Just Engaged and Proposals

Just Engaged and Stressed Already... Help!

I just got engaged last weekend and I can't even take the time to be happy.  WE have set the date for NEXT July and my future mother-in-law is already running the show.  She is telling me who I can and can't invite, I can't have a ring bearer or flower girl, I have to have the food she wants, she is picking the wedding party gift (I don't have a choice of what she picks either), I want red colours, and says blue or nothing else, and to top it all off she just sent me a list of 65 people she wants at the wedding... people my finacee and I have never even heard of.  I am stressed to the max and it's only been a week and I'm afraid if I tell her how I feel she will not let me marry her son (she is very religious)... what should I do?
"You gotta love livin' baby, 'cause dyin' is a pain in the ass!" - Frank Sinatra

Re: Just Engaged and Stressed Already... Help!

  • First off, who's paying for the wedding?  If you FMIL is, I suggest you and your FI sit down and figure out a way to budget it out on your own that way you can completely make your own decision.  If you already are paying, don't worry about it.  Tell her you appreciate her input and leave it at that.
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_just-engaged-proposals_just-engaged-stressed-already?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:683Discussion:f3ae49c9-6ada-4a70-b650-5a96e6c7e36bPost:53dc18a3-d32d-41f6-86f9-e3a73b2e2b31">Just Engaged and Stressed Already... Help!</a>:
    [QUOTE] I feel she will not let me marry her son (she is very religious)... what should I do?
    Posted by easton87[/QUOTE]
    First, I agree with future-mrs. You and your FI need to figure out how to pay for your wedding on your own if FMIL is currently intending to foot the bill.

    That said, the statement I quoted concerned me. In what way is FMIL "letting" you marry her son? Presuming her son (and you) are grown people who take care of yourselves, marrying you is purely your FI's decision...it should not be dependent upon his mother allowing him to get married. If you haven't already, I think you need to have a discussion with your FI about his mother's seeming overbearingness in your relationship, and he, in turn, perhaps needs to talk to her.
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  • I have the same question as the other girls... who is paying?? If you and FI, or your family is footing the bill then she has no right to tell you who or what is going to be in the wedding. It is your day and regardless of the fact that she will be your MIL you and your FI should be happy with the event, not her.

    If she is paying or contributing maybe you should tell her thanks but no thanks. If she's going to go all bridezilla on a wedding that isn't even hers then you don't need her money. Figure out a way to pay for it yourselves.

    And if speaking your mind and letting her know your desires angers her enough to not allow you to marry her son then, well... I hope your FI squashes that real quick. He is grown up enough to make his own decisions and hopefully his mommy being mad at you won't change the fact that he's going to spend the rest of his life with you.

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  • redheadfsuredheadfsu member
    edited July 2010
    1. Who is paying? Like pps stated, if she pays she gets some say. But still she needs to calm down - see below.

    2. Your FI needs to step up and help you. He should deal with his mother, not you. He needs to talk to her asap. Also, (hopefully he is grown) he gets to decide all on his own if he wants to marry you. If he dosn't help calm your FMIL down, then you have a bigger problem then just wedding planning.

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  • To clear everything up, she is paying for the bar only.  Everything else is being paid for by us, including every single dinner and dessert plate for everyone.
    "You gotta love livin' baby, 'cause dyin' is a pain in the ass!" - Frank Sinatra
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_just-engaged-proposals_just-engaged-stressed-already?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:683Discussion:f3ae49c9-6ada-4a70-b650-5a96e6c7e36bPost:25ae5e66-5879-41f8-8d37-5ab3e981eb6f">Re: Just Engaged and Stressed Already... Help!</a>:
    [QUOTE]To clear everything up, she is paying for the bar only.  Everything else is being paid for by us, including every single dinner and dessert plate for everyone.
    Posted by easton87[/QUOTE]
     then tell her you appreciate the input and you will take her suggestions into consideration.  if she wants to be involved in the planning, try to give her specific tasks, for example...choosing a "signiture drink" to be served at the cocktail hour or making the wine selections. etc.  keep it to what she is actually paying for.  other than that, your FI needs to put his foot down and let his mother know that it is YOUR guys; wedding and ultimately, all the final decisions lie with the two of you.
  • It's a tough situation but one you should address sooner rather than later.
    If she is contributing at all, then she does get some input into what will happen but even if they were paying for it all, it's still your wedding and your wishes and desires have to be taken into account as well.

    You and your fiance need to talk about it yourselves first and decide a) what elements of the wedding are absolutely no-go zones for her input. If that is the colour scheme or the number of people invited, or whatever. 
    Then decide what areas you'd be willing or welcome her input - maybe it's the centrepieces or something.

    Then sit down with her and explain that you appreciate that she is excited and has many wants for how things will go but that she is stressing you out.Ask her to tell you what her absolute most important elements are and say you will take everything into consideration but that you can't do it all.
     If you want a flower girl and have one in mind tell her that, explain to her why it's important that this be part of your wedding.

    But it's also key to make sure she gets some of what she wants. She may be paying the bar bill but that shouldn't relegate her to only getting to decide what drinks are on the menu. Maybe if she has a couple of things to focus on she'll back off the other things.

    In the first two weeks after we got engaged my own mother went a little crazy and started making all these demands and suggestions and every time I said something about something we were thinking about doing she came up with 100 reasons why that wouldn't work and why her way would be better.
    We are going to see them this weekend for the first time since the engagement and have the talk that we want her input but not at the expense of my sanity.
    It's a little easier for me because it's my mother, not his. But still these conversations are awkward but necessary.
    If the first two weeks were an indication of how stressful the entire planning process is going to be I just want to elope.
    BabyFruit Ticker Me: 37 DH: 40 Married: 7/31/2011 TTC since September 2011 BFP: Nov. 22, 2012 EDD: July 29, 2013
  • You certainly should include your FMIL in the planning, but only to an extent.  She does not get to dictate your entire wedding, and you need to put your foot down (along with your fiance putting his foot down) sooner rather than later.

    Kindly let her know that you're thrilled she's excited about the wedding, but you and your fiance have to discuss what's important for you both and then you'll incorporate her ideas as best you can.  Do not give her any impression that she is a decision maker here, just entitled to an opinion.  Then sit down with your fiance and talk about everything - colors, food, guest list, venue, music, service, everything.  Find out what is important to each of you and where you're willing to compromise.

    Do not allow her to dictate her guest list now when you don't even have a venue (or do you?).  Once you have a venue and a budget, then you can figure out a total amount you can host.  As everyone will likely suggest, don't invite more than your maximum amount you can afford.  Figure out how to divide that up fairly - how many goes to your family, his family, and your friends.  Your family and his family should get approximately the same number of invites, no matter who is paying.  Then have your fiance write down the family members he really wants to invite.  Once you have filled out all the people you both really want there, then let your FMIL know who from her family your fiance would like to invite and how many additional invitations that her family is entitled to invite.  Make it clear that you have a budget, and anyone over that amount of people would cost $X per person (if your venue allows you to fit more, otherwise she's not allowed more until people decline).  If she sends you a list of 60 names, ask her which 15 are the ones she wants to come for free, and remind her that anyone above those would be $X per person.  Also, it's perfectly fine to let her know that you both have such a limited guest list that you aren't able to invite anyone who has never met either the bride or groom.
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