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HeartOverMind
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Unbiased opinion if you can, please! (Kinda long)
So here's the issue. BF just got this great job at Caterpillar and I was totally on board and I still am. He gets paid so much more and he is actually happy, which makes me happy. His family was completely against the job because it's making him postpone his education (which he has NO interest in at all). Me and my family are so proud of him for getting this job.
He's been there for less than two weeks and he is trying to get benefits, which he might get in the next couple of months. He's working every opportunity he can and that's cutting into our time together. He has the opportunity to work 7 days a week (Sat and Sun are optional) and he wants to do that! I'm not OK with that, because that's a whole week I wouldn't be able to see him (assuming I would even see him the next weekend).
We live an hour away from each other (I think that's considered long-distance relationship?) so we don't see each other more than a few times a week anyway. But last night when we were talking he told me that he wasn't going to come up on Sunday because we WANTS to work. We already made plans for Saturday, we're going out for dinner, but Sunday he was going to come too. Now he's not. It blew up into a fight and I feel terrible.
On one hand, I know better because he's trying to make more money quickly so he can pay the money he owes his parents. He told me that I of all people should know that there's going to be so much time in the future. (When he said that, I felt like an idiot)
But on the other hand, I'm going to transfer to Chicago (for school) in Jan. which is going to make seeing each other even harder than it is now. So, I figured we should spend time with each other.
I don't know. I guess what I'm asking is, Was I wrong to be all upset about his job when I was the one to push him to try for it? Any advice or feedback is appreciated!
He's been there for less than two weeks and he is trying to get benefits, which he might get in the next couple of months. He's working every opportunity he can and that's cutting into our time together. He has the opportunity to work 7 days a week (Sat and Sun are optional) and he wants to do that! I'm not OK with that, because that's a whole week I wouldn't be able to see him (assuming I would even see him the next weekend).
We live an hour away from each other (I think that's considered long-distance relationship?) so we don't see each other more than a few times a week anyway. But last night when we were talking he told me that he wasn't going to come up on Sunday because we WANTS to work. We already made plans for Saturday, we're going out for dinner, but Sunday he was going to come too. Now he's not. It blew up into a fight and I feel terrible.
On one hand, I know better because he's trying to make more money quickly so he can pay the money he owes his parents. He told me that I of all people should know that there's going to be so much time in the future. (When he said that, I felt like an idiot)
But on the other hand, I'm going to transfer to Chicago (for school) in Jan. which is going to make seeing each other even harder than it is now. So, I figured we should spend time with each other.
I don't know. I guess what I'm asking is, Was I wrong to be all upset about his job when I was the one to push him to try for it? Any advice or feedback is appreciated!
"Why does a girl have to be so silly to catch a husband?"
~~~Scarlett O'Hara
This discussion has been closed.
Re: Unbiased opinion if you can, please! (Kinda long)
As far as working 7 days per week, that is something you both have to figure out. You get him 1 day this week, it sounds like, right? It's time to compromise and accept that you're not going to get a lot of time together with this new job. I live with my boyfriend and we only get 2-3 hours per week of "us" time - there are days I don't see him because he's left the house before I wake up and is asleep by the time I get home. We communicate about what each of us need, and make sure to have some time especially reserved to nurture the relationship. Repeat after me: it's not quantity, it's quality. That's something that will do you well through your life. When you have kids someday, you don't get an awful lot of alone time, but it's important that you use it to enjoy being together, not just plopping down on the couch and zoning out on a movie. My parents had date night twice a month while I was growing up - even when money was tight and they could barely afford the babysitter, they knew it was important that they have some quality time together so that they could be happy in their relationship and thus be better parents. They'd go play tennis together, or just grab sandwiches and take a walk on the beach. Moral of the story: it's better you get a few good hours with him than a whole bunch of time if you're both happy with what you're doing (school and work).
I know it's hard not being able to see him, but he's trying to better himself for both of you.
And I'm with the PP that suggested that the money he owes to his parents is weighing hard on him. First, he's going against his parents' wishes by putting off school, and he owes them money...I'd imagine it would be east for them to hold that over his head.
And as for him putting off school when he has no interest of going, that's one of those semesters that people fail when they are forced to go.
You are well within your right to feel a little slighted, but just try to focus on the postive. And don't waste your time argueing when your time together is so precious.
But I had to keep reminding myself that he was working to ensure a secure position for himself within the company and setting a solid foundation for our future. He did those hours for two months. Then in July and August it went back to normal. I'm sure he'll have more time periods in which the firm will have him working crazy hours again. But this time I'll be more prepared to deal with it. When ever I felt upset or sad at not being able to see him I just tried to remember why he's doing it.
I'm sure that he much rather be with you and spend time with you than work, so he's sacrificing as well to be a good man and provider. You're definitely right to feel the way you do, its human nature to want to be with your loved one. I know it was selfish of me to feel that way and I like to think I was allowed to, but I knew that I needed to step it up and be strong. So talk to you BF and tell him what you feel, but also that you understand what he's doing and that you support him. I hope that you guys get a chance to find a compromise.
Motolyn's House Remodel Blog Starting anew Nov. 2012.
FI and I live 3.5 hours apart. We see eachother every other weekend. This summer he was incredibly busy with work and with building his truck (for a trip we were taking with our friends). We didn't see eachother for a month. I was angry and also jealous (of a truck!) even though I knew and understood why we couldn't see eachother.
It sounds like you know why and understand why he can't see you right now. Is it possible for you to go see him? Perhaps surprise him on Saturday night after a long day of work? You should also figure out how long this will go on for so you have a time to look forward to.
My advice is to keep talking. FI and I talk all the time on the phone, and we use Skype when we are at home (so we can actually see eachother as we chat). That helps.
Good Luck.
OK a few things...
BF is 24 and this job could very well be long term because it is a well respected career path, for those who might know anything about Caterpillar. Before he got this job we talked about school and he has the plan that if in the future (after we marry) if he wants to go back to school, he will. (but we all know how that goes...most likely he won't).
I'm going to support him in anything he wants to do...and I think that's where I messed up last night. He felt like I was against him. I was upset about not being able to see him, when we've gone longer periods without seeing each other.
Thanks, Calindi. I will remember that it's all about quality not quantity.
Married Bio
[QUOTE]Calindi, everything you said is really smart and well put! It can be hard to be away from BF (mine worked in NYC Monday-Thursday for 5 months last year. We live in Chicago and he'd leave super early and get home super late), but at the same time, having such little time together can make those moments more special. You end up planning time to BE together, rather than just watching tv or running errands like can happen when you are around each other all the time. Good luck dealing with your new situation Heart -- <strong>I'm sure you will find a way to get through it together and strengthen your relationship.
</strong>Posted by cschiano[/QUOTE]
Thank you. I'm positive we will!
BF and I also live about an hour away. So we get to see each other once a week usually Saturdays. I think as long as he's still making an effort to see you once a week for a bit, that's definitely good on his part. I think you are going to have to adapt a bit more to this change.
If he had totally bailed on you, I'd see it as more of his problem. I think you do need to just sacrifice a bit more of that, in favour of this new job. Yes, you're transferring to school which will make it harder, but for him he's supporting you in that even though it'll cut back on your time together. And I think that's what he was expecting you to do here with his situation changing.
GL! I hate fights.
[QUOTE]Heart, I kinda get what you're saying. I don't think you were completely wrong, but I think you probably took it too far. I do that too though. BF and I also live about an hour away. So we get to see each other once a week usually Saturdays. I think as long as he's still making an effort to see you once a week for a bit, that's definitely good on his part. I think you are going to have to adapt a bit more to this change. If he had totally bailed on you, I'd see it as more of his problem. I think you do need to just sacrifice a bit more of that, in favour of this new job. Yes, you're transferring to school which will make it harder, but for him he's supporting you in that even though it'll cut back on your time together. And I think that's what he was expecting you to do here with his situation changing. GL! I hate fights.
Posted by heyimbren[/QUOTE]
Thanks, Bren.
I think (no, I KNOW) I totally overreacted about the whole thing, I can't wait until Sat. so he and I can talk face-to-face.
P.S. I like you, Bren! You're a really cool person! Thanks for the input and I hope you and your BF can work out whatever you are going through.</div>
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Unbiased opinion if you can, please! (Kinda long) : Thanks, Bren. I think (no, I KNOW) I totally overreacted about the whole thing, I can't wait until Sat. so he and I can talk face-to-face. P.S. <strong>I like you, Bren! You're a really cool person!</strong> Thanks for the input and I hope you and your BF can work out whatever you are going through.
Posted by HeartOverMind[/QUOTE]
Ooh, well flattery will get you everywhere with me ;) Merci beaucoup.
It's okay, I can relate to overreacting. I overreact too. We will work things out (just like I'm sure you will), but I think it's because he's a better person than I am. He owns up to his actions, and I find it harder to let things ago. And all he did was get too busy to call me to give me a heads up that he was busy and had to cancel our plans.
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Unbiased opinion if you can, please! (Kinda long) : Ooh, well flattery will get you everywhere with me ;) Merci beaucoup. It's okay, I can relate to overreacting. I overreact too. We will work things out (just like I'm sure you will), but I think it's because he's a better person than I am. He owns up to his actions, and I find it harder to let things ago.<strong> And all he did was get too busy to call me to give me a heads up that he was busy and had to cancel our plans.
</strong>Posted by heyimbren[/QUOTE]
Yeah. I totally understand. I would have completely overreacted about that.
The thing is, I know intellectually (or mentally) that something like that is not a big deal and I can go without making a fuss. But emotionally!...no, he's not getting away without me being upset about it.
That is something I need to change. It's so annoying. Because I know BF doesn't deserve me treating him like that or me getting upset about something that wasn't that big of a deal. I don't know.
On the other hand, my husband was recently offered a position that would pay five times what he currently makes, but we would have to move, he'd have to work in a formal office, and he'd get less vacation time. For us, it just wasn't worth it! He loves working from home occasionally, only owns one suit and hates wearing it for any reason, and we take ever single day of vacation he has (even if it's just to stay home and watch bad movies). When we started looking at houses 3+ years ago and were talking finances we agreed that vacation and low-stress jobs outweigh potential earnings, and we're sticking to it. (Yes we owe tons of money in student loans and have our fair share of debt, but we make other sacrifices so we can get plenty of quality time together).
Don't get me wrong, we both put in our overtime when we were starting out, but if this is a long-term gig and he intends to work 6-7 day weeks for more than a few months then you may need to seriously consider how much quality you can squeeze out of a single week day together for the next __ years. If he doesn't want to work this way forever, he probably needs to go back to school.
[QUOTE] Don't get me wrong, we both put in our overtime when we were starting out, but if this is a long-term gig and he intends to work 6-7 day weeks for more than a few months then you may need to seriously consider how much quality you can squeeze out of a single week day together for the next __ years. If he doesn't want to work this way forever, he probably needs to go back to school.
Posted by nefariousmango[/QUOTE]
<div>THIS is what I was trying to get at, but you said it in a more concise, understandable way.</div><div>
</div><div>Working long hours may not be a big deal now, but if it's not what you want for the relationship that needs to be talked about ASAP.</div>