Should I feel bad?

Salsera29 · January 2013

So, my sister is my MOH and my best friend is a BM. I asked my sister to be MOH only because I was hers, and if I didn't it would have caused family drama. Now, what I knew was going to happen, is happening. My sister is mia and doesn't care about anything (I called to ask her opinion on something wedding related ONCE. After 10 min she said she had to go cause DH was home). Meanwhile, my best friend is always bringing up the wedding, keeps telling me how excited she is, will sit on the phone with me for hours talking about wedding related minutae (sp?). I knew this was going to happen and I feel like kind of a jerk asking my sister to be MOH. Best friend says she is totally fine with it and completely understand why I had to, but I constantly feel guily that she is really there for me so much and doesn't have the "title."

Maggie0829 · January 2013

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_should-i-feel-bad?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:06ad8aee-fcf8-4746-b86a-c624c7166955Post:b90b94a7-edf8-48ed-aa3f-9a25ca1a179e">Should I feel bad?</a>:
[QUOTE]So, my sister is my MOH and my best friend is a BM. I asked my sister to be MOH only because I was hers, and if I didn't it would have caused family drama. Now, what I knew was going to happen, is happening. My sister is mia and doesn't care about anything (I called to ask her opinion on something wedding related ONCE. After 10 min she said she had to go cause DH was home). Meanwhile, my best friend is always bringing up the wedding, keeps telling me how excited she is, will sit on the phone with me for hours talking about wedding related minutae (sp?). I knew this was going to happen and I feel like kind of a jerk asking my sister to be MOH. Best friend says she is totally fine with it and completely understand why I had to, but I constantly feel guily that she is really there for me so much and doesn't have the "title."
Posted by Salsera29[/QUOTE]

Your BM and MOH do not have to help with anything wedding related. Their only responsibilities is to buy the dress, show up looking presentable and relatively sober, and smile for pictures. Anything else that they do is completely optional and voluntary.

Titles =/= how much help they give you or how much interest they show. The titles that you give are to represent your nearest and dearest.

Take everything that you have read and heard about what your MOH and BM is suppose to do for you and throw it out the window. Remember your friends and family have their own lives and they shouldn't have to stop everything just becasue you are getting married. This is said a lot on here but it is very true, no one will care about your wedding as much as you will.

Be happy with what you get and stop being upset because you expected more.

KatWAG · January 2013

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_should-i-feel-bad?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:06ad8aee-fcf8-4746-b86a-c624c7166955Post:b90b94a7-edf8-48ed-aa3f-9a25ca1a179e">Should I feel bad?</a>:
[QUOTE]So, my sister is my MOH and my best friend is a BM. I asked my sister to be MOH only because I was hers, and if I didn't it would have caused family drama. Now, what I knew was going to happen, is happening. My sister is mia and doesn't care about anything (I called to ask her opinion on something wedding related ONCE. After 10 min she said she had to go cause DH was home). Meanwhile, my best friend is always bringing up the wedding, keeps telling me how excited she is, will sit on the phone with me for hours talking about wedding related minutae (sp?). I knew this was going to happen and I feel like kind of a jerk asking my sister to be MOH. Best friend says she is totally fine with it and completely understand why I had to, but I constantly feel guily that she is really there for me so much and doesn't have the "title."
Posted by Salsera29[/QUOTE]

No one is going to care about your wedding as mush as you do. It is great that your BM is there to help you but that doesn't mean that your MOH is slacking on her duties. So no you shouldn't feel bad because your MOH has done nothing wrong.

You picked your sister to be your MOH and your friend to be you BM. There is no going back now without causing some serious friction.

The ONLY things your MOH/ BMs are required to do are buy the dress, show up on time to the wedding (preferably showered and semi sober) and take pictures. Everything else is an added bonus.

Salsera29 · January 2013

Ugh I feel like I didn't say any of that right. First, I absolutely would not try to change anything now. And I know I'm not to expect anything. Maybe I should have stressed the feeling that my best friend is going above and beyond, and she's not the one with the "special" title. That's all. (Also, I have issues with my sister that have nothing to do with the wedding, so I probably should have left out the axample about her altogether).

Edit: Reading OP again and it came off all wrong. I am SO lucky to have bf, I appreciate everything she is doing immensely.

KatWAG · January 2013

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_should-i-feel-bad?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:06ad8aee-fcf8-4746-b86a-c624c7166955Post:4858d18f-5a9a-462c-8ed6-9763f2e5e6fd">Re: Should I feel bad?</a>:
[QUOTE]Ugh I feel like I didn't say any of that right. First, I absolutely would not try to change anything now. And I know I'm not to expect anything. Maybe I should have stressed the feeling that my best friend is going above and beyond, and <strong>she's not the one with the "special" title</strong>. That's all. (Also, I have issues with my sister that have nothing to do with the wedding, so I probably should have left out the axample about her altogether).
Posted by Salsera29[/QUOTE]

BUt she does have a special title, she is a bridesmaid. That in itself is an honor. Heck, just being a guest is an honor.

Maggie0829 · January 2013

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_should-i-feel-bad?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:06ad8aee-fcf8-4746-b86a-c624c7166955Post:4858d18f-5a9a-462c-8ed6-9763f2e5e6fd">Re: Should I feel bad?</a>:
[QUOTE]Ugh I feel like I didn't say any of that right. First, I absolutely would not try to change anything now. And I know I'm not to expect anything. Maybe I should have stressed the feeling that my best friend is going above and beyond, <strong>and she's not the one with the "special" title.</strong> That's all. (Also, I have issues with my sister that have nothing to do with the wedding, so I probably should have left out the axample about her altogether).
Posted by Salsera29[/QUOTE]

I said in my previous post that "titles" =/= what someone has or has not done for you. Just because your friend is helping you out a lot does not mean that she automatically deserves the MOH title. Like PP said, she has a "special" title already. She is a BM in your wedding.

You need to drop this. You need to just enjoy the wedding planning process. Enjoy the time with your friend. Make sure to continuously thank her for all of her help. Write her a special thank you card and give it to her at the RD. You need to stop stressing over this.

Salsera29 · January 2013

Maggie - thank you, that's really good advice. Maybe I'll send her a quick thank you note for how much she's been there for me so far too.

Tami87 · January 2013

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_should-i-feel-bad?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:06ad8aee-fcf8-4746-b86a-c624c7166955Post:10578811-c22b-4334-913f-9188d321b56a">Re: Should I feel bad?</a>:
[QUOTE]Maggie - thank you, that's really good advice. Maybe I'll send her a quick thank you note for how much she's been there for me so far too.
Posted by Salsera29[/QUOTE]

I think this is a great idea. None of the wedding party should be expected to help plan or be your workers, so if you feel like your BM is going above and beyond do something special for her. Get her a nice gift. If she wants to come do wedding stuff with you treat her to lunch. Or if she wants to come over to do DIY stufff provide wine and snacks. It is awesome that your BM is so excited for you and wants to talk wedding. Enjoy it and just remember to take time to ask about what is going on in her life too. Don't worry about the titles.

Peledreamsofrain · January 2013

I understand why you feel guilty, but I think your focus is wrong. The title is just a word. Even if she was officially MOH, she still would be going way above and beyond the norm for you.

SO, with that in mind, maybe you could recognize all the extra stuff she's doing for you by giving her a thank you gift. Take her for a spa trip, treat her to a pedicure, etc. She sounds like a lovely friend, and worth recognizing for her generous nature.

BubblyBride75 · January 2013

I had a very similar experience. I couldn't choose whether I wanted my sister or best friend as MOH and after both insisting that it was ok if I made the other one MOH I chose my sister. I quickly realized that it was so silly of me to feel like I had to choose between the 2 of them so I decided to just have 2 MOH's. Since both know each other and know how important they both are to me neither were upset or hurt that I changed my best friend to MOH. My sister will still stand next to me but both will be listed as MOH's. You know your friend and sister best. You absolutely cannot "downgrade" your sister, which I think you are well aware of, but in my situation there were no hurt feelings about "upgrading" best friend to MOH. That being said I don't think my best friend cared at all that she was "just" a BM and is now a "MOH" it was more that I wanted her listed in the programs as MOH and wanted her to know how much she means to me.

Salsera29 · January 2013

More good advice! I will stop being concerned with titles and focus on making sure she knows how much I appreciate her and how lucky I am to have her. We tell each other all the time (we're sappy like that) but I will try to think of something special. Thank you so much for the perspectives :-)

dtbluv · February 2013

OP- A slightly different perspective- I'm a BM in a really good friend's wedding. The MOH is the bride's oldest (in terms of how long they've been friends, I have no idea age-wise) friend, but really isn't into wedding planning. I, on the other hand, love wedding-ish stuff! I talk to the bride on the phone for hours about the wedding, have gone to scope out venues with her and the groom (at their invitation, I didn't go BSC and invite myself), and have been pretty involved in the planning process.

I don't for one minute wish I was the MOH or have any resentment about doing all this stuff even though I'm "only" a BM. I know that I'm more into weddings than the MOH, and I love crafting and DIY projects so it's really fun for me to spend a night doing that with a bottle of wine and the couple while it might not be everyone's cup of tea.

Your BM is doing all this stuff because she likes it, not for a title. I think PPs suggestions of a thank you note and stuff like that were great, and the advice to stop stressing over it is spot on.

Should I feel bad?

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