How much time do you spend with your SO?

loves2shop4shoes · August 2010

BF and I got into a bit of an argument last night and I wanted to hear people's takes on it. I feel like lately, especially during the week, when we're home together, we don't really spend that much time together.

Basically, we've settled into this routine: he comes home from work, makes dinner, we eat dinner and talk about our days. Some days we'll go for a walk or run after dinner, but most days, I'll either read, watch tv, or go online. He does the same. Since for the most part, we can't stand each other's tv choices, we generally are not really doing these things together. I mean, one of us will be on the laptop or reading a book, the other will be watching tv. We always walk our dog at least once together every night. Last night was particularly bad because I was watching the Bachelorette while he played Starcraft 2 for two hours.

I don't know. I'm freaking out a bit about law school and worried that if we ignore each other now, it's only going to get worse with the amount of work and stress I'll have. Is it normal to be home with your SO and not necessarily spend as much time engaging with them in some way?

I talk (and cried) to BF last night and told him exactly how I felt. He agrees and says we can work on it, but it has to be an effort on both of our parts.

What are your thoughts on this?

**As a completely unrelated side note, during our argument, it came out that BF was going to propose on the 4th of July, but didn't because my cousin got engaged 2 or 3 days before. Now he doesn't know how he's going to do it. Le sigh.

PaigeMcC · August 2010

Sometimes couples need their own time. You're not going to like everything your BF does and vise versa. I think it's healthy to spend time doing things you enjoy on your own. It gives you time to relax and reflect. Just because you live together doesn't mean you have to spend all your time together. You need time as an individual just as you need time as a couple.

KD+BC · August 2010

We go through cycles. Sometimes we do exactly what you described, spend some time together after work then do our own things. Sometimes we spend all our time together. I think it's healthy to have your own interests and activities. If you spend all your time together things might get monotonous. As long as you make an effort to have that time together (dinner, walk, etc.) you should be fine.

I think the fact that you were able to communicate your worries with him is a good thing.

noelle24 · August 2010

It's not unusual, or even unhealthy, for couples to spend time at home doing their own thing. I'd be more concerned if you both were so attached at the hip that you had to do every single thing together. You eat dinner together and chat, and you walk the dog together. That's quality time that you are getting every day.

It all depends on the couple. If you feel like your current habits are detrimental to your relationship, then by all means, try to make some changes. But from what you described, I'm not automatically concerned.

As for myself, I'm in a LDR, so the answer to your question is "Not enough".

Hazel_B · August 2010

I think it is healthy to spend time apart and have your own interests. It allows growth as individuals and as a couple when you are bringing new experiences to your relationship.

If you were interested in the same tv shows would you consider wachting a tv show for 2 hours together quality time with him? If not, is it a big deal that you do different things in the evening. The fact that you are having meals together, talking about your day and going for walks together, to me, is more quality time than sitting watching tv together.

PaigeMcC · August 2010

Oh, and to answer the original question - sometimes I spend a lot of time with FI (we live together) and sometimes I do not. It depends on our schedules and if he's bugging me that day. (jk jk!!)

run21 · August 2010

We had been in a routine during the week where we ate dinner together, then immediately wandered over to the couch where we had the TV on AND were surfing or working. Other than dinner, not exactly quality time. But that assumes I'm even in town (and I haven't been during the week for the past 3 months). We spend almost all weekend together because I don't know anyone else here yet and we don't have much time together during the week because of my work travel.

Sometimes the week night dinner starts at 5:30 and goes until well after 9 or so - not the food part, just talking. Especially if it isn't too hot and we can sit outside for awhile.

So it all depends. If the options are TV together or whatever else you want to do separate, I'm not sure it makes a big difference. Maybe one night a week is game night - order pizza or make an easy meal and play Monopoly or some other twosome-friendly game.

Dinner together and walking the dog probably account for more time together than most couples spend! But if it bothers you, it's worth discussing.

bsidebella · August 2010

You know what saved my relationship? A DVR. No, seriously. You think he wants to watch "Teen Mom" or any of my lame reality shows? And I have no interest in watching "Dr. Who" or "Burn Notice." So, we got a DVR.

There are TV shows that we both love, so we will watch those shows together while the DVR records something else. Then we watch those recordings on our own time - like when he's at work and I'm not and vice-versa. It saves a lot of fighting and we get to spend time together.

But in answer to your post, I don't think there's anything wrong with your relationship. You're fine.

And don't worry about the engagement thing. BF told me he was going to propose in January, then April, then June. Now supposedly it's going to happen this month. I'm not getting my hopes up.

SopChick · August 2010

BF and I live together, so technically we spend time with each other every day. We always eat dinner together, but BF likes to watch something while we eat. We have a few shows that we watch together (burned or DVR), and that's nice, but I wish we did more out of the house together.

BTW, Starcraft 2 is the bane of my existence currently. BF has been staying up all hours of the night playing it, coming to bed just before the sun comes up... oh video games.

It sounds like you two do a lot together, so I wouldn't be concerned. Congratulations on law school (I know you've mentioned it before), that's quite an achievement just to be accepted!

dwest2201 · August 2010

It depends... somedays we spend a lot of time together, others very little. Life happens, we don't like all the same shows, sometimes one of us isn't feeling great and just wants to lay around and be lazy. As long as there are still days where we get to spend a good amount of time together I say that all is well.

bsidebella · August 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_much-time-spend?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:136Discussion:57beb4a0-22e7-43e0-a09f-c2db9a2897dfPost:2909cc8c-ba63-4dfc-90a1-c2e4591226ec">Re: How much time do you spend with your SO?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: How much time do you spend with your SO? : bside, I am obviously a ginormous dork cuz I got really excited at the thought of watching Dr Who.
Posted by sunbird627[/QUOTE]

Hahahaha! BF is trying to get me to watch it because I'm a big Anglophile; but right now I don't have the attention span LOL I mean...27 SEASONS!

jeanacorina · August 2010

DH and I spend a good bit of time together in the evenings... but we've had the opposite problem. I usually have dinner just about ready when he gets home, he turns on Netflix and finds something to watch (we both like a lot of the same things), we eat dinner and watch TV together, talk about our days, then go upstairs and play video games together for a few hours, and then we go to bed together.

The thing is, if for any reason I want to deviate from that schedule and surf the internet or hang out with friends or something, he finds it very difficult to do anything without me and gets frustrated, which frustrates me.

I have school, volunteering, and maybe a hobby or two that enrich my life and help me identify as an individual. DH identifies as his job title and my husband. Therefore, when he's not at work, he's 100% about me. He wants to do things together ALL the time. If we don't, he feels unhappy. If he feels like I'm not satisfied being with him and need to do something on my own, it seems to make him feel bad.

That's not healthy!

It's very important for a couple to spend time together. Have similar hobbies and activities that you DO together (not just watch TV). Like I said, we play video games together. He even volunteers with me on Thursday nights.

However, it is equally important to be ABLE to spend time apart, as an individual. You need your own identity and experiences to bring to your relationship, or it's kind of boring.

jeanacorina · August 2010

By the way, Dr Who is amazing.

BCRockies · August 2010

It depends on the time of the year for how much quality time BF and I have together. During the week, we'll have dinner together, watch tv after/surf the internet on our computers but we sit right next to each other. In the summer, BF likes to do stuff after work. Depending on how tired I am and what activity it is, I may join him.

When I'm off on weekends, we try to maximize our time together.

In winter, I rarely see him on the weekends as BF is off snowboarding somewhere. If I was good enough to go with him, I would but they have tendency to go into the back country with snowmobiles. I'm no where near good enough for this.

I would say you're doing great. As long as you get some time together to talk without distractions, I would say this is quality time. If you want more, maybe think about picking one day each week and make it 'date night'. You spend the time together but away from other distractions. It could be as simple and creative as cooking a meal together.

catemeg · August 2010

As the live-in significant other of a law student, let me tell you that it's not about the quantity of time but the quality of time. And that's something to keep in mind, because the quantity of time you will have available will be very slim.

We sleep next to each other nearly every night but he wakes up at 5am to go running and go to the gym. I wake up around 8am, right when he's leaving for work. We get a kiss, a hug, maybe a little cuddle, and he leaves. Then we spend the whole day apart while he's in classes/internship. Then we try to eat dinner together every night, but sometimes he doesn't have much time. And he's either studying or relaxing in the evening, which involves zoning out on some dumb computer game or reading his scifi/fantasy books. We often go a whole week without spending much time together. On weekends, we both have things we have to do for errands and whatnot, but we always try to do at least one thing together and special on weekends.

The summary is that you can spend 2 hours together on the weekend going out for a nice dinner, or going to the zoo or some other activity, and it's way better than forcing yourselves to hang out after a long hard day when you really just want to watch TV or play a game. Also, we love playing board games together, and that's something brainless we can do in the evenings together without requiring too much energy, and helps both of us relax.

When you live together, life tends to get in the way of spending time together. And that's okay - make time for friends, personal hobbies, and carve out time for one-on-one time with your boyfriend. All of that will make you a happier person and will make your time together that much more fulfilling.

Also, one thing that will really help you if you can manage it - my boyfriend is good at treating law school like a full time job - during the week, if he's not in classes, he's studying. That way he is able to fit most of his work between 8am - 7pm Mon-Fri so that I get to see him in the evenings and weekends. If you're not able to be as disciplined, expect to have a lot less time together and to be much more stressed. Make sure your boyfriend knows that just because you're not in class doesn't mean you don't have work to do. This isn't college, so it's important he realizes that your studies HAVE to come first.

melliott09 · August 2010

We have lived together for the last 6 years, but we don't see each other very often. I work from 9-5 and he works from 4:30-1. This works for us, because he is home during the day with our son, and home to get my 2 older boys off the bus. We have a babysitter pick up the slack in between him leaving and me coming home.

We both have our own routines, but every other weekend when he is off, we do special family stuff, and make sure that we carve out time with each other. Even if it's getting a babysitter to go food shopping together.

Our situation is a little different, because we already have children, but we make due with the time we have together. The PP was right, it's quality, not quantity.

The schedule we have right now is what's best for our family, so we sacrifice time for ourselves, to make a better life for our family!

misskrysbaby · August 2010

We do the same stuff you mentioned, like everyday. Lol. We work at the same place, around the same time. While we're at work, we aren't around each other, as we work in different places in the office. We come home, eat dinner either at the dining table or if we have a Netflix movie, in front of the tv. Then, either we find a show we want to watch together or we sit in front of our laptops, which are side by side. Occasionally we'll go out for drinks with our friends or whatnot, but for the most part, those moments in the evening are our time together. And when it started getting routine, we made date nights on Tuesdays (our one day off together). We go out to eat or to a movie or whatever else we can think of. It adds a little spice to the week and shakes us out of our routine a bit.

loves2shop4shoes · August 2010

Thank you all so much for your thoughtful responses. The more I think about it, the more I just think that I'm freaking out about law school starting and not having any time for BF (or hell, anything). When we are spending time together (during dinner or walking Gemini), it is amazing quality time.

I freaked out when I noticed our pattern of doing our own things during most of the evening; I didn't realize it was normal. I don't really have any healthy live-in relationships to compare my own to, so I was worried. Everyone I know is either 1) single and unattached 2) married 3) unhappily married or 4) living with their SO in an abusive relationship. You have all really put it into perspective (especially Jeana...thank you for your counterexample.)

I love BF so much. This is the most wonderful, healthy relationship I've had with anyone in my entire life and I really don't want to eff it up.

leia1979 · August 2010

I think your situation is pretty normal. It bothers me on occasion, too, but we've mostly got it worked out. During the week, we get home around 6:30 or 7, eat dinner, watch some TV, browse on our laptops, and I go to bed first.

One or two days a week BF plays WoW or goes out with coworkers. I'll shop, visit my parents, go out with friends, or just have some me time watching TV shows BF doesn't like. I actually like having those me time days. Then on the weekend, we try to do more quality things together.

jeanacorina · August 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_much-time-spend?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:57beb4a0-22e7-43e0-a09f-c2db9a2897dfPost:28a77e45-34ac-49d6-8bdb-4371701c83d9">Re: How much time do you spend with your SO?</a>:
[QUOTE]Thank you all so much for your thoughtful responses. The more I think about it, the more I just think that I'm freaking out about law school starting and not having any time for BF (or hell, anything).
Posted by loves2shop4shoes[/QUOTE]

I really think that is exactly what's going on. Your life is about to get very busy. You're freaked out a little. That's normal. Just make sure to devote some time to your relationship each week, and talk to your SO about the time commitment law school will be. If he's supportive and understanding, and if you can concentrate on school when you need to while still maintaining a few hours of relationship-time each week, you guys WILL make it through just fine.

Be positive!

Calumet · August 2010

Actually I also watched the Bachelorette last night while DH played Starcraft 2.

I think it was fine.

heyimbren · August 2010

i see my boyfriend about one night a week, usually saturdays. sometimes we do miss a couple weeks here or there, so i guess it isn't that much. but i kinda like it. i'm the kind of person who needs my own space as well.

everytime my gramma goes to a bridal shower she gives this advice to the bride-to-be: have your own life too. don't just get married and focus in on married life... (or a relationship) but have your own separate interests and activities. so i think what you're doing sounds very healthy.

definitely quality over quantity, like catemeg said. but i think Jeana put it really well- you're about to have a big new transition in your life, and it's scary to see how your relationship will adapt to it. but you should be fine

nottheonlydreamer44 · August 2010

Love2shop,

I can't really add anything new to this discussion but to say I understand where you're at about freaking out about school and not having time for anything. That's why I am doing as much wedding planning as humanly possible RIGHT NOW because in 3 weeks - my life is going to suck. I was thinking (freaking out) yesterday about working (if I get a nanny job) and trying to pull off this schedule and having a life, at all. -- I think taking 13 Graduate School credit hours was too much but we shall see. lol. Try to relax hun! At least know that someone is in it qith you.

As for the other stuff, Mike and I are together almost every evening - unless I am out with my friends or @ class. He is a bit different from Jeana's H though because he has no problem be at home by himself and just relaxing without me. He doesn't text me or call me at all when I'm out unless it gets late and check to see when I'll be home. I think that's healthy? LOL

I don't remember who said it - but I wish that Mike and I spent more time out of the house as well but we try not to spend money through the week. We go out every weekend. We tend to work similiar schedules and have a pattern that we are going to break once I get all these loose ends tied up. We did randomly play Wii for like 4 hours the other night but now that we got Netflix he's obsessed. I just get online and put my feet in his lap.

I know this doesn't help at all but I just wanted you to know you weren't alone! I'm sorry about the July 4th proposal - I wish he wouldn't have told you that. Just think that it's coming in the future and try to relax. Wow this is long! Sorry.

****Mike loves Teen Mom, The T.O Show, Bridezillas, Dad Camp ect..." or at least he pretends too.****

jemmini6 · August 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_much-time-spend?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:57beb4a0-22e7-43e0-a09f-c2db9a2897dfPost:ccc502e1-3b32-4169-a2a8-ab11c69e56c7">Re: How much time do you spend with your SO?</a>:
[QUOTE]Sometimes couples need their own time. You're not going to like everything your BF does and vise versa. I think it's healthy to spend time doing things you enjoy on your own. It gives you time to relax and reflect. Just because you live together doesn't mean you have to spend all your time together. You need time as an individual just as you need time as a couple.
Posted by PaigeMcC[/QUOTE]

this!

chicka_bonita9 · August 2010

Loves2shop,

I can completely relate to what you're saying. It's funny because last night that was our exact situation (I was watching Bachelorette, he was playing Starcraft 2). We've been living together for 2 years and I used to feel like we weren't spending enough time together also. We had a long talk & decided to begin certain little rituals to balance our "alone" time & our "together" time. We stop everything we're doing to eat dinner & we watch the tv shows that we both like together. After that, we go back to doing our own thing. Then before bedtime we share a midnight snack together with one last tv show & go to sleep together. I think it's helped me not panic & get paranoid that we're not being so 'close'.

That being said, I agree with what everyone has said. It's healthy to have your own outlet but at the same time it is very good that you guys can communicate on the issue & come up with a solution.

How much time do you spend with your SO?

Re: How much time do you spend with your SO?

Choose Another Board

Search Boards