Just Engaged and Proposals

Started planning....need advice!!!

Wow it is amazing what the beginning of wedding planning brings to the table. My FI and I have been working on many different options and have a lot on our plate to decide. I will give you the background story...My mom was diagnosed with thyroid cancer on August 15. This is a very aggressive type of cancer that caused a large tumor to grow in less than one month. The tumor became large enough that my mom's airway was being compromised and it was very difficult for her to breathe. This led to my mom needing to get a tracheostomy done. My amaing fiance went and bought the ring that day after asking my parents for permission to marry me. I ended up getting a job and engaged (on August 15) all within one week. Needless to say, it has been a rollercoaster of emotions because we aren't sure how my mom's cancer will progress until after about 6 weeks. 

So here we are....my parents do not know how much they will be able to contribute at this point because of my mom, but I feel bad having my in-laws cover a majority of the cost as well. I don't want to have to cut corners and settle for anything less than our dream wedding, but I know it will be difficult due to the financial situation. I am feeling overwhelmed just by the whole budget I don't even know where to start with venues and deciding on things for the wedding.

Re: Started planning....need advice!!!

  • ViczaesarViczaesar Central Coast, CA member
    Ninth Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_just-engaged-proposals_started-planningneed-advice?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:683Discussion:7266aa95-f160-4f97-babf-2bc2225bc42ePost:71d4a62f-7705-4ec6-bc01-3879dcb3148c">Started planning....need advice!!!</a>:
    [QUOTE]Wow it is amazing what the beginning of wedding planning brings to the table. My FI and I have been working on many different options and have a lot on our plate to decide. I will give you the background story...My mom was diagnosed with thyroid cancer on August 15. This is a very aggressive type of cancer that caused a large tumor to grow in less than one month. The tumor became large enough that my mom's airway was being compromised and it was very difficult for her to breathe. This led to my mom needing to get a tracheostomy done. My amaing fiance went and bought the ring that day after asking my parents for permission to marry me. I ended up getting a job and engaged (on August 15) all within one week. Needless to say, it has been a rollercoaster of emotions because we aren't sure how my mom's cancer will progress until after about 6 weeks.  So here we are....my parents do not know how much they will be able to contribute at this point because of my mom, but I feel bad having my in-laws cover a majority of the cost as well. I don't want to have to cut corners and settle for anything less than our dream wedding, but I know it will be difficult due to the financial situation. I am feeling overwhelmed just by the whole budget I don't even know where to start with venues and deciding on things for the wedding.
    Posted by jnriggs[/QUOTE]


    Frankly I think you need to start by assuming that you will be paying for your wedding yourself. No one but you and your FI are obligated to pay for your wedding. Since your mother has cancer I would guess that they won't be able to offer much help, if any, and in that case the burden falls squarely upon the two of you to pay for and plan your wedding, not on your FI's parents. Figure out how much you and your FI can save up. Do not ask anyone for money. If someone freely offers you money that's great, but keep in mind that money usually comes with strings, and that you shouldn't rely on said money until it's actually in your hand (or bank account).



  • thejucheideathejucheidea East Nashville, Tennessee member
    Tenth Anniversary 2500 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_just-engaged-proposals_started-planningneed-advice?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:683Discussion:7266aa95-f160-4f97-babf-2bc2225bc42ePost:71d4a62f-7705-4ec6-bc01-3879dcb3148c">Started planning....need advice!!!</a>:
    [QUOTE] So here we are....my parents do not know how much they will be able to contribute at this point because of my mom, but I feel bad having my in-laws cover a majority of the cost as well. <strong>I don't want to have to cut corners and settle for anything less than our dream wedding, but I know it will be difficult due to the financial situation.</strong> I am feeling overwhelmed just by the whole budget I don't even know where to start with venues and deciding on things for the wedding.
    Posted by jnriggs[/QUOTE]

    Your mom has thyroid cancer (and as a cancer research nurse, I know how dire this is) and you're more concerned about the funds for your dream wedding because you don't want to cut corners or sacrifice anything? What about the sacrifices your parents are having to make for your mom's cancer treatment? You need to suck it up, save your own money and have the party (and yes, it's just a party, just a day) you can afford yourself. You shouldn't even CONSIDER asking your parents or future in-laws for money. You're being very selfish by thinking of your 'dream wedding' over your mother's health and emotional well-being.

  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_just-engaged-proposals_started-planningneed-advice?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:683Discussion:7266aa95-f160-4f97-babf-2bc2225bc42ePost:f59f295e-a310-4d23-a35d-80e9e479cc1f">Re: Started planning....need advice!!!</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Started planning....need advice!!! : Your mom has thyroid cancer (and as a cancer research nurse, I know how dire this is) and you're more concerned about the funds for your dream wedding because you don't want to cut corners or sacrifice anything? What about the sacrifices your parents are having to make for your mom's cancer treatment? You need to suck it up, save your own money and have the party (and yes, it's just a party, just a day) you can afford yourself. You shouldn't even CONSIDER asking your parents or future in-laws for money. You're being very selfish by thinking of your 'dream wedding' over your mother's health and emotional well-being.
    Posted by ahstillwell[/QUOTE]

    You keep taking the words out of my mouth today.

    OP - I don't know what your emotions are right now but I can tell you that I would want my mom at my wedding more than having a big to do.  It is entirely possible to throw together a small wedding in a matter of weeks for very little money.
    Proud to be an old married hag!! image
  • My dad had lymphoma during the planning of my sisters wedding an her and her H had to pay for a majority of the wedding due to the lack of help from my parents.  Cancer is not a cheap thing.  My dad had to quit working and with constant dr visits the medical bills rack up fast.  Your main concern needs to be do you want your mom there for your big day or would you rather wait to have the $$ for your dream wedding.  My dad missed my sisters wedding by exactly one month.  They thought about having a minister marry them @ the hospital in front of them and then still have their big wedding but my dad didnt want her to do that for him.  I know this is something you have dreamt about your whole life but that is something so small compared to what your mom is going through.  Best of luck and I pray that your mother heals from this.
  • A dream wedding or a dream life together?  I'd say being together forever with your fiance should be much more important than the day you join as man and wife and the type of ceremony you have.  You can have a lovely day on a budget.

  • Thank you for your advice, I had to post as part of an assignment for my technology masters. I wanted to only give you part of the story to see what was said in return. I really do appreciate all of your advice. We are currently looking at venues and have included my mom in everything so far. My future in laws have been generous enough to offer to pay for part of the wedding. Since I got a job, my FI and I have also began saving for the wedding. The only reason we are trying to plan the big day as we would have wanted it is because my mom and dad want us to try to plan the day for when we would have had it regardless of my mom's situation. As a result, we are preparing ourselves to have the wedding sooner if things take a turn for the worse, but would like to give my mom the opportunity to gain strength and maybe even recover from this rare form of cancer. So as of right now, we haven't set anything in stone and are hoping that we will soon find out how things are going with my mom first. Thank you again for your advice and help!
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