How terrible would this be?

volleygurl0306 · June 2012

One of my BM is a September 1 bride. To put it out there upfront, there never has been an issue with us getting married 4 weeks apart...we are excited for each other. I am not one of her BM which I'm okay with. The closeness of the weddings would have made it hard on me and she has a lot of sisters/SIL/FSIL and I respect that. Her wedding is in VA (like mine) so I'd need to travel to it...during labor day weekend. I just bought tickets to my brother's wedding (end of July) and am having sticker shock right now. We have 2 weddings we HAVE to travel to in July (FI is in one and I am in my brothers). We still have gifts to buy for both and FI's tux for his friends to pay for. I'm starting to think that my friends wedding just isn't going to be possible. Haven't received the invite yet so I still have time, but if you were my friend, would you think it is terrible to be close enough to be my BM but I can't make your wedding?

It is genuinely upsetting me but a flight, rental car, hotel, and gift are seeming like so much right now (that's only 1 flight if FI doesn't come, 2 if he does. And if he doesn't come I'm not 25 so get all sorts of fees at rental car places).

saturninus · June 2012

I hate to say it, but I would be devastated. Especially since it's only 2.5 months away.

mspurr · June 2012

I would be pretty devastated too. I would recommend that you talk to your friend about it. Maybe she knows someone you can carpool with from the airport and share a hotel room with to save some money. Or, she will be completely understanding. One of my BMs got married in Mexico this past weekend and she told me before hand that she did not expect me to be able to make it with work and the cost (and thus did not ask me to be her BM...she only had one). I still felt horrible about not going but we had the open discussion so it made me feel a bit better. She is having a "reception" in our hometown that I would not miss for the world.

celticmyss · June 2012

I'd be bummed but I would understand if I knew you truly wanted to come but just couldn't swing it. If she is your close friend she probably knows that you don't exactly have a lot of disposable income right now. Only you know what type of person she is though.

egm900 · June 2012

If it were me, I would also be devastated about it, but tell you I understood. I'm also a September 1st bride, and I understand it's expensive to travel that weekend, but I also feel like if she's in your BP, you had plenty of notice and time to save. I would also rather have my friend at my wedding, rather than get a gift.

volleygurl0306 · June 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-club-boards_september-2012-weddings_how-terrible-would-this-be?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding Club BoardsForum:a464c18c-2e4d-469b-8eae-3865079cb9cfDiscussion:98e1056d-0c08-4406-810a-88f8d5230d81Post:0037b09b-2904-41f3-9ddb-0b6117edd320">Re: How terrible would this be?</a>:
[QUOTE]If it were me, I would also be devastated about it, but tell you I understood. I'm also a September 1st bride, and I understand it's expensive to travel that weekend, but I also feel like if she's in your BP, <strong>you had plenty of notice and time to save</strong>. I would also rather have my friend at my wedding, rather than get a gift.
Posted by egm900[/QUOTE]

FI ended up out of work so any savings we had were kinda depleted regardless of time. Somethings you can't control. And with my wedding 4 weeks later, as selfish as it sounds, savings had to go to that (and well they really aren't...we have used our wedding money to pay bills on occasion).

CowgirlK39 · June 2012

I personally would be pretty upset. I think it would take some real understanding and explaination. Being good friends I would hope she would understand. Maybe prep her ahead of time... talk with her as good friends do, and bring up how much stuff you have yet to pay for. Then if you realize there literally is NO way you can swing it, have a heart to heart with her and tell her you won't be able to make it. That way it won't seem like it came outta nowhere or might seem to her like a cop out.

BMcLeodTeam · June 2012

Yes, I admit I would be upset. However if she's close enough to be in your bridal party than she's close enough for you to talk it through with and be honest about your situation, and in turn she's close enough to understand. One of my closest friends isn't going to be there and had to turn down involvement in my wedding because she lives in New Zealand and couldn't make it back for my wedding in Sept and then her own in Jan because the price of flights are so crazy. It sucks, don't get me wrong, but I understand where she's coming from.

agladhill · June 2012

Is there anyway you can try to reduce your costs? Drive instead of fly? Bunk with a friend or family member of your friend who is getting married? Share a hotel room with someone else going? Could you just buy a suit/tux for FI rather than paying for the rental 2-3 different times? Do any of your family members have any points on their credit cards they could give you to use towards travel? You can always purchase a gift to send later. Etiquette says you have up to a year to send. Push comes to shove, could you apply for a credit card with a 0% interest rate for an initial period? I'd probably be really upset with you, if I were your friend, honestly. I'm sorry money is so tight! I can totally relate!!

volleygurl0306 · June 2012

Yeah she is aware of our financial situation because well, we are good friends and talk about what is going on in our lives. I'm going to look into a lot of options before I decide. FILs do live an hour from where she is getting married so realistically I could not drink and drive there after the reception so as not to have the hotel cost. Driving up there isn't realistic (its a 16 hour drive) but maybe if FILs can get me to/from the airport and I can borrow their car I won't need the rental car either (though I do feel like that is a big burden on them...airport is a 50 min drive one way for them). I would for sure be able to go if I knew our final headcount was below a certain budgeted number. Unfortunately though, our RSVP date is Sept 1 (invites printed so can't change) so I may just hang on as long as possible to RSVP to hers. And, if at the time of her due date I can't I'll talk to her and see if "no" RSVPs flood in after and she can still change her headcount it would be okay.

calindi · June 2012

I would talk to her about it. One of my high school friends got married in Virginia, and one of our other very good friends was devastated that she couldn't afford the trip - she was literally crying when she called the bride to tell her. Well, the bride told her not to worry about a gift, that she honestly would just be happy to have her there if the decision was between a gift or a flight. And I was already paying for my car rental and hotel, so my friend just had to pay for her flight. So we made it happen. If the friend who had limited finances hadn't been able to go, the bride would have definitely been upset, but she would have understood.

Especially with your situation, where your brother is also getting married and you are getting married and your FI is unexpectedly out of work... any true friend would be able to understand that, even if she was really disappointed.

Nikki71 · June 2012

I think you need to talk to her about it and be totally honest... but if it were me... I would be really upset if someone who asked me to stand by them at their wedding, pay for a dress, possibly hair/accessories, a gift, perhaps a bridal shower & bachelorette weekend would in turn not even attend my ceremony.

I know weddings are expensive and traveling is totally inconvenient... but if there is any way you can make it work, I'd suggest you try. If it really is out of the question, simply cannot afford it... you should talk to her in person and soon.

I liked the previous suggestion of asking family members to donate travel miles to you! That could help on flights!

Sorry you're in such a tough situation...

volleygurl0306 · June 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-club-boards_september-2012-weddings_how-terrible-would-this-be?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding Club BoardsForum:a464c18c-2e4d-469b-8eae-3865079cb9cfDiscussion:98e1056d-0c08-4406-810a-88f8d5230d81Post:b401ec45-0594-4852-97bf-20fd79a846d2">Re: How terrible would this be?</a>:
[QUOTE]I think you need to talk to her about it and be totally honest... but if it were me... I would be really upset if someone who asked me to stand by them at their wedding, pay for a dress, possibly hair/accessories, a gift, perhaps a bridal shower & bachelorette weekend would in turn not even attend my ceremony. I know weddings are expensive and traveling is totally inconvenient... but if there is any way you can make it work, I'd suggest you try. If it really is out of the question, simply cannot afford it... you should talk to her in person and soon. I liked the previous suggestion of asking family members to donate travel miles to you! That could help on flights! Sorry you're in such a tough situation... :(
Posted by Nikki71[/QUOTE]

Yeah I definitely will talk to her if it looks like it won't be doable. She lives in Indiana so unfortunately no face-to-face can happen though :-( She does have to travel for my wedding and her and I had the convo about her not coming to my shower/bachelorette because the cost to travel is ridiculous. She called me apologetic about it and I reassured her that it was not a problem and I would actually think her crazy to come to it because she has her own wedding to pay for. I think everything will be understood because since we are both brides we feel each others plight. She got engaged after committing to being my BM. When she got engaged I asked if she still wanted to be a BM because I understood her wedding comes first priority wise and I wouldn't be upset with her. I just wanted her to not feel guilty if it was going to be too much to bear. So we have been open about our financial situations constantly.

Thanks for the advise girls. Her and I were just gchatting about wedding updates and she said her invitation vendor is running behind so that buys me more time to figure things out (and start eating Ramen noodles).

Nikki71 · June 2012

Where in Indiana is her wedding? If it's Indianapolis there is great public transporation via Indy Go busses. I know, I know.... traveling by bus to a wedding is not amazing, but perhaps you could use the bus to get from airport to in-laws then borrow their car??

It sounds like she'll be very understanding no matter what you decide. Good luck!!

egm900 · June 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-club-boards_september-2012-weddings_how-terrible-would-this-be?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20Club%20BoardsForum:a464c18c-2e4d-469b-8eae-3865079cb9cfDiscussion:98e1056d-0c08-4406-810a-88f8d5230d81Post:9fb56394-4ad4-4c08-847c-6f050382a3b9">Re: How terrible would this be?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: How terrible would this be? : FI ended up out of work so any savings we had were kinda depleted regardless of time. Somethings you can't control. And with my wedding 4 weeks later, as selfish as it sounds, savings had to go to that (and well they really aren't...we have used our wedding money to pay bills on occasion).
Posted by volleygurl0306[/QUOTE]

<div>If she knows the situation, then I think it's okay. If it were me, I would still be upset though. If you can only afford for just you to go, I think you still need to make every effort to go, even though you don't want to go without your FI.</div>

QueerFemme · June 2012

I am sure she will understand, but it doesn't mean she won't feel incredibly hurt. I would look into Amtrak or even greyhound buses instead of flying. And, don't worry about putting people out. This is important. If someone needs to drive you 50 minutes to/from the airport, it's not that big of a deal.

As far as the gift goes, don't worry about that right now. Get her a sweet, heartfelt card and try to make arrangments to go to the wedding. Send a gift after your wedding when you are in a better financial situation.

AshnRobo · June 2012

I would be really upset. You have up to a year after the wedding to send a gift. So, you don't have to get gifts for everyone right now. You can just attend and in a few months send your gifts.

Since you don't have to travel for her wedding, I really think you should attend. Maybe carpool with a group of people to cut down on gas costs.

volleygurl0306 · June 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-club-boards_september-2012-weddings_how-terrible-would-this-be?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding Club BoardsForum:a464c18c-2e4d-469b-8eae-3865079cb9cfDiscussion:98e1056d-0c08-4406-810a-88f8d5230d81Post:d91ae15b-d644-4342-b1e0-1998d4bafb6a">Re: How terrible would this be?</a>:
[QUOTE]I would be really upset. You have up to a year after the wedding to send a gift. So, you don't have to get gifts for everyone right now. You can just attend and in a few months send your gifts. <strong>Since you don't have to travel for her wedding,</strong> I really think you should attend. Maybe carpool with a group of people to cut down on gas costs.
Posted by AshnRobo[/QUOTE]

She lives in Indiana. I live in Florida. Both of us are having weddings in Virginia. So we both have to travel for our own wedding and each others wedding. Plane is the only option for getting to VA as a car takes 16 hours, bus and train take over 24 hours and I don't have enough days off at work to miss more than the Friday before her wedding.

AshnRobo · June 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-club-boards_september-2012-weddings_how-terrible-would-this-be?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20Club%20BoardsForum:a464c18c-2e4d-469b-8eae-3865079cb9cfDiscussion:98e1056d-0c08-4406-810a-88f8d5230d81Post:d3643592-3fb1-4e06-abc6-e1a43e49693a">Re: How terrible would this be?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: How terrible would this be? : She lives in Indiana. I live in Florida. Both of us are having weddings in Virginia. So we both have to travel for our own wedding and each others wedding. Plane is the only option for getting to VA as a car takes 16 hours, bus and train take over 24 hours and I don't have enough days off at work to miss more than the Friday before her wedding.
Posted by volleygurl0306[/QUOTE]

I totally misread your OP!

In that case, I would talk to her. That is a totally different situation. Since she is a bride right now, I think she would be more understanding about the financial contraints you're under. Send a great gift though.

kitkat887 · July 2012

I would be disappointed, but if you talked to me about it I wouldn't be mad. And if it does wind up working out that you can go, great, but I can't see myself ever getting mad at someone for not being able to come to my wedding, even for a less pressing reason than yours.

How terrible would this be?

Re: How terrible would this be?

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