Shower/ bridesmaid rant

TallyKyle · November 2011

Hey all,
Have any of you had a shower and none of your bridesmaids showed up? My dad's side is throwing me one next saturday and oonly one of my bridesmaids will be there. Plus, my FI's mom and step-mom both won't be there. I'll be honest, I'm kind of hurt.
On a related note, I have two incredibly shy maids. One is a jr, so I understand her, but my other one refuses to come to my showers b/c she doesn't know anyone. She has four kids (one's a newborn) so I understand it's hard to get out of the house, but I still can't help but feel a little hurt.
I'm not looking for anyone to be snarky back, just looking for similar stories,

Simply Fated · November 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_shower-bridesmaid-rant?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:bd9c9c0a-c39e-4420-b064-f4fbceaa8466Post:044cad9d-7da1-4a51-9bad-74c8886c3503">Shower/ bridesmaid rant</a>:
[QUOTE]Hey all, Have any of you had a shower and none of your bridesmaids showed up? My dad's side is throwing me one next saturday and oonly one of my bridesmaids will be there. Plus, my FI's mom and step-mom both won't be there. I'll be honest, I'm kind of hurt. On a related note, I have two incredibly shy maids. One is a jr, so I understand her, but <strong>my other one refuses to come to my showers b/c she doesn't know anyone</strong>. She has four kids (one's a newborn) so I understand it's hard to get out of the house, but I still can't help but feel a little hurt. I'm not looking for anyone to be snarky back, just looking for similar stories,
Posted by TallyKyle[/QUOTE]
That's a silly excuse. I mean, I'm super shy with very bad anxiety, but I wouldn't miss a dear friend'sshower because of it. I mean, she'll be spending time with these people at the wedding, a shower is a good place to at least make it so that their faces are familiar.
The sitter thing is way more understandable, though.

I wouldn't sweat it. I mean, yeah, it sucks, but it's not like they're mandatory or anything. Just enjoy your shower with those who do show up! :)

joyfulhappy1 · November 2011

no this is strange, there might be some other underlying issues that you are not aware of, maybe you should talk to each one of these people separately and share how much it really means for them to be there, support you and celebrate with you.

RaptorSLH · November 2011

A shower is a gift-giving party. I would be uncomfortable guilting anyone - especially a mother of four with a newborn - about not coming. If you're feeling unsupported, you might try something more private with these two - a movie, or lunch, something to bond over.

Maggie0829 · November 2011

Invite does not equal required attendance. It stinks that they won't be there but like PP said, try to focus on the people who are there.

artbyallie · November 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_shower-bridesmaid-rant?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:bd9c9c0a-c39e-4420-b064-f4fbceaa8466Post:044cad9d-7da1-4a51-9bad-74c8886c3503">Shower/ bridesmaid rant</a>:
[QUOTE]Hey all, Have any of you had a shower and none of your bridesmaids showed up? My dad's side is throwing me one next saturday and oonly one of my bridesmaids will be there. Plus, my FI's mom and step-mom both won't be there. I'll be honest, I'm kind of hurt. On a related note, I have two incredibly shy maids. One is a jr, so I understand her, but my other one refuses to come to my showers b/c she doesn't know anyone. <strong>She has four kids (one's a newborn)</strong> so I understand it's hard to get out of the house, but I still can't help but feel a little hurt. I'm not looking for anyone to be snarky back, just looking for similar stories,
Posted by TallyKyle[/QUOTE]

<div>A perfectly good reason.</div><div>
</div><div>Incidentally, only my MOH made it to my first shower, and none of them came to my second. They all lived at least an hour away (even MOH, technically, since she's in college) from either location and I didn't expect any of them to make it. It was not a big deal. The important thing was being at the wedding, plus they all were at the b-party/lingerie shower two days before it and the rehearsal as well.</div>

TallyKyle · November 2011

I honestly don't know who else to turn to. I don't have any friends that I can talk to about this.
I'm really hurt that my girls aren't even willing to help. Isn't it the "norm" for MOH to write down names and gifts, another maid hands me and FI gifts, and another makes the bow bouquet for the rehearsal? None of them did anything. Only my moh wrote down the gifts. My aunt had to step in and help. I need help with this and I feel like NONE of them want to help.
How do I tell them this? I don't want to be a bitch, but I feel like my maids don't care.
How do I tell them how I feel?

Maggie0829 · November 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_shower-bridesmaid-rant?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:bd9c9c0a-c39e-4420-b064-f4fbceaa8466Post:c7a47cc2-7c94-43e4-b432-353624bc49b3">Re: Shower/ bridesmaid rant</a>:
[QUOTE]I honestly don't know who else to turn to. I don't have any friends that I can talk to about this. I'm really hurt that my girls aren't even willing to help. Isn't it the "norm" for MOH to write down names and gifts, another maid hands me and FI gifts, and another makes the bow bouquet for the rehearsal? None of them did anything. Only my moh wrote down the gifts. My aunt had to step in and help. I need help with this and I feel like NONE of them want to help. How do I tell them this? I don't want to be a bitch, but I feel like my maids don't care. How do I tell them how I feel?
Posted by TallyKyle[/QUOTE]

The first thing you need to know is that your bridal party is not required to help you with anything. You didn't ask them to be in your wedding because they are great at throwing parties, or can hand you gifts at your shower, or can write down the names of the gift giver...you asked them because they are your nearest and dearest. You need to know that just because you are getting married doesn't mean that their lives stop for the year or so leading up to your wedding to be your indentured servant. They are not required to attend your showers or even throw you a shower or bach party. The only thing that they are required to do is to buy the dress and show up the day of your wedding put together, sober and smile for pictures.

I know this may all may be coming across harsh but it is the truth. If you need help with your wedding talk to your fiance since it is his wedding too.

As far as the bridal shower jobs you mentioned...anyone in attendance can do those and having a bow bouquet for your rehearsal isn't required so don't stress over something so silly.

I understand that you want your friends there but sometimes life just doesn't work the way we want it to.

kamarks08 · November 2011

I get where you're coming from, and yet see both sides. While they're not required to do anything that may be considered "the norm," it can be hurtful when they just don't do it. Make sure they know they were/wil be greatly missed, but not in a manner of "I was so hurt you couldn't come, I missed you.." moreso of, "It's a bummer you aren't able to come, I'm really going to miss you being there, though." Then later on communicate with your BM/MOH, there are probably justified reasons as to what's up. "The problem is never the real problem." It could be that they wish they were more "helpful," but with recent events have been unable to. And I'm sure they wouldn't have said yes to being in your wedding if they didn't care. So try to keep your head up and communicate with them about doing certain things. Ask if they'd be interested in doing something. If they say no, then it's a no. The most important thing is that they're going to be there at the end of the day to support you when you say "I Do" and that's what truly matters.

Good luck and I hope you start to feel better about the situation.

RaptorSLH · November 2011

[QUOTE] I'm really hurt that my girls aren't even willing to help. <strong>Isn't it the "norm"</strong> for MOH to write down names and gifts, another maid hands me and FI gifts, and another makes the bow bouquet for the rehearsal? None of them did anything.
Posted by TallyKyle[/QUOTE]

<div>Not really, no. Every wedding party dynamic is different. The wedding industry would have you believe these things are all traditions set in stone...because the more they can convince you is required, the more money you and they will shell out. The truth is that even the shower and bachelorette are optional gifts to you, and do not need to be thrown by the wedding party - or even thrown at all.</div><div>
</div><div>It sounds like you've gotten some bad advice, and absorbed a skewed idea of what a wedding party is for. Rather than looking for a way to confront your friends, you need to confront your expectations. Think back as to why these people were important to you, and why you chose them. Hopefully, it wasn't because of their willingness to assume a laundry list of duties, or march in a carefully choreographed routine through months of wedding preparations. </div>

graysquirrel · November 2011

I understand your feelings, but BMs are really not required to come to any parties. I had a family party that only one BM came to. My other maids both declined and although I would have loved for them to have been there, it wasn't the end of the world and we still had a great time. I'd rather that my friends be comfortable than awkward and nervous at a party where they don't know anybody and will never see these people again. Heck, most of our WP didn't even show up to our rehearsal or dinner. It isn't a huge deal in the end.

If this is a family party, you will know everyone there and should be able to have a great time without your other friends there. And like pps said, someone else can write down names. It isn't a requirement and I'm sure that a relative would be honored to do it for you.

TallyKyle · November 2011

kamarks08- thanks so much. You (and my mom) really put it into perspective for me. I appreciate that your weren't rude or preachy, and I appreciate that (not that the others were). What you said really resonated with me :-)

TallyKyle · November 2011

In Response to Re: Shower/ bridesmaid rant:
P.S. Just what is a "bow bouquet"?
Posted by RetreadBride[/QUOTE]
It's a bouquet for the rehearsal made out of the bows and ribbons taken from the gifts at shower(s).

vicki0508 · November 2011

I didn't have ANY showers. So I really can't find it in myself to feel sympathy for you.

saric83 · November 2011

If it makes you feel any better, I've never been to a shower where it was assumed that the MOH or BM's did anything in particular UNLESS they were the ones hosting (which usually wasn't the case, as an aunt or family friend would host.)

Most of the times I've been a BM, there have been multiple showers, and there has never been an expectation for all of us to be there. We've always tried to make sure at least one of us was there, and that's about it.

Another thing to consider is that maybe they're strapped for cash, and that puts them in awkward spot where it would be obvious if they didn't bring a gift. I wouldn't say anything to them at all!

Kate61487 · November 2011

I had two showers, and 5 BM (ok tech 2 MOHs, 2 BMs and a groomswoman).

1st shower, thrown by my aunts 2 MOHs and 1 BM attended (1 MOH for sure was only there b/c the b-party was that night, otherwise I'm sure she wouldn't have flown in). They did help with all those little tasks you mentioned, but because they volunteered. 2nd shower, thrown by MIL only the groomswoman attended. MIL, mom, and GW did those little tasks. Oh, also - if you have any child guests they will be MORE than happy to help you get gifts, unwrap, gather paper, etc.

Here's the thing - they all knew other people at the shower they chose to go to. GW came to MIL's shower b/c she knows MIL and several of H's other family members quite well. My other three had mutual friends present at my aunts' shower. The 5th one couldn't make it to either, and life went on. I wouldn't necessarily skip a shower just because I didn't know anyone else, but if it was already really inconvenient for me to go I wouldn't make as much effort to rearrange my schedule. Try not to worry about it.

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