Don't like the engagement ring

davenchanel · April 2011

EDITED::: I've been freaking out so much I made my mother tell me where the rings are from and she said that they are his grandmother's. so i'm okay now. I'm no longer worried what it looks like because I know how special they are to him and that really means a lot to me! I'm sure I'll love them either way. but thank you for everyone's feedback I appreciate the help!

know that getting engaged and getting married is not about the ring, I don't believe in divorce so I'm fully aware of this. But what if he picks out a ring you just don't like, i'm sure i'll like it no matter what because of the meaning of it and size doesn't matter to me, but what if it just isn't your taste?

okay maybe I should give more information on the situation - he is picking out the ring on his own and isn't taking any of my likes into consideration and if i've got my suspicions right he's gotten the ring from his mother who's wedding ended in a divorce which completely makes me sick to stomach because I feel like it'll be bad luck.

what do you do in a situation like this?

SassyFlats · April 2011

I wasn't sure I liked my ring when I first saw it. I was expecting a moissanite, not a diamond. The setting is very high, and I wasn't keen on that either. But I was thrilled to be engaged to the man I loved.

It's been almost 2 years since he proposed, a year since our wedding. I like my ring just fine now. Not only do you get used to it, but you love what it means. You love the thought and effort he put into it. It's a gift from the person who wants to marry you.

I would say if you're terribly upset over not liking a gift, you probably have bigger problems. It would have had to be a pretty dang hideous ring for me to ever say or do anything to insinuate to my husband that I wanted something else. I'm talking... it would have to be a giant pink stone as big as a quarter with a rainbow halo of smaller stones around it set in a white metal setting an inch high.

But just something that I might not choose for myself? Not a big deal.

If you're incredibly worried about it, why not ask your guy how he feels about you having some input on the ring? Tons of couples shop together these days. DH and I shopped together, I gave him a couple of must-have criteria (like, yellow gold for instance), and he chose the ring on his own. It was a good compromise for us. Lots of other couples do it with more or less involvement from the would-be bride.

SeaTea02 · April 2011

You could go with him. FI wanted to make sure I liked my ring as much as he did so I showed him what I liked and we both picked it out. Tell him what your taste is. He isn't a mind reader. The engagement ring doesn't really need to be a surprise IMO.

alanna91 · April 2011

I would like anything he bought me. Just the fact that my BF, who knows nothing about jewelry, would be thoughtful enough to search and search for something he think I would like is a beautiful thought to me.

Also, I'm not very picky!

DanieKA · April 2011

You're probably gonna get a whole range of answers for this question, from "How dare you care so much about something that is purely a symbol of commitment!!! A ring does not a relationship make!" to "I totally hear you. I'm the one who's gonna wear it forever so I should like it!" To answer your actual question, for me personally, I'd like to think I'd be happy with whatever BF chooses to give me. He doesn't really have to give me anything at all, and he's asking me to spend the rest of my life with him, so he could give me something out of a cracker jack box and I'd still say yes and be excited ( I actually did tell BF he could get me something out of a CJ box and I'd say yes. I meant that). But it's easier for me to say that because he's already asked to see styles I like. So even if I don't know the exact ring, it'll be something similar to some of the styles I've shown him. So it's easy for me to say, "I'd take anything and love it!" knowing I'm probably getting something I like. I really don't think someone is a bad person or underserving of a proposal if they don't like the ring. Everyone has different tastes and styles. Sometimes guys can get it horribly wrong when working blind. But there's a difference between temporary disappointment, then realizing that the sentiment is way more important and moving on, and throwing a fit for a bigger diamond or more expensive style and stomping your foot and constantly whining about it. It's all about perspective, you know. In the end I'd always, ALWAYS choose a long, happy, and healthy relationship over a perfect, beautiful ring. A ring doesn't tell you it loves you or make you laugh or do any of the stuff a partner does. P.S. Sorry for spelling/format issues. On my phone.

Ember01 · April 2011

I made it very clear to my FI my three "no-no's" for my engagement ring. They were no gold, no heart shaped diamond, and no offset diamonds (no offense if this is what you have/love, it's just not my style). Every opportunity I got, I reminded him of this criteria. It actually became a running joke between us. I found that telling him what I didn't like was helpful. In the end, he took me shopping with him.

katanne9 · April 2011

Wear it for a few days, if you still really dislike it, I would tell your FI.

My husband really wanted the ring to be a surprise, so we didn't look at them together. BUT, we did agree that if for some reason I really didn't like it, we would pick otu a new one together.

calindi · April 2011

We picked it out together, but I only saw it once so I had forgotten several details in the weeks between when we found it and when he gave it to me. I totally forgot the setting was square! And I forgot some of the details. So I was just as excited to see it again. If you aren't bothered with the idea of shopping together for it, then ask him how he feels about it. It was the right decision for us.

bourgehm · April 2011

Hi Cate! Missing you around here!

I like my ring. It's pretty. But we picked it out together. Problem solved!

peekaboo2011 · April 2011

We went shopping and I knew which one he liked and he knew which one I fell in love with, but couldn't afford. So, he melded the two. It's (almost) perfect. There are a few things I'd change if he'd let me, but I'll never really tell him that.

Honestly, I think you'll love it no matter what. Unless he knew you wanted a diamond and he went with a piece of coal. But, unless you have an heirloom stone, most guys will spend so long researching what you want (either covertly or not so...) and how to make it so amazing it's not even funny just so you can't have a reason to not like it. (I'm not saying you won't love an heirloom stone, as I totally wish we had something like that in our family, just that it takes less stone knowledge to acquire, if you get what I'm saying)

Elle1036 · April 2011

Like others, we picked mine out together. I actually had a lot more to do with the selection than he did. If you guys really don't want to do it that way, then chances are, like Sassy said, it'll grow on you.

Also, divorce is real.

calindi · April 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_dont-like-engagement-ring?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:51a265c9-bc8e-4f06-8cd3-0183631cd395Post:b37a0fd5-9b4f-40cd-b6b5-0e311da253aa">Re: Don't like the engagement ring</a>:
[QUOTE]Hi Cate! Missing you around here! I like my ring. It's pretty. But we picked it out together. Problem solved!
Posted by bourgehm[/QUOTE]

Aww, thanks!!! It's Sunday, so there's no Big Brother to prevent me from logging on. And I wanted to AW a bit!

AudgiePodge · April 2011

Say no, stomp your feet and demand one you like. And a proposal re-do also.

marleylikeair · April 2011

You can wait for a good time, then broach the subject of looking together so he knows what you like. I'm sure your BF is going to want to know what you'll like anyway! See what he thinks. If he's more the traditional type and doesn't want things to be so hands-on, you can either a) follow Sassy's example, and you may grow to love it or b) do what I'll probably do, and get your sister or best friend to help. Tell or show her what you like, then get her to hint to your BF that he should solicit her help in picking out your ring when the time comes.

blahblah85 · April 2011

Personally, if my FI had given me a ring pop sucker I wouldn't have cared. When my FI asked me to marry him I didn't really look at the ring for the first fifteen minutes. When my hands finally stopped shaking, and I realized that it wasn't just an awesome dream I finally examined my ring...

And it was freaking perfect. Give your boyfriend the benefit of the doubt. If you want to marry him, then you should both know each other really well. He will know what to get you because he knows who you are.

jemmini6 · April 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_dont-like-engagement-ring?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:51a265c9-bc8e-4f06-8cd3-0183631cd395Post:1839e328-a29d-493f-bbfc-b3e9739cfa7c">Re: Don't like the engagement ring</a>:
[QUOTE]P<strong>ersonally, if my FI had given me a ring pop sucker I wouldn't have cared. </strong> When my FI asked me to marry him I didn't really look at the ring for the first fifteen minutes. When my hands finally stopped shaking, and I realized that it wasn't just an awesome dream I finally examined my ring... And it was freaking perfect. Give your boyfriend the benefit of the doubt. If you want to marry him, then you should both know each other really well. He will know what to get you because he knows who you are.
Posted by blahblah85[/QUOTE]

Ha ha...I did give my FI a ring pop. We had a running joke for the longest time that whoever bought a ring first would get to marry the other first, so I bought him a ring pop as a joke because "he didn't specify what type of ring it had to be".

In all seriousness though, I was pretty easy because I'm a simple person and I always had just wanted a princess cut solitaire in white gold. We still did end up going shopping together to pick the size stone I wanted. However, I would have loved whatever size stone he'd gotten me, the rest is kind of hard to mess up. LOL

mandi921vh · April 2011

I'm picky about jewelry and FI knows nothing about e-rings. We went together and looked at rings, I chose three I liked and he went back and purchased one of the three he liked best and surprised me with it.

Do what feels right for your relationship.

deburnin · April 2011

BF found out after he had bought a ring that I really, strongly dislike heart stones or hearts anywhere on an e-ring. He was silly and took me to look at rings after having purchased one. For some reason he thought that was a good idea. lol I fell in love with a ring and let him know that I hate heart stones. He also had me try on a band similar to the one that he had bought and I told him I really didn't like it. >_< I felt like an ass when he finally told me about it.

Fast forward a bit and Kay Jeweler's actually lost the ring so he went an put a down payment on the ring that I liked when we went shopping. Then Kay found the ring and something like five months of ring drama ensued... In the end, he was the one that insisted that I didn't "settle" for the one he originally bought.

Lessons learned: If you're worried about not liking the ring, go with him. Or be sure to make your likes and dislikes known ahead of time. And guys, don't take a girl shopping after you already bought a ring. :P

loves2shop4shoes · April 2011

FI wanted me to really love the ring, since I'd be wearing it for the rest of my life. Honestly, if he had proposed with a ring that I didn't like, I'd still be thrilled. But the fact that he made such an effort to have the ring be my taste was huge for me. We shopped together for a few months to find just the right ring...and I couldn't be happier with it.

niknik15 · April 2011

Ok, so I have to admit to everyone that I ended up with a different ring than the one my FI picked out for me. We had gone ring shopping several times together and he really acted like he knew exactly what I wanted.

Turned out to be nothing like what I wanted. It was huge and guady and definitely not my style. I wore it for a couple of weeks and tried my hardest to fall in love with it. Then one of the small side stones fell out. I took it to the store to get it fixed and by the time I came out of the store I was to the point of tears.

I know I'm not helping the subject any, but that was our situation.

Narwhal · April 2011

My ring is nothing like I would have picked out for myself. I actually think that I remember telling him specifically that I didn't want a three-stone ring, because that's what everyone else in my family has. I told him I didn't want hearts anywhere in the goldwork, because I think they look like a promise ring.

But that's what I received. I actually was thinking about it the other day. I wouldn't chose this for myself, but that's okay, because it isn't just about me. My ring is an heirloom ring with a new middle stone, and FI had that part specially made for me. So a lot of people had a hand in the creation of it.

Quite frankly, I'm just happy it's yellow gold.

davenchanel · April 2011

thanks and that what i would like to do but i'm pretty sure he's already got it picked out and i'm even more scared that its his mother's old ring - which i don't mind tradition but it's coming from a divroce which i see as bad luck. ugh!

hetshup · April 2011

My e-ring is from my parents marriage, they are divorced. It's not bad luck at all; I think of it as turning something bad into something good. I also really wanted rose gold, but my ring is white gold. I have it flanked with rose gold bands. My point is, you might live your ring one you add a wedding band, so relax!

desertsun · July 2011

Hey Eawalter. Welcome to NEY!

I think trust and honesty are the foundation of a relationship.

So you should be able to be honest with your BF, and he should trust that you're not doing it to hurt him in anyway. And you need to trust that he will get it. Make sense?

If you have that kind of strong foundation, then I don't see an issue with confessing to your BF that you found the ring and while it's beautiful, you're not sure you love it and you wanted to let him know all of this sooner rather than later. Then just have a calm, adult discussion about your options. Many jewelers will have some kind of return or trade in policy. If he really wants you to keep that ring, I think you should seriously consider doing so, and maybe talk about doing something different in a couple of years.

Good luck and please keep us updated!

Just an FYI about message board etiquette: it's preferable for you to create a new thread of your own instead of dragging up an old thread. If a thread isn't on the first page or two, it's old. It's not a big deal, but just so you know.

Don't like the engagement ring

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