So scared....

MyWedding13 · July 2010

So, this is my first wedding (and my fiance's first) but lately I have been so paranoid and scared that why bother because what if we get divorced?! Am I being super irrational, or is this a normal pre-wedding worry?

Marrin713 · July 2010

Sounds pretty normal.....but it should just be a passing thought; not something to obsess over. Maybe some pre-marital counseling is in order?

embracejoy · July 2010

It's a pretty defeatist thought to have for two people who've never been married before, or been through a divorce. Why are you even thinking about divorce before you're married?

Honestly, I would take some time to really consider if getting married (or marrying this particular person) is what you want. I agree with the PP.. some premarital counseling may be a good idea!

Good luck!

Marrin713 · July 2010

Geez....I blew right over the first time marriage bit. I just always assume whoever posts here has already been to the rodeo. So then yes, what PP has written.

Do you have alot of divorce in your family? Sometimes that can be off-putting and make you think twice.

Sloane99 · July 2010

Please don't take this as harshly as it may come out, but as someone who's been to that particular rodeo the only way I can take your post is not good. I had a very similar experience with my first marriage, I harboured not just a lot of doubts, but a kind of "what's the point" in the time leading up to the wedding. I know hindsight is 20/20 but we were young and if you really got an honest answer out of me then I didn't anticipate us lasting either.

I do think fears around such a large commitment are completely normal and rational. It's a big commitment and it's one that shouldn't be taken lightly, and despite the fact that everyone on this board has been through it at least once before I don't think any of us take marriage any less seriously. I know for myself, I take marriage itself more seriously than I did last time around and the wedding less so.

It's really hard to tell from your post if you are just experiencing normal fears around a big step or if you're projecting deeper doubts about this not being right for you. Perhaps you could elaborate and we could help you a bit better.

embracejoy · July 2010

I agree wholeheartedly with Sloane.

In my first marriage, I had the same sorts of thoughts and doubts before the wedding, but I pushed them out of my mind. After we were married, I always had a feeling like it wasn't going to last, but again, I took that as "normal" fears, since my parents' marriage ended badly. In the end, I remained the faithful partner.. the same couldn't be said for my ex-husband. And as sad as I was that things had ended so badly (I tried for a solid year to keep things alive, but as we all know, marriages can't be saved with just one spouse trying), after a few weeks of mourning, I felt *relieved*. I knew then that I had the opportunity to truly be happy again.

I can promise you, with 100% certainty, I have not had one moment of doubt with FH. I know in my heart that this is the man I was meant to marry -- I just had to go through some serious growing up and had a few lessons to learn before I'd be ready for this marriage.

I urge the OP.. search your heart. You should not be feeling this level of fear and uncertainty a year away from your wedding. I believe no one has any business getting married without total confidence in yourself, your partner and your relationship.

melissamc2 · July 2010

With over half of marriages ending in divorce, I think everyone has those thoughts (and rightfully so) from time to time while in the planning process (or Hell, even the dating process). The big difference is whether these thoughts are just that - passing thoughts such as "Over half of marriages end in divorce. What makes us avoid being one of those," OR is it more like "Over half of marriages end in divorce, so I might as well accept it's a probability."

I'm going to go against the popular opinion on this one - I don't think having these thoughts is unhealthy or are necessarily a warning sign. I find them to be much the same way as when you get on an airplane you instinctively think "I hope this isn't the one that crashes." Admitting you think it doesn't make it happen.

DO think long and hard about what you're doing, but don't beat yourself up over a few 'what if' thoughts from time to time. Just don't DWELL on them or let them become a self fulfilling prophecy.

Congratulations and good luck.

KilleenBride · July 2010

How serious are your fears? Are they just the "thinking about it every so often" or the "it's on your mind all the time" or the "bring you to tears and feel it in your gut" feeling? I went through all 3 before my first marriage but mine were always gut feelings like "it is going to happen' type. 5 min before my first wedding while I was getting into my dress I broke out into hives and started bawling, I just knew I shouldn't go out of the door and down the ilse and I still regret listening to everyone say "it's just cold feet, everyone's already here so go" , we were seperated 15min after we said 'i do" so You need to figure out if it is just a simple 'think about it every so often" fear or if it is a gut feeling.

kristi-ji · July 2010

Have you spoken with your FI about your fears? If not, do this.
Nearly every woman in my family (mother's side) has gone through terrible divorces. Watching my parents go through the process after 5 kids and nearly 20 years together - I became terrified of relationships, always expecting them to end, wondering myself, "what's the point of it all?"
That is, until I met my FI. I love him with all my heart, and I know I want to spend the rest of my life with him. Those fears are still there, though, and rather than hide them or pretend they don't exist, I spoke with him about them.
Our conversation consisted of us talking about our fears regarding marriage and what we need to do as individuals and as couples to make sure that our marriage remains strong through all the ups and downs. We made promises to each other, including the promise that the "D" word is not an option, nor is it ever to to be mentioned in anger or fear, that it will never be a solution to any problems, arguments or disagreements we might face in the future. We also made promises to remain open, to talk and listen, and the additional promise that no matter what, we will never leave each other's sight without saying "I love you."
Talk to your FI. I was a bit nervous at first, but he had many of the same fears and cncerns, and discussing exactly what we needed from each other before our marriage and after, strengthened our resolve and our relationship.
Above all, follow your heart. Are you happy? If you answer this question honestly, it will help you decide exactly what you need to do.

Good luck.

prncsz · July 2010

I think it's a perfectly normal fear. I know in my case it is because both my parents have been married multiple times. My fiance's parents have been married for 30+ years but to say they are happy is another story. I just look at it as we are both going to do what it takes to make our marriage work. We have had this discuss and discussed our fears going in but have determined that we are willing to take that risk. We see divorce as not an option for us. He has several family members that have been married for 17+ years so it's got to be something that makes it work.

We plan to go to pre-marital counseling and possibly continue marital counseling for sometime after we are married.

So scared....

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