Kicking out a bridesmaid?

jmacquafredda · March 2010

What to do ladies? What to do?

I have 2 bridesmaid out of my 6 that I am having a huge issue with. Emails were exchanged between them and my MOH (aka future sister-in-law) that were a bit out of hand and another issue came out in the midst of all this back and forth. I have reached out to my MOH and the 2 bridesmaids. I have not recevied a response to my email explaining my hurt feelings in 2 days and now I just want to cut ties. They are friends and we have had many good times together but my MOH is like my sister and I didn't even get an apology for the things that have happened.

Do ask them to not take part in the wedding and offer to pay for the dresses they have already purchased? My wedding is in 2 months and my shower is coming up and I don't thinkI can look at them right now let alone speak to them.

HELP!

MyNameIsNot · March 2010

If you really want to cut ties with them, call them and end the friendship. The bridesmaid thing will just be a part of that. Sort of like if you are planning a trip with a boyfriend but break up. The trip is obviously cancelled.

[Deleted User] · March 2010

You are annoying. These repeated posts are annoying. Seriously, what is so damn difficult about reading the dozens of other posts before posting your own drivel?

This is not worth answering.

emilyinchile · March 2010

You can't kick out a BM pretty much ever without a) ending the friendship and b) looking like a huge bridezilla.

These two girls exchanged e-mails with someone else and you would consider kicking them out of your life? Seriously? Presumably your MOH is a big girl, so she can stand up for herself. You shouldn't be involved.

CTGirl30 · March 2010

So...the 2 BMs are having it out with your MOH....you intervene on MOHs behalf and send the BMs an email telling them how hurt you are. 2 days pass and no response from them and you're seriously considering ending the friendship over something that doesn't even sound like it involved you directly in the first place???

Of course, I can only interpret from the info you've provided - I don't know what the issues are b/c you didn't share that so if it has nothing to do with you directly or your wedding, then let the 3 of them work it out like adult women. If you truly feel you need to have a heart to heart with your friends, then by all means CALL them or go see them in person. If the situation is this serious, don't email / text / FB message them....actually speak to them.

And ditto Banana - as a fellow East Coaster there's been a LOT of rain here as you should know. People may be more worried about other things than checking their email right now.

jmacquafredda · March 2010

Thanks for the honest input ladies...
I am stressed, they have lied to me about a few things concerning the wedding and bach party plans and attacking someone that has gone out of their way for me with this wedding was a cake topper to say the least.

Snarky brides are hillarious BTW. Thought people would be a little understanding here and felt it was a good place to put it out there. I scanned the boards and hadn't come across this issue per say.

I think I may have been wrong with seeking out public advice.

Post is coming down.

mbcdefg · March 2010

So, basically, you didn't get the answers you wanted to hear, right? So what do YOU think you should do?

Also, there's no point in deleting the post, because someone already quoted it. Don't waste everyone's time by deleting it and running away because you didn't get the answers you were hoping to hear. (And the reason you probably didn't find a post with this issue is because other people also delete it and leave when they didn't get the justification they were hoping for. Annoying, isn't it?)

stina93446 · March 2010

OP< even if you take the post down, you are quoted. It will not go away.

banana468 · March 2010

I think you need to be more specific with WHAT you're saying they're doing.

If they're lying, call them and say, "Hey, I just want to clear something up. I heard from MOH that there could be this issue with the WEDDING (not a pre-wedding event since you have no planning in that) and just want to see what's going on."

But an accusatory statement to them is going to make you look like you're a disciplinarian. If these people are such good friends that you asked them to be in your wedding, surely it's a friendship that you want to salvage.

By talking to them.

And not by email during the worst flood in 50 years.

emilykathleen511 · March 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_kicking-out-bridesmaid-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:db7cd018-9046-4f60-8fad-f5b90b25160fPost:88911a08-e00e-450b-b0ec-338bfa1da754">Re: Kicking out a bridesmaid?</a>:
[QUOTE]Thanks for the honest input ladies... I am stressed, they have lied to me about a few things concerning the wedding and bach party plans and attacking someone that has gone out of their way for me with this wedding was a cake topper to say the least. Snarky brides are hillarious BTW. Thought people would be a little understanding here and felt it was a good place to put it out there. I scanned the boards and hadn't come across this issue per say. I think I may have been wrong with seeking out public advice. Post is coming down.
Posted by jmacquafredda[/QUOTE]

<div>Who was snarky?</div><div>
</div><div>The only one who was even remotely snarky isn't even a regular poster on this board. Everyone gave you very helpful advice that I sincerely hope you take. </div><div>
</div><div>ALL your bridesmaids have to do is show up on the wedding day in the dress, walk down the aisle, stand quietly for the ceremony, and smile for pictures. That. is. it.</div><div>
</div><div>If you lower your expectations and only expect that from them, you will be much happier (and if they DO do anything else, it is just icing on the cake).</div><div>
</div><div>You should not even be involved with the bachelorette party plans. AT. ALL. </div>

gottahavashorti · March 2010

[QUOTE]Thanks for the honest input ladies... I am stressed, they have lied to me about a few things concerning the wedding and bach party plans and attacking someone that has gone out of their way for me with this wedding was a cake topper to say the least. Snarky brides are hillarious BTW. Thought people would be a little understanding here and felt it was a good place to put it out there. I scanned the boards and hadn't come across this issue per say. I think I may have been wrong with seeking out public advice. Post is coming down.
Posted by jmacquafredda[/QUOTE]
Since this all involves the wedding, it would definitely look like a bridezilla move to end the friendships. If they had been trying to break up your relationship or something else truly awful and unrelated to the wedding that would cause the friendship to end, you could end the friendship and it would follow that they are no longer in the wedding. That's not the case here so you cannot kick them out and it would be really strange to end the friendship over something WR prior to the wedding.

There have been many posts on whether it's okay to kick out a BM over the last couple days and the answer is pretty much always "no."

MyNameIsNot · March 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_kicking-out-bridesmaid-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:db7cd018-9046-4f60-8fad-f5b90b25160fPost:88911a08-e00e-450b-b0ec-338bfa1da754">Re: Kicking out a bridesmaid?</a>:
[QUOTE]Thanks for the honest input ladies... I am stressed, they have lied to me about a few things concerning the wedding and bach party plans and attacking someone that has gone out of their way for me with this wedding was a cake topper to say the least. Snarky brides are hillarious BTW. Thought people would be a little understanding here and felt it was a good place to put it out there. I scanned the boards and hadn't come across this issue per say. I think I may have been wrong with seeking out public advice. Post is coming down.
Posted by jmacquafredda[/QUOTE]

<div>You are ridiculous. Go ahead and end the friendships. If your friends haven't figured out what a nut you are by now, they deserve to know. </div>

stina93446 · March 2010

No one was rude to you, OP. If you want snark, go to, oh I don't know, the snarky brides board? yeah, go there. Or even better, why not post this little ditty on the Etiquette board. Those girls are really good with these kinds of issues.

jagore08 · March 2010

I want her to come back and play. I have a study group to go to and I want an excuse to be a little late.

Mrs.B6302007 · March 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_kicking-out-bridesmaid-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:db7cd018-9046-4f60-8fad-f5b90b25160fPost:88911a08-e00e-450b-b0ec-338bfa1da754">Re: Kicking out a bridesmaid?</a>:
[QUOTE]Thanks for the honest input ladies... I am stressed, they have lied to me about a few things concerning the wedding and bach party plans and attacking someone that has gone out of their way for me with this wedding was a cake topper to say the least. Snarky brides are hillarious BTW. Thought people would be a little understanding here and felt it was a good place to put it out there. I scanned the boards and hadn't come across this issue per say. I think I may have been wrong with seeking out public advice. Post is coming down.
Posted by jmacquafredda[/QUOTE]

Oops. The page finally reloaded and I see that several have already saved for posterity.

jmacquafredda · March 2010

For those who have posted things like cooling down and stepping back. Thanks! I'm being ridiculous, I am hurt by things that have been building up for sometime. Hyper-sensative right now to say the least.

Thanks ladies, the phone is being picked up again and seeing how this pans out. Hopfully they pick up on my 3rd attempt to call.

emilykathleen511 · March 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_kicking-out-bridesmaid-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:db7cd018-9046-4f60-8fad-f5b90b25160fPost:d9c2ee46-4bae-40ce-95c3-36d69973857f">Re: Kicking out a bridesmaid?</a>:
[QUOTE]For those who have posted things like cooling down and stepping back. Thanks! I'm being ridiculous, I am hurt by things that have been building up for sometime. Hyper-sensative right now to say the least. Thanks ladies, the phone is being picked up again and seeing how this pans out. Hopfully they pick up on my 3rd attempt to call.
Posted by jmacquafredda[/QUOTE]

<div>I'm glad you were able to see some perspective on the situation. If they don't answer, just give them some time. At least a few days. If anything, leave a message saying that some things got blown out of proportion and you would really like to make things right with them again. That way they know you aren't calling to rag on them some more. Good luck.</div>

Mrs.B6302007 · March 2010

Yeah, maybe they need more than 2 days to gather their own thoughts and composure about the incident. If they don't respond this time, I'd step back and wait awhile so you don't come across as smothering.

CTGirl30 · March 2010

Try the phone call and then let it rest for awhile....they probably need to sort out their feelings as well.

And yes, you're going to get honest feedback on these boards. And that is usually what is most helpful - even when it can be tough to hear at first.

lalap69 · March 2010

I think it's great that you've apparently calmed down, but you need to back off. Calling them repeatedly is not going to make this better. Leave them a nice message letting them know that you've realized that your email was out of line and you'd like the chance to chat with them about this when they have the time.

If I received an email like what it sounds like you sent them, and then you kept calling me, I'd be screening your calls.

lopezk · March 2010

i love reading these posts. i was asked to be a bridesmaid by a 'good' friend and she kicked me out of the wedding party with a year to go until the big day.. she was only engaged for 4 months at this point. she kicked me out because i was upset over something and apparently gave her an attitude when she talked to me. she told me she didn't need my f**king bullsh*t and that "i'm out". but then the next day proceeded to say that i was still in the wedding only to kick me out again 6 hours later. we are still not speaking and its been about 6 months. and i've known her for the past 15 years....not to mention that she asked me to be her maid of honor then demoted me to bridesmaid because she never heard of anyone having 2 maid of honors... i just dont get it. oh well.

duckie1905 · March 2010

I want to know what they lied about. I mean, I don't really care but I'm curious why you can't even look at your best friends right now.

CTGirl30 · March 2010

I know, Duckie, I want to know too...this has me curious:

they have lied to me about a few things concerning the wedding and bach party plans

The bride shouldn't have anything to do with her bach party plans, other to okay the date and give some feedback if asked on ideas. So what could it be that she knew was being lied about in relation to the bach party....unless it's a giant misunderstanding & the BMs were actually trying to create a cover story so the bride would be suprised but it looked to the bride like lying??? I can only guess since I don't know.... scandalous!

jmacquafredda · March 2010

Here it is...we had intended on going away for my bach. party as we had for some of the other girls in the past. Valid reasons were given about 3 months ago for not being able to attend the party. To my surprise I later find out that they have another "girls trip" planned 2 weeks before the WD and that's why going away wasn't possible. I find this out via Facebook. So I have been hurt for about 2 weeks and then snide emails are sent to the MOH when she sent an email about an alternative plan which they can't make either. Comments were made about how she hasn't planned this out well and hasn't given the whole thing much thought.

I am hurt about the trip more than the emails between the MOH and BMs.

blackfire5th · March 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_kicking-out-bridesmaid-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:db7cd018-9046-4f60-8fad-f5b90b25160fPost:c656e192-d67a-43f1-9934-0e6e3368968a">Re: Kicking out a bridesmaid?</a>:
[QUOTE]Here it is...we had intended on going away for my bach. party as we had for some of the other girls in the past. Valid reasons were given about 3 months ago for not being able to attend the party. To my surprise I later find out that they have another "girls trip" planned 2 weeks before the WD and that's why going away wasn't possible. I find this out via Facebook. So I have been hurt for about 2 weeks and then snide emails are sent to the MOH when she sent an email about an alternative plan which they can't make either. Comments were made about how she hasn't planned this out well and hasn't given the whole thing much thought. I am hurt about the trip more than the emails between the MOH and BMs.
Posted by jmacquafredda[/QUOTE]

<div>If I'm reading this right you are unhappy because you are not getting the bach party vacation you want? </div><div>
</div><div>A bach party and a girls trip are two very different things. People feel obligated to pay for things for you, to do things they might not do that would require more money. Maybe they didn't have the money for the proposed bach party, but had the money for this small trip. Maybe this trip has been planned for a very long time. As in they were saving for this trip for a very long time and the date just got set.</div><div>
</div><div>I can keep going on about all the ifs, ands, and buts in this situation, but it's pointless. You have no say on how others spend their money and time, they have zero obligation to throw you a bach party, big or small. You don't know all the details and have made the situation worse by sticking your nose in it, and you have no basis to remove these women from the wedding party.</div>

banana468 · March 2010

It sounds like the snide emails are to your MOH though and not to you.

And while that isn't cool, it's also not cool for ANYONE to bring you into it.

I presume your MOH and BMs are adults - they need to figure this stuff out on their own.

And yes, it's kind of craptacular if they bail on one party that was previously planned because they planned their own thing - but that's not a reason to boot them.

duckie1905 · March 2010

Snide emails to your MOH regarding your bach party have nothing to do with you. So, I'm not sure why you would be hurt by that. Let them take care of their bickering and don't involve yourself in it.

I'm sorry that your BMs can't or won't go on vacation for your bach party. I would probably be hurt too but IMO you are carrying this too far. Be hurt for a day or two and then move on from it. They can't go, you don't really know the circumstances surrounding why they can't, and you really don't have any right to tell them they must go. They have other plans and that is pretty much that.

I don't see anything in your posts that would warrant kicking BMs out and ending the friendships. Really, everyone just needs to grow up and get over it.

jmacquafredda · March 2010

They have finally responded and we are hashing this out. All and all people are hurt and things have been said and I tried to ease the situation by stepping in and clearing the air. You're right, I should have never known any of this...AT ALL!

Signing out...thanks for the advice.

banana468 · March 2010

You are welcome!

And come back anytime!

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