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May 2013 Weddings
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Am I being childish by being irritated with my BM?

ChefBride524ChefBride524
10 Comments
in May 2013 Weddings
Be honest, I could be overreacting. I've been known to do so. And I'm kinda cranky and hormonal LMAO

My bm "H" was all gung-ho about shower planning and choosing the dress. Although we don't need to order dresses just yet, my moh "N" DOES need a committment for the shower since they need to sign the contract and give a deposit to book a date this fall. The contract was faxed to N for final approval the other day and suddenly H couldn't be found or reached.

Finally last night she starts responding to texts again and she says she won't know how much she can commit to the shower until the time came. N explained that obviously the venue would need money before the actual day and that even if she couldn't afford exactly half, could she contribute anything? H continued to hedge and say she had "no clue."

The final tab for the shower was estimated at $700. Very generously, my aunt stepped in and offered to gift half of H's half. She offered $200. So N asked H if she could commit to $200, and N would do the other half.

Again, H has "no idea" how much money she'll have in a couple weeks.

I (privately) offer to buy her dress as a gift thinking that might take some heat off and then whatever money she can contribute can go to the shower so that I can take the hit instead of N.

Again, no committment.

This morning I get a text from H ... where she tells me how she just booked a vacation to a car show in VA and is going today to get her nose pierced and wants to know if I want to join her for that. Then for lunch. Then for clothes shopping.

The dress is $145.
Half the shower is $400.
My aunt offered half her half.
I offered to cover her dress.
I also offered to cover her daughter's FG dress.

So all in all, being a bm would cost her $200.
Being a bm where she paid for her own dress would cost her $345.

Honestly, I think I would rather have just had her as a guest if this is the case. As much as I understand money being tight - we've all been there - it feels like having her be a bm is costing *ME* over $550, and that's not including her meal, her husband's meal, and her daughter's meal (at $50 a head).

If she didn't have (or want to spend) the money on the duties that come with being a bm, then so be it. That's fine with me. Just say no and just be a guest. Why would someone beg to be a bm when they can't/won't fullfill the duties that come along with it?
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Re: Am I being childish by being irritated with my BM?

  • melb2013melb2013 member
    2500 Comments 25 Love Its Second Anniversary Name Dropper
    Throwing you a shower isn't a necessary commitment of being a bridesmaid.  Did she agree to all of this?  Right now, it sounds like she's backing out.  She never said she had a problem with buying the dress, right?  She has plenty of time to pay for that.  Maybe she just can't afford or doesn't want to pay for the shower?

    I think your MOH needs to ask her if she really wants to pay for the shower.  This is something your MOH and bridesmaids need to handle themselves.  

    It really sucks that she's being so difficult.  Honestly, it just sounds like she either has money problems or is just being ungenerous.  

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  • SwazzleSwazzle member
    10000 Comments Seventh Anniversary 500 Love Its First Answer
    If you were going to be upset about paying for her dress & her daughter's FG dress then you probably shouldn't have offered in the first place.  As PP said, the shower isn't a necessary responsibilty of your BMs, although of course it's nice. I personally would stay out of the shower situation. If she can't afford it then she can't afford it and there's not really anything you can do. 



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  • SSaltzman87SSaltzman87 member
    2500 Comments Third Anniversary
    Mel is right in that paying for a shower isn't a requirement for a BM, but did she agree to pay in general or only for a certain amount?

    In general, it sounds like she's backing out, but I'd tread lightly because you never know what's going on in her personal life, KWIM? You really can't 'boot' someone out just because they can't pay, that's just not cool. 

    I guess I'd just talk to her, no WR stuff in the conversation and let her know you're still there as a friend and see what's going on.
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  • hisbabygirl76hisbabygirl76 member
    500 Comments First Anniversary
    While I agree with what everyone is saying (ie the paying for the shower is not part of the commitment) what I am getting and I could totally be wrong is that she agreed to pay for this shower and now is saying she cant afford her half or her dress because she doesnt have the money and what is getting on your nerves is that she follows it up by calling and saying "hey going shopping and booked a vacation and getting my nose pierced" She has every right to do what she pleases with her money but to say she cant pay for things she initially said she would because she didnt have it then brag about all her spending isnt very nice at all.

    Again I might be reading this wrong.
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  • SRRL18SRRL18 member
    Ninth Anniversary 500 Comments
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-club-boards_may-2013-weddings_am-i-being-childish-by-being-irritated-with-my-bm?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding Club BoardsForum:ea657a87-d1dc-4588-999f-31c9deeef720Discussion:db5c3b6f-07a1-40fc-9c18-451f23ed98fdPost:0a454313-6f44-4de2-91c0-e9bc5ceef426">Re: Am I being childish by being irritated with my BM?</a>:
    [QUOTE]While I agree with what everyone is saying (ie the paying for the shower is not part of the commitment) what I am getting and I could totally be wrong is that she agreed to pay for this shower and now is saying she cant afford her half or her dress because she doesnt have the money and what is getting on your nerves is that she follows it up by calling and saying "hey going shopping and booked a vacation and getting my nose pierced" She has every right to do what she pleases with her money but to say she cant pay for things she initially said she would because she didnt have it then brag about all her spending isnt very nice at all. Again I might be reading this wrong.
    Posted by hisbabygirl76[/QUOTE]
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  • RebCapponRebCappon
    500 Comments
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-club-boards_may-2013-weddings_am-i-being-childish-by-being-irritated-with-my-bm?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding Club BoardsForum:ea657a87-d1dc-4588-999f-31c9deeef720Discussion:db5c3b6f-07a1-40fc-9c18-451f23ed98fdPost:7fc87ada-3d9a-4da1-930a-f51b4e7b2b95">Re: Am I being childish by being irritated with my BM?</a>:
    [QUOTE]Mel is right in that paying for a shower isn't a requirement for a BM, but did she agree to pay in general or only for a certain amount? In general, it sounds like she's backing out, but I'd tread lightly because you never know what's going on in her personal life, KWIM? You really can't 'boot' someone out just because they can't pay, that's just not cool.  <strong>I guess I'd just talk to her, no WR stuff in the conversation and let her know you're still there as a friend and see what's going on.</strong>
    Posted by SSaltzman87[/QUOTE]

    This and I also agree with RDR about staying out of the shower stuff and leave that to your BM's.
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  • jodyellenjodyellen
    10 Comments
    I remember the conversation about the BM's dress and how you were going to privately buy it for her because you were concerned about her and valued her participation in the wedding. Personally, from this post and the dress post, it doesn't seem like she is affording you the same respect and care.  You may want to say to her that you know that being a BM is expensive and time consuming so if she would just like to come as a guest and enjoy the day, you won't be offended.  She may thank you for it!  It isn't going to get better as the stresses of the day get ramped up!  You don't want to put too much strain on the friendship because of the wedding!
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  • jodyellenjodyellen
    10 Comments
    I remember the conversation about the BM's dress and how you were going to privately buy it for her because you were concerned about her and valued her participation in the wedding. Personally, from this post and the dress post, it doesn't seem like she is affording you the same respect and care.  You may want to say to her that you know that being a BM is expensive and time consuming so if she would just like to come as a guest and enjoy the day, you won't be offended.  She may thank you for it!  It isn't going to get better as the stresses of the day get ramped up!  You don't want to put too much strain on the friendship because of the wedding!
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