Family Drama

porky · July 2011

Hi ladies. I need some advice. I am less than 3 months from my wedding and there are members of my family who are driving me crazy.

In May I asked my aunt if her daughter (my cousin) could read a scripture during our ceremony (after she spent an hour telling me how busy her kids were). She said yes. I told her that I would call back in a few days to ask my cousin to be a reader. The very next night my aunt left me a message, saying that she did not know if my cousin being a reader would work because they did not want to come up "the day before for the RD." I returned her call with a message and did not leave too much info so my cousin would not hear anything. I have not been able to reach this aunt since the beginning of June. My mother told me that my aunt was probably trying to delay getting back to me until she knows what her daughter's school activity schedule will be. My question - do I continue to get my aunt on the phone or just find someone else to read.

Second issue. My uncle is divorced and remarried with 2 step-daughters. My mother asked me months ago to include the step-daughter who we have all met and who has come to family functions. I told my mother I felt awkward about only inviting one of the sisters, but left it alone. It all came to a head last week and I added the second sister to my list - which I am fine with. The problem - my cousin who is a bridesmaid told her father (my uncle) that the sisters are invited, but they could not bring a guest (apparently one of the sisters always wants to bring a guest everywhere). My uncle asked her why they were not allowed to bring a guest. Am I out of line to not allow them to bring a guest? I am not allowing any of my unmarried cousins to bring a guest so there is no special treatment to anyone.

I enjoy parts of my wedding planning, but this family drama has reached a new high. I know I cannot please everyone and I have been very laidback and a fairly reasonable bride, but why do I feel like everyone is trying to take advantage of me? Any advice/suggestions?

mrandmrsbrist · July 2011

I would keep trying to get your aunt on the phone. Reading isn't THAT big of a deal. And it doesn't take much prep time. However if you're getting down to the wire (which I would consider to be a month out) I would find someone else.

As for the cousins wanting to bring guests, how old are they? Are they in serious relationships? If they are, I'd allow them to bring a guest. If they aren't and they just want to drag a friend along, I wouldn't.

I doubt people are actually trying to take advantage of you. It's hard to please everyone and I know for me when I'm giving in to everyone, I feel like I'm not getting anything I want and am being taken advantage of. Talk to your FI about those feelings. Maybe just expressing them to someone will help.

DramaGeek · July 2011

How old are the two step-daughters? If they are 18 or older, they should receive their own invitations and a guest if they are in a relationship. If they are younger than 18 or over 18 but not in a relationship, then you are not obligated to invite them with a guest.

As far as the other cousin, a reading is something you can ask someone to do with even just a month notice, I think. You could also send your aunt a note (text, email, letter, whatever) saying that your cousin doesn't have to be at the RD and that you'd really like her to do the reading but you need to know by X date or you'll ask someone else.

Oh, and your instinct with the step-daughters was spot on - invite them both, especially if they both live at home.

porky · July 2011

Thanks ladies. My aunt does not check her email, texts or facebook - we are all forced to try to get her on the phone. I think it is a power/control issue with her.
I want to tell her that they do not have to be at the RD because they are OOT guests and the RD is actually on a Thursday evening. There will be other members of the bridal party who are unable to make it to the RD.

As for the step-sisters, I have only seen the younger one a few times and have never met the older one. I have heard that the younger one asks to bring her boyfriend everyone (and they have not been dating all that long either). The older sister I know nothing about. I do not think I should include a "plus 1" just to pacify them. If they were both in long term relationships I might think differently.

If only I had listened when my mother told me there would be all kinds of family issues with my guest list.

joie424 · July 2011

Your aunt sounds like she is trying to get out of it. Honestly if it were me personally I'd leave it alone and find another reader. You could try and let her know about not having to be at the rehearsal dinner if you want but I'd personally just move on if it were me.

If the step sisters are 18+ and are in a relationship they should definitely get a plus one. Are your parents paying for the wedding? If so then why not just give them a plus one if your parents are ok with it?

mrandmrsbrist · July 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/cultural-wedding-boards_christian-weddings_family-drama?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Cultural%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:464687ae-7bc1-4360-9aea-999e11f1e1adDiscussion:6f8cae76-e470-41ac-8860-b031848ad6b4Post:584a40ae-91ff-402f-94ff-83584fed3cc8">Re: Family Drama</a>:
[QUOTE]Thanks ladies. My aunt does not check her email, texts or facebook - we are all forced to try to get her on the phone. I think it is a power/control issue with her. I want to tell her that they do not have to be at the RD because they are OOT guests and the RD is actually on a Thursday evening. There will be other members of the bridal party who are unable to make it to the RD. As for the step-sisters, I have only seen the younger one a few times and have never met the older one. I have heard that the younger one asks to bring her boyfriend everyone (and they have not been dating all that long either). The older sister I know nothing about. <strong>I do not think I should include a "plus 1" just to pacify them.</strong> If they were both in long term relationships I might think differently. If only I had listened when my mother told me there would be all kinds of family issues with my guest list.
Posted by porky[/QUOTE]

Why is your RD Thursday night?

You didn't answer the question about ages. How old are they? If the younger one has had a boyfriend long enough for the entire family to know that she asks to bring him everywhere, you should invite her with a plus one.

About the bolded part, if you've already made up your mind, why are you asking about it?

porky · July 2011

My RD is on Thursday because there are weddings and other rehearsals taking place at my venue.

The step-sisters are about 20 and 22. The only family that knows their boyfriends are my uncle, their mother and my cousins (their step-siblings). The rest of our family does not know them.

Lastly, I did not bold any statement in my last post.

iamjoesgurl · July 2011

I would agree that it is okay to invite them without a guest if they are not in a serious relationship. I invited all of my cousins but only one had a guest (I included him on the invitation by name) because they were in a serious relationship. If you invite them without a guest, it's not like they don't know anyone at the wedding to sit and talk with.

As far as the readings, I would agree to wait until about a month out and if you still don't have an answer, call your aunt and explain that you need to know by x date and if you don't hear, you'll need to ask someone else. I agree that they don't need to attend the rehearsal. It's probably reasonable to assume that her mother could prompt her when it is her turn to read and you could ask someone else at the rehearsal to fill her in on any other details she'll need to know. (Neither of my readers were at the rehearsal.)

mrandmrsbrist · July 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/cultural-wedding-boards_christian-weddings_family-drama?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Cultural%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:464687ae-7bc1-4360-9aea-999e11f1e1adDiscussion:6f8cae76-e470-41ac-8860-b031848ad6b4Post:2fc6f241-9537-4cf0-a034-1d3bbbbe70ad">Re: Family Drama</a>:
[QUOTE]My RD is on Thursday because there are weddings and other rehearsals taking place at my venue. The step-sisters are about 20 and 22. The only family that knows their boyfriends are my uncle, their mother and my cousins (their step-siblings). The rest of our family does not know them. Lastly, I did not bold any statement in my last post.
Posted by porky[/QUOTE]

<div>Would it be possible to host the RD somewhere other than your venue? If not, I think telling your aunt that she doesn't need to come up for it is fine, so long as you're okay with that.</div><div>
</div><div>Invite the boyfriend. That's old enough that it shouldn't even really be a question of whether or not they're invited.</div><div>
</div><div>I bolded it.</div>

Family Drama

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