QUOTE]
Oh dear!! I wonder if your FSIL would want to spend her wedding night sleeping on someone's lawn...

kiki1978 · July 2012

We paid for our own wedding and the wonderful thing about that is that no one needs to know how much we spent on what. You two are the ones who get to decide how much to spend and on what. We spent about $15,000 on our wedding for 75 people, so I think your budget is very reasonable!

doublenn · July 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_different-ideas-from-future-in-laws?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:50feffdb-dd27-49c4-8751-6b5ab451fab4Post:2ae21827-9a5e-4492-9020-74c370ede327">Re: Different Ideas from Future In-Laws</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Different Ideas from Future In-Laws : Really? I must be really out of the loop because i could never do that, to me that would be like stealing from my parents. You shouldn't take all their money if you don't want to use it. They want nicer options & gave you the money for nicer options, kind of a slap in the face i'd say.
Posted by bonge[/QUOTE]

<div>You don't know how she worked things out with her parents. My parents offered X amount of money, and told me that if we stayed under budget, we could keep the difference, and put minimum requirements (immediate family has to be invited, etc). Her parents might have offered her the same, so no, it's not like stealing from her parents.</div>

fbmandy55 · July 2012

In Response to Re:Different Ideas from Future InLaws:[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Different Ideas from Future InLaws:In Response to Re: Different Ideas from Future InLaws : Really? I must be really out of the loop because i could never do that, to me that would be like stealing from my parents. You shouldn't take all their money if you don't want to use it. They want nicer options amp; gave you the money for nicer options, kind of a slap in the face i'd say.Posted by bongeYou don't know how she worked things out with her parents. My parents offered X amount of money, and told me that if we stayed under budget, we could keep the difference, and put minimum requirements immediate family has to be invited, etc. Her parents might have offered her the same, so no, it's not like stealing from her parents. Posted by doublenn[/QUOTE]

fbmandy55 · July 2012

In Response to Re:Different Ideas from Future InLaws:[QUOTE]In Response to Re:Different Ideas from Future InLaws:In Response to Re: Different Ideas from Future InLaws:In Response to Re: Different Ideas from Future InLaws : Really? I must be really out of the loop because i could never do that, to me that would be like stealing from my parents. You shouldn't take all their money if you don't want to use it. They want nicer options amp; gave you the money for nicer options, kind of a slap in the face i'd say.Posted by bongeYou don't know how she worked things out with her parents. My parents offered X amount of money, and told me that if we stayed under budget, we could keep the difference, and put minimum requirements immediate family has to be invited, etc. Her parents might have offered her the same, so no, it's not like stealing from her parents. Posted by doublenn Posted by fbmandy55[/QUOTE] exactly. I've heard of many parents giving a specific amount and letting the couple keep what they don't use... Jesus, people on this site are so hateful and rude. I regret even stepping into the forums..

TheBaney · July 2012

My FIL's are the same way. Our budget is about $10,000 for the same number of people in Metro Detroit. We have to save this amount up, so we aren't getting married until Nov. 2013. When we told his parents, they sat us down and tried to explain to us that we shouldn't waste time trying to save up money for just one day.

They had two different arguments. First off, they said that it wasn't a good idea waiting as long as we are planning because people (FI's grandmother and my mother) may die. Secondly, they said that we should just get married now and not pay so much. But, they still want the whole guest list, 125 people.

So I think they're just operating from an assumption that the costs for a wedding have only increased within the normal bounds of inflation, instead of skyrocketing the way they did in the 90's.

Also, they think that I'm going overboard in wanting a professional photographer/videographer/cake baker when we know so many people who could do it for us for free. Which, I kind of think is funny, considering a friend of the family is the one who took photos for FIL's wedding, and they only have a handful of prints because he screwed up.

TurtlesAllTheWayDown · July 2012

My in-laws are always asking things like how much we pay in rent, or how much a certain townhouse we are looking at would cost per month. Then they look shocked and say, "that's more than our mortgage!" Yeah. For the house you bought in 1981. For $90k. Seriously, this is 30 years later.

Old people.

My MIL isn't even very frugal.

Anyway, just try to be vague from now on. My husband and I spent a good chunk of our own money on a traditional wedding, but I don't regret it.

AliMarieABC · July 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_different-ideas-from-future-in-laws?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:50feffdb-dd27-49c4-8751-6b5ab451fab4Post:2ae21827-9a5e-4492-9020-74c370ede327">Re: Different Ideas from Future In-Laws</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Different Ideas from Future In-Laws : Really? I must be really out of the loop because i could never do that, to me that would be like stealing from my parents. You shouldn't take all their money if you don't want to use it. They want nicer options & gave you the money for nicer options, kind of a slap in the face i'd say.
Posted by bonge[/QUOTE]

<div>My parents put 15K into my bank account and told me to use it however I want. They said I could elope and use it for a down payment for a house, put it towards my student loans, use it towards a wedding. . . basically they gave me the money to start my married life. My mom is helping me plan, and pushes me towards expensive things, not because she knows I have the money, but because it's how her lifestyle normally functions, and she doesn't really have a concept of 'budget'. My mom is one of my best friends, we have a really close relationship, and I don't think for one moment she ever considered it as 'stealing'. </div>

Different Ideas from Future In-Laws

Re: Different Ideas from Future In-Laws

Choose Another Board

Search Boards